Why do we think everyone else is more fun than we are?

In this episode we discuss compassion and talk about how it differs from kindness and empathy. We also explain why self-compassion is harder than it sounds! We explore the difference between real self-care and avoidance, what blocks us, and how to build the habit of showing ourselves compassion. Compassion can mean doing something we don't want to do for our own good, such as making amends or looking after our bodies and minds. Staying under the duvet can feel kind, whilst owning a mistake and clearing the air is compassionate. We discuss how compassion takes bravery because it involves giving ourselves grace.Self-compassion can be blocked by a lack of modelling in childhood; women being socialised to focus on others' comfort so that self-care can feel selfish; and holding ourselves to higher standards than others. Add in the achievement-driven culture, the erosion of community and social media comparison of modern society and it’s not surprising it can be really difficult to believe that we are worth being compassionate to.Key topicsKindness vs compassion: Future self: Thinking about how we will feel later helps. That might be in two hours, tomorrow morning, or at age 80. Telling rest from avoidance: Adrienne says the extremes are easy to judge. Staying in bed with a temperature is compassionate. The middle is muddy. She suggests asking what Future You would be glad of, and whether the feeling is laziness or something like anxiety or low mood.Compassion as an honest mirror: Lucy describes it as a mirror we build through practice and awareness. Adrienne adds that it takes self-awareness to look in it and ask whether something is really about me.Acceptance and judgment: we both agree that acceptance of how things are right now is central. Adrienne explains that brains judge and rank things automatically to keep us safe. We can't change the thoughts, but we can choose what to do with them.Empathy plus: Compassion is empathy plus a conscious choice to act, or to do nothing. Adrienne calls this the "compassion gap", a little distance so we aren't overwhelmed. Lucy links this to the impartial, non-judgmental observer from mindfulness.Strategies: Ask what you would do or say if this were a friend, and notice how that care feels. Move from "why is this happening?" to "this is how it is, so what do I need?"Role of therapy and mindfulness: In therapy someone else can hold the compassionate lens when we can't. Mindfulness builds the ability to do it ourselves, and it’s lifelong work.Key takeawaysCompassion is not always comfortable, and sometimes it asks us to do the harder thing.No rule fits every case. Awareness of what is true, and of what future you would want, guides the choice.Compassion is empathy with enough distance to act without being overwhelmed."This is how it is right now, so what do I need?" can be more useful than asking why.Asking what you would do for a friend, and bringing the same gentleness, is a practical starting point.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode we explore why being present feels so difficult, even when we know it helps. We look at how anxiety, depression, chronic pain, and social stress pull attention into the future or the past, and why mindfulness is less about forcing calm and more about training attention. Being present isn’t easy, because our default mode is mind wandering.We hope that this conversation is practical and compassionate, with examples from couples’ work, illness, grief, and everyday life. If you’ve ever felt like your mind is always elsewhere, this episode explains why and what to do about it.Key topicsWe unpack why being present can feel surprisingly hard, even for people who teach or practice mindfulness.Lucy shared a Harvard study finding that people reported not being present roughly 47.9% of the time, often because the mind is busy planning, worrying, or replaying the past.Adrienne described how being present disappears in conversation when she is trying to hold onto what she wants to say instead of listening fully.We discuss how anxiety pulls people into the future, depression pulls us into the past, and chronic illness or pain can keep our attention locked on what feels urgent.Lucy explains that being present does not mean focusing only on discomfort. It means having a wider awareness and the ability to choose where to place our attention.Adrienne gives examples from her work with couples, where people often rehearse their reply instead of hearing the other person, and describes a summarizing exercise that slows conflict down.We talk about anticipatory grief, especially when supporting someone with a terminal diagnosis, and how trying to manufacture “special memories” can get in the way of actually making them.Lucy uses the butterfly analogy to show that presence often comes through less effort, not more, and that chasing it can make it more elusive.We explore how modern life keeps us in ‘doing mode’, with social media, performance pressure, and constant self-evaluation replacing quieter forms of simply being. And we emphasise that presence is a practice, not a personality trait, and that it works best when time for it is intentionally protected.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we unpack the old habit of treating body and mind as two different things, and why that split still shapes how we understand stress, anxiety, illness, and healing. We connect philosophy, neuroscience, and clinical practice to show how thoughts, emotions, and physical symptoms are constantly influencing each other.In this conversation, we explore how the nervous system, breathing, and body awareness can help people notice stress earlier and respond more skilfully. We also discuss why chronic stress can worsen conditions like IBS, psoriasis, fibromyalgia, and depression, and why quick fixes rarely address the full picture.We explore how, when we notice how the body is feeling then we can take steps to soothe our nervous system, to start to turn off the cascade of hormones that are the physical manifestations of our feelings.Key topicsLucy introduces the central question: why do we view our bodies and minds separately, and how did that idea emerge from religion, early medicine, and philosophy?Adrienne explains how the mind-body split is comforting for many people because it supports the idea that something in us continues beyond the body.We discuss how medicine reinforced the divide by treating the brain in two systems: neurology for the physical brain and psychiatry for the mental and emotional experience.Lucy brings in consciousness and neuroscience, noting that we still do not fully understand the brain or the relationship between thought, feeling, and bodily response.Adrienne uses animal examples, including cats, bats, chimpanzees, and bonobos, to show the role of awareness, planning, and language in human consciousness.We argue that human intelligence and brain development are evolutionary continuations, not proof that humans are fundamentally separate from the animal world.Lucy describes how thoughts can trigger stress chemistry, leading to physical symptoms like butterflies in the stomach, heart racing, and nausea.Adrienne shares how noticing body sensations can reveal rumination and catastrophising, and how one client’s lack of enjoyment was actually high-alert nervous system activation rather than depression alone.We explain how chronic stress can suppress digestion and reproduction, contributing to issues like IBS, fibromyalgia, autoimmune flare-ups, and psoriasis.We emphasize that healing often requires both medical treatment and nervous-system support, including therapy, mindfulness, breathing, and rest.Notable quotes“Feelings are physical.”“Present moment rules.”“We can start body first.”Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Why do we find it hard to just ‘let them’?‘Let them’ sounds simple until it lands in the middle of real life - being left out, ghosted, judged, or faced with someone whose behaviour crosses a line. In this episode, we unpack why this viral Mel Robbins idea is so compelling, and why it becomes much harder when feelings, values, and relationships are actually on the line.We examine down the tension between acceptance and self-protection, asking the question the shortcut never answers: what do you do when “just let them” could mean becoming a doormat, swallowing hurt, or letting a relationship drift without repair? We explore why we so often assume other people’s behaviour is about us, how quickly a tiny moment can spiral into FOMO, rejection, or a full-blown story in our heads, and why the first reaction is usually the least useful one.We also dig into the deeper question underneath it all: when is it actually wise to let them, and when does silence, avoidance, or ‘being chill’ just keep you stuck in the same painful pattern?Adrienne brings a grounded therapeutic lens to the idea of boundaries, emotional regulation, and choosing your response instead of reacting on impulse. Lucy pushes on the real-world complications - what if letting it go means tolerating bad behaviour, losing connection, or ignoring something morally important? Together, we test where the line is between healthy detachment and necessary confrontation.This episode is perfect for anyone who has ever felt excluded, overreacted too quickly, or struggled to know when to speak up and when to let go.Take aways:why “let them” is easier in theory than in practicehow to tell the difference between a situation that is truly not about you and one that needs a responsewhat happens when we confuse someone’s behaviour with our own worthwhy calming your nervous system matters more than winning the argumenthow to spot the patterns, stories, and childhood beliefs that get activated when you feel excludedFind us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the very human tendency to read into situations and how our perceptions can distort reality. We have a bias for making assumptions based on our prior experiences with other people, and then do not check them out in the current situation. In fact, we often are not aware that we are applying these assumptions at all. And, of course, there is our inclination to believe everything our brains think – and as we often say in these podcasts, just because we believe something, it doesn’t mean it is true!We go on to discuss strategies for mindful communication, the importance of self-awareness, and how we might foster healthier relationships by questioning assumptions and managing our emotional responses.Key topicsWhy we read into situations more than we shouldThe impact of personal biases and experiences on perceptionThe importance of curiosity and asking questionsStrategies for emotional regulation and staying calmThe role of honesty and kindness in communicationHow to recognise and challenge assumptionsThe significance of self-awareness and reflectionThe danger of overthinking and ruminationTechniques for mindful listening and speakingBuilding trust and vulnerability in relationshipsTakeawaysWe tend to interpret situations based on our own experiences and assumptions.Questioning our initial thoughts can prevent misunderstandings.Emotional regulation is crucial for effective communication.Practicing mindfulness helps in responding rather than reacting.Being honest and kind in communication fosters trust.Taking a pause before responding can de-escalate conflicts.Recognising that not everything is about us reduces overthinking.Self-awareness and curiosity are key to understanding others.Avoiding overinterpretation requires conscious effort and practice.Trusting others to tell the truth is vital, but we must also be prepared for honesty.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the roots of defensiveness, how it manifests in communication, and practical ways to respond more mindfully. Defensiveness probably has its origins in safeguarding us from a fear of being excluded, though it generally has the opposite effect from the one we are after! We are often trying to explain ourselves, to be seen as ‘a good person’ when we judge that we have been misunderstood, and we come over as defensive doing this.  We discuss the impact of childhood experiences, social dynamics, and emotional regulation on our reactions, and towards the end of the episode, we offer insights to foster healthier interactions.Key TopicsThe human tendency towards defensiveness as a safeguarding mechanismThe role of being misunderstood and judged in triggering defensivenessEvolutionary roots of fear of exclusion and outcastingThe impact of childhood experiences on adult defensivenessStrategies to respond calmly and reduce conflict in conversationsThe importance of mindfulness and present-moment awareness in communicationHow to differentiate between genuine criticism and perceived attackThe role of shame and self-perception in defensive reactionsTakeawaysDefensiveness often stems from a deep-seated fear of being misunderstood or outcast.Responding with curiosity and calmness can prevent escalation of conflicts.Childhood experiences and early relationships heavily influence adult defensive behaviours.Practicing mindfulness helps in recognising and managing defensive reactions.Building awareness of one's emotional triggers is key to healthier communication.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the intricacies of social anxiety, conversation starters, and the stories we tell ourselves about social interactions. Social anxiety can lead us to believe that everyone else is more interesting than us, but perhaps everyone else also thinks that about themselves. We consider that believing this story can be a way of making it true, by causing us to become tongue-tied in social situations. We also explore our dislike of ‘small talk’, something that’s not particular to just us!We share personal experiences and practical insights on how to navigate social situations with more confidence and authenticity.TakeawaysOur perception of others as more interesting is often a story we tell ourselves.Small talk is a necessary but often uncomfortable part of social interactions.Authenticity and self-awareness can help reduce social anxiety.Stories activate parts of us that may not be helpful in social situations.Being kind to ourselves and realistic about social interactions is crucial.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore why we are so affected by others' emotional states. We discuss how childhood experiences shape our responses, how they may make us more porus to the feelings of others.We investigate practical ways to manage our emotional boundaries, to include ourselves in our beam of care, and to protect ourselves from merging with the feelings of others. This insightful conversation offers tools for understanding and protecting our emotional well-being in personal and professional relationships.Key TopicsImpact of childhood experiences on emotional responsesRole of mirror neurons in empathy and emotional contagionStrategies for managing emotional boundariesThe influence of neurodivergence on social interactionsPractical tips for staying present without being overwhelmedFind us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we delve into the common challenge of avoiding difficult tasks, and we examine the emotional and practical barriers that keep us stuck. Often, when we find ourselves putting off getting on with the tricky things, we give ourselves a really hard time. However, it’s not as easy as just telling ourselves to get on with it! Being kind to ourselves helps us to recognise that our emotional capacity may be at breaking point. Once we can do that, we may be able to work out what one thing we might be possible to do, rather than thinking we need to complete the whole list.During this episode we share personal stories, psychological insights, and practical strategies to manage overwhelm and foster kindness towards ourselves.Tackling the hard things one step at a time with kindness towards yourself makes a significant difference. Resilience is built in small acts of compassion and realistic planning.Key topics:The complexity behind procrastinating on small but accumulative chores, like managing subscriptions or booking travel.How cognitive load and emotional capacity influence our ability to tackle tasks.We use the metaphor of a "bucket" to describe our mental capacity and how it's overwhelmed by stressors.The role of self-compassion and kindness in overcoming feelings of shame and failure.Practical strategies: breaking down tasks, scheduling focused time, and managing expectations.The impact of age, technology, and environmental factors on our capacity to do hard things.The importance of recognizing and sitting with discomfort rather than avoiding or resisting it.The power of incremental action—doing one thing at a time—and the mental shift from urgency to kindness.Find us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, we explore the complex nature of letting go of the past, the importance of boundaries, trust, and self-compassion. We talk about the difference between forgiving and forgetting. This can be a tricky one as we think that we ‘ought’ to just let go of things. And sometimes that is not in our best interests. We explore whether and when it’s ok to put in boundaries to protect ourself. We also discuss what happens when we hold on to a sense of things being better in the past and how that can affect our relationship with our present life. We discuss practical ways to navigate emotional baggage, rebuild trust, and find balance between holding on and moving forward.Key topicsWhy we hold on to past hurts and memoriesThe role of the brain in emotional patternsBoundaries and trust in relationshipsThe difference between forgive and forgetPracticing self-compassion and acceptanceThe impact of nostalgia on present lifeTechniques for letting go and closureThe importance of perspective shiftFind us at: www.adriennekirk.uk or www.presenceofmind.life Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.