376: [Soapbox] The lower desire partner feels like they can't win

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman shares a “soapbox” episode addressing a common belief among lower desire partners: “I can’t win; it’ll never be enough.” She explains this mindset becomes self-defeating when the goalposts are set by the higher desire partner’s satisfaction instead of treating intimacy as a shared playing field where both meet in the middle. Zimmerman outlines the lower desire partner’s role as being willing to engage in the topic, identify and address obstacles that create stress or block pleasure, and explore what could help them access desire, arousal, or enjoyable physical pleasure some of the time. She also notes the higher desire partner’s work includes adjusting expectations, broadening what counts as sex, focusing on pleasure and connection, clearly asking for what they want, and celebrating “no” when needed.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Topic Setup01:07 Why It Feels Hopeless02:21 Lower Desire Partner Work02:59 Accessing Desire and Pleasure03:43 Higher Desire Partner Work04:04 Reframing as Teamwork04:28 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Heather Howard, a sexuality counselor and financial coach, about the strong parallels between money and sex in couples’ relationships. Howard shares how pelvic pain shifted her from a finance career into sex counseling and later into financial coaching after repeatedly seeing money conflicts fueling distance, resentment, and desire problems. They discuss patterns like one partner becoming the “driver” while the other withdraws, how power imbalances show up in both sexual desire discrepancy and finances, and how financial control can undermine authentic consent. They explore the role of entrenched narratives and upbringing in shaping beliefs about sex and money, the impact of shame and secrecy including financial infidelity, and Howard’s solution-focused approach emphasizing safety, skills training, accountability, and aligning money behaviors with values. Howard explains how to contact her for online coaching via heatherhoward.com/meet.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Meet Heather Howard01:46 From Finance to Sex Therapy03:25 Why Money Enters the Bedroom05:10 Desire and Money Dynamics07:52 Power Imbalances and Entitlement09:46 Consent Needs Financial Safety11:55 Unpacking Sex and Money Stories14:40 Heather’s Coaching Approach18:32 Masterclass Break19:02 Sharing Financial Responsibility19:43 Fixing Money Patterns20:48 Money Anxiety and Skills22:07 Building Self Trust23:21 Financial Infidelity Secrets27:57 Drama Debt Cycles28:34 First Steps and Support32:51 Finding a Coach35:19 Closing and CreditsJessa's Webinar: https://www.intimacywithease.com/masterclassBio:Dr. Heather Howard is a sexuality counselor and financial coach who helps individuals and couples build healthier relationships with sex, money, or both. Using a nonjudgmental, education-based approach, she supports clients in clarifying values, developing practical skills, and creating systems that align daily behavior with what matters most. Heather works with clients to reduce shame, strengthen communication around traditionally taboo topics, and build shared understanding and decision-making that fosters emotional connection and long-term sexual and financial well-being.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In a soapbox episode, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman responds to an email from a listener whose wife says she isn’t interested in fixing their sex life and accuses him of only caring about sex. Jessa explains there can still be hope and outlines three areas to explore: the overall relationship (conflict, lack of emotional connection, feeling like roommates), the couple’s entrenched desire-difference dynamics (pressure, focusing on frequency, treating the lower-desire partner as the problem, goal-oriented sex that creates obligation), and individual factors affecting the lower-desire partner (stress, exhaustion, mental health, parenting demands). She encourages higher-desire partners to build connection, show compassion for the guilt and shame lower-desire partners often feel, reduce pressure, and invite conversations about what’s in the way so intimacy can become fulfilling for both. 00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Setup01:01 The Unsubscribe Email02:37 Three Hopeful Angles02:39 Rebuild Connection First03:50 Desire Difference Traps04:54 Compassion Over Pressure08:00 Life Stress Blocks Desire08:54 Closing Hope and Next Steps09:43 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jess Zimmerman interviews biohacker and author Jay Campbell about hormone optimization and metabolic health as foundations for wellbeing, longevity, libido, and sexual function. Campbell shares how discovering very low testosterone after a sports injury led him into researching therapeutic hormones, peptides, and lifestyle interventions, eventually writing bestselling books and a new book on GLP-1 peptides and proper microdosing with supportive lifestyle changes. They discuss endocrine disruption, common hormone deficiencies, and key labs and hormones to assess—especially free testosterone, estradiol, and progesterone—emphasizing women being underserved in testosterone therapy after the WHI. Campbell outlines symptoms like fatigue, low dopamine/brain fog, belly fat, and insulin resistance, and recommends insulin-controlled eating, resistance and cardio training, stress reduction through daily mind-stilling practices, and consistent routines to improve health and sexual wellbeing.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Meet Jay Campbell01:48 Testosterone Wake Up Call03:26 Biohacking To Author05:43 Endocrine Disruptors07:53 Metabolic Health Link08:33 Key Hormones Explained10:28 Women And HRT Myths16:02 Microdosing GLP One17:08 Midroll And Coaching17:37 Symptoms And Sex Signs19:29 Therapeutic Hormone Jumpstart20:39 Libido and Sexual Function23:14 Biohacker vs Clinical Goals23:45 Diet and Insulin Control25:37 Training for Longevity28:23 Blue Zones and Leanness29:04 Incline Walking for Fat Loss30:24 Stress and Stilling Mind34:39 Where to Find Jay35:52 Podcast Wrap UpWant to work with Jessa? Visit https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Jay Campbell is a 5x international bestselling author, globally recognized authority on hormone optimization, metabolic health, and longevity. He’s passionate about educating individuals on how to optimize their hormones and metabolism for long-term vitality, energy, and performance. Jay’s work helps people break free from conventional “sick-care” systems and embrace health strategies that promote longevity, peak performance, and overall well-being. He is widely recognized for his cutting-edge insights into peptides, metabolic repair, and sustainable aging.jaycampbell.com/free-infobiolongevitylabs.com JAYC codeWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman shares a soapbox episode on three common apology mistakes that prevent real relationship repair. First, apologizing too quickly can skip the empathy your partner needs to feel understood, so she encourages “climbing into their movie” before taking accountability. Second, phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry that happened to you” misuse “I’m sorry,” which she reserves for responsibility and remorse, and can sound judgmental; she suggests using clearer empathic language instead. Third, adding “but” after an apology turns it into an explanation or excuse that undermines repair, so an apology should fully own the specific behavior and its impact. 00:00 Show Intro00:46 Soapbox Setup01:22 Mistake One Too Fast02:51 Mistake Two Misusing Sorry04:31 Mistake Three Sorry But05:25 Wrap Up Take Ownership05:51 Outro And CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Darshana Avila (featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & Goop) about “erotic wholeness,” defined as integrating all parts of ourselves and relating to eroticism as life-force vitality that can fuel sexuality, creativity, and relationships. They explore how people-pleasing functions as a protective strategy—suppressing authenticity to maintain connection—and how it undermines both pleasure and intimacy. In long-term relationships, this often appears as partners (often women in heterosexual dynamics) not knowing what they like, feeling shame about needs such as taking longer to warm up, or fearing rejection for expressing desires. They discuss sexual scripts, shame, disappointment tolerance, consent (including Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), and practical steps: identify people-pleasing, work with fear/scarcity, clarify authentic desires and boundaries, and build communication skills with professional and relational support.00:00 Show Introduction00:49 Meet Darshana Avila01:51 Her Path to This Work03:26 Erotic Wholeness Defined06:18 Choiceful Self Leadership07:32 People Pleasing Explained09:08 How It Shows Up in Sex12:41 Owning Desire Without Shame15:16 Rewriting the Sex Script18:19 Mid Episode Quiz Break18:47 Mutuality Helps Both Partners19:38 Mutual Desire Basics20:24 People Pleasing Blocks Intimacy21:26 Building Disappointment Tolerance22:18 Shame Spirals and Meaning23:03 Dont Yuck the Yum23:38 Golden Shower Lesson24:42 Responding with Gratitude25:19 Finding the Venn Overlap27:19 Consent and the No28:36 No as a Pivot29:36 First Steps to Change33:08 Vulnerability as Litmus Test35:47 Support and Where to Find Her36:55 Podcast Wrap UpMy quizzes can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Darshana Avila is a trauma-informed somatic educator, practitioner and international speaker who helps people reconnect with the most essential aspects of themselves — their truth, their desires, and their capacity for profound pleasure and power. Known for her grounded, candid, and relational approach, she bridges the worlds of embodiment, emotional intelligence, and personal agency with depth and accessibility.Darshana’s work has been featured on Netflix’s Sex, Love & goop, The Guardian, The New Yorker, and numerous leading podcasts.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of The Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman discusses the power of staying positive by questioning the stories and interpretations our brains create. She explains how people often react to filtered, meaning-filled perceptions rather than reality, then reinforce negative narratives—especially in relationships—by focusing on blame, hopelessness, and how stuck things feel. Jess argues this mindset is inaccurate, disempowering, and self-sabotaging because it shapes how we show up with our partners and invites defensiveness, conflict, or withdrawal. She encourages listeners to develop skepticism about their interpretations, broaden perspective, and choose thoughts and emotions that feel better and create more possibility. By focusing on what’s on “your side of the court,” including how you feel, think, and act, you can change the relational dynamic and move toward the connection you want.