Ep. 217: Co-Regulating? Or Masking?

If you’ve clicked on this episode because you’re feeling like you're failing—at parenting, at keeping it together, at helping your child—I'm really glad you’re here.Because first, I want you to know this: you’re not failing. You’re doing something incredibly hard. Parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system, whether your child has been impacted by trauma, or has sensory differences, or just has a brain wired a little differently, is extremely intensive parenting. I created this episode so you can:Easily return to it when you need a ‘mini pep talk’Listen in a short period of time- I know I’m usually a little long-windedBe reminded as often as you need: this isn’t your fault. You’re not failingResources mentioned in this podcast:All Behavior Makes Sense infographicEpisodes to listen to if you are in burnoutRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/peptalkFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up!

If your kid refuses therapy, what other options are there?Or maybe they don’t refuse therapy, but you’d still like to increase the therapeutic support for your child and family.Here are 20 different non-therapy therapeutic supports based on Dr. Perry’s work of ‘moments of healing’ and experiences that are rhythmic, repetitive, relational, and somatosensoryOver on my website, you can download a handout that lists them all out (and was generated with the help of AI) so you don’t have to take notes!Resources mentioned in this podcast:Moments of Healing PodcastHow the Brainstem Heals {EP 49}Equine-Assisted Trauma-Informed Psychotherapy {EP 51}Read the full transcript at: URL goes hereFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

Have you ever wondered what types of questions you should ask a new therapist to assess how well they understand behaviors through the lens of the nervous system?No need to take notes during this episode, I created downloadable handouts you can access with just one click. Listen to the episode then head over to my website!PLEASE NOTE. These are suggestions. Please vet your professionals thoroughly. I’m certain there are many important questions left off of this list. I’m also certain there are many excellent trainings that I did not include in the list of potential trainings. Also, even if a therapist meets all the criteria, that doesn’t mean they are the right therapist for your family. Even someone trained with me isn’t necessarily the therapist or professional that is right for you. In this episode, you’ll learnQuestions you can ask a therapist to get a feel for how well they conceptualize behaviors through the lens of the nervous systemRed flags to pay attention toTrainings on a therapist’s resume that suggest they conceptualize behavior through the lens of ‘all behavior makes sense.’Resources mentioned in this podcast:Questions to Ask a Potential New Therapist. Download by CLICKING HERETrainings a therapist may have that suggest they conceptualize behavior through the lens of the nervous system. Download by CLICKING HEREWhen Your Child Doesn't Participate In Therapy {EP 86} (also has an infographic many therapists use to describe therapy to parents)Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/questionsfortherapistFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithRight now I’m just testing working offline!Making Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

Kids with vulnerable nervous systems need more co-regulation than other kids their age and yes it’s exhausting.Did you know it’s possible to be GOOD exhausted and not just BAD exhausted?!?! It’s you’re chronically exhausted, you’re probably not doing as much co-regulation as you are masking how dysregulated you are.And hey- no judgment here! This is very explicitly a no-judgment episode. I don’t want you to feel bad or even try to do anything different.In this episode, you’ll learnThe difference between co-regulating and maskingHow doing something really hard (like co-regulating a child with a vulnerable nervous system day in and day out) means that YOU need more connection and co-regulation, too!That you don’t need to try to do anything different right now, it’s too much work to do anything different. In this episode, I’ll just ask you to notice- without judgmentResources mentioned in this podcast:Stress Response System {EP 94}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/coregulatingormaskingFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting ProfessionalsMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice:::

Have you ever wondered how those behaviors that feel 'on purpose' fit into this nervous system approach?They feel so intentional! Like there is so much Owl-brain thought involved.But they certainly aren't behaviors of connection!!!This episode will:Demystify 'on purpose' behaviorsRemind you to always consider regulation, connection, and felt safety...then strategize how to respond to those 'on purpose' behaviors accordinglyMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice:::

