246: How to Change the Thoughts That Hurt Your Relationship

Out-of-control anxiety can dominate your thoughts and direct your actions. In this conversation Joel and I explore many effective ways to tame anxiety so you can live more freely. Use these practices every day to loosen the grip of anxious thoughts and feelings and find greater peace.The practices we discuss come from my just-released book, Your Daily Reset. This guide offers 366 exercises for managing stress and anxiety, one for every day of the year. If you use one of these links, some of the purchase price will go toward supporting this podcast, at no additional cost to you: Amazon Bookshop . Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is dealing with a child’s challenging emotions. Many of the same skills that help in your relationship with your child can also help in managing your own feelings. In this episode Joel and I explore how to diffuse difficult emotions rather than adding fuel to the fire, integrating firmness and warmth, and investing in a long-term relationship with yourself. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Your mental habits have a powerful effect on the health of your relationship. In this episode Joel and I explore some of the common cognitive distortions that can drive a wedge between partners, such as mind reading, personalizing, shoulding, and the blame bias. Discover how to recognize and see through these distortions. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

What is emotional intelligence (EI)? Where does it comes from? And what are its benefits? Joel and I also discuss what you can do to increase your ability to recognize and work with emotions, whether your own or others'. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Stress management includes more than just trying to calm down when you’re overwhelmed. Joel and I explore a 360-degree approach to managing stress, from what you eat and how you spend your time to doing breathwork and setting boundaries in relationships, and more. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Joel and I explore what intrusive thoughts are, what causes them, what makes them worse, and how to deal with them more effectively. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

There is an ongoing debate about what makes therapy effective. Is it aspects of the therapist? What the patient brings to treatment? Common factors that cut across all psychotherapy, or specific elements of certain treatment programs? Joel and I explore these questions and discuss our own views on why therapy works. Here is a link to the classic review that Joel mentioned about psychotherapy clinical outcome studies: Meta-analysis of Psychotherapy Outcome Studies. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

Fellow psychologist Joel Minden and I talk about behavioral activation, one of the most effective treatments for depression. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode I discuss some ongoing health challenges I’ve had, why I decided to pause the podcast for the time being, and why you don’t have to take your struggles so personally. Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe

My guest this week is holistic executive coach Doug Holt. It was Doug’s second time on the podcast (the previous episode is here) and another great discussion. This time we focused on the marriage relationship—especially when you fear that you married the wrong person. Our discussion focused mostly on male-female couples, but many of the things we talked about are relevant for all committed partnerships. Topics we discussed included: What leads people to think they married the wrong person Feeling like one is married to a “roommate with a ring” Blaming one’s partner for marital disconnect Focusing on the person you can control, vs. the other person The disconnect between one’s reception in the wider world and at home The common isolation from a brotherhood that many men experience Looking to one’s partner to fulfill all of one’s needs The book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover Putting our validation for our self-worth on our partner Doubling down on relationship behaviors that aren’t working The turn-off of needy energy The downsides of interacting in a transactional way with one’s partner Asking one’s partner about how much their relationship needs are being met Choosing a spouse that is perfectly positioned to challenge us and push our buttons Taking marital challenges as feedback and opportunities for growth Self-betterment as a no-lose option Time and money as indicators of one’s values The very rough patch that Doug went through in his marriage Working with parents to improve kids’ lives What it means to be a “powerful man” Doug Holt has been changing lives through his coaching for nearly 30 years. He owns several successful companies and specializes in helping men (especially business owners) to grow their businesses, strengthen their relationships, and design the life they want to live. Doug lives with his wife and two kids in Oregon. Learn more about Doug and his work at his website.  Get full access to Think Act Be with Seth Gillihan at thinkactbe.substack.com/subscribe