284: How to Work Smarter on Your Marriage for Real, Lasting Change

Have you ever worked so hard to fix a problem in your marriage, only to find yourself right back in the same place weeks later? Most couples don't struggle because they aren't trying. They struggle because they're putting a lot of effort into changes that can't create lasting results. In this episode, Dan explains what it actually means to work smarter on your marriage, not harder. Drawing from systems theory, personal experience, and real coaching stories, he shows why some changes help temporarily while others lead to real, lasting transformation. He breaks down the difference between first-order change (doing more or less of the same things) and second-order change (upgrading the rules your relationship is operating on). You'll learn how to recognize when you're stuck in surface-level fixes, how to identify the unspoken "rules" your marriage is operating by, and what it looks like to make changes at the level that truly creates growth—especially around intimacy, desire differences, and recurring conflict. Resources  Next Level Loving: A Virtual Intimacy Getaway (Feb 13-14): https://getyourmarriageon.com/next-levels-virtual-lovemaking-retreat/ Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program: https://getyourmarriageon.com/program/ Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps (Valentine's Intimacy Challenge coming up!): https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/    

What if ADHD isn't a bug in your marriage — but a feature? In this episode of the Get Your Marriage On Podcast, I sit down with Kamden Hainsworth, an ADHD coach and host of the Busy Brained Saint, to unpack how ADHD uniquely impacts desire, intimacy, novelty, rejection sensitivity, and emotional regulation in marriage. Kamden shares her mid-life burn out, late ADHD diagnosis, and how understanding her brain completely transformed her marriage and sex life. Together, they explore why ADHD can amplify desire differences, why boredom feels unbearable in intimacy, how rejection sensitivity dysphoria shows up in sex, and how novelty can be a powerful connector (when done with trust and communication). Whether you're the ADHD partner or married to one, this conversation offers clarity, compassion, and practical insight into building a more playful, honest, and deeply connected sexual relationship. Resources  101 Ways to Initiate Sex The Sexploration List Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program: https://getyourmarriageon.com/program/ Men's Only and Women's Only Cohorts (starting this week): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/ Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps (Valentine's Intimacy Challenge coming up!): https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/ Guest Links Kamden ADHD coaching Instagram: @kamden_adhd @thebusybrainedsaint   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

What's the difference between pursuing your spouse and pressuring them, and why does it matter so much for desire, attraction, and connection? In this episode, Dan joins Sean on the Dad Improvement Podcast for an honest conversation about what actually creates passion in marriage, and what quietly kills it.  You'll hear why emotional connection must come before sexual connection, how pressure can either destroy attraction or build it (depending on how it's expressed), and why pretending everything is fine does more damage than honesty ever could. This episode is especially for husbands who want more intimacy but don't want to become needy, entitled, or emotionally disconnected in the process — and for couples navigating desire differences without resentment. Stick around to the end, because now it's time for Dan to share his black belt sex tip! Resources and Events Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's Only and Women's Only Cohorts (starting end of January): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/ Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps: https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/ NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026   

What happens when you're having sex regularly—but it still feels empty? In this episode, Roberth and Laticia share their honest journey through desire differences, duty sex, resentment, and the painful belief that something must be wrong with one (or both) of them. Around the 10-year mark in their marriage, sex turned into a power struggle: Roberth wanted more, and Laticia felt like she could never be enough. Therapy didn't bring clarity—it left them feeling even more stuck. They eventually discovered that the problem wasn't lack of effort or attraction. They were missing skills—like understanding pleasure, learning about female anatomy, making space for emotional connection, and recognizing the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. They also learned how often sex had become a way to manage each other's emotions instead of a place for true connection. You'll hear the breakthroughs that helped them move from "empty sex" to a more connected, confident, and collaborative intimate relationship, plus practical language for couples who feel stuck in the same cycle. If you've ever thought, "Why does this still feel disconnected?" or "Am I broken for not wanting sex more?" this conversation will give you hope and a clearer next step forward. Resources Mentioned in the Episode Come As You Are Becoming Cliterate Get Your Marriage On Coaching Program: https://getyourmarriageon.com/program/ Men's Only and Women's Only Cohorts (starting in January): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/ Intimately Us & Just Between Us apps: https://getyourmarriageon.com/our-apps/

What separates good intimacy from exceptional intimacy? In this special year-end compilation, we round up the most powerful "Black Belt" sex and intimacy tips of 2025, the next-level insights that don't come from technique alone, but from presence, awareness, confidence, communication, and desire. Featuring clips from some of the most impactful guests of the year, this episode explores how slowing down, tuning into your body, cultivating emotional safety, embracing confidence, and deepening awareness can transform your sexual connection. Whether you're looking for practical ideas or profound mindset shifts, this episode invites you to go deeper, with yourself and your spouse. Resources and Events Apply for the Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We're sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!) NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026  Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's and Women's Only Cohorts starting in January!    Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

If you've ever felt not good enough, feared rejection, or found yourself reacting in ways you don't even understand, this episode is for you. Marriage & family therapist Trevor (Art of Healing by Trevor) explains why so many couples get stuck in cycles of pursuit, shutdown, anxiety, and disconnection — and the emotional transformation required to break free. This conversation is raw, restorative, and deeply practical. In this episode you'll learn: Why fear of abandonment and "I'm not enough" beliefs show up in marriage The two classic patterns: people-pleasing pursuer + shut-down withdrawer How emotional safety outside the bedroom changes intimacy inside it How to work with your inner child to create real healing A step-by-step framework for emotional transformation How secure partners show up differently in sex, connection, and conflict Why awareness alone isn't enough — and what actually creates change Guest Links Instagram: @theartofhealingbytrevor Website: theartofhealingbytrevor.com Resources and Events Apply for the Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We're sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!) NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026  Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's and Women's Only Cohorts starting in January!    Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

What if one photo session could shift the way you see your body and the way you show up in your marriage? Today's guest, Lindsey of Beloved by Lindsey, is a boudoir photographer who helps women confront insecurities, dismantle shame, and increase their confidence, spirituality, and body image. In this episode you'll learn: How a conservative Southern Baptist girl unexpectedly became a boudoir photographer Why boudoir isn't vain or pornographic The transformation women experience when they finally see what their spouse sees How increasing self-confidence affects your marriage What happens in a boudoir session How to break the generational negative self-talk cycle A powerful technique for body-neutrality and self-acceptance Tips for husbands who want to suggest boudoir to their wives Lindsey's "black belt sex tip" for deeper intimacy and better communication*   We're so excited to have Lindsey join us on our upcoming cruise as our in-house (in-boat?) boudoir photographer! It's optional, but included in the total price of your cruise. You get to take away a fabulous momento from your sexy and intimate getaway! Apply to join us: https://getyourmarriageon.com/cruise/ *If you'd like some questions to ask your spouse (like Lindsey's tip), check out this post with 29 spicy questions!   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Can "being good" actually get in the way of good sex? If you have spent your life "trying to be good," but still struggle to create a deep intimate connection with your spouse, you're not alone. In this episode, we talk about how to move beyond "good-boy/good-girl syndrome" and into the inherent goodness God designed in sexuality. If you grew up believing that sexual thoughts or desires were dangerous, shameful, or spiritually risky, this episode will help you see your sexuality through an entirely new lens—one grounded in joy, creativity, emotional connection, and spiritual maturity. You'll learn: Why chastity and fidelity aren't restrictions—they're keys to true sexual freedom How your motivation for sex changes when obligation is removed Why the "dirty" parts of sex might be the very things that sanctify your marriage How embracing paradox and playfulness makes intimacy deeper and more meaningful This is an episode for every couple longing to move from anxiety-driven sex to soul-expanding intimacy. Resources and Events: Apply for the Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We're sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!) NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026  Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's and Women's Only Cohorts starting in January! Stand by for more information coming soon!

Purchasing and wearing lingerie can often be surrounded by comparison, insecurity, and pressure, but it doesn't have to be! In this episode, Melina Weekes of Dainty Lace shares how fabrics, colors, mindset, and small daily practices can help women feel genuinely beautiful and confident in their own skin. Whether you're brand-new to lingerie or wanting to rekindle confidence in your marriage, this episode offers practical, uplifting guidance rooted in self-worth and connection. In this episode, we cover: How comparison keeps women (and men) stuck  The way different fabrics influence how you feel and why that matters in intimacy How to discover your color season and why the right tones instantly boost confidence Why lingerie isn't "just for the wedding night" How Christian women can reclaim confidence without compromising values Lingerie shopping as a husband Melina's surprising "black belt sex tip" (hint: it involves cowboys 😉) Learn more about Dainty Lace: Website: Daintylace.com Instagram: @dainty.lace.confidence   Resources and Events: Apply for the next Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We're sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!) NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026  Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's and Women's Only Cohorts starting in January! Stand by for more information coming soon! Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Most couples think intimacy is about communication or affection, but there are actually two different types of intimacy operating beneath the surface of every marriage. Chances are, you've only been using one of them… and it's the one that keeps you stuck. In this episode, we break down the difference between other-validated intimacy and self-validated intimacy, and why shifting what type you develop can change everything about how you talk, connect, and experience sex in your marriage. In this episode, we cover: What the two types of intimacy actually are Why one leads to emotional gridlock Why the other opens the door to deeper connection How validation (or lack of it) affects both emotional and sexual intimacy Real-life examples from couples who transformed their connection The spiritual root of self-validated intimacy How your emotional reactivity is shaping your marriage Five practical ways to build self-validated intimacy today If you've ever wanted deeper conversation, more ease, or a more meaningful sexual connection, this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air. Resources and Events: Apply for the next Get Your Marriage On! Program: getyourmarriageon.com/program In-Person Retreat April 2025 (We're sold out, but you can apply to get on the waitlist!) NEW Get Your Marriage On! Cruise: October 2026  Valentine's Day Weekend Virtual Retreat Men's and Women's Only Cohorts starting in January! Stand by for more information coming soon!