Monitoring and modifying are the two essential elements of regulation. ~ Dr. Dan SiegelWhen we really understand what makes up the skill of self-regulation, we can be more intentional about helping our kids develop those skills.We can also be more understanding and compassionate when they aren't able to use those skills!This episode explores the skills of monitoring (noticing) and modifying (changing) our level of arousal and activation as the main ingredients of self-regulation.Remember that self-regulation can only develop with enough co-regulation. But once there is a strong foundation of co-regulation, we can encourage our kids to develop the skills to notice and change (when appropriate or needed!) their level of arousal. In this episode, you’ll learnThe main ingredients of self-regulation- monitor & modifyHow to scaffold up to teaching kids to monitor and modifyHow to have appropriate expectations about your child’s ability to monitor and modify, even after they have learned the skillsResources mentioned in this podcast:The Whole-Brain Child - Dr. Dan SiegalNo-Drama Discipline - Dr. Dan SiegalRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/ingredientFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

Medical trauma can feel confusing because in many circumstances, we are seeking out the very medical interventions that our kids experience as traumatic. Trauma is in the eye of the beholder. Some kids experience trauma due to their time in the NICU. Some kids experience trauma at the dentist. Some kids experience trauma due to an emergency or accident. Much of the time, parents feel helpless or even guilty for ‘causing’ the trauma. In this episode, you’ll learnHow medical treatment can have a traumatic impactHow to help kids make sense of confusing medical treatmentA couple of ideas for how to help kids prepare for medical treatmentRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/medicaltraumaFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

Resentment. We’ve all felt it.Very little about this parenting journey has gone according to plan.We’ve done the hard work- the never-ending work actually - of rewiring everything we thought we knew about behavior, what it means to be human, how to parent, and how to have a family.Some days we do it without a second thought.Some days are full of resentment and anger.You aren’t a bad person. But resentment feels bad! In this episode, you’ll learnThe very important job that resentment does for youA message that resentment might be trying to tell youThe importance of staying curious - and not shaming - about the feeling of resentmentResources mentioned in this podcast:When Parenting is Traumatic {EP 95}Grief in Parenting Kids with Vulnerable Nervous Systems {EP 129}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/resentmentFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

One of the harder things to navigate when shifting to a nervous system lens on behavior is the feeling that a lot of the strategies seem like they are rewarding bad behavior.Strategies that invite regulation, connection, and felt safety are usually strategies that feel good.If our kids feel good after bad behavior, will they have MORE bad behavior??In this episode, you’ll learnWhat it might be signaling if you’re wondering if you’re rewarding bad behaviorHow to avoid unintentionally increasing the likelihood of dysregulation in the futureWhy it’s reallllllly important to offer connection, co-regulation and felt safety strategies when you are in connection modeResources mentioned in this podcast:Enabling vs. Low-Demand Parenting {EP 144}Is It Time to Raise the Bar? {EP 207}Amanda Diekman - @lowdemandamandaRead the full transcript at:RobynGobbel.com/rewardbadbehaviorFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice::: :::The All-About-Me workbook will help your child grow their owl brain and develop ways to calm their watchdog and possum brain. 24 page, full-color, instant download at RobynGobbel.com/store

We talk a lot about hard very too hard for your kids (thanks Amanda Diekman for that hard vs. too hard language!).But have you considered applying that concept to yourself? This is intensive parenting! Far beyond when parenting is supposed to get less intensive, you’re still giving super-hero level scaffolding, supervision and co-regulation - and it’s a LOT!In this episode, you’ll learnHow to assess for when it’s just TOO hard- for YOU!The importance of making an owl-brain decision about things being too hard (or not)Ways to increase support at the same time as you lower demands for yourself Resources mentioned in this podcast:Enabling vs. Low-Demand podcastAmanda Diekman - Low Demand Parenting on InstagramRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/toohardFollow Me On:FacebookInstagramOver on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: Being WithMaking Sense of Baffling Behaviors: A FREE audio-only training for professionals who work with the families of kids with big, baffling behaviors!Yes! FREE! You'll listen on your own time, right in your podcast app.RobynGobbel.com/BafflingBehaviors for all the details and to sign up!It starts May 5 and will be available to listen to until May 12. But don't wait to sign up! Join me for Presence in Practice- an experiential retreat style workshop for professionals into the neurobiology of how change happens. July 14-16 in Rockford, MI (just north of Grand Rapids) RobynGobbel.com/PresenceinPractice:::