Cruel Jaws

It's Spook Retorts in November as Danielle shares the 1989 cult classic movie Curse II: The Bite. Meet Lisa and Good Hair, née Clark, two young lovers on a road trip through the Arizona desert. Good Hair foolishly ignores the warnings of a local gas station owner and takes a shortcut through Yellow Sands, a former nuclear testing site. They immediately encounter just all the snakes, so, so many snakes, like way more than is reasonable. Good Hair gets bitten and wisely decides to seek medical help—and injections!—from some random traveling salesman instead of literally anyone else. This goes about as well as you'd expect and boy, if you haven't seen this movie we are not going to spoil it for you in this description (we'll definitely spoil it in the episode, though). So get ready for Danielle's favorite horror movie of the year, or at least the most bonkers.

For our 200th episode we have a very special guest presentation of the 2026 Japanese animated film Chiikawa the Movie: The Secret of the Mermaid Island (映画ちいかわ 人魚の島のひみつ). Sam and Danielle have ceded control of the podcast to Filip and his partner Chan who regale them with the story of Chiikawa. Our hosts don't know what they signed up for as they are barraged by the strangest and most enthusiastic recounting of a movie ever, with perhaps even more impressive voice acting from Chan. Chiikawa is a cute little guy that lives in a kinda purgatory hellscape, Sam concludes, and works as an apprentice grass plucker with hopes of parlaying that into the job of an adventurer. One day, Chiikawa and his friends have an invitation to Mermaid Islands dropped on their faces by a bird (go with it), so they board a swan boat (just got with it), and set off to Mermaid Island in the company of the non-main-character faceless shadow people (seriously, go with it). Things happen, people are eaten, horrors and cuteness beyond imagining are unleashed, and Danielle and Sam are delighted and confused in equal measure. So join us as we celebrate 200 episodes by absolutely losing control! Special thanks to friends of the pod and honorary co-hosts Filip and Chan from Mind Duck Books for joining us! Find Mind Duck Books on Twitter @mindduckbooks, Instagram @mindduckbooks, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Sam kicks off Spook Retorts this year with the 1995 film Cruel Jaws. Have you seen the classic movie Jaws but thought "Man, this movie is too focused on the shark, it needs more extraneous plots"? Well, you're in luck! It's Jaws but also there's a family being evicted from their aquarium, a regatta that's not what you'd expect, mafia real-estate speculators, and a little girl who's definitely in league with the sharks. It doesn't help that this movie stole all its shark footage from the other Jaws movies, was originally released with the unauthorized title Jaws 5, and uses nothing but stock music that's also mostly ripoffs. As is tradition, Sam didn't look any of this up beforehand and is thus completely baffled the entire time. While the movie makes no sense, it does provide Danielle with a twist the makes her furious, and perhaps the single best line in any movie ever. Truly a spooktacular start to the season!

Danielle takes it back to her roots with the 1971 Nancy Drew novel The Crooked Banister by Carolyn Keene. Which is, much to Sam's annoyance, about both a staircase banister and a man named Banister. When Banister (the man) skips bail after being arrested for a series of scams, Nancy is on the case. Or Nancy's dad is. We're pretty certain he just leaves Nancy at Banister's Escherian-style horror house to keep her busy. Luckily, the house manages to do exactly that. Mostly because it has a murderous robot and, possibly unrelated, a serial killer room she seems deeply unconcerned about. Also, poisoned money. And a staircase that leads into a wall. And a tapestry of snakes. And a stolen Aztec bracelet. And, a moat of fire? Anyway, if you ever thought to yourself: "I love how Hyperion had so many plot points that went nowhere. I wish Nancy Drew was like that as well," — this one's for you.

Sam steps into Danielle territory with the 2003 Chinese vampire movie The Twins Effect (千機變). Are there twins? Sam certainly did no prior research and could not tell you. Sam, in fact, knows nothing about vampires he didn't learn from The Librarian. So this goes as well as you'd expect. The plot is up in the air, but it's supposedly about a vampire prince being hunted by a vampire duke in an effort to use the prince's blood to open a magic book that gives him sun-walking powers while said prince is falling in love with the human sister of a vampire hunter who is maybe also out to get him? Unclear where the vampire hunter really fits into this. Or, really, any of the side plots fit into it. In fact, the entire movie is a mystery. But, on the plus side, there's a pretty great cameo for no reason and an impressive commitment to bananas; so we'll take that.

Danielle finally (finally!) finishes her Korean drama saga with the rousing and super very exciting ending to I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). Were you wondering what our favorite serial killer, Joon Gook, was up to? You'd be the only one, because the police and characters certainly weren't. Anyway, surprise! He's back! And with plans just as unfathomable as ever. In fact, his entire motivation seems opaque, despite some intense internet searching from Danielle in the recesses of the 2013 kdrama forums. Psychic children government program still in the cards? Maybe! In any case, despite Sam's every objection, and there were a lot, we have somehow made it to end. And the end. And then the end again. It's basically just LOTR: Korean edition.

This week Sam brings the first episode of a brand new series Space: 1999 from 1975. Join us in the distant future of 1999 where Moonbase Alpha (on the Moon) is experiencing a strange disease affecting the astronauts there. It's definitely not radiation poisoning from all the atomic waste being constantly shipped there; no, it must it must be a virus from the planet Meta, only no one has been there yet. So maybe it's a virus that affects astronauts training for the mission to Meta? Look, Sam can't figure it out, and the show doesn't seem to care, all that matters is that people are going berserk and then dying from a mysterious illness. Luckily, Sam and Danielle have the man with all the answers there to help them figure it out. That's right, it's Filip! True to his reputation, he has answers about laser fences and the virus, and strong opinions about wooden chairs on spaceships. Meanwhile, things on the moon are getting worse as space lightning (???) erupts and a catastrophic event is about to unfold. This one super pays off, we promise. Special thanks to friend of the pod and honorary co-host Filip from Mind Duck Books for joining us! Find Mind Duck Books on Twitter @mindduckbooks, Instagram @mindduckbooks, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Danielle continues on in her k-drama saga with the (probably penultimate) episode of I Hear Your Voice (너의 목소리가 들려). If you’ve been wondering what hitman/murderer/avenger Joon Gook has been up to this whole time, boy will you be disappointed as he’s been writing letters at a desk in an alleyway, probably. However, if you are all-in on the Do Yeon being the daughter of Jail Guy plotline then this episode is for you. Jail Guy, who tried to murder his wife for realsies this time, is ready for his day in court. His defense team seems to be resting their case entirely on the jury ignoring the law, and the prosecution is, for once, in the right. Speaking of the prosecution, did we mention that Do Yeon is the prosecutor on the case? That would all be well and good if nobody knew she was Jail Guy’s daughter, but spoiler, they all do. There is unlikely to be any conflict of interest, being the evidence and being the lawyer, so it’ll probably be fine. Lawyer shenanigans abound as they traverse what is definitely not double jeopardy per Sam, and is definitely questionable ethics, per everyone outside of this fictional Korean justice system. Will Do Yeon ever recuse herself from the case (hahahahaha), will our plucky heroes, Hye Seong and Soo Ha, make it (Sam doesn’t care), and will Joon Gook ever leave his alley desk? Questions. We’ve got them.

Sam is desperate for a little cool down so he brings us the holidays in July with the 2021 Hallmark movie The Santa Stakeout. Tanya is a newly minted detective having recently moved to a suburb of Denver. She's facing the ghastly prospect of spending Christmas alone, but fortunately there has been a series of art heists that coincided with Christmas parties around town. Unfortunately, Tanya is put on the case with the person she hates most, Detective Anderson, and they're going to have to share a house while staking out the prime suspect: A Santa actor known only as Mr. Christmas. Somehow, Tanya turns this into an excuse to create a winter wonderland in the stakeout house, while both she and Anderson completely ignore or, at best, botch the case. Seriously, these two are such lousy detective that Tanya can't find a Christmas present at a holiday market, and Anderson loses track of the suspect because he's too busy baking gingerbread men. Things get worse when they immediately and unilaterally turn their stakeout into an undercover operation to infiltrate the most dangerous organization in the country: The Christmas Committee. Will our two terrible cops crack the case? More importantly from Hallmark's perspective, will they go from enemies to lovers? We don't think you need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that out.

For the summer holidays, Sam and Danielle are on a brief break, so we hope you'll enjoy this appropriately cold war themed rerun of Robot Jox! To kick-off the new year Sam brings the 1990 Stuart Gordon mech fighting film Robot Jox! Welcome to the distant future, post World War III, where war has been outlawed, somehow. Instead, the world has decided the more sensible way to settle international disputes is via single combat in mechs. While undoubtedly cool as heck, Sam has several issues with the concept on a practical level. The capitalist Market is locked in a perpetual battle with the communist Confederation. The latest battle is for control of Alaska, but when an errant rocket fist leads to the accidental death of hundreds of spectators (why are there spectators?!), Achilles, the hero of the Market, hangs up his robot gloves and retires. This makes room for the genetically engineered super soldiers to step-up to the fight, but there's only one problem: Achilles has the hots for one of them by the name of Athena. This leads to the most pressing question about this movie: Is it clever satire, or just another sexist 80's flick? We may not have an answer to that, but we do know this movie has kick-butt robot fights, so that's worth something for sure. So join us for some good ol' fashioned, Cold War 80's action!