EPISODE 202: Am I being defensive, or am I defending myself?

We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself? This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you. From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down. But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals. What You’ll Hear In This Episode: ✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast) ✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down ✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings ✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing) ✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness ✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling) Links & Resources: Check out DEEPER — our new membership with full access to VanessaAI, monthly date night ideas, live calls with us, and more Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides to level-up your pleasure skills Follow us on Instagram for more relationship tips and convos Want us to cover your story next? Keep an eye on our IG Stories for callouts Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

🎙️ Welcome to our very first coaching episode! Ever feel stuck in your sex life — like you know things could be better but have no idea how to fix them? That’s exactly where today’s couple is. In this special, brand-new format, we’re coaching a real life couple, and diving deep into mismatched desire, stress, and the invisible walls keeping them from a more connected, fulfilling sex life. We break down: 💬 When one partner feels standoffish about sex – What’s really behind the hesitation? ⚖️ Balancing work, kids & intimacy – Why stress kills desire (and what to do about it). 🔄 Breaking out of a relationship rut – Feeling stuck? Here’s how to start making real changes. 🔥 What happens when the woman has the higher sex drive – And how to navigate it without resentment. ✨ How to actually change your sex life – Small, doable steps that make a big difference. If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner keep missing each other when it comes to intimacy — this episode is for you. And stick around until the end because we have a special announcement you won’t want to miss! Links & Resources 💖 Join Deeper – our new relationship membership! Want more expert-backed support for your love life? Get access to our entire library of courses and guides, exclusive monthly live events with us, and Vanessa AI — your personal, on-demand relationship coach. 👉 vmtherapy.com/deeper 🔑 Take The Intimacy Quiz: Your Key To Love That Lasts Not sure where to start? Take our quiz to find out exactly what your relationship needs most right now. 👉 vmtherapy.com/5keys Stay Connected 📩 Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates:https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe. 📲 Follow us on Instagram – @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy. 🎧 Subscribe & review – New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review—it helps us keep creating content you love. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. 👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remiand save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW) 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

🎉 We made it to 200 episodes! 🎉 It’s wild to think about how far this podcast has come. There’s one thing we know for sure… we couldn’t have come this far without YOU. That’s why for this very special episode, we decided to celebrate by letting you ask us… …absolutely ANYTHING. And you didn’t disappoint. From personal confessions to relationship deep dives to behind-the-scenes business secrets, no topic was off-limits. Tune in for an unfiltered, hilarious, and heartfelt conversation where we tackle: 💬 Personal Qs – Would Vanessa ever let Xander shave his beard? ❤️ Relationship Qs – Are we still in couples therapy? 💼 Business Qs – Have we ever recorded a podcast while totally annoyed with each other? And SO much more! Stick around to the end because we’re teasing something big we’ve been working on behind the scenes… you’re going to want to be on our email list for this one. 👀 Links & Resources: 🔑 Take The Intimacy Quiz: Your Key To Love That Lasts – Find out exactly what your relationship needs most right now and get personalized guidance to start making real changes today! 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys 🏆 March Matchups: The Ultimate Bedroom Bracket – Cast your votes as we put 8 bedroom positions head-to-head, and help us pick the winning position for a brand-new free step-by-step guide! Follow along on Instagram @vanessaandxander and make sure you’re on our email list to get the final results! Stay Connected: 📩 Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 📲 Follow us on Instagram – @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy. 🎧 Subscribe & Review – New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love. ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We’re back with a fan-favorite series—Am I The Asshole? 🎉 You know we love diving into the wildest relationship dilemmas, and today’s lineup is extra spicy. We’re tackling situations that might hit way too close to home, like: 🚨 Masturbating - do you have to tell your partner every time? 🚨 Journaling about a past relationship—cheating or harmless? 🚨 Going through a partner’s phone (they found what?? 👀) 🚨 A partner picking up an annoying new voice… and refusing to drop it Sounds messy, right? We’re breaking it ALL down, sharing our takes on who’s the asshole, and of course—we want to hear yours too! Get ready to laugh, cringe, and maybe rethink your own opinions on these situations! 🎧 Want More AITA? If you love these episodes, don’t miss our past Am I The Asshole? deep dives: 🎧 EP 187, EP 155, EP 135, EP 125 📲 Stay Connected with Us! 💌 Join our email list for exclusive BTS + first access to everything we create 📸 Follow us on Instagram and tell us—who do YOU think is the asshole in these stories? 🎥 Subscribe on YouTube to watch this episode & more 💖 Links & Resources – Take Your Intimacy to the Next Level 💋 Give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had! → Ultimate Foreplay Guides Transform your sex life with expert-backed techniques designed to maximize pleasure for both of you. 📖 Want to talk about sex in a way that actually works? → Sex Talks: The NYT Best-Selling Book Discover the 5 key conversations that will unlock deeper connection, better communication, and hotter intimacy in your relationship. Which one are you diving into first? Let us know! 💬 ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏 Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code **PILLOW** ➡︎ https://oneskin.co. 👏 Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/POLLOWPOD. 👏 Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time when you go to ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Initiating sex in your relationship should feel exciting, not frustrating—but let’s be real… for most couples, it’s anything but smooth. Whether you're feeling stuck, rejected, or just plain awkward when it comes to getting things started in the bedroom, today’s episode is here to help! We surveyed our audience, and only 17% of people said they’re happy with how initiation is going in their relationship. That means a lot of us are struggling with: 🚨 Feeling like one partner is always initiating while the other never does 🚨 Getting caught off guard and feeling pressured to have sex in the moment 🚨 Waiting until the end of the night, when you're both exhausted 🚨 Using "lazy" or unsexy initiation attempts (boob honks, anyone?) 🚨 Feeling like your partner only flirts when they want something Sound familiar? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’re breaking down the most common mistakes couples make when initiating sex. =============================== 🔑 What You’ll Learn in This Episode: =============================== ✅ The #1 reason why most couples struggle with initiation ✅ Why timing matters just as much as how you initiate ✅ The major mistake that makes sex feel like a pop quiz—and what to do instead ✅ What to say (and what not to say) when initiating sex ✅ How to make your partner feel wanted instead of pressured And of course, we’re sharing our top tool to completely transform the way you initiate—so you and your partner can experience more connection, better intimacy, and yes… way more satisfying sex! ========================== 🔗 Links & Resources: ========================== 👋 Art of Initiation – Get $20 Off Until March 9 → https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation-special?ref=podcast-198&utm_term=podcast-198 📚 Other Resources Mentioned: ✨ Figure out your initiation style—so you and your partner can find what actually works for you → https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide ✨ Foreplay Guides, Ultimate Sex Guide, & More! → https://vmtherapy.com/courses?ref=podcast-198&utm_term=podcast-198 ========================== 📲 Stay Connected with Us! ========================== 💌 Join our email list for exclusive tips & discounts ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 📸 Follow us on Instagram for daily relationship inspo ➡️https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander New episodes drop every Thursday! Make sure you’re subscribed so you never miss an episode. And if this episode made you rethink how you and your partner initiate (or if you saw yourself in some of these mistakes 😅), send it to them and start the conversation! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ever wish you had a sex therapist on speed dial? We get so many questions every week (because you guys are THE BEST) that we just can’t get to them all—so today, we’re dedicating an entire episode to answering your biggest intimacy and relationship dilemmas. From navigating mismatched libidos to handling awkward bedroom moments, we’re here to break it all down with practical, shame-free advice. In This Episode, We Cover: 💬 How to address it when your partner gropes you in their sleep 🧼 Balancing household chores with a partner who wants affection right now 😩 What to do if your partner struggles with death grip 😔 Bouncing back after a disappointing sexual experience 😤 Is “sexual frustration” really a thing? 🔄 How to stop being defensive in your marriage 🚨 NEW FREE Guide! 🚨 Ever struggle with how to start intimacy? We joke a lot about bad initiation styles (hello, awkward boob grabs) but we want to help you find what actually works. That’s why we created a brand-new FREE guide to help you figure out your initiation style—so you and your partner can create a spark your way. ✨ Download it for FREE here: vmtherapy.com/styles 🔗  Links & Resources: ✨ Listen to EPISODE 158: Maybe It’s Not Low Libido… https://vmtherapy.com/episode158 ✨ Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197 ✨ Treat Your Partner to the Best F0repl@y they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197 ✨ Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197 ✨ Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ✨ Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. ✨ Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Goodwipes is naturally scented and hypoallergenic. Free from harsh chemicals, parabens, and dyes. Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

