Live with Sue Reid

I can’t believe I have been on this planet for 67 years and have only just discovered the wonder of clouds.Of course, I have always known they are there. I have looked up to see if it’s likely to rain and have complained when they have hidden the sun from me.Recently, though, I have started watching them. I have found myself staring at them for long minutes. I make strange animals from their shapes and imagine they might be hiding portals to other worlds. I love how some days they float along so slowly, and other days they speed up as the wind blows them sideways.I find it an incredible way to soften the world for a few minutes and relax.For most of my career, I never would have dreamed of spending several minutes simply watching clouds. I had far too much to do.Or at least, that’s what I believed.Being busyHow hectic is your life?Sometimes it seems we hardly notice how busy our lifestyle has become.Maybe the moment you wake up, you immediately check your phone. Now you are already feeling the pressure of the emails, appointments, commitments and a to-do list as long as your arm.That’s before you have even had your first coffee.You get to work, and it’s go, go, go until the workday finally ends. Then you fight through traffic, get home exhausted, and start all over again the next day.If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. I was there once. I used to finish work at 10 pm sometimes, and only then because I couldn’t focus any more. Up again at 4 am (yes, really) to catch up on more work before I went to work. That’s a strange life. Was I really that busy? Or was it because I never gave myself enough time to recharge?Even as I built my confidence, I still measured my worth against my achievements, not how aligned I felt with the things that mattered to me. I was always trying to prove myself.In the two years before I retired from the corporate world, I started to slow down.I was beginning to realise that my health mattered more than constantly pushing myself to achieve more.I had also read an article about the toll that lack of sleep takes on your body over time. It shocked me enough that I wanted to do something about it.I was still worried about falling behind. Part of me felt guilty about doing less. But I was also in a stronger financial position than I had been in a few years earlier, which luckily gave me some freedom.I remember thinking, “I’m retiring soon anyway. If slowing down doesn’t work out, I can always leave.”I started limiting my appointments. I blocked out time in my diary for proper breaks, going outside for a walk rather than getting a coffee from the machine and spending five minutes gossiping. I left my laptop on my desk instead of taking it home. That meant I worked an average of five hours less each day.The strange thing was I didn’t get behind at all.I actually got more done in those last two years than I had in ages.Slowing downWhen we rush through life, how much of it do we truly notice?We might feel grateful for our family, our home, our health, or the opportunities we have. But how often do we pause long enough to appreciate them?We can become so focused on what needs doing next that we barely notice what is happening now.When we slow down, we give ourselves a break from busyness. We might think we can use the weekends and our annual holiday to slow down. But how many times do you check your emails, finish off a piece of work, or worry about what’s waiting for you when you return? I did all of that.It’s easy to forget about self-care when we are busy. It becomes a luxury rather than the priority it is. Constantly rushing from one thing to another can leave us feeling stressed and on edge. Over time, without enough opportunity to rest and recover, that can take a toll on our physical and mental wellbeing.Gratitude doesn’t always have to be something we consciously practise. Sometimes it’s something we experience. We can all identify the good things in our lives. We need to live them too.* Walking in nature rather than scrolling through pictures of trees.* Sitting quietly and feeling the comfort of our home.* Being fully present with the people we love.* Spending time playing with our pets.I wish I had started slowing down earlier in my career, rather than waiting until I felt it was safe to do so. Taking a proper lunch hour, away from my desk, would have helped. Even short breaks of looking out of the window instead of looking at a screen give our brains a rest.Staying presentWhen we choose to live with intention, it isn’t just about making choices that align with our values. It’s also about being present enough to experience the life we’re choosing.By slowing down, we create space for gratitude, and gratitude may then give us a reason to slow down further.I no longer measure my life by how much I get done, but by how I experience it. I recognise that my wellbeing matters, even when there are still things to be done.Slowing down and being present helps us see that we don’t need to keep pushing. We give ourselves self-respect and self-love, showing that we have nothing to prove.Watching cloudsMy fascination with clouds is just one way I find my peace. I also watch the birds in my garden, observe people passing by my house, or simply sit in silence.I think appreciating these moments, when you make time for them, is living gratitude. I don’t have to tell myself I am grateful; I enjoy the moment.I used to let my work steal my time. Now I feel free to spend more time on what brings me joy.I wonder how many other small pleasures are waiting for me to notice them.After 67 years, I’m still discovering new things to love about being alive.Slowing down doesn’t give us more time. It gives us the chance to appreciate and experience the time we have.Living with intention and presence isn’t always about grand gestures or reaching goals. We can flourish in very ordinary moments where we feel connected to life.I wonder what you might discover if you gave yourself a little time to simply be?Where to next?If you are new to Confidence Matters, you might like this post where I talk about how I moved towards a life I could flourish in.I Found the Courage to Change My Life ForeverThank you for being hereMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you, Evergreen Essence Forest, Muyiwa Adedeji, and everyone else who tuned in to my live video with Firas Maraby! Join me for my next live video in the app.Firas is a health and wellbeing coach with 18 years experience in the industry. He fuses mental and physical fitness with nutrition.Firas has written a guest post for me this week. Look out for that on Thursday.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the final post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect YourselfWeek 4 - When Self-Respect Becomes a Way of LifeAt the beginning of October, I suggested that you don’t have to love yourself to respect yourself.You don’t need to feel wonderful or think you have everything figured out if that doesn’t feel true right now. Instead, you can realise you matter and start making small changes that reflect that.We have explored what self-respect looks like, how we abandon ourselves, how we let others treat us, and what happens when self-respect becomes part of everyday life.How can you recognise that your self-respect is growing?We may believe we deserve respect, but we don’t always act that way.So, a good question to ask yourself is:Do my actions align with the person I believe deserves respect?For a long time, my answer would have been no.These days, I respect myself because I realise I matter as much as anyone else.So, to finish off our October series, here are five things I’ve noticed that people with healthy self-respect tend to do differently.#1. They don’t beat themselves up when things go wrongPeople with healthy self-respect take responsibility for their mistakes. They don’t get defensive or try to shift the blame. They accept they have messed up, but they don’t beat themselves up about it. Instead, they learn from it.I used to call myself stupid every time I made a mistake. I never realised I was chipping away at my self-trust each time I said it.We are conditioned to believe we should always get things right. At school, teachers often mark wrong answers in red ink. We often believe that if we make a mistake, we will be humiliated and embarrassed, and end up feeling ashamed. We grow up with this inner fear of rejection if we get something wrong.The thing is, no one gets through life without making a mistake. It is part of being human, and it is how we learn and grow.It’s important to remember that a mistake is something you did, not who you are.People with healthy self-respect recognise that distinction. They take responsibility, make things right where they can, and learn from the experience without turning it into self-criticism.How to use thisTalk to yourself as you would to a good friend. If your friend tells you they have made a mistake and are feeling bad about it, you wouldn’t call them stupid or useless. So stop doing that to yourself.Look at how you can put it right and what you can learn for next time.#2. They communicate their boundaries without excessive explanationThey understand that saying no does not make them unkind or selfish.Self-respect isn’t just how you feel about yourself; it’s how you show up in the world. That does not always come naturally. For most of us, setting boundaries and saying no brings a lot of discomfort.We set a boundary, and the person pushes back. We start to feel uncomfortable, so we either over-explain or give in.This might ease the discomfort in that moment, but it won’t last. Later, we start to worry about whether that was the right thing to do.With healthy self-respect, you set boundaries and stick to them. You don’t feel the urge to over-explain yourself. You may still feel uncomfortable or guilty, but you recognise that those feelings don’t necessarily mean you’ve made the wrong decision.You can be considerate of another person’s needs without automatically putting them above your own.That doesn’t mean always saying no or putting yourself first, though.Sometimes we choose to put another person’s needs ahead of our own because it’s the kind and loving thing to do.The difference is that we make that choice freely, rather than out of fear, guilt, or a need for approval.How to use thisNext time you say no to something and start to feel that discomfort, ask yourself:Am I making this decision because I genuinely want to, or because I’m afraid of how the other person will react if I don’t?#3. They make decisions based on their values, not other people’s expectationsThey listen to advice but don’t automatically abandon their judgement. They consider their needs and act in ways that align with their values.That doesn’t mean you never ask for help or seek another opinion. Sometimes we are unsure of the best option. Self-respect means taking responsibility for your decisions. You listen, consider your options, and choose what feels most aligned with your values and circumstances. If new information comes along, you can change your mind without seeing it as a failure.You may not always get it right, but as in example #1, you learn from it and use the information to move on.How to use thisThe questions to ask yourself here are:Is this decision truly my own, or am I doing what I’m expected to do?Is this decision aligned with my values, with what matters to me?#4. They choose relationships where respect goes both waysThey don’t expect everyone to agree with them, but they value mutual consideration and honesty.Looking back, I can see how one-sided some of my relationships were. I often accepted behaviour that hurt me because I didn’t believe I deserved anything better.Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, where both people can express their feelings and opinions without fear of being belittled or humiliated. Both parties matter.You can love someone deeply and still disagree with them.But there is a difference between accepting someone’s right to a different opinion and accepting behaviour that consistently undermines your dignity.When you respect yourself, you recognise that difference.You stop believing that maintaining a relationship is always more important than how you are treated within it.How to use thisTwo questions to keep in mind:Can I be myself in this relationship without feeling that I have to make myself smaller?When we disagree, do we still treat each other with kindness and respect?#5. They keep promises to themselvesThey take their needs and commitments seriously while allowing flexibility when life changes.People with healthy self-respect take their commitments seriously.If they decide to do something that matters to them, they follow through.Not because they have to prove their worth, but because their time, needs and intentions matter too.Think about how you feel when someone repeatedly promises to do something for you and then lets you down. Eventually, you stop trusting their promises.Something similar can happen in our relationship with ourselves.We promise to start exercising, take time for ourselves, work on a project, or change a habit. But other things keep taking priority, and we set our own commitments aside.Over time, we may begin to doubt our ability to follow through.Self-respect means treating your commitments with the same care you would give a promise to someone you care about.That doesn’t mean being rigid.Sometimes life changes, circumstances intervene, or we realise a commitment no longer serves us.We can adjust our plans without abandoning ourselves.The aim isn’t perfect consistency. It’s becoming someone you know you can rely on.How to use thisMake one small promise to yourself this week that feels realistic and meaningful.It might be taking a daily walk, spending fifteen minutes on a project, or giving yourself some uninterrupted time to rest.If circumstances change, consciously decide how to adjust your commitment.Then notice how it feels to take your own promises seriously.Building self-respect and much moreSmall changes often seem insignificant, but they are not. Every time you choose yourself, you are building not only self-respect but also self-trust and self-confidence.You don’t have to love yourself before you can begin treating yourself with respect.You can start with one small way of treating yourself as if you matter.Gradually, those small choices… This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you Melin Talks Story 🌺, Saira Anwar, and many others for tuning into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the fourth post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned MyselfWeek 3 - You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission to Respect YourselfWhen I committed to rebuilding my confidence, I needed to confront the shame I carried.My life felt like a mess. I was drinking too much, moving through unhealthy relationships, and making choices that left me feeling worse about myself. I carried an enormous amount of shame.When you don’t believe you’re a good person, it’s hard to treat yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve.I started a mirror exercise I learned from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols. Every morning, I looked at my reflection and spoke to myself with as much compassion as I could muster, as if talking to a dear friend. I repeated twenty-one sentences in total, divided into seven things I was proud of, seven I forgave myself for, and seven I would now commit to.* 1. I am proud of myself for… seven things.* 2. I forgive myself for…seven things.* 3. I commit to… seven things.I addressed myself by name each time while looking in the mirror. If I couldn’t think of anything new, I repeated things I had said before.This exercise was really hard. At first, it was difficult to find things to be proud of. I started with small things. I am proud that I drank a glass of water this morning for my health. That was enough to begin.The hardest part was forgiveness. I cried almost every time. But as I kept practising, something gradually began to soften.The words became easier, and the tears turned to compassion. Then the day came when I looked in the mirror and simply said, ‘I love you.’For nearly thirty years, I have told my reflection that I love her.Looking back, I can see I was learning to recognise my worth, forgive my mistakes, and take responsibility for how I treated myself.I stopped reminding myself to respect myself; I just did. It became who I am.What changes with self-respect?It becomes naturalAs we have explored self-respect this month, I have mentioned using the question, “What would I do if I loved and respected myself?” as a guide.With practice, you may find yourself asking the question less often. You begin making choices that reflect your self-respect without having to consciously remind yourself.Saying no without overthinkingAt first, you probably stumble over your words. Sometimes you mean to say no, but yes still slips out before you can stop it.Then one day you can say no without any accompanying anguish or guilt. You may still feel uncomfortable sometimes, but the discomfort no longer automatically changes your decision.You don’t need to prove you are kindWhen self-respect becomes part of your identity, you no longer need to prove your goodness by constantly giving, helping or agreeing.You can care about someone else’s happiness without making yourself responsible for it.Some people won’t always understand the change in you, and that’s okay. You have learned to be comfortable with it.Your relationship with yourself improvesSelf-respect improves your relationship with yourself. You know you are not perfect. You still make mistakes, have bad days, and slip back into bad habits.You can acknowledge a mistake, take responsibility, and move forward without attacking your character.Perfection is never the goal. The aim is to accept yourself and care enough about yourself to treat yourself right.Self-respect becomes something you return to, rather than something you have to earn anew.Living in alignmentWhen you respect yourself, your decisions increasingly reflect what matters to you.You become more aware of the people, activities and environments that support your wellbeing.You might notice something unexpected, as I did. Life hasn’t necessarily become easier, but living it feels less like a struggle against yourself.Self-respect and self-compassionJust this week, I made a mistake. I added twice as much water as I should have to my bread pre-ferment. Not so long ago, I would have thrown it straight in the bin and started again, berating myself for making a stupid mistake and wasting flour.I left it as it was. The next morning, I adjusted the water for the final dough and carried on. It turned out well. Very tasty, in fact.I made a mistake, adjusted my approach, and carried on. I didn’t self-criticise, get frustrated, or question my ability to bake bread.Nearly thirty years ago, when I stood in front of the mirror, I struggled to find even one thing to be proud of. I had to consciously remind myself to be kind and respectful to myself.Today, I don’t even think about it.The self-respect I once had to practise is now how I live.Growth isn’t about never making mistakes or never struggling with life. Growth is about not turning against ourselves when we do.Where to next?I have refreshed and updated my ‘About’ page this week. Take a look here: Link to About pageDo you have questions about self-respect? Leave a comment, reply to the email or DM me.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the third post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfWeek 2 - It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself“How many Christmas cards have you had?”That’s a very simple question, so why did it make me feel so uncomfortable?At the time, it was normal for people to send Christmas cards to family and friends. They also gave them to colleagues at the office.Maybe Angela asked everyone that question because she saw it as a popularity contest. Lots of cards meaning lots of friends? Who knows? I don’t because I never asked. I kept quiet, stayed small and dreaded going to the branch.What might seem like an innocent everyday question made me feel inadequate.Being asked about Christmas cards felt like being asked how many friends I had. I was still gripped by an old belief that I wasn’t interesting, so people didn’t like me. I was still struggling with social anxiety.The first time, I replied with a number. She told me smugly she had more than that. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but she asked me again the following week.Looking back, I wish I had known that I didn’t have to prove how popular I was or justify myself by answering that question, no matter how innocent it might have been.You don’t need to earn respectThe only thing I was ever taught about respect is that you had to earn it. People will only respect you if you earn it. I no longer believe that.Everyone deserves basic respect. However, we do not have to prove that we are worthy of kindness, consideration or dignity.When you know that you have nothing to prove to anyone, you realise that you only need to respect yourself. No one ever told me that.You don’t need to enforce it by being rude or aggressive, either. I have tried that; it doesn’t work. The most powerful self-respect is quiet and natural, because you believe in your self-worth.As your self-respect grows, you become more comfortable communicating what is and isn’t acceptable to you. You stop feeling the need to explain or justify every decision. You develop a quiet presence that comes from knowing your own worth.Presence is a quiet power.The more you respect yourself, the more others will see you as someone worth respecting. They know where they stand with you.We are conditioned to believe we need people to be comfortable around us. We often let ourselves feel uncomfortable so others feel comfortable.Building healthy self-respect is part of building a quiet but powerful confidence. It’s not about control, but inner steadiness.As I talked about in last week’s post, It Took a While to Realise All the Ways I had Abandoned Myself, self-respect begins with the small ways we choose to stop abandoning ourselves.Then you communicate your limits by setting healthy boundaries.Interacting with othersWhen you set a healthy boundary, you are letting people know what you do and don’t allow from them. Boundaries do not have to be rigid; they can change depending on who you are with. You are probably happy to be hugged by a close friend, but maybe not by a complete stranger.Sometimes a boundary is as simple as telling a friend that you can’t meet for coffee because you need some time to yourself. You don’t have to invent an excuse or feel guilty for needing that time.It might be politely declining to work late at the office or not taking on someone else’s work to ‘help them catch up.’You might find it difficult to disagree with someone you care about. But having your own opinion won’t threaten a good relationship.Setting boundaries also includes knowing what you will do when that limit isn’t respected. We can’t always control another person’s behaviour, but we can choose our response.After years of being someone’s verbal punching bag, I no longer tolerate attacks on my character. Feedback is fine; rudeness and aggression are not. I walk away from those conversations. I don’t argue; I tell the person that I am not happy with being spoken to that way. I don’t need to explain myself; it’s a quiet refusal to be treated badly.If I say no to something I don’t want, I only need to explain myself if I feel it’s necessary. If the person is unhappy or disappointed, that is not my fault.I no longer abandon myself to keep the peace. I speak up, say no, and I handle the hard conversations.Responding to AngelaHow would I handle that question now?I would probably smile and say, “I have had a few.”That’s all I would need to say.Maybe Angela received more than I did. That would be nice, as it clearly meant something to her. Neither of us needs to feel uncomfortable.Someone might wonder how something as trivial as a question about Christmas cards can be upsetting. For me, at the time, it was a trigger unrelated to the question.This matters because our feelings are always okay. A trigger is information that tells us something needs addressing.Self-respect has not made me selfish or aggressive. It has made me a person who can hold her head up and say what needs to be said. Not loud, just quiet and respectful of the other person.Where to next?Having healthy self-respect is part of living in alignment with your true self. I have spent years rebuilding my shattered confidence and self-esteem. Now I know who I am. If this interests you, you might like this post The Day You Stop Thinking About Alignment, and It Becomes a Way of LifeMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is the second post in October’s Self-Respect theme.Week 1 - You Don’t Have to Love Yourself to Respect YourselfI always treat myself with love and kindness. It is one of my rules.Years ago, after the final of three abusive relationships ended, I made a commitment not to let anyone treat me badly again.That commitment had to include me.One of the difficult questions I needed to ask myself when I started rebuilding my confidence was this:If someone you loved were living the life you live and treating themselves the way you treat yourself, how would you feel for them?Would you want something better for them?I had been moving from one bad relationship to another for years. I felt used and ashamed. I realised this was about more than rebuilding my confidence; it was about rebuilding my life too.So, I started making small changes to my life, all based on love, kindness and gratitude.Every small decision came with the question,‘What would I do if I loved and respected myself?’Previously, I would check everything I thought and did against the question,‘Is this good enough?’One question asked me to prove my worth. The other assumed I already had it.Gradually, the hard edges I had built around me softened, and my heart opened again. By the time I met the man who would become my husband, I was beginning to understand that a loving relationship shouldn’t require me to abandon myself.How we abandon ourselvesAre you on the list of people you care about?Often, when asked, people readily list the people they care about but leave themselves off. We can be reluctant to care for ourselves, fearing others will think we are selfish.We tend to measure our worth by how much we do for others. Most people are naturally kind and compassionate, and that is great. But sometimes we take it too far, and it chips away at our self-worth.When we believe acceptance depends on behaving in the ‘right’ way, we start to act in ways we think will make us more likeable. This can lead to people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and forming unhealthy relationships.We form an unspoken agreement: ‘If you are comfortable with me, then I must be okay.’* We say yes when we mean no.* We stay quiet rather than risk a disagreement.* We change ourselves depending on who we are with.* We tolerate behaviour we know isn’t right.* We ignore our needs because someone else’s needs feel more important.We abandon our true selves and stay small so we will fit in. Then we think people will love and accept us. All that happens is that we lose respect for ourselves.We send ourselves the message, ‘I don’t matter.’We do matterWhen I didn’t respect myself, I found it much harder to recognise when other people weren’t respecting me.This was part of how I walked blindly into those abusive relationships. I was seeking love when I didn’t yet know how to protect my own worth.I was living in a vicious circle where I looked for love, didn’t get it, so I looked for love even harder.I realised the ways I had been abandoning myself. Staying in toxic relationships, drinking too much, and allowing people to treat me badly. But I also realised it happens in much smaller ways. Every time we silence ourselves, ignore our needs, make ourselves smaller, or become someone else to keep another person comfortable, we leave a little bit of ourselves behind.Self-respect is choosing to stop doing that.What I learned is that we don’t have to make people feel comfortable around us. We don’t have to be ‘acceptable’ or ‘fit in’.When you learn to be yourself, you can show up everywhere as that person. When you do, you notice people respect you. That doesn’t necessarily mean everyone likes you. The difference is that you like yourself. That becomes what matters most.You don’t need to show up as anyone other than yourself. No part of you needs to be hidden. It’s so refreshing to realise you have nothing to hide and nothing to prove to anyone, because you matter. That’s not selfish; it’s honest.We go deeper into these themes and how to master confidence and self-belief in our Confidence Circle. These are hour-long sessions held three times every month. It has been my pleasure to watch the members grow together and support each other. If you are interested in joining a warm and supportive group, get in touch. Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe