I felt nothing.

abstraction helps us grasp the real thing. it’s been a minute. the last time I released an episode was in May- right in the midst of the loss and grief that swallowed me for a while. this is not a grand re-entrance, just a stumbling ramble back into this unending conversation of what it means to see in real time. In this episode I talk about the moment I finally opened my nostalgia now photographic journaling ritual again after the longest hiatus I ever took from it. Through it I rediscover how the blur and abstraction, instead of taking me away from reality, actually pull me closer to it. every photograph doesn't have to be about what’s gone, it gets to be a correspondence with what’s still here. I share what it’s been like to feel creative again after loss and to find the side doors back into presence when the front one feels jammed. this is me re-entering into this space- blurry eyed and awake. subscribe on substack for the visual version of this episode.

The following is my experience over the last 3 months in losing my pregnancy. I’ve repeatedly been told how common it is to have this happen- and yet again, I find myself in a “common” place with such a minimal amount of context for it. Grasping for hands to hold in this hushed common ground has been critical, I hope my voice becomes a hand you’ll never need to hold. get the visual version here: https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/

when I was a little girl, before I had any understanding that most of us never do exactly what we say we want to do, my dad told me if he ever had the chance he would 100% go to the moon. I was absolutely horrified. But even in my panic, even in my steadfast objection- I remember his eyes. Where is the inner space where fear and trepidation get swallowed by enthusiasm/inspiration/life force itself? get the visual podcast delivered to your inbox for free via substack

What happens when we start respecting ALL parts of ourselves- like the exact constellation we are meant to be? What happens when we stop operating from a place of insufficiency or subconscious shame and start living our lives according to our own design? Join the conversation with human design guide & business mentor Sylvia Bbela substack for this episode: https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/  More from Sylvia Bbela : https://www.instagram.com/sylbbela.co/ All things Sylvia here

But no matter how intensely I feel something, I’m always left with this sensation that there is a trapdoor the feeling didn’t make it through. a forbidden place that is trying to protect the deepest parts of me… I could cry at a leaf on the fucking ground if I think about it enough. But I cannot escape this feeling that I am not feeling enough. A sensation of some sort of weird disconnect- A severed pathway that abruptly stops feelings before they get to some sort of elusive satisfying place that I’ll never know. Subscribe to substack for free visual podcast episode delivered to your inbox.  

When I can’t be with myself or what is, I turn to repetition. Why do I listen to the same song over and over and over and over again? Is it because they are saying something I wish I could? Is it because it makes me feel something I can’t muster up for myself? Is it because I’m looking for permission to feel something I haven’t even let myself acknowledge? Why do I watch the same shows over and over and over again? Is it because I want to feel comforted and familiar without having to actually participate? Is it because I feel braced for what I know occurs and I don’t have to feel it fresh and hard? Is it because I won’t allow space for something I don’t already know? Why do I prefer to read or write about things instead of doing the thing itself? If I read about writing instead of actually writing, I can feel like I’m in that world without actually having to be in the work of it. If I read about others thoughts on philosophy and life, I can breathe the sigh of relief that I’m not as alien as I thought and lessen the compulsion to have to articulate myself. The benefits of choosing this peripheral version of living have a limited shelf life. As cozy as it is, this repetitive overconsumption of repetition leads to repetitive undercreation. The temporary relief sedates us. It paralyzes our ability to actively engage/create/and experience life from our unique version of creative life force. It becomes an autopilot choice to be a passive bystander rather than an active participant. Why am I the only exception to my deepest belief? An unconditional love and acceptance of what is…unless what is, is me. This episode is an invitation to renovate the well grooved neuropathways of our mind to a home that feels good instead of just familiar. Get a free visual version of this podcast delivered to your inbox via subscribing to my substack :)  

Just because art can clarify and illuminate and help you feel through things, doesn't mean that those things resolve or feel complete. The subconscious expectation and unfulfillment of that expectation can do some damage. If this episode feels incomplete it's because I feel incomplete right now and I'm going to let it be incomplete because as you know, I am working on not demanding everything I create to resolve something inside of me. (And ironically, maybe that will resolve everything. lol. ) Get this episode as a free substack post. I call them my visual podcasts :) click here.  

 Every Christmas I'm left with the strange remorse of not having achieved this elusive feeling I yearn for. Surely I'm missing it by looking for it, but I cannot help it. It's all I've ever known. This perpetual homesickness for a feeling I've never felt . I grasp for moments like chasing bubbles. Only for it to vanish in the moment of contact… Subscribe to free visual/written podcast episodes delivered to your inbox HERE.

Photography has betrayed me. It’s given me an out under the facade of going in. It’s become an emotional to do list too long to ever conquer. Just as I brain dump my ideas and to do tasks onto a paper in an effort for relief and fake accountability, I take pictures when I’m seeing something that feels too much, thinking- I’ll feel this later. My friend asked me the other day in response to my photographic frustration- “can’t that moment be enough? The thisness of that moment and why you photographed it?”- can’t it be whole on it’s own without feeling like there’s a further emotional processing that needs to happen? It was such a wonderful question that felt like buoyant possibility. And I immediately felt the answer I didn't want...nope. Today I ask you one of the most important questions anyone can be asked in life- the same question that revealed my sophisticated subconscious self sabotage that made me consider putting the camera down for a while. Subscribe to free visual/written podcast episodes delivered to your inbox HERE.  

i started baking bread. most might not find that cause for concern- but for me, it’s alarming. 1/3 life crisis? (too old for 1/4, too young for mid) i’m feeling a little refreshingly lost. lost in a way that feels more like freedom than panic. I had a major shift in my headspace after my recent trip to Europe. I'm ready to talk about it. subscribe for free visual podcast episodes