🔥 Let’s talk about sex—but let’s make it fun, flirty, and way less awkward. In this episode, we’re telling you about 90 spicy prompts designed to get you talking, laughing, and maybe even blushing with your partner. We’ll be pulling cards from our brand-spankin-new Sex Talks Card Deck and answering them live, sharing our hottest takes, and reading some intriguing responses from our Instagram community. Some of these questions will have you reminiscing, some will have you dreaming up new adventures, and others might just be the push you need to turn up the heat in your love life! In this episode, we explore: ✔️ Why talking about sex is the key to having more (and better) sex ✔️ The five essential conversations that will take your intimacy to the next level ✔️ Real, unfiltered responses from our listeners on what turns them on ✔️ Our own candid answers to some of most revealing prompts 📩 Love what you hear? Leave us a review and tell us which prompt got you hot and bothered! 🔥 💫 Ready to take your conversations to the next level? Grab your own Sex Talks Card Deck now at sextalksbook.com and start exploring with your partner! --------------------------------- 🔗 Links & Resources: --------------------------------- 💫 Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196 💫 Treat Your Partner to the best foreplay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196 💫 Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196 --------------------------- Connect with us! 👋 --------------------------- Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Watch Us on YouTube ➡︎ https://www.youtube.com/c/VanessaMarin Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Cowgirl is one of the most empowering positions in the bedroom—so why do so many of us avoid it? 🤠 If you’ve ever felt awkward, unsure, or just plain tired when trying Cowgirl, this episode is for you! We’re breaking down everything you need to know to master this position with confidence—from why it’s one of the best for pleasure to how to move in a way that feels amazing (and doesn’t leave your thighs burning after 30 seconds). Get ready for expert-backed tips, tricks, and techniques that’ll help you feel like a total badass on top. What You’ll Learn in This Episode: ✅ Why Cowgirl is the #1 position for female pleasure ✅ How to actually move (hint: forget what you’ve seen in porn) ✅ Confidence-boosting tricks if you feel awkward or self-conscious ✅ How to last longer without getting tired ✅ Fun variations like Captain Morgan Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, and more ✅ How to transition in and out of the position seamlessly If you've ever wanted to feel sexy, confident, and in control while on top, this episode is a must-listen! Links & Resources: Ready to stop settling for ‘good enough’? ➡︎ http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195 Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195 Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195 Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195 Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co. Thanks Cure. Stay hydrated and feel your best! Visit curehydration.com/PILLOW to get 20% off your first order. Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. Thanks Hungryroot. That’s Hungryroot.com/pillow, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have you ever wondered if there’s something you do in the bedroom that your partner secretly (or not-so-secretly) wishes you’d stop doing? Well, you’re not alone. A while back, we asked our audience this very question, and the responses came flooding in. So many, in fact, that we had to bring this topic back for Part 2! In today’s episode, we’re diving into the most common complaints from partners about what they wish their significant other would stop doing in the bedroom. We’re covering everything from awkward communication habits to frustrating foreplay, plus some surprising grievances about kissing, initiation, and even what happens after the fun is over. And don’t worry—this isn’t just about calling out the bad. We’re also giving you practical tips on how to improve your sex life by doing more of what your partner actually loves. What We’re Covering in This Episode: 💬 Communication blunders 💋 Kissing complaints 🔥 Initiation mistakes 💨 Foreplay fumbles 🍑 Intercourse issues ❌ Anal annoyances 💦 Finishing & aftercare faux pas This episode is all about getting real and helping you and your partner have a more satisfying, connected, and frustration-free sex life. 🎧 Listen now and find out if you’re guilty of any of these common mistakes! Links & Resources: Ready to stop settling for ‘good enough’? ➡︎ http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194 Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194 Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194 Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194 Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Thanks Remi. Head to shopremi.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW to save up to 50%. Thanks Naturesage. Head to NatureSageOmega3.com/PILLOW to get 40% off. Thanks Chewy. Head to Chewy.com/PILLOWS and save $20 on your first order with free shipping. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ever wonder what we really want to say when someone leaves a spicy comment on one of our social media posts? Well, you’re in for a treat. Social media has been an incredible way to connect with our community, share free resources, and help couples build their best relationships. But putting ourselves out there also means we encounter some… interesting feedback. In this episode, we’re diving into the comment sections of our most viral posts. From debates about quickie intimacy to whether or not you should “fuck first,” we’re breaking down the conversations, sharing what we wish we could’ve said, and offering our advice to help you create a happier, healthier love life—trolls not included. Links & Resources: Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193 Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193 Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193 Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. Thanks Hungryroot. That’s Hungryroot.com/pillow, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow Thanks Cure. Stay hydrated and feel your best! Visit curehydration.com/PILLOW to get 20% off your first order. Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Goodwipes is naturally scented and hypoallergenic. Free from harsh chemicals, parabens, and dyes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices