31 – Kiosk Quest

Love is in the air! The damp, stinky, moldy air. Adron and Travis open the ex-files to educate you, the listener, on how to attract, keep, and potentially slay a mate with LOVE LANGUAGES. Plus: kissin' in kobold, literal love bombing, and Frico the Cheese Angel. You're welcome, Stephanies. 🏰 RE: RE: Date Your Boss! Have you ever wanted to rise up the corporate ladder the fast way? Introducing Mandatory Speed Dating Mondays! Mr. Royals will be vetting all potential candidates, single, poly, or immoral, with a series of prodding questions and prodding... prods. The event is BYOCasserole so bake accordingly! Kisses, R&R HR

Happy nautical new year, nerds! This one has Adron, Travis, and Ian sailing the seven sleepy seas to create an adventure that can help some old fogeys stay awake. (Fogies? Fogerties?) Plus: rabid sleepytime bears! Plant clones! Weak shanty attempts! Wow! 🏰 RE: RE: New Year, New You Clippings To all Royals and Royals employees: we see that you are trying to clip your plant clone to create additional clones, and ergo i.e. e.g an entire plant clone army of yourself. Well let it be known that any attempts to unionize these plant clone armies will be squashed immediately. Squashed! Gardening joke! Dictated but not read, Travis Royals

🎄 Sweet silver bells, it's Ian and Travis! 🎄 And they're building a festive edutainment adventure that teaches the storied (and controversial) history of your Yuliday tree. So listen up, because there is a quiz afterwards, and it IS mandatory! Plus: attack of the Wintaur! Saint Steve sucks! And Travis spilled soda on his hat! 🎄🎄🎄 RE: RE: [AUTOMATED YULIDAYS MESSAGE] Hello and thank you for your message! The Royals and Royals HR team will be out of office from the 22nd of Deepwinter until such time as our department has funding again. If you require immediate assistance, please reach out to Mr. Royals at [email protected]. Huzzah and merry Yulidays! R&R HR

Ooh baby, this one is a doozy! Ian's out because he had a baby, so Adron and Travis are coming up with baddies to toughen the little sucker up! Personally I'm scared of the pigglies who are going around haunting toes... Plus: three Miatas! Ye olde Best Western smoking policies! And baby eldritch blasts! 👶 RE: RE: To all parents of Royals and Royals— You are invited to a wonderful night of BLOPPI ON ICE! Watch in amazement as Bloppi explains dinosaurs while pirouetting across the logo of your local minor league hockey team! Buy a piece of plastic that lights up and makes a lot of noise and bring it into your home! Be haunted by the strange sensation of being surrounded by a stadium full of babies and plan your escape route! And the best part is: it's free! Note: Royals and Royals is not responsible for any babies, possessed, lost, or otherwise incapacitated. Hail Bloppi, R&R HR

HAPPY SHANKS, Y'ALL! Ian and Travis talk the best ways to turkey proof your home from the Shanksgiving serial murderer aarakocra Jack the Flapper. Plus: Ian's pregnant! Travis learns about half baths! Turkey wieners! 🦃🔪 Dear underlings, Apparently I have upset Jack the Flapper with the most recent podcast and he is taking extra special interest in our employees. Mind your most stabbable bits—and Happy Holidays! Ok bye, Travis Royals

OH MY GOURD. Travis and Ian nestle in to share cider recipes and the best way to stay cozy while adventuring and covered in pumpkin guts. Or demon guts. Either way, its natural and so we support it. 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— The employee refrigerator in the break room is there for you all to use, but we have to establish a few rules. Please add your name to your food so when Travis steals food from it, he will know who has good stuff. Also please label whether or not it includes GMO fruits, vegetables, etc. GMO stands for Guidanced Magical Organism. I know it will give you a extra d4 to get your work done, but some people prefer to not consume them Thank you for your cooperation. — R&R Humanoid Resources

Aaahh!!! Real hipsters! Ian, Travis, and Adron teach all of us nerds how to prepare for a cool people Halloween party. The answer involves lots of bird meat and very little clothing. Plus: Adron's first stand-up meeting! The coolest hat ever! And invisible make out sessions! 🏰 To all Royals and Royals team-members— You may have noticed four very skinny duergar have taken residence in the kitchen. This is Mr. Royal's new "entourage". They are relatively harmless, though their judgmental looks may cause some psychic damage... and insecurities about your outfit. If you want to get on their good side, we recommend giving them a carton of Marl Burrows. Huzzah! R&R HR

JUMPSCARE! Travis and Ian are making a modern horror story set in the spookiest place of all: the suburbs! It's a choose-your-own adventure that is equal parts trick AND treat! Plus: shin kicks, loose s'mores, and lengthy descriptions of garage paint! 🏰 To the witches and warlocks of Royals and Royals- The cinnamon brooms are intended as seasonally appropriate decor and should not be ridden around the office. Ultimately this is for your protection—most all who have attempted to do this have contracted an incurable case of Cider Crotch. Huzzah- R&R HR

In this extra crappy episode of Crappy Castles, the full squad of Travis, Ian, and Adron dive deep into the socio-economic structure of malls and their current state of abandonment. Also we coin the term "Fluffback" Tell us how you have started incorporating the word Fluffback into your everyday speech by sending us an email at [email protected] 🏰 FROM: Orange J. SUBJ: fast food monarchy Dear Royals and Adron Please make an adventure that allows me to usurp the throne from the Burger-oise pretender and the lactose based wench. My rule would be just, fruitful, and chilly. This is my last straw, Caesar O. Julius.

This one's for the speed freaks. Enjoy the Undeath Race 500, The Ranger Zone, and more high speed, high stakes one shots! Plus: snackable wine skins, taurtaurs, and Tasha Yar is there! IF YOU HAVE A TREANT / DIABETES JOKE, PLEASE SEND IT TO [email protected] 🏰 FROM: [email protected] SUBJ: Sent from the Trek Plane Dear Crappy Castles, I much appreciated your recent mention of me on Episode 30: 2 Fast 2 Mad About It! It is with a heavy heart that I inform you that I will have to sue you for defaming me, slandering me, and otherwise being mean. Thanks much, see you in court! Love you! Denise Crosby (I was in Mutant Species)