SWM 134 – AQ – Piercings, how not to start a fight, nude photos, nude beaches and more

A reader wrote in with a blunt question: when a husband says he is the one who wants sex less, can you legitimately suspect he is covering for a porn habit? Check out the blog post here for the charts, the sources and the full argument. I have been answering a version of this for years, and I have generally said that a quarter to a third of marriages have the wife as the higher-drive spouse. This time I went and checked it against our own survey archive rather than repeating it. The number holds up, and what I can now tell you is exactly which marriages it describes. Across all marriages it is about one in five. Among couples who are genuinely mismatched it is closer to one in four. An independent analysis of a representative Australian study lands at 26% to 31% of couples with a large gap, which is the one-third figure. So depending on the question you are asking, it is somewhere between a fifth and a third. The stranger finding is how invisible these men are. Two in five wives say they are the higher-drive spouse. One husband in twenty-five says the same about his marriage. Same marriages, described from opposite sides. In the one survey built to study this directly, eleven hundred husbands rated both drives, forty said their wife was higher, and fourteen of those wrote anything at all in the comment boxes. That is the entire archive of these men speaking for themselves. And when you stop asking for an adjective and start asking about frequency, the label falls apart. The median lower-drive husband wants sex about once a week, and among the men answering for themselves it is twice a week. That is more than the median lower-drive wife wants. He is not low drive. He is out-driven. On the porn question, the base rate settles it: porn history is close to universal among husbands in our data, so finding it in a lower-drive husband tells you nearly nothing about why his desire is low. A test that comes back positive for almost everyone is not a test. Then the second half, which is the part I care most about: if he does have the lower drive, should he still be leading in the bedroom? Yes to initiating, no to leading it. The one with the desire should carry that part of the marriage, whether that is the husband or the wife, and the other should actually follow. I talk through what that means if you hold a complementarian view, why handing the department over is not the same as handing over responsibility, and the thing underneath all of it that no amount of logistics will solve. In this episode: (0:27) The question (1:34) How common is it, actually (3:03) One in five, one in four, one in three (4:48) Why lower drive men seem like a myth (6:56) Lower desire is a comparison, not a diagnosis (9:09) Is he hiding a porn habit? (10:55) What actually causes it instead (12:50) Should he be initiating anyway? (16:46) Who should lead, and headship (19:55) The part that doesn't resolve (20:22) What the romance novel is really selling (23:36) Christ didn't want to either (26:22) So, to answer the question Links mentioned in this episode: Why lower-drive spouses should initiate sex Sex drive differences aren't the problem What does biblical leadership look like in a marriage? Why does my wife refuse intimacy beyond the basics? Desire vs. willingness Being more skilled at rejection Take part in the Marriage Study Join our supporter forum Send me your question Book a discovery call

A couple describes their latest fight. Maybe it's how the dishwasher gets loaded, or what time the kids should be in bed, or whether you deal with a problem the moment it comes up or sleep on it first. The details change, but two things are always true: both of them are frustrated, and both of them are certain they are right. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. This episode came out of the last one. I said in passing during the leadership episode that most marital conflict isn't about right and wrong, someone in our forum asked whether I had ever written about that, and I hadn't. So here it is. Most of what you fight about has no morally correct answer. Scripture doesn't specify a bedtime, and there is no commandment about loading cutlery handle up or handle down. Those are preferences, formed by your upbringing, your personality, your family culture, and a thousand experiences your spouse wasn't there for. The trouble starts when a preference gets promoted to a moral issue. Once the fight becomes right versus wrong in your head, compromise stops feeling like flexibility and starts feeling like losing, your spouse's disagreement stops being a difference and becomes a character flaw, and you are no longer negotiating, you are prosecuting. Along the way in this episode: reality tunnels, and why marriage makes them worse rather than better; how Paul handles two live church disputes in Romans 14 by refusing to rule on either one; three questions that tell a preference from a principle; where the guardrails sit, because abuse is never a preference-level issue and agreement is not a moral sanitizer; and four things to do when it turns out to be a preference after all. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:13) The fight you keep having (1:13) None of these have a right answer (2:08) When a preference gets promoted to a moral issue (2:30) Reality tunnels (3:54) Romans 14: the church fight Paul refused to settle (5:45) Three questions: principle, damage, or preference (6:48) Abuse is never a preference, and hurt is not harm (7:39) What to do when it's a preference (9:27) Unity is not uniformity (9:55) Try this Links mentioned in this episode: SWM 162 - What does biblical leadership in marriage actually look like? SWM 037 - where I first talked about reality tunnels SWM 148 - 14 red flags your marriage is drifting The Mirror Game - a simple 4-step communication skill SWM 130 - Building resiliency in marriage How to use conflict to create intimacy Join our supporter forum Send me your question Book a discovery call

I saw a video of a wife listing the things that would immediately end her marriage, and the top item on her list was her husband finding God and joining a patriarchal religion. Not a discussion. An instant divorce. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. And I wish I could say I was surprised, but headship has earned its bad reputation, usually from Christians who read a verse or two and build a whole theology out of it. So in this episode I walk through what I think biblical leadership actually looks like, based not on one or two verses but on the model of leadership that runs through the entire Bible, including how God leads us. Five principles: freedom flows down while responsibility flows up, following is an invitation rather than compulsion, good leaders choose long-term flourishing over short-term comfort, trust gets earned so it doesn't require understanding, and if you have to reach for your authority, you have already failed to lead. Along the way: why the meal-planning question is really about mental load, the treadmill rule my wife asked me to enforce, when a wife should not submit, and why the clearest picture of headship in the Bible is a man on the floor washing feet. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:19) The instant-divorce list (1:57) Five principles from the whole Bible (2:35) 1. Freedom flows down, responsibility flows up (4:01) The meal-planning example (5:06) 2. Following is an invitation, not compulsion (7:39) When you shouldn't submit (10:38) "My wife won't submit" (11:22) 3. Long-term flourishing over short-term comfort (12:07) The treadmill rule (14:46) 4. Trust that doesn't require understanding (18:16) This is not a license for abuse (20:06) 5. Using authority means you failed to lead (22:48) Back to the woman from the video (24:06) Go to the upper room Links mentioned in this episode: What do wives want? A primer for husbands Send me your question Book a discovery call

A husband writes in: seventeen years married, two kids, sex about twice a week, and a marriage he describes as "pretty darn good." But his wife will not try anything beyond the basics, and after years of asking he still does not know why she says no. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. Here is the thing: she did tell him why. Four times. He wrote all four answers down in his own letter and heard them as one refusal. They are not one refusal. "I don't want that," "it doesn't feel good," "it's gross," and "maybe some other time" are four different problems wearing the same coat, and each one needs something different from him. In this episode I work through what each of those answers is likely to mean, including why "gross" is almost always a moral word rather than a sanitary one, what our data says about premarital sexual activity and later sexual satisfaction, and why the detail that gives the whole thing away is not the oral sex at all. It is the flirty text she also will not send. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:12) The question (2:10) Who ends up leading the sexual relationship (3:34) When the higher-drive spouse leads (5:29) She told you why. Four times. (5:58) "It's gross" is a moral word, not a sanitary one (7:43) Premarital acts and the 16% satisfaction gap (10:00) "It doesn't feel good" is a status report (11:14) "I'll never be good enough for you" (13:33) About that eye roll (14:57) The sacred cows (16:17) A note for wives and low-drive spouses (18:44) Where that leaves you Links mentioned in this episode: Ask your own anonymous question Book a discovery call

Scroll social media for five minutes and you will find her: the exhausted wife explaining why she has nothing left for her husband at the end of the day. The world calls it "the mental load," and it is real. But splitting the chores 50/50 does not actually lift it, and this episode is about why. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. The mental load is not a chore problem, it is a leadership problem. When a wife says she feels like she has "another child to manage, not a partner," she is not asking her husband to do more tasks. She is asking to be led. In this episode I make the case that biblical headship, rightly understood, is the solution the world keeps fumbling toward in the dark. We start in the bedroom (because that is where the first complaints usually show up), walk through why "choreplay" falls short, work through what Genesis actually says about leadership and the fall, and land on three concrete levels for solving the mental load: carry less, build a system, and own whole domains completely. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (0:18) What the mental load really is (2:11) Why it wrecks the bedroom (6:47) Why splitting chores 50/50 fails (9:02) The real fix: leadership, not more chores (10:41) Is headship part of the curse? (14:30) What secular culture stumbled onto (16:24) Leadership is sacrificial, never forced (17:25) Step 1: Carry less (22:42) Step 2: Get it into a system (24:14) Step 3: Own it (including the bedroom) (28:22) Conclusion: the gospel in your marriage Scripture referenced: Ephesians 5:25, Genesis 3:16, Genesis 4:7, 1 Timothy 2:13, Genesis 2:16-17, Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 11:8-9, Genesis 2:23, Genesis 3:9, Romans 5:12-19, 1 Timothy 3:4-5, 1 Timothy 5:8, Matthew 11:28-30

At our last Couple's Night I mentioned something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria almost in passing, and afterward one of the guys reached out. He had never heard the term before, and it struck a chord, because he recognized himself in it right away. "I struggle with rejection," he told me, "even when I haven't actually been rejected." Check out the blog post here for more details and links. RSD is not ordinary disappointment when someone turns you down. The word "dysphoria" comes from a Greek root meaning "hard to bear," which is exactly right: it is a wave of emotional pain intense enough to feel almost physical, it arrives in an instant, and it lands well out of proportion to whatever actually happened. The strangest part is that the rejection does not have to be real. A curt text, a certain look, a spouse who seems distracted at dinner, or a "no" you are bracing for before you have even asked the question. It is most strongly tied to ADHD, where emotion tends to arrive at full volume, and where a nervous system that has spent years collecting "you're too much" and "you're not enough" learns to flinch before the blow lands. Marriage is the most rejection-loaded relationship most of us will ever have, and the bedroom is where I see this do the most quiet damage. A healthy nervous system files "not tonight" as bad timing. An RSD nervous system files it as "I am unwanted, I am undesirable, I was a fool to even try." Over time the higher-desire spouse stops initiating altogether, and the lower-desire spouse has no idea why, because they never said no to you, they said no to one moment. It runs the other direction too: repeated initiation can land as "you are never satisfied with me." In this episode I walk through the five things that actually move the needle, why letting your spouse in on it is the one that matters most, and why so many people with RSD end up on an SSRI that does very little for it. In this episode: (0:00) Intro (1:13) What Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is (1:59) When the rejection isn't even real (2:40) The ADHD connection (3:16) How RSD shows up in a marriage (4:11) RSD in the bedroom (5:19) What actually helps, five steps (7:04) Medication, and why SSRIs miss it (8:28) You're not woven wrong (11:09) Book a free ADHD discovery call Links mentioned in this episode: Married with ADHD coaching, and a free discovery call Send me your question Book a discovery call

A deep dive into one of the most consistent findings from our survey of over 1,000 married Christians: couples who can talk openly about sex report dramatically higher satisfaction than those who can't. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we cover:Why so many couples stay silent about what they actually want in bedThe communication gap: satisfaction scores by comfort level across manual sex, oral sex, and mutual masturbationWho is actually talking — and how many couples are stuck wanting to but don't know howWhat openly discussing preferences actually does to sexual satisfactionWhy the gender picture is more surprising than you'd expectWhy the silence persists — and how it calcifies over time A note on couples who don't discuss it and are doing fine anywayHow to start the conversation if you've been sitting on something unsaidFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss topics like this with other married Christians, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating and leave us a review. They help others know this is a good resource for their marriage. You managed to find us; help someone else do the same.

Solo Masturbation - When You Remove the Other Person From Sex. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. Today we’re continuing with our Sex as Worship series, and in this post, we’re going to be talking about masturbation, which is a highly contested argument in Christianity. Is it okay, is it sinful, it is helpful or harmful? And before I say anything else, I want to share that I didn’t always believe the viewpoint I’m going to share. Also, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s still an embarrassing topic, and I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for it. People will unsubscribe. Sometimes I get messages saying they hope to see me in hell. But, I don’t think I can skip it. This is a topic I see damaging so many marriages, so how do I leave it alone? Also, this is my second rewrite. I tried to make the first one more clinical, and after recording it - frankly, I hated it. I was bored from recording it. So, I rewrote it. Let me know what you think. So here we go, take number two. I grew up in a church culture where masturbation was not discussed. It wasn’t encouraged, but also wasn’t warned against. There were jokes here and there, hints and side comments, but more or less the message was that it was private and not to be discussed.

Why Sex Gets Derailed Right Before It Starts. Check out the show notes here for more details and links. From time to time I get questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. I received one a bit ago that I thought would be good to answer in its own post because this is a feeling that’s common to a lot of marriages. I’ve heard this same complaint, with very minor variations, from many husbands and some wives. And like this person, if you don’t know what’s going on, it can lead to some bad assumptions. Maybe this has happened in your marriage. Here’s the question: Am I going crazy or is my wife subtly sabotaging things? I've often pointed out to my wife that there's a clear distinction in how she approaches our plans based on whether it's something she really wants or it wasn't really her idea. I've seen her move mountains and leap over obstacles in some areas of our life together. But in others she's a never ending fount of potential issues, problems and risks. They seem reliably separable into categories of what she really wants and what I possibly want more. One area, I see this and is making me feel like I'm going crazy, is our sex life. If we're going on a holiday and she wants to have a lot of sex, she will plan ahead, bring outfits, lube and be very vocal about it. It's great, fantastic even. If it's a regular day we've scheduled sex, she won't exactly say no, but the likelihood of some kind of ailment popping up just on time is about 75%. Tiredness, tummy/digestive problems, a slight cough or cold; just enough to be a dampener. I particularly enjoy going down on her, but upon approach she will just mention something wrong. (some version of "I haven't washed up" or "I had an upset stomach earlier"). I like to make out, but after the first peck she'll says something like "Not too much though, I was getting some sniffles yesterday". Moreso in the past, she would physically behave like someone who would rather not be touched, as an almost knee jerk reaction to my affection. It's just too much of a coincidence that when we're getting intimate she will bring up some of the most off putting topics in a way that perfectly sabotages the mood for me. Sometimes it'll just be something completely unrelated and left field.

SWM — Sex as Worship: Pornography, Erotica and AI Companions. Check out the blog post here for more details and links. Pornography and erotica have become ubiquitous and socially normalized, and AI “companions” are increasingly marketed as hyper-sexual substitutes. These offer the appeal of intimacy without risk—no rejection, responsibility or vulnerability—yet they train desire away from real people and covenant relationships. God designed intimacy for embodied, vulnerable union within marriage (Genesis 2:24–25; “to know” as in Genesis 4:1). In the “Sex as Worship” framework, aligning with God’s design is worship; deviations declare that we know better. Scripture shows God’s insistence on real relationships, not images or illusions (Exodus 20:4–6). Marriage pictures Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:31–32), and the incarnation underscores embodied presence (John 1:14). Substitutes like porn, erotica and AI reject that design (Romans 1:25). Practically, these fantasies retrain desire through novelty-driven dopamine, dulling normal arousal and escalating content. They reduce relationship satisfaction, weaken empathy, and increase objectification by orienting desire around control, not mutual love. They soothe loneliness without healing it, and intensify conflict avoidance—eroding skills vital to intimacy. Common rationalizations fall short: “It’s better than cheating,” “It’s just a character,” “It helps me cope,” “My spouse doesn’t meet my needs,” “Everyone does it,” “You’re sex-negative,” or “I can separate fantasy from reality.” In reality, formation happens; what captures your brain shapes your life. Relief isn’t healing, and avoidance entrenches wounds. If you’ve been using these, stop and seek accountability. Share with your spouse if possible, involve a pastor/elder or coach, and retrain desire toward your spouse. Neuroplasticity means change is possible; meditate on what is true, noble, pure and lovely (Philippians 4:8). Healing aims at presence, covenant, and embodied love. You were made for more than illusion. Fantasy promises intimacy without pain; only reality delivers intimacy with meaning. God’s design is harder and riskier—but far more satisfying. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter If you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum. Thank you to all our faithful supporters! If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info. Even $5/month makes a difference. Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us—help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.