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Soapbox Episode Setup01:55 Why Stories Trap Us03:35 The Cost of Negative Narratives05:19 Challenge Your Interpretation07:18 Control Your Side07:42 Invitation to Shift Mindset08:12 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Mandy Salley of the Woodhull Foundation about sexual freedom as a human right rooted in bodily autonomy and the ability to say yes or no. Mandy shares how peer sex education in college, graduate training in social work and human sexuality, and years volunteering with Woodhull led to her advocacy work blending sexuality, policy, and activism. They discuss how shame-based sex education limits curiosity and knowledge, and how free speech and online censorship affect sexual health information. Mandy outlines Woodhull’s current policy work, including opposing a proposed South Carolina abortion ban, Colorado’s trans bathroom ban, and state age-verification laws that threaten privacy and data security. She also notes concerns about intersex medical interventions and gender-affirming care bans. The episode ends with practical ways to get involved locally and how to find Woodhull’s resources.00:00 Show Intro00:56 Meet Mandy Sally01:52 Her Path to Woodhull06:17 Sex Ed Gaps and Shame09:50 Defining Sexual Freedom11:06 Censorship and Algo Speak13:12 Quick Quiz Break13:39 US vs Global Perspectives17:02 Woodhull Policy Priorities18:20 Age Verification and Privacy22:46 Intersex and Care Bans23:51 How to Get Involved26:42 Find Woodhull Resources28:55 Closing and CreditsTake my quizzes at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Mandy Salley brings her passion for social justice and love for humanity to the Woodhull Freedom Foundation as its Chief Operations Officer (COO). Since 2014 when she first served as a volunteer coordinator, Mandy plays an integral role at Woodhull, now managing its day-to-day operations and community efforts – from its Human Rights Commissions to the monthly Censorship of Sexual Freedom Series. Mandy is also a licensed Social Worker and has experience in inpatient hospitals, geriatric day programs, and rape crises. She is based in Brooklyn, NY.www.woodhullfoundation.orgWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains why some couples may benefit from a couples intensive instead of weekly or biweekly therapy. She describes limits of short, spaced-out sessions—often spent catching up or addressing the latest conflict—and how real emotional breakthroughs can require uninterrupted time for nervous systems to settle, vulnerability to emerge, and old patterns to loosen. Jessa outlines how intensives provide extended, immersive hours that allow couples to stay in the process long enough to repair ruptures and gain a clearer “balcony view” of their dynamics while practicing new behaviors with in-the-moment support. She also discusses the potential for ethically guided altered-state work—specifically mentioning MDMA and psilocybin training—to reduce fear-based defenses, increase empathy, and enable difficult conversations without typical shutdown or blame. Jessa shares who might consider an intensive (repeating conflicts, unresolved rupture, separation decisions, or a desire for deeper connection) and who should not (abuse, an unwilling partner, or severe mental health issues). She emphasizes intensives are a significant investment of time, money, and energy—often 6–10 hours—but can be transformative when regular therapy hasn’t created enough traction.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Why Consider Intensives01:07 Limits of Weekly Therapy02:22 How Intensives Work03:24 Breaking Old Patterns04:23 Insight Into Action05:05 Altered State Options05:50 MDMA and Psilocybin06:21 What Changes in Session07:32 Who Should Consider It08:01 When Not Recommended08:44 Cost and Commitment09:13 Wrap Up and CreditsWant to learn more? Visit https://www.heartweaveforcouples.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

Jessa Zimmerman interviews Jillian Wisborg, founder of Booby Grow, about a natural breast growth and firming program combining herbal supplementation, breast/nipple massage, and nutrition changes. Jillian shares that she created the program after losing weight and losing breast volume, and wanted an alternative to implants due to cost, maintenance, and reported health issues. She explains her background studying herbal medicine, how she researched plant compounds and breast health, and how her formulation evolved through trials into a lifestyle-based approach when some participants needed adequate calories and fat intake for results. The conversation covers what breasts are made of, the role of healthy fats, circulation, and estrogen receptors, and why the program emphasizes daily massage and specific herbs. They discuss broader effects some users report (without official claims), cautions around pregnancy and cancer, and an explanation of different estrogen sources including xenoestrogens and phytoestrogens. 00:00 Welcome to the Better Sex Podcast (Show Intro)00:44 Meet Jillian Wisborg & Booby Grow: Natural Breast Firming/Growth Overview01:34 Jillian’s Origin Story: Weight Loss, Losing Breast Volume & Avoiding Implants05:57 From Herbal Medicine to a Formula: Researching Plant Compounds & Early Trials10:10 Breast Biology 101: Fat, Circulation, Massage & Estrogen Receptors12:55 Beyond Breast Size: Other Reported Benefits + Who Shouldn’t Use It14:44 Safety Talk: Estrogen, Xenoestrogens vs Phytoestrogens & Cancer Concerns19:16 Is This for the Male Gaze? Choice, Body Autonomy & Postpartum Clients21:46 Dragons’ Den/Shark Tank Experience: Pitching Booby Grow & Calls for Studies25:31 How the Program Works: 4-Month Plan, Guarantee, Results & Maintenance28:25 Where to Find Jillian + Final Wrap-UpInterested in resources to bridge desire discrepancy? Go to https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: I’m Jillian Wisborg — a Herbalist, Registered Nutritionist, and Clinical Iridoloist who’s been rooted in the holistic health world since 2009.Jillian had her company Boobygrow recently featured on the show Dragon’s Den & is taking the world by storm to enrich the masses on education of herbalism for vitality. Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass