How to parent better than your parents…

A question came up on a group coaching call recently: "How do you parent when you have no example? The way we grew up, with Pakistani parents who were really strict and didn't really connect with us or do any of the things that we now know we're supposed to do… things that are better for the kids in the long run… and more Islamic - like, how do we not just flip out when we see our kids doing something wrong?  

In one of the greatest movies of all-time, Kyle Reese tries to explain to Sarah Connor how dangerous this thing called "the Terminator" is: Kyle Reese: Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop... ever, until you are dead! Sarah Connor: Can you stop it? Kyle Reese: I don't know. With these weapons? I don't know

The battle against the nafs (lower, egoic self) isn't a joke.  Your eternal life and worldly life depend on it.  Fortunately, in my travels I have come across some weapons that have aided me on my personal spiritual journey of being much more aware of the tricks my nafs is trying to play on me.  As a result, I've dropped a load of psychological suffering, much of which I wasn't even aware existed, until it was gone. I never realised it's possible to go for hours and even days with virtually no thoughts - certainly none that create anxiety, anger or depression.

What is true 'Islamic Spirituality'?  It could be described and understood in a few ways: To surrender oneself fully to the will of Allah.  To embrace Allah's constant, eternal Presence.  To use the outward rituals of Islam as catalysts to deepen our awareness of Allah's Presence.  To exchange one's own mind-made fantasies for the beauty of Allah's Reality.  Put most simply, it is 'Zikr Allah' - to bring Allah to mind. To clean one's heart, by quietening one's mind; removing thoughts of anything, thereby finding the One Source of everything.

People are trying to manipulate you all the time. And when you're unconscious (meaning, unaware of your thinking and feeling), you sometimes try to manipulate others too.  Here are some common examples that we all face every day

If you've had the misfortune of turning on the TV or doom-scrolling over the last few weeks, you might have noticed the planet slowly slipping into insanity and rolling the dice on starting World War 3. As if it wasn't enough to see a genocide unfold in Gaza, our politicians seem hell-bent on making sure that level of destruction stretches out as far and wide as possible. Oh, and were you getting too comfortable with those affordable gas prices and cheap food in your local supermarket? Well, our politicians are determined to fix that too by choosing violence over diplomacy at every turn.

You remember that TV show called, "Catchphrase"? It was fun for all the family on a Saturday night before the A-Team and Nightrider would come on. (Woops… I just lost all of Gen-Z, didn't I?) Anyway, the host would ask a question like "Name a kitchen utensil" and the player would name the first word that comes to mind, like "spoon". But you only win if the majority of an audience who was surveyed before-hand gave that as one of their top 5 answers. If your answer was 'spatula' or something random that didn't make the general public's top 5, you would hear a loud 'eh-ehh' buzzer sound, and lose. Anyway, now that Gen-Zee-TV is up to speed, are you ready to play?

One of the hardest things about fasting is entering the last phase of the day, a couple of hours before the end of the fast.  Often at this point, you're tired, hungry, drained after a full day of work (often with far too little sleep) and struggling to do anything but zone out.  And somehow, just when you want everyone to leave you alone, a sibling or parent or child or spouse - or all of them together - will stmake demands, or say or do things that make you just want to SNAP! 

The Quran tells us exactly why we're ordered to fast during Ramadan. Here's my translation of the verse:  "Prescribed for you, like those before you: fast! Perhaps your increased consciousness will last" [Quran 2:182] The ultimate purpose for fasting is to increase our level of consciousness, or 'taqwa'. This begs the question:  What is your level of consciousness and how do you know if it's increasing?

A couple of weeks ago I shared a 'Ramadan Gift' - the opening chapter of the Quran in rhyming verse.  Due to tons of very positive feedback, I'm going to share a few more verses with you. Again, don't get too excited - I'm not claiming that I'm able or that it's even possible to translate the whole Quran like this.  Also, please keep in mind that this is a first draft. It has not been thoroughly scrutinized by scholars as the final version would be if it were ever to be formally published. I'm sharing it with you to gauge your feedback and to see if it would be something worth taking further.