Why Telling Children to Calm Down Doesn't Work | Part 1

Why can one child cope with a difficult situation while another becomes completely overwhelmed? And why does telling a distressed child to “calm down” so rarely help? In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Victoria Willis, Teaching Assistant, wellbeing practitioner and founder of The Calm Coach, about nervous-system regulation, emotional wellbeing and understanding what is happening underneath children’s behaviour. Victoria explains the window of tolerance, why regulation is something we build before a crisis rather than during one, and what happens to a child’s ability to think and listen when they move into fight, flight or shutdown. Andy and Victoria also explore co-regulation, crying, meltdowns and why the emotional state of parents, teachers and caregivers matters just as much as the strategies we use with children. For parents, teachers, foster carers and anyone supporting children with big emotions, this episode offers a practical shift from “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What does this child’s nervous system need from me right now?” Three Key Messages 1. Regulation is a skill, not an instruction. Telling someone to calm down does not teach them how. Emotional regulation develops through repeated experiences of safety, connection and practice. 2. Connection comes before correction. When a child is overwhelmed, their ability to process reasoning and instructions is reduced. Helping them feel safe comes before trying to teach or redirect behaviour. 3. The adult’s nervous system matters too. Children often borrow calm from the adults around them. A dysregulated adult trying to regulate a dysregulated child can unintentionally escalate the situation. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Support children who experience meltdowns or shutdowns Regularly find yourself saying “calm down” Want to understand the window of tolerance Work with children affected by anxiety, stress or trauma Support children who appear defiant when overwhelmed Want practical alternatives to punishment or confrontation Are a teacher who feels emotionally stretched in the classroom Are a parent or caregiver trying to stay calm while your child is struggling This conversation is especially useful if you have ever wondered: “They know how to behave - so why can’t they do it right now?” Sometimes the answer is not unwillingness. It is that their nervous system has temporarily moved beyond their capacity to cope. Chapters 00:00 - What does nervous-system regulation actually mean? Why regulation is something we practise before a crisis. 01:44 - Understanding the window of tolerance Why different people have different capacities for stress. 03:33 - Why the same situation overwhelms one child but not another 05:22 - Why telling a child to “calm down” doesn’t work Fight, flight and why reasoning can temporarily go offline. 06:00 - Connect before you redirect Using presence and safety without abandoning boundaries. 08:50 - Why Victoria believes nervous-system education is missing from schools 10:20 - Why adults need regulation skills too Children are not the only people who become overwhelmed. 12:00 - Anxiety, stress and children’s emotional wellbeing 14:05 - Has childhood become more stressful? Modern life, screens, reduced freedom and overwhelmed adults. 16:16 - Movement, screens and processing stress 18:44 - What happens inside the body during a meltdown? Cortisol, adrenaline and the fight-or-flight response. 19:54 - Why we shouldn’t rush to stop children crying 20:28 - When a child’s distress makes the adult uncomfortable Why we sometimes try to remove emotions rather than helping children experience them safely. 22:09 - Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions 23:10 - Tantrum, meltdown or defiance? Why curiosity and connection still matter whichever label we use. 24:47 - What if the adult is becoming dysregulated too? Stepping away safely, narrating what you are doing and modelling regulation. 25:47 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned The Calm Coach The Calm Coach provides nervous-system education and emotional-regulation programmes for children, school staff, parents and carers. Website: https://www.calm-coach.com Victoria’s school programmes are designed to be accessible to UK schools free of charge and include practical, experiential regulation tools that can be incorporated into the school day. Parents and Carers Programme The Calm Coach also provides a programme for parents and caregivers who want to better understand their own nervous systems and support children experiencing anxiety, overwhelm and emotional dysregulation. Follow Victoria Willis LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/the-calm-coach/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_thecalmcoach/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thecalmcoach_ Email: [email protected] About Victoria Willis Victoria Willis is a Teaching Assistant, wellbeing practitioner, mum of two teenagers and founder of The Calm Coach. She has spent nearly a decade working in education alongside running her own wellbeing practice. Her interest in nervous-system regulation grew from seeing similar patterns of stress, overwhelm and emotional dysregulation in both children and adults. Victoria is trained in Craniosacral Therapy, Reflexology and Yoga Nidra and combines body-based approaches with psychology, education and practical emotional-regulation strategies. Her goal is to make nervous-system education something children learn and practise while growing up, rather than something they only discover later when they are already struggling. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring co-regulation, practical one-minute regulation tools, supporting neurodivergent children, why adults need to model the skills they want children to develop and what to do when you lose your calm.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Dr Kellyn Lee, the discussion moves from everyday objects into a much bigger question: what does good dementia care actually look like? Kellyn challenges the belief that carers must constantly look busy, explaining why simply sitting with someone, listening and being genuinely present can be some of the most valuable work a caregiver does. Andy and Kellyn then explore risk aversion in care homes, including everyday possessions such as hairdryers, creams, toiletries and curling tongs. They discuss how removing objects to prevent one possible risk can unintentionally create greater distress, dependence and restrictions. The conversation connects Material Citizenship with the Mental Capacity Act, human rights, least restrictive practice and positive risk-taking, showing how seemingly small decisions can have profound effects on dignity and wellbeing. For professional carers, managers, family caregivers and anyone supporting someone living with dementia, this episode offers a practical challenge: rather than asking only “How do we keep this person safe?”, should we also be asking “What are we preventing them from living?” Three Key Messages 1. Presence is work. Listening, sitting alongside someone and making them feel seen and heard can be some of the most important dementia care you provide. 2. Removing every possible risk creates risks of its own. Over-protection can reduce independence, identity, confidence, movement and emotional wellbeing. 3. Human rights become meaningful through everyday practice. Allowing someone access to their belongings, routines and choices can be a practical expression of dignity, citizenship and least restrictive care. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Work in a care home or dementia service Are responsible for risk assessments or restrictive practice Want to understand positive risk-taking Find it difficult to balance safety against independence Support someone whose belongings have been removed “for their own safety” Want to apply the Mental Capacity Act more meaningfully Manage or train care staff Want practical ways to make human rights relevant to everyday dementia care Believe carers should have more permission to simply connect with the people they support This episode challenges the idea that good care can be measured purely by how many tasks have been completed. Sometimes the most valuable outcome is simply that someone feels like they matter. Chapters 00:00 - Being present is real care Why sitting with someone and having a conversation can be valuable work. 00:31 - People living with dementia still need to feel seen and heard 01:20 - Why care work became so task-focused The pressure to always appear busy. 03:03 - When a walk around the lake is treated as “not working” How organisational culture can discourage connection. 04:42 - What happens when carers are given time to listen The small things people reveal when someone is genuinely present. 06:28 - Why are care homes so risk-averse? Fear, blame and responsibility. 09:05 - Changing practice through Material Citizenship Why experiential learning can shift staff attitudes. 09:46 - Moving beyond tick-box e-learning Training as reflection, conversation and personal growth. 11:17 - Blanket restrictions and unintended consequences When one incident leads to everyone losing access to everyday items. 12:31 - Using evidence to support positive risk-taking Why staff need a framework and language to justify good decisions. 15:30 - Material Citizenship and human rights Making abstract rights practical through everyday objects. 17:48 - Restrictive practice and the urge to leave Why wanting to leave an unfamiliar environment can be completely understandable. 18:40 - The Mental Capacity Act in everyday practice Choice, possessions and least restrictive support. 21:20 - Toiletries, hair products and unnecessary restrictions When attempts to reduce risk actually create more danger. 23:05 - What families can do this week Pay attention to the small, mundane things. 24:46 - The Material Citizenship animations for families and care homes 26:21 - How well do we really know the people we love? Why families may be surprised by which possessions matter most. 27:45 - Where to find Kellyn’s resources 28:11 - Material Citizenship training and accreditation Resources Mentioned Dr Kellyn Lee Website: https://www.drkellyn.co.uk/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-kellyn-lee-ph-d-cpsychol-52668846/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkellyn_dementia/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_kellyn?lang=en-GB Material Citizenship Kellyn’s evidence-based approach helps care organisations examine how everyday possessions, routines and environments influence: Emotional wellbeing Identity Independence Psychological safety Positive risk-taking Human rights Least restrictive care Material Citizenship Training and Accreditation Kellyn discusses the development of the next stage of Material Citizenship, combining training with implementation support, ongoing coaching and accreditation for care organisations embedding the model into everyday practice. Ask Dr Kellyn Dementia Videos Kellyn recommends two short animations explaining the importance of everyday objects when someone moves into care. Search YouTube for Ask Dr Kellyn dementia videos. Anticipatory Grief Webinar Kellyn also has an upcoming webinar exploring anticipatory grief for those affected by dementia. Check her website and social channels for current dates and registration details. A Simple Question for Families If someone you love may eventually move into care, spend some time noticing: What are they doing - and what are they doing it with? It might be: A particular mug Keys carried in a pocket A favourite moisturiser Their own cutlery Curling tongs or hairbrush A shoehorn A specific water bottle A handkerchief kept up a sleeve As Kellyn explains, pay attention to the stuff that does not seem to matter - because that can be the stuff that matters most. About Dr Kellyn Lee Dr Kellyn Lee is a Chartered Psychologist, Psychotherapeutic Therapist and dementia-care specialist. She is the creator of Material Citizenship and founder of The Dementia Care Hub, bringing together research and practical dementia-care approaches to support people living with dementia, families and professional caregivers. Her work focuses particularly on identity, emotional wellbeing, transitions into care, positive risk-taking and ensuring dementia care adapts around the person rather than unnecessarily restricting their life. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this conversation makes you think differently about everyday objects, risk or what “good care” looks like, share it with a family caregiver, care-home manager or colleague who could put these ideas into practice.

What if one of the most powerful tools in dementia care is something as ordinary as a favourite mug, a set of keys or the ability to wash up your own cup? In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Chartered Psychologist and dementia specialist Dr Kellyn Lee about Material Citizenship - an evidence-based approach that looks at how everyday objects, routines and possessions help people living with dementia maintain identity, dignity, agency and a sense of belonging. Kellyn explains why families and care professionals can unintentionally remove meaningful parts of someone’s life when trying to help, and why the things we dismiss as mundane may actually be some of the most important. The conversation explores moving into a care home, psychological safety, meaningful activity, over-stimulation and why people living with dementia do not need to be constantly entertained. For professional caregivers, family carers and anyone supporting someone living with dementia, this episode offers a practical way to think differently about person-centred dementia care, meaningful activity and maintaining independence. Three Key Messages 1. Pay attention to the ordinary things. The mug someone uses every morning, their hair products, keys or favourite utensils may be far more important to their sense of self than we realise. 2. Behaviour can be a reasonable response to the environment. If someone is searching other bedrooms for their belongings, perhaps the question is not “What symptom of dementia is this?” but “What are they trying to find?” 3. Meaning does not require entertainment. Washing a cup, helping with cleaning, raking leaves or completing familiar everyday tasks can provide purpose, competence and emotional wellbeing. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Support someone moving into a care home Work in dementia or residential care Want to make dementia care more genuinely person-centred Struggle to know which possessions matter when someone moves Want alternatives to constantly organising activities and entertainment Support someone experiencing distress in an unfamiliar environment Want to maintain independence, routine and identity for longer Are a family caregiver wondering how to make a care environment feel more like home One of the biggest takeaways is simple: do not only ask what someone treasures - notice what they actually use. Chapters 00:00 - What is Material Citizenship? Kellyn explains the concept through everyday objects and routines. 00:34 - Why your favourite mug matters more than you think How ordinary possessions help our lives run smoothly. 04:30 - When removing an object creates greater risk The potential chain from not using a familiar cup to dehydration, illness and distress. 06:41 - Where Material Citizenship came from Kellyn’s research into risk enablement and dementia care. 08:55 - The flask of tea that changed a relationship How one simple object enabled a mother to become the host again. 13:40 - Dementia is cognitive, but the experience is emotional Why familiar routines and possessions support psychological safety. 16:11 - Is it dementia, or a reasonable response? Rethinking behaviours such as searching other rooms for belongings. 18:28 - What should families pack for a care-home move? Why observing everyday routines can reveal what really matters. 21:09 - “You don’t need that - we already have one” How care environments can unintentionally remove identity and choice. 24:48 - Do people with dementia need constant activities? Why entertainment can sometimes increase stimulation rather than wellbeing. 27:25 - Meaningful work, chores and purpose Cleaning, ironing, maintenance and other everyday activities. 30:43 - The invisible boundaries inside care homes How well-meaning staff can unintentionally stop independence. 33:09 - Why caring has become associated with being busy 34:36 - Sitting with someone is still care 35:34 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned Dr Kellyn Lee Kellyn is a Chartered Psychologist and Psychotherapeutic Therapist specialising in dementia care for people living with dementia, family carers and professional caregivers. Website: https://www.drkellyn.co.uk/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-kellyn-lee-ph-d-cpsychol-52668846/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkellyn_dementia/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_kellyn?lang=en-GB Material Citizenship Material Citizenship is Kellyn’s evidence-based framework for supporting people living with dementia to retain: Identity Agency Dignity Familiar routines Meaningful roles Access to everyday possessions The approach is used within care homes, day services and dementia support. Ask Dr Kellyn Dementia Videos Kellyn mentions two short YouTube animations explaining Material Citizenship - one aimed at families and one focused on care homes. Search YouTube for Ask Dr Kellyn dementia videos. Upcoming Material Citizenship Book Kellyn is also writing a book exploring Material Citizenship and its development through her research and dementia-care practice. About Dr Kellyn Lee Dr Kellyn Lee is a Chartered Psychologist and Psychotherapeutic Therapist with more than 15 years’ experience in dementia research and applied practice. She has worked with institutions including the University of Southampton, London School of Economics, University of Oxford and University of Portsmouth. Kellyn created Material Citizenship and is founder of The Dementia Care Hub, a whole-system approach designed to improve transitions into care, reduce distress, strengthen family relationships and support connected, person-centred dementia care. She also delivers training, consultancy and education to organisations and families supporting people living with dementia. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring why presence is real care, how risk aversion can restrict people unnecessarily and how everyday objects can turn human rights into practical dementia care.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Jayne Sibley, the discussion moves from recognising financial vulnerability to practical ways families can respond. Jayne explains how Sibstar was created to solve the problem she faced while supporting her own parents - how to allow someone to continue shopping, visiting the hairdresser, buying a coffee or choosing their own Christmas presents without exposing their full bank balance to fraud, overspending or exploitation. The conversation explores practical safeguards such as spending limits, restricting cash withdrawals or online purchases, real-time notifications and monitoring unusual spending. Andy and Jayne also discuss the wider need for financial services to better support adults who may be vulnerable while still recognising their right to independence. Jayne also shares her experience of taking Sibstar onto BBC’s Dragons’ Den, where the business secured investment from Deborah Meaden and Sara Davies. Three key messages 1. Financial independence and financial safety can coexist. Someone may still be perfectly capable of making everyday purchases even if they need support around higher-risk financial decisions. 2. Prevention is better than trying to recover lost money. Simple safeguards can reduce risk before fraud or overspending creates serious harm. 3. Take one step at a time. Families do not need to solve everything immediately. Recognising the risk and starting a conversation may be the most important first step. Why listen to this episode? Listen if you: Want to protect someone from scams without taking away independence Support someone with dementia, learning disability or mental health needs Are concerned about impulse spending Support someone in recovery from addiction Are worried about an adult child managing money independently Want alternatives before completely taking control of someone’s finances Are considering Lasting Power of Attorney Want practical financial safeguarding ideas for a loved one This episode offers a more balanced way of thinking about financial support - not “Can they manage money or not?”, but “What can they still manage safely, and where do they need support?” Chapters 00:00 - What problem was Sibstar designed to solve? 00:16 - Creating safer everyday spending Allowing someone to spend without exposing their main bank account. 02:31 - Spending limits, cash withdrawals and online purchases 03:17 - Keeping normal routines and independence Shopping, coffee, haircuts and everyday choices. 05:08 - Designing Sibstar with the people who use it 06:45 - How spending notifications can help families 08:16 - Preventing financial harm before it happens 08:44 - Financial vulnerability beyond dementia Learning disability, mental health and addiction recovery. 10:44 - Normalising financial support 11:39 - What banks and financial services could do better 14:06 - What happens when children’s banking support ends at 18? 15:48 - Why Jayne believed the solution needed to exist 16:24 - Taking Sibstar onto Dragons’ Den 18:49 - Deborah Meaden and Sara Davies invest 20:24 - The impact of serious financial fraud 22:10 - What families can do this week 24:13 - “If I bring up money, I’ll upset them” 26:07 - Lasting Power of Attorney and other options 29:38 - What’s next for Sibstar? 30:46 - How to find Sibstar and get support Resources mentioned Sibstar A debit card and app that enables vulnerable adults to spend safely while helping protect against fraud and overspending. Website: https://www.sibstar.co.uk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sibstar_card/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jayne-sibley-24ab1444/ Email: [email protected] Jayne and Sibstar have featured on BBC’s Dragons’ Den, and Jayne’s onboarding information also highlights media work around financial inclusion and dementia.  About Jayne Sibley Jayne Sibley is the Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar, a female founder in fintech and a family carer with lived experience. Her work centres on one question many families eventually face: How do I keep someone financially safe without unnecessarily taking away their independence? Her experience began with dementia, but her work now supports the broader conversation around financial vulnerability for people with learning disabilities, mental health conditions and those in recovery from addiction.  Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this episode makes you think of someone who may be becoming financially vulnerable, share it with them or their family before a crisis forces the conversation.

Money can become one of the most difficult areas for families to navigate when someone they love becomes more vulnerable. In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Jayne Sibley, Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar, about the early signs that someone may be struggling to manage money safely, including repeated purchases, unusual cash withdrawals, overspending and increased vulnerability to scams. Drawing on her lived experience supporting both of her parents with dementia, Jayne explores how families can start difficult conversations about money without creating shame, embarrassment or a sense of being controlled. Andy and Jayne also discuss the difficult balance between financial safeguarding, dignity, choice and independence. Although Jayne’s own journey began with dementia, the same challenges can affect families supporting someone with a learning disability, mental health condition or someone in recovery from addiction.  Three key messages 1. Notice changes early. Repeated purchases, unusual withdrawals or changes in normal spending habits may be early signs that someone needs additional support. 2. Talk before there is a crisis. A calm conversation about scams and financial safety is much easier than trying to intervene after money has already been lost. 3. Safeguarding should not automatically mean taking over. The aim should be to keep someone safe while preserving as much independence, choice and dignity as possible. Why listen to this episode? This episode is particularly useful if you: Support someone living with dementia Are worried about an ageing parent’s spending Have noticed unusual purchases or cash withdrawals Are concerned about scams or financial exploitation Support an adult with a learning disability or mental health condition Find conversations about money uncomfortable Want to understand when it may be time to step in For family caregivers especially, this episode tackles the uncomfortable transition where you may begin to feel responsible for protecting someone who has always been independent. Chapters 00:00 - Early signs that money may be becoming a problem Repeat purchases, unusual withdrawals and changes in understanding money. 01:58 - How dementia can affect everyday financial decisions Memory, impulsivity and spending without recognising the consequences. 03:36 - How to talk to a parent about money Starting with support rather than accusation. 05:17 - Choosing the right moment Why calm conversations work better than reacting after something has gone wrong. 06:17 - Why you shouldn’t wait for a crisis Starting the conversation sooner rather than later. 07:20 - Jayne’s experience supporting her parents The real-life challenges that led to Sibstar. 09:21 - Independence versus safeguarding How do we protect someone without simply taking control? 12:56 - Scams and financial vulnerability Why modern fraud is becoming increasingly sophisticated. 13:49 - Financial vulnerability beyond dementia Learning disability, mental health and addiction recovery. 15:31 - Romance fraud, investment scams and exploitation 17:08 - The emotional impact of being scammed Embarrassment, shame and loss of confidence. 19:08 - When is it time to step in? 20:40 - The question that guided Jayne: “Is my mum safe?” 21:11 - End of Part 1 Resources mentioned Sibstar Sibstar is a debit card and app designed to help vulnerable adults spend safely while protecting against fraud and overspending. Website: https://www.sibstar.co.uk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sibstar_card/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jayne-sibley-24ab1444/ Jayne has also appeared on Dragons’ Den and has featured in media discussing financial inclusion and dementia.  About Jayne Sibley Jayne Sibley is the Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar and a family carer with lived experience. She created Sibstar after years of helping both of her parents, who live with dementia, manage their money. Unable to find a simple way to keep them financially safe while protecting their independence, Jayne decided to build one herself. Today, she advocates for protecting vulnerable adults without unnecessarily removing their independence and for widening the conversation about financial vulnerability beyond dementia.  Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, looking at practical ways to create safer spending, how Sibstar works and what families can do before financial vulnerability becomes a crisis.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Rebekah Pierre, the discussion moves from how professionals write about children to how care-experienced people can have greater ownership over their own stories. Rebekah explores what genuinely respectful care records could look like, including transparency, the right to reply and recording the ordinary, joyful moments of childhood rather than creating a permanent “lowlight reel”. The conversation also explores Rebekah’s acclaimed anthology Free Loaves on Fridays, which brings together the voices of 100 care-experienced children and adults. Rebekah explains why meaningful participation must go much further than inviting someone with lived experience to deliver an emotional keynote and then sending them home. For social workers, foster carers, residential childcare professionals, teachers, managers and anyone commissioning lived-experience work, this episode provides practical challenges around voice, consent, power, tokenism and psychological safety. In This Episode Andy and Rebekah explore: What respectful and understandable care records should look like Why care-experienced people need to know they can access their records Writing with children instead of only writing about them Voice notes, videos and different ways children could contribute The importance of a right to reply Whether children should be able to challenge or contextualise historic records Why records should capture ordinary and positive childhood moments How Free Loaves on Fridays came about Why the anthology had a no-rejection policy Giving people control over their own stories What the title Free Loaves on Fridays really means Tokenistic versus meaningful lived-experience participation Why participation needs support before, during and after an event Trauma mining and the risks of asking people to repeatedly tell painful stories Psychological safety, power imbalance and consent Three questions every professional could ask before saving a record Three Key Messages 1. Children should be written with, not simply written about. Transparency, opportunities to contribute and a meaningful right to reply can help restore some ownership over a story that otherwise belongs entirely to professionals. 2. Childhood records need ordinary moments too. First football goals, sleepovers, certificates, jokes and everyday achievements may appear insignificant to a professional, but they can become precious pieces of personal history later in life. 3. Lived experience participation must involve power, not just presence. Inviting someone to tell a difficult story is not genuine co-production if they cannot shape the agenda, set boundaries, control how their story is stored or see what changed afterwards. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Want children to have a stronger voice in their own records Commission speakers or consultants with lived experience Work in children’s services, fostering or residential care Want to understand the difference between participation and tokenism Are designing conferences, training or consultation involving care-experienced people Want to create greater psychological safety Work with children who worry about what adults are recording about them Want services to move from “nothing about us without us” towards genuine shared power The episode asks an important question: if someone gives you part of their story, what responsibility do you have for how you hold, use and act upon it? Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - What should professionals think about when writing care records? Writing for the child as well as managers, inspectors and services. 00:22 - Centre the child, not the inspection Why the future reader matters more than we often realise. 02:33 - Children know they are being written about The anxiety of living with an ongoing professional record. 04:07 - Writing with children instead of about them Voice notes, video, written contributions and increasing transparency. 05:20 - The right to reply Why care-experienced people should be able to challenge or add context to their records. 07:25 - Recording the ordinary moments of childhood Football goals, sleepovers, photographs and the things families usually preserve naturally. 09:54 - Free Loaves on Fridays How Rebekah created an anthology centred on care-experienced voices. 10:22 - Why the book had a no-rejection policy Creating space for seasoned writers and first-time contributors alike. 12:39 - The response to the book Why giving 100 people the pen in their own story mattered. 14:08 - Meaningful participation versus tokenism Why lived experience should not be parachuted into an organisation for inspiration and then forgotten. 16:26 - Why is it called Free Loaves on Fridays? Bread, poverty, choice and reclaiming control over how your story is told. 20:27 - Psychological safety for lived-experience contributors Power imbalance, allies, consent, boundaries and the right to leave. 22:18 - If Rebekah could change care records tomorrow Building reflection into the recording process. 23:08 - Is it kind, necessary and helpful? Three simple questions to ask before finalising what you write. 24:05 - What comes next for Rebekah? Article 39, relationship-based practice, training, writing and advocacy. Resources Mentioned Free Loaves on Fridays Free Loaves on Fridays: The Care System as Told by People Who Actually Get It is an anthology edited by Rebekah Pierre featuring the voices of 100 care-experienced children and adults. The project was designed around a no-rejection policy, helping people who may never ordinarily have access to publishing tell their own stories in their own voices. Free Loaves on Fridays Rebekah Pierre Training, consultancy and keynote support are available through: Rebekah Pierre's website Contact: [email protected] LinkedIn Rebekah Pierre on LinkedIn The Guardian Rebekah has written extensively about care experience and children’s social care. Rebekah Pierre's Guardian profile An Open Letter to the Social Worker Who Wrote My Case Files Read the open letter through BASW Article 39 Rebekah currently works as Deputy Director of Article 39, which campaigns for the rights of children living in institutional settings. A Useful Reflective Question for Professionals Before finalising a record, Rebekah suggests considering: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it helpful? These questions can apply beyond social work - including school records, incident reports, safeguarding notes, care records and any professional documentation that may contribute to someone else’s lasting story. About Rebekah Pierre Rebekah Pierre is a care-experienced author, registered social worker, award-winning campaigner, trainer and consultant. Her work focuses on children’s rights, care records, language, cultural competence, meaningful participation and improving how services work alongside children and adults with lived experience. Her book Free Loaves on Fridays amplifies 100 care-experienced voices and challenges a system in which children have traditionally been written about far more often than they have been invited to write for themselves. Follow Able to Care Podcast: able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this conversation changes the way you think about records, language or lived-experience participation, please share it with a social worker, foster carer, teacher, residential childcare professional or service leader who may benefit.

Part 1 - Language, Labels and the Legacy of Care Records A care record might feel like an administrative task to the professional writing it, but for a care-experienced person it can become part of the story they use to understand their childhood decades later. In Part 1 of this conversation, Andy Baker speaks with care-experienced author, social worker, campaigner and trainer Rebekah Pierre about the lasting impact of language in children’s social care records. Drawing on both professional experience and the deeply personal experience of accessing her own care files, Rebekah explains how factual inaccuracies, misspelled names, labels and judgemental language can shape identity, influence future placements and leave adults trying to reconstruct their childhood from records written during some of their most difficult moments. For foster carers, residential childcare staff, social workers, teachers, parents and anyone recording information about children, this episode is a powerful reminder that the person you are writing about may one day become the person reading it. In This Episode Andy and Rebekah discuss: Why children may read their care records decades later What it felt like for Rebekah to access her own files Why something as simple as repeatedly misspelling a child’s name matters How labels can influence placements, education and professional decisions Why behaviour needs context Moving from “attention seeking” towards understanding attachment and connection Why words such as manipulative, lazy or aggressive can create damaging narratives The difference between professional intention and the impact of what is written Victim-blaming language in children’s social care Why professionals need time to regulate before recording emotive incidents How artificial intelligence could help - or reinforce existing bias Professional jargon and making records understandable Why parents and children should be treated as people with identities, not simply roles or case labels Three Key Messages 1. Write for the future reader, not only the current system. Managers and inspectors may read a record once. The child may return to it decades later while trying to understand who they were and what happened to them. 2. Behaviour without context creates labels. A child who lashes out after several placement moves, a bereavement or trauma needs that context recorded. Describing only the behaviour can create a distorted picture that follows them. 3. Intent does not erase impact. A professional may not intend to stigmatise, blame or belittle, but careless language can still have a profound effect on the person who eventually reads it. Why Listen to This Episode? This episode is particularly valuable if you: Write care notes, incident reports or assessments about children Work in foster care or residential childcare Are a social worker, teacher or safeguarding professional Support children whose behaviour can be misunderstood Work with care-experienced young people or adults Want to make recording more trauma-aware and person-centred Use AI or digital systems to create or summarise records Want to understand how professional language can influence identity It challenges professionals to move away from records that simply capture what went wrong and towards recording that preserves context, dignity and the humanity of the child. Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - Who will eventually read a child’s care records? Why the computer screen is not the final destination. 00:42 - Rebekah’s experience of reading her own care files Misspelled names, inaccuracies and trying to reconstruct a childhood. 03:08 - Why care records become so emotionally powerful Records as a map of what went wrong - often without the joyful or ordinary moments. 04:42 - The lifelong impact of labels How descriptions of behaviour can influence placements, education and professional decisions. 07:11 - Attention seeking, attachment searching and manipulative behaviour Why changing language can change how we understand the child. 09:23 - Intent versus impact Why record-writing improvement should be about reflection rather than guilt. 10:02 - When records blame children for their own abuse Why language around exploitation and consent matters. 11:39 - Burnout, secondary trauma and professional judgement How the emotional state of the adult can influence what gets written. 13:01 - Should we record immediately after an incident? Regulating first, separating facts from feelings and reflecting before finalising notes. 15:40 - AI and children’s social care records Could technology reduce bias - or simply reproduce it? 19:05 - Jargon and accessible language Would the child or parent actually understand what professionals have written? 21:02 - Why calling someone simply “mum” can matter Identity, institutional language and thoughtless habits. 21:52 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned Rebekah Pierre Rebekah provides training, consultancy and keynote speaking around children’s social care, including: The legacy of language and improving care records Cultural competence Meaningful participation and psychological safety Creative approaches to direct work Working with care-experienced children and adults Rebekah Pierre's website Contact: [email protected] Rebekah Pierre on LinkedIn Connect with Rebekah on LinkedIn An Open Letter to the Social Worker Who Wrote My Case Files Rebekah discusses the open letter she wrote after accessing her own care records and finding inaccuracies and language that had a profound emotional impact. Read Rebekah's open letter via BASW Free Loaves on Fridays Free Loaves on Fridays: The Care System as Told by People Who Actually Get It brings together the voices of 100 care-experienced children and adults. Free Loaves on Fridays About Rebekah Pierre Rebekah Pierre is a care-experienced author, award-winning campaigner, registered social worker, trainer and consultant specialising in children’s social care. With around 16 years of experience working with children and families in the UK and overseas, her work combines professional expertise with direct lived experience. Rebekah is the editor of Free Loaves on Fridays: The Care System as Told by People Who Actually Get It, an anthology bringing together 100 care-experienced voices. She is currently Deputy Director of Article 39, a charity defending the rights of children living in institutional settings, and also delivers keynotes, consultancy and training across the children’s social care sector. Follow Able to Care Podcast: able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring how children can meaningfully shape their own records, Free Loaves on Fridays, lived-experience participation, psychological safety and moving beyond tokenism.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Samantha Dholakia, the discussion moves beyond behaviour strategies and into the wider environments that shape children’s emotional wellbeing. Andy and Samantha explore why schools need to teach far more than academic knowledge, including emotional intelligence, mindset, conflict management and self-regulation. Samantha discusses how modern childhood has changed, why many children are overloaded by information and stress, and why emotional regulation can become a significant barrier to learning. The conversation also takes a deep dive into belonging. Samantha explains why feeling seen, safe and accepted can profoundly influence behaviour, motivation and identity - and why children who do not experience belonging in families, schools or communities may look for it elsewhere. This episode is particularly relevant for teachers, parents, caregivers, school leaders and anyone trying to understand why relationships, emotional safety and belonging matter so much for behaviour. In This Episode Andy and Samantha explore: Why emotional regulation should be part of the school curriculum Teaching mindset, self-talk and emotional awareness Why conflict-management skills need to be taught explicitly How the modern world has changed childhood Stress in parents, teachers and children The emotional load children carry into the classroom AI versus emotional intelligence Preparing children for an uncertain future Why human connection may become even more important as technology develops Belonging as a foundation for behaviour Psychological safety and acceptance Why rejection can feel physically painful Gang culture and the search for belonging How schools can create stronger cultures of connection Family agreements and shared expectations Looking beyond “good people” and “bad people” Why survival strategies can lead people towards harmful choices Understanding behaviour through needs rather than judgement Three Key Messages 1. Emotional intelligence is a core life skill. Children need help understanding self-talk, emotional regulation, relationships, conflict and resilience if they are going to navigate an increasingly complex world. 2. Belonging changes behaviour. When children feel safe, accepted and valued, they are more able to learn, communicate, regulate and form healthy relationships. 3. Harmful behaviour does not necessarily mean a harmful person. Understanding someone’s experiences, unmet needs and survival strategies creates far more opportunities for change than labelling them as simply “good” or “bad”. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Want to understand why emotional regulation affects learning Believe schools should teach more life skills Support children who struggle to feel they belong Work with children affected by exclusion, disadvantage or gang culture Want to understand why rejection can drive behaviour Are interested in the impact of AI on future education Want to build emotionally safer classrooms or homes Are trying to move away from judgement and towards curiosity Want children to develop resilience without relying on shame or punishment This episode offers a broader view of behaviour by asking what kind of environments adults need to create if children are going to feel secure enough to thrive. Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - Should emotional regulation be part of the curriculum? Why mindset, emotional awareness and conflict management are essential life skills. 01:09 - Why childhood has changed but education has not Technology, information overload and the growing pressures on children. 02:06 - The stress carried by adults and children How financial, relational and workplace pressures shape family and classroom life. 03:24 - The emotional backpack children bring into school Why children cannot always learn while their brains are busy managing stress. 04:45 - AI versus emotional intelligence Why human emotional skills may become even more valuable in the future. 07:18 - Using technology to create more human connection Could AI reduce administration and allow teachers and caregivers to spend more time with people? 08:32 - Why belonging matters so much How feeling seen, safe and accepted affects behaviour. 10:33 - Humans are wired for community Why connection and belonging influence wellbeing and resilience. 11:39 - Gang culture and the search for belonging Why children may seek acceptance elsewhere when they do not experience it at school or home. 13:52 - Rejection, shame and emotional pain Why exclusion can create powerful behavioural responses. 15:31 - Belonging is a culture, not a policy Creating classrooms and families where acceptance is genuinely felt. 16:54 - Family agreements and shared expectations Building collaborative boundaries rather than imposing rules. 19:16 - Looking beyond good and bad people How life experiences and survival shape behaviour. 20:46 - The choices that change a life Why emotional state, development and circumstance influence decision-making. 22:25 - Behaviour as survival Understanding maladaptive behaviour through needs, stress and belonging. 23:59 - Moving from judgement to curiosity Why understanding function creates more opportunities for sustainable change. Resources Mentioned The Behaviour Bank™ The Behaviour Bank supports schools, nurseries, professionals and parents with ongoing guidance around: Behaviour Emotional regulation Inclusion Executive functioning Neuroscience Relationships Parent support Classroom strategies Whole-school implementation Email: [email protected] Behaviour Balance System™ The system helps adults understand behaviour through regulation, sensory needs, beliefs, communication and the child’s wider environment. The Behaviour Pod Samantha also hosts The Behaviour Pod, exploring behaviour, emotional regulation and practical strategies for parents and educators. YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@SPDTrainingandConsultancy3216 LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/samantha-dholakia-142ab57a/ Instagram https://www.instagram.com/spdtrainingandconsultancy/ Further Samantha Dholakia Resources HiPP Organic: https://www.hipp.co.uk/expert/samantha-dholakia Connect Childcare - Big Feelings, Big Behaviour: https://connectchildcare.com/blog/big-feelings-big-behaviour/ Twinkl: https://www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/author/samantha-dholakia The Voice of Early Childhood - The Full Emotional Diet: https://thevoiceofearlychildhood.com/the-full-emotional-diet-finding-emotional-balance-in-the-early-years/ TTS World of Education podcast: https://worldofeducation.tts-group.co.uk/meet-podcast-guest-samantha-dholakia/ About Samantha Dholakia Samantha Dholakia is CEO of The Behaviour Bank and a behaviour, inclusion and emotional regulation coach, consultant and trainer. With nearly 20 years of experience in education and a background as a Deputy Headteacher, Samantha supports schools and families to create environments where children can feel emotionally safe, included and capable of thriving. She is the creator of The Behaviour Balance System™ and The Behaviour Bank™, and her work focuses on helping adults move beyond traditional behaviour management towards approaches based on neuroscience, relationships, emotional regulation and belonging. Follow Able to Care Podcast website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this conversation changes how you think about behaviour, emotional regulation or belonging, please share it with a teacher, parent, caregiver or colleague who may benefit.

What if some of the behaviour strategies adults rely on most are actually making things harder? In Part 1 of this conversation, Andy Baker speaks with Samantha Dholakia, behaviour, inclusion and emotional regulation specialist and CEO of The Behaviour Bank, about why rewards, sanctions and behaviour charts can sometimes undermine the very behaviours adults are trying to encourage. Samantha explains the difference between short-term compliance and sustainable behaviour change, why intrinsic motivation matters, and how gamification, collaboration, celebration and compassionate boundaries can create better outcomes. The episode also introduces Samantha’s Behaviour Balance System, which focuses on emotional regulation, sensory needs, relationships and the whole child rather than simply trying to manage behaviour. This episode will be particularly useful for teachers, parents, caregivers, school leaders and anyone supporting children who struggle with behaviour, emotional regulation, demand avoidance, motivation or belonging. In This Episode Andy and Samantha explore: Why rewards can work for simple tasks but become problematic when overused The difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation Why behaviour charts and escalating rewards can lose their impact How gamification can make everyday tasks easier Why celebration is different from bribery How demand avoidance can make traditional reward systems ineffective Turning “no” into “yes” without removing boundaries Why children need compassion and structure at the same time The Behaviour Balance System Moving away from behaviour management and towards regulation Teaching the skills that sit underneath behaviour expectations The importance of sensory input, sleep, nutrition and communication Replacing “good” and “bad” behaviour with “useful” and “not useful” Helping children build an inner cheerleader instead of an inner critic Three Key Messages 1. Rewards may create short-term compliance without creating long-term motivation. If children learn that every task requires an external payoff, they may stop seeing the value in the activity itself. 2. Behaviour is communication. Behaviour is influenced by sensory needs, emotional regulation, beliefs, experiences and unmet needs. Sustainable change requires us to understand what is driving the behaviour. 3. Boundaries do not need to disappear to become compassionate. Adults can hold clear expectations while reducing unnecessary friction, offering connection and helping children feel safe enough to cooperate. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Regularly use sticker charts or reward systems and wonder why they stop working Support children who become more oppositional when offered rewards or consequences Work with children with demand-avoidant profiles Want alternatives to traditional behaviour management Are trying to build intrinsic motivation Want practical approaches to emotional regulation Feel stuck between being “too strict” and “too permissive” Want to better understand what sits underneath behaviour The episode challenges some familiar behaviour-management assumptions without suggesting that adults abandon structure or expectations. Instead, the focus is on building environments where children can develop emotional regulation, confidence, intrinsic motivation and sustainable behavioural skills. Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - Can rewards and behaviour charts make behaviour worse? Why some behaviour systems work for simple tasks but fail when creativity, motivation and emotional regulation are involved. 02:46 - What rewards can do to intrinsic motivation Why children are naturally driven to learn and what can happen when every task becomes transactional. 03:26 - Gamifying everyday tasks Samantha shares how games can replace repetitive reward systems. 05:25 - Celebration versus reward Why sharing pride and celebrating achievement can be more powerful than “if you do this, you get that”. 07:10 - Why external motivation eventually loses its power The problem with continually increasing the size or value of rewards. 08:42 - Why traditional behaviour psychology can oversimplify children Rewards, punishment and why humans are more complicated than simple stimulus-response models. 10:10 - Demand avoidance and the need for control Why rewards and sanctions can increase anxiety for some children. 10:38 - Turning a “no” into a “yes” Reducing friction while still holding a clear boundary. 14:10 - What is the Behaviour Balance System? Moving away from managing behaviour and towards emotional regulation, sensory needs and sustainable change. 16:21 - Teaching the skills underneath behaviour Why expectations such as sharing need to be explicitly broken down and practised. 18:05 - The Behaviour Bank Sleep, nutrition, communication, emotional regulation and a whole-child approach. 19:40 - Useful behaviour versus “good” and “bad” behaviour Removing guilt, shame and blame from conversations about behaviour. 21:23 - Building an inner cheerleader Helping children develop a more compassionate internal voice. 23:59 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned The Behaviour Bank The Behaviour Bank is Samantha’s online behaviour, inclusion and emotional regulation hub for schools, nurseries and families. It includes: Expert-led CPD Practical behaviour strategies Emotional regulation tools Downloadable resources Parent support Implementation guidance Neuroscience-informed approaches Support around sleep, nutrition and wellbeing Email: [email protected] Behaviour Balance System™ Samantha’s Behaviour Balance System focuses on: Emotional regulation Sensory needs Relationships Intrinsic motivation Belonging Executive functioning Communication Sustainable behaviour change YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@SPDTrainingandConsultancy3216 LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/samantha-dholakia-142ab57a/ Instagram https://www.instagram.com/spdtrainingandconsultancy/ Other Samantha Dholakia Resources TTS World of Education podcast: https://worldofeducation.tts-group.co.uk/meet-podcast-guest-samantha-dholakia/ HiPP Organic expert profile: https://www.hipp.co.uk/expert/samantha-dholakia Connect Childcare - Big Feelings, Big Behaviour: https://connectchildcare.com/blog/big-feelings-big-behaviour/ Twinkl articles: https://www.twinkl.co.uk/blog/author/samantha-dholakia The Voice of Early Childhood - The Full Emotional Diet: https://thevoiceofearlychildhood.com/the-full-emotional-diet-finding-emotional-balance-in-the-early-years/ About Samantha Dholakia Samantha Dholakia is a behaviour, inclusion and emotional regulation specialist with nearly 20 years of experience supporting schools to create emotionally safe and inclusive learning environments. A former Deputy Headteacher, Samantha is the founder of SPD Training and Consultancy and creator of The Behaviour Balance System™ and The Behaviour Bank™. Her work helps educators and families move beyond traditional behaviour management towards approaches rooted in neuroscience, emotional regulation, relationships, belonging and inclusion. She delivers keynote presentations, consultancy, professional development and parent strategy sessions across the UK and internationally. Follow Able to Care Podcast website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring emotional intelligence, the future of education, belonging, rejection, gang culture and why children need more than behaviour management to thrive.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Lisa Daniels, the focus moves from diagnosis and grief into the day-to-day emotional reality of caring for someone living with dementia. Lisa and Andy explore why caregivers often feel guilty for needing a break, why saying “I can’t do this today” can actually be a healthy boundary, and how family relationships can become strained when siblings or relatives experience the same dementia journey very differently. Lisa shares her own experience of feeling relief during COVID when she was temporarily unable to visit her mother in care - and the guilt that came with that relief. The episode also explores family conflict, communication patterns, Transactional Analysis, ego states and how counselling can help families understand why conversations keep breaking down. This episode is particularly useful for family carers, sandwich carers, professional caregivers and anyone who feels emotionally exhausted, guilty or stuck while supporting someone living with dementia. In This Episode Andy and Lisa explore: Why no two dementia experiences are truly the same Setting boundaries without feeling selfish Recognising when you are not emotionally able to visit Why caregivers need permission to put themselves first sometimes Relief, guilt and complicated emotions during caregiving Creating quality interactions instead of forcing long visits How to make visits more meaningful Using activities, meals and touch to create connection Family conflict between siblings and relatives The Drama Triangle in dementia caregiving Financial decisions and disagreements around care How counselling can support difficult family conversations Transactional Analysis and ego states Parent, Adult and Child communication patterns How dementia can change the way conversations are reciprocated Why emotional support after diagnosis is often missing The importance of individualised counselling Taking the first step when you feel you cannot carry the load anymore Three Key Messages 1. Boundaries are part of good caregiving. If you are exhausted, angry or emotionally overwhelmed, taking a break may protect both you and the person you support. 2. Family members can experience the same dementia journey very differently. Distance, gender roles, history, personality and grief can all shape how people respond, which is why sibling conflict is so common. 3. Communication patterns matter. Understanding how we move between Parent, Adult and Child ego states can help families recognise why conversations escalate and how to respond differently. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Feel guilty for needing time away from your loved one Are struggling to set boundaries Feel relief when you do not have to visit, then feel guilty about that relief Are arguing with siblings about who should provide care Feel like one person in the family is doing everything Find visits uncomfortable or emotionally draining Want to understand Transactional Analysis and communication patterns Feel emotionally exhausted and unsure how much longer you can continue Work with families and want to understand the hidden emotional pressures behind caregiving The episode offers an important reminder that good dementia care is not about sacrificing yourself completely. Sustainable care depends on recognising your own needs, limits and emotional wellbeing too. Timestamps / Chapters 00:00 - Why no two dementia journeys are the same Sameness in diagnosis does not mean sameness in experience. 00:18 - Boundaries in dementia caregiving Why saying “I can’t do this today” is not the same as abandoning someone. 01:53 - Giving yourself permission not to visit What good will actually come from the visit if you are already overwhelmed? 03:08 - Relief and guilt during COVID Lisa shares the difficult truth that part of her felt relieved not to have to visit. 04:14 - Sandwich carers and competing responsibilities Trying to be emotionally present for children while worrying about a parent. 05:25 - Making visits more intentional Why activity, mealtimes or practical tasks can make visits easier. 07:00 - Connection without conversation Touch, presence and recognising familiarity even when words have gone. 08:06 - Family conflict and sibling dynamics Why dementia can expose long-standing differences within families. 09:46 - The Drama Triangle Victim, persecutor and rescuer roles in caregiving relationships. 11:33 - Financial decisions and care-home disagreements How emotional pressure can turn practical decisions into conflict. 12:12 - How counselling can support family relationships Helping people understand each other rather than simply deciding who is right. 13:00 - What is Transactional Analysis? Analysing conversations and understanding communication patterns. 14:19 - Understanding Parent, Adult and Child ego states How our childhood experiences shape our adult communication. 17:21 - Why dementia conversations can break down The person may not be able to meet you in the communication state you expect. 18:54 - What professionals should understand after diagnosis Why families can feel emotionally abandoned even when practical support exists. 21:11 - Sameness does not mean identical experience Culture, gender, language, relationships and life history all matter. 22:08 - “I don’t know how much longer I can carry this” Lisa’s advice for anyone reaching their emotional limit. 23:42 - Counselling as a safe space Why talking can help people feel lighter and understand their own patterns. 25:06 - Finding the right counsellor Why one difficult experience of therapy does not mean counselling cannot help. 27:42 - How to contact Lisa Where to find The Dementia Counsellor and access support. Resources Mentioned The Dementia Counsellor Lisa offers counselling for: People living with an early dementia diagnosis Family members Partners Adult children Sandwich carers Families experiencing grief and conflict Website: https://www.thedementiacounsellor.co.uk Email: [email protected] Lisa Daniels on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/lisa-daniels-32214623/ Instagram The Dementia Counsellor UK Facebook The Dementia Counsellor.co.uk Therapeutic Support Group Lisa has received local funding to deliver a six-session therapeutic support group for people affected by dementia in Coventry. Alzheimer’s Society Lisa contributes to the Alzheimer’s Society Research Network and supports research into improving the future of dementia care and support. The Shakespeare Hospice Lisa also volunteers with The Shakespeare Hospice in Stratford-upon-Avon. The Adaptive Caregiver Model The Adaptive Caregiver Model: Walking With, Not Ahead - A Practical Guide to Dementia Care That Adapts to the Person, Not the Diagnosis https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adaptive-Caregiver-Model-Practical-Diagnosis/dp/1918283060 About Lisa Daniels Lisa Daniels is a Level 7 Transactional Analysis Counsellor specialising in supporting people impacted by dementia. Her work combines professional counselling expertise with lived experience of dementia within her own family. Lisa supports people who have received an early diagnosis, family caregivers, spouses, adult children and sandwich carers. Her work explores grief, identity, difficult family histories, boundaries, relationship conflict and the emotional demands of caring. She works online and from private practice in Kenilworth and Coventry, as well as within hospice and community settings. Follow Able to Care Podcast website: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this conversation resonates with you, consider sharing it with a family caregiver, professional carer or someone navigating a dementia diagnosis who may need to hear that struggling does not mean they are failing.