243: How to Deal with Intrusive Thoughts

Stress management includes more than just trying to calm down when you’re overwhelmed. Joel and I explore a 360-degree approach to managing stress, from what you eat and how you spend your time to doing breathwork and setting boundaries in relationships, and more. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Joel and I explore what intrusive thoughts are, what causes them, what makes them worse, and how to deal with them more effectively. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

There is an ongoing debate about what makes therapy effective. Is it aspects of the therapist? What the patient brings to treatment? Common factors that cut across all psychotherapy, or specific elements of certain treatment programs? Joel and I explore these questions and discuss our own views on why therapy works. Here is a link to the classic review that Joel mentioned about psychotherapy clinical outcome studies: Meta-analysis of Psychotherapy Outcome Studies. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Fellow psychologist Joel Minden and I talk about behavioral activation, one of the most effective treatments for depression. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode I discuss some ongoing health challenges I’ve had, why I decided to pause the podcast for the time being, and why you don’t have to take your struggles so personally. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is holistic executive coach Doug Holt. It was Doug’s second time on the podcast (the previous episode is here) and another great discussion. This time we focused on the marriage relationship—especially when you fear that you married the wrong person. Our discussion focused mostly on male-female couples, but many of the things we talked about are relevant for all committed partnerships. Topics we discussed included: What leads people to think they married the wrong person Feeling like one is married to a “roommate with a ring” Blaming one’s partner for marital disconnect Focusing on the person you can control, vs. the other person The disconnect between one’s reception in the wider world and at home The common isolation from a brotherhood that many men experience Looking to one’s partner to fulfill all of one’s needs The book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover Putting our validation for our self-worth on our partner Doubling down on relationship behaviors that aren’t working The turn-off of needy energy The downsides of interacting in a transactional way with one’s partner Asking one’s partner about how much their relationship needs are being met Choosing a spouse that is perfectly positioned to challenge us and push our buttons Taking marital challenges as feedback and opportunities for growth Self-betterment as a no-lose option Time and money as indicators of one’s values The very rough patch that Doug went through in his marriage Working with parents to improve kids’ lives What it means to be a “powerful man” Doug Holt has been changing lives through his coaching for nearly 30 years. He owns several successful companies and specializes in helping men (especially business owners) to grow their businesses, strengthen their relationships, and design the life they want to live. Doug lives with his wife and two kids in Oregon. Learn more about Doug and his work at his website.  Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is Dr. Paul Kesselman, a clinical psychologist and close friend of mine. It was Paul’s second time on the podcast (the previous episode is here) and another great discussion. This time we focused on how to keep open lines of communication with our kids. Topics we discussed included: The advantages of keeping open dialogue with our kids Creating a safe environment for our kids to talk with us The downside of coming to our kids with an agenda Talking at, to, or with kids Making sure children are engaged when we’re speaking with them Capitalizing on moments when our kids are available to talk with us How early to start thinking about open dialogue with children Many children’s preference to go to Mom to talk rather than Dad How to deal respond when our kids do something wrong Shifting from content to process with our kids Remembering our goals in our interactions with our children Our expectations for how children “should” respond to our critiques and corrections Letting kids know we’re there while also respecting their privacy and space The downsides of jumping in to fix or resolve things for our kids The book Paul referenced, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (affiliate link) Paul Kesselman, PsyD, completed his doctoral degree in psychology at Yeshiva University. He has taught college level courses in child psychology. He has been working in private practice seeing individuals, families, and running groups since 2003. Paul works with children as young as four years of age and sees children, pre- teens, adolescents, families, young adults, and adults. He has also conducted research studies on social anxiety at New York State Psychiatric Institute. Paul grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He and his wife have five children; he enjoys spending time with his family, listening to music, and playing baseball when he is not helping patients and families. He has a passion for his work and enjoys the opportunity to work with issues such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, learning issues, OCD, anger issues, impulse control disorders, school avoidance and refusal, and adjustments issues. Paul has spoken at both public and private area schools on a variety of topics including ADHD, anxiety, special needs children, and school anxiety. Learn more about Paul and his therapy practice at his website. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is Dr. Nadia Colburn, a poet and author of a new book of poetry entitled I Say the Sky (affiliate link).  Topics we discussed included: Developing greater interest in poetry later in life Turning to poetry as a spiritual or devotional practice The ability of poetry to express or point to things that are difficult to capture The emotional connection that poetry can inspire Presence that exists outside of traditional narrative Readings from Nadia’s books Wanting to live and yet forgetting we’re alive right here and now Mistaking the world for a task Making the body more spacious so it can contain more The ongoing life of the past into the present The dialogue between writing and meditation Letting go of the desire to show that we’re good and acceptable Nadia’s description and evocation of the experience of anxiety in her poem “Anxiety” The missingness of poetry, according to Kieran Setiya Nadia Colburn, PhD, is also the author of The High Shelf. Her poetry and prose have appeared in more than 80 publications, including the New Yorker, American Poetry Review, Kenyon Review, Spirituality & Health, Lion’s Roar, and the Yale Review. Nadia holds a PhD in English from Columbia University. She is the founder of Align Your Story writing school, which brings traditional literary and creative writing studies together with mindfulness, embodied practices, and social and environmental engagement. Learn more about Nadia at her website, where you can also find meditations and other free resources. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is Dr. Carla Naumburg, a clinical social worker and author with a brand new book called How to Stop Freaking Out: The Ultimate Guide to Keeping Cool When Life Feels Chaotic. This is an excellent guide for young people who are struggling with overwhelming emotions. Topics we discussed included: The defining features of a freak-out The balance between acknowledging big emotions and controlling freak-outs The difficulty in controlling an active freak-out The role of the prefrontal cortex (PFC) in regulating emotions and behavior Fight, flight, freeze, flip-out, and fix as different manifestations of freaking out Why freak-outs happen in spite of the costs Handling the triggers that can push our buttons Checking in with your body as a way to manage emotions The power of thoughts, for good and for ill The crucial difference between feelings and thoughts Whether it’s helpful to express anger through, e.g., punching a pillow Carla Naumburg, PhD, LICSW, is a clinical social worker and the author of five books, including the bestselling How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, CNN, and Mindful Magazine, among other places. Carla lives in Massachusetts with her husband and two daughters. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is Diane Manser, a long-time high school teacher with an important message that she shares in her recent book, I Didn’t Sign Up for This: One Classroom Teacher’s Journey Through Emotional Fatigue to Personal Empowerment (affiliate link).  Topics we discussed included: What led Diane to become a teacher The best and hardest aspects of teaching The point at which my guest started to wonder what she had signed up for Aspects of teaching that can lead to frustration and burnout Some of the needs and expectations that teachers can bring to the classroom Embracing organic developments while teaching Teaching as a both/and experience that is both rewarding and challenging Experiencing of meanness from students The emotional elements of being a teacher Learning to recognize the familiar reactions we have to certain types of people How being a teacher can force a person to grow on a personal level Diane Manser is a devoted high school English teacher in the Philadelphia suburbs, focusing most of her teaching career in the ninth grade. She is the founder of Teaching is Emotional, which encourages educational leaders, current teachers, and emerging teachers to support teachers’ emotional strength as they navigate a challenging profession. Diane loves to be the sunshine in people’s days and to find joy in the simplest of moments. She relishes summertime at the beach, self-discovery podcasts and non-fiction books, TV watching with her husband, and playing with her kids. Find Diane online at her website and join her private Facebook group Teaching Is Emotional. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe