#260 Facts vs. Fiction in Pornography Conversations (with Alan McKee)

In this episode of #mensexpleasure, I speak with Rob Kancler, men’s coach and facilitator drawing on Tantra, Taoism, and somatic practices about the developmental journey of male sexuality and intimacy. Rob shares how early experiences of isolation and confusion shape men’s long-term challenges with self-esteem, connection, and performance. We explore the role of the nervous system in intimacy, unpacking how fear-based responses like fight, flight, freeze, and fawn often disrupt presence and pleasure. Rob and I discuss reframing masculinity and responsibility in relationships, shifting away from rigid scripts toward curiosity, creativity, and authentic communication. A rich conversation on cultivating embodied intimacy, regulating the nervous system, and redefining what it means to lead with presence in sex and relationships.Key Points:@1:19 The development of male and intimacy@4:29 Nervous system awareness and fear-based responses @17:34 Reframing masculinity and responsibility in intimacy @1:14:21 Closing reflections and resources

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I continue my conversation with Professor Alan McKee, who has spent decades studying pornography, pleasure, and sexual development. We dive into the legitimate problems with mainstream porn, including its narrow focus on penetration at the expense of female pleasure, its reinforcement of unrealistic beauty standards, and its lack of consent modeling. Alan and I also discuss how habitual porn use can create rigid “erotic pathways” that don’t always translate to real-life encounters, and why strategies for more mindful consumption are key. Together, we reflect on what it would take for sexual media to better represent diversity, consent, and connection, and how healthier pathways can support more positive experiences of sexuality.Key Points:2:10 Lack of variety in practices15:38 Unrealistic beauty standards 23:27 Lack of consent modeling 36:16 Habitual and compulsive use50:23 Recap and future directions

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I interview Professor Alan McKee, who has spent nearly three decades researching pornography and healthy sexual development. We discuss the need to include heterosexual men in sexual health conversations, debunk common myths about pornography, and emphasise the importance of open communication and sex education for healthy sexual attitudes. We also touch on the cultural shame surrounding sexuality and conclude with plans for a follow-up discussion on the real issues related to pornography.Key points:02:30 Research on Pornography and Sexual Health06:17 Personal Stories of Shame and Sexuality11:27 Misconceptions and Myths about Pornography16:33 Youth and Exposure to Pornography31:45 Debunking the Escalation Myth41:57 Conclusion and Future Discussion

This episode of #mensexpleasure is a compilation of shorter videos I've posted on my social media over the last year about sex education. I delve into this contentious issue, addressing and debunking the talking points propagated by conservative commentators such as Candace Owens, Matt Walsh, and Ben Shapiro. I summarise the historical context of sex education, clarify misconceptions, and provide evidence against claims that sex education sexualises students, leads to increased sexual activity, or contributes to a rise in STIs. I also critique the rationale behind abstinence-only education and highlight the benefits of comprehensive sexuality education, including its role in reducing teen pregnancies and preventing sexual violence. Finally, this episode emphasises the importance of understanding the political and ethical motives driving opposition to sex ed and advocates for informed, reality-based discussions on the topic.Key Points:00:51 Historical Context of Sex Education in Schools04:51 Conservative Critiques and Counterarguments18:42 The Role of Parents in Sex Education20:34 Conservative Push to Abolish Sex Education24:55 Conservative Views on Teenage Pregnancy26:45 Debunking Pornographic Sex Ed Allegations30:45 Condom Relay Races and Misinformation32:56 Sexuality Education in Europe and Misconceptions38:10 Consent Education and Its Challenges43:40 Choking During Sex: A Dangerous Trend51:02 Conservative Rhetoric and the Value of Pleasure in Sex

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Shay Doran, a men’s coach who helps guys overcome performance anxiety and erection challenges. Shay shares his personal journey of leaving a corporate career after realizing how deeply these struggles were shaping his relationships and confidence, and why addressing them became his life’s work.We discuss how performance anxiety often stems from childhood messages about worth and masculinity, and how those beliefs create cycles of pressure, shame, and disconnection in the bedroom. Shay explains why shifting the focus from performance to pleasure, presence, and communication can transform intimacy, and how reframing natural breaks—like moving rooms or reaching for a condom—can ease anxiety rather than trigger it.Shay also offers practical advice and resources for men navigating these challenges, reminding us that healthy sexuality isn’t about flawless performance, but about connection, patience, and trust.Key Points:Shay's background and motivation Shay shares his personal journey of overcoming performance anxiety and erection challenges, which led him to leave his corporate career and dedicate himself to helping other men with similar struggles. He describes how his father's passing and a realization about the impact of these issues on his life and relationships were the catalysts for change.The root causes of performance anxiety Shay and Cam discuss how performance anxiety often stems from early life experiences and messages around the need to perform and be a certain way to receive love and acceptance. They explore how these deep-seated beliefs and insecurities manifest in the bedroom and create a vicious cycle of anxiety and shame.Reframing the approach to intimacyCam shares his approach of shifting the focus from performance to pleasure, connection, and enjoyment. He emphasizes the importance of slowing down, being present, and communicating openly with partners to create positive experiences, rather than getting caught up in the pressure to maintain erections or last a certain amount of time.Navigating breaks in intimacy Shay and Cam discuss how the transitions and breaks in physical intimacy, such as moving from the couch to the bedroom or reaching for a condom, can trigger anxiety and the belief that one should maintain an erection at all times. They highlight the importance of normalizing these natural fluctuations and reframing them as opportunities for connection.Advice and resources for men struggling with performance issues Shay and Cam encourage men struggling with performance anxiety to seek support, be patient with themselves, and have faith that it is possible to overcome these challenges. They recommend Shay's performance anxiety quiz as a starting point for self-assessment and provide information on where to find Shay's website and YouTube channel for further resources.Relevant links: Shay Doran's Website: https://shay-doran.com/Shay Doran's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@shay-doran

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Ty Miller, a former sociology and criminology professor turned UX researcher, and a professional wrestler who performs under the persona “Dr. Jordan Tyler.” Ty shares how his passion for storytelling weaves through his academic, creative, and athletic pursuits, and how stepping into an exaggerated wrestling character allows him to explore themes of ego, bravado, and masculinity in a socially acceptable way. We discuss the tension between authenticity and performance, the rise of anti-intellectualism, and how figures—from wrestlers to politicians—use persona to influence perception. Ty also reflects on the performative nature of masculinity, the physical ideals imposed on men, and his efforts to challenge and subvert those norms inside and outside the wrestling ring.Key Points:Introductions and background Cam and Ty introduce themselves and discuss their backgrounds. Ty shares that he is a former sociology and criminology professor who now works in UX research, and is also a professional wrestler who goes by the persona of "Dr. Jordan Tyler". They discuss their shared passion for storytelling and how it connects their various pursuits.Navigating personas and authenticity Cam and Ty explore the tension between their authentic selves and the personas they present, particularly in Ty's wrestling character. They discuss the catharsis and social acceptability of embodying an exaggerated, arrogant version of oneself, and how that differs from public figures like Donald Trump who blur the line between character and reality.The rise of anti-intellectualism Ty shares his experiences as an academic facing skepticism and dismissal of his expertise, and how he has grappled with that in his wrestling persona. They discuss the broader societal trend of anti-intellectualism, and how figures like Trump have capitalized on it by positioning themselves as anti-elitist while wielding real power.Masculinity and performativity Ty and Cam delve into the complex relationship between masculinity, performance, and identity. They explore how traditional notions of masculinity are socially constructed, the pressures wrestlers face to conform to certain physical ideals, and Ty's efforts to challenge and subvert those norms through his wrestling persona and content.Recap and next steps Cam and Ty wrap up the conversation, with Ty expressing gratitude for the community of men working to promote healthier masculinity. They discuss plans to continue their dialogue and collaboration in the future.Relevant Links:Instagram and TikTok: @jordantylerpro_

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Pierre Fleury, a violence prevention educator who specializes in domestic and dating violence, with a strong focus on engaging young men in conversations about healthy relationships and gender-based violence. Pierre shares his personal and professional insights into how rigid ideas of masculinity—what he calls the “man box”—contribute to harmful behaviors like aggression, emotional suppression, and the misuse of relationships for status. We explore the resistance many young men show toward this work, the appeal of red-pill rhetoric online, and why it’s critical to meet boys where they are with diverse, relatable messengers. Pierre offers practical strategies for educators, parents, and influencers to promote positive, respectful masculinity in both offline spaces and algorithm-driven online worlds.Key Points: Introductions and backgroundPierre Fleury introduced himself as a violence prevention educator who specializes in domestic and dating violence, particularly intimate partner violence. He shared that much of his work involves educating young people on healthy relationships and engaging men to prevent gender-based violence.Unpacking masculinity and the "man box" Cam and Pierre discussed their personal experiences with the rigid cultural scripts around masculinity, and how they have both grappled with the pressure to conform to certain masculine ideals. They explored how this can lead to harmful behaviors like bullying and aggression as a means of maintaining one's status in the masculine hierarchy.Challenges in educating young men Pierre described the common resistance he encounters when working with young men, who often want to know how the new messaging will help them attract romantic partners. He emphasized the importance of shifting the mindset away from using relationships as a reward, and instead focusing on becoming a genuine, healthy person.The need for diverse messengers Cam and Pierre discussed the value of having a variety of messengers, both male and female, to reach young men with messages about healthy masculinity. They acknowledged that some boys may be more receptive to certain messengers over others based on factors like age, background, and shared interests.The prevalence and spread of harmful masculinity rhetoric Pierre observed that the "red pill" ideology and other harmful masculinity messaging is not new, but has become more widespread and accessible online, often being subtly woven into various types of content. He highlighted how the algorithms of social media platforms can contribute to the proliferation of this rhetoric.Strategies for promoting positive masculinity Cam and Pierre discussed ways to leverage social media algorithms to amplify more constructive messaging around masculinity, such as parents being mindful of their children's online content and influencers using thoughtful hashtags. They also emphasized the importance of creating supportive communities for young men to explore new ways of being.Relevant links: Pierre Fleury's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pierrefleury_?

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Michael Brasher, a passionate men's work facilitator and community organizer. Michael’s journey began while working at a domestic violence shelter, where his exposure to a men’s education program transformed his understanding of masculinity and violence. Since then, he has devoted his life to violence prevention and creating spaces for men to heal, grow, and reconnect with their emotional lives. Michael shares insights from years of running men’s groups, talking circles, and rites of passage experiences for men and boys. We explore the challenges of engaging men in vulnerability, the harmful impacts of traditional masculine norms, and the importance of bridging personal healing with community action. Michael’s work is grounded in compassion, connection, and a vision of masculinity rooted in care and accountability.Key Points: Michael's background and passion for men's work Michael shares his personal story of how working at a domestic violence shelter and going through a men's education program changed his life and set him on a path to devote himself to violence prevention and community organizing to help men understand and heal from the violence they've been incentivized into.Challenges of engaging men in this work Michael discusses how men are often resistant to this type of work, but explains that if the right space and conversation is created, men will open up and be vulnerable. He shares examples of successfully facilitating men's groups and workshops, even with populations like fraternities that are often seen as resistant.The socialization of masculinity and its impacts Michael and Cam explore how traditional masculine norms and expectations are deeply harmful, leading men to disconnect from their emotions and pain. They discuss how this socialization perpetuates cycles of violence and trauma that get passed down generationally.Creating spaces for men to heal and growMichael describes the importance of creating spaces for men to be vulnerable, share their pain, and reimagine healthier versions of masculinity. He shares examples of programs he's run, like weekly talking circles and wilderness rites of passage trips for boys and men.Bridging individual healing and community action Cam and Michael discuss the need to move beyond just individual healing work and into collective action and community organizing to dismantle the systemic issues underlying toxic masculinity. They explore ideas like volunteering at community centers, leading group trips, and building intergenerational relationships.Overcoming resistance and criticismThey acknowledge the challenges of facing criticism and resistance, especially around perceptions of men working with boys. They emphasize the importance of being grounded in one's community and values, and not letting fear of judgment prevent doing important work.Michael's ongoing programs and resources Michael shares information about his ongoing work, including his social media presence, monthly men's talking circles, and upcoming book club discussions - all aimed at providing spaces for men to heal, grow, and build healthier relationships.Relevant links: Website: https://www.lifeunboundcoaching.com/Instagram: @lifeunboundcoaching

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Elle Thielke. Elle is a Melbourne-based sexologist and former sex worker with a passion for men’s health and wellbeing. Drawing on her lived experience in the industry, Elle brings a unique and deeply informed perspective to conversations around masculinity, porn, and authentic sexual expression. Together, we explore the barriers that prevent men from being open about their desires, the impact of shame and gendered socialisation, and how to reframe common narratives around porn “addiction.” Elle also shares insights on ethical and embodied porn consumption, the importance of media literacy, and the urgent need for comprehensive, sex-positive education that reflects real-world experiences. Key Points: Introductions and backgroundsElle Thielke introduces herself as a sexologist from Melbourne with a background as a former worker. She is passionate about men's health and wellbeing, and has gained deep insights from her experiences working in the industry. Cam Fraser shares his own personal journey and interest in masculinity and function, noting the lack of support many men feel comfortable seeking.Barriers to authenticity for menElle and Cam discuss the significant barriers men face in being authentic about their , stemming from societal expectations and stigma around masculinity and expression. They explore how gendered socialization, shame, and rigid notions of what it means to be a "real man" create major obstacles for men to explore and understand their .Practical tips for ethical, embodied consumption Cam shares his approach of encouraging clients to engage with in a more intentional, embodied way - maximizing the content, minimizing distractions, and tuning into physical sensations. Elle reinforces the importance of media literacy and understanding the production realities behind pornographic content.Reframing " addiction" and compulsive behaviorsElle and Cam unpack the complex and often misunderstood concepts of " addiction" and compulsive behaviors. They highlight how the language and framing around these issues can be problematic, and emphasize the need for a more nuanced, individualized understanding of people's relationships with and .The need for comprehensive education Elle emphasizes the critical need for comprehensive, -positive education that is developed and delivered by those with direct experience and expertise in . She highlights how current approaches often fail to address the nuanced messages and implications of media and , leaving many people with unrealistic or unhealthy understandings.Relevant LinksWebsite: www.elletsexology.comInstagram: @inthenaughtycorner

On this episode of #mensexpleasure, I chat with Dr. Giselle Woodley. Giselle is a recent PhD graduate and researcher whose work focuses on young people’s perspectives on relationships, sex education, and online harms such as image-based abuse and sextortion. Her research centers youth voices and aims to develop youth-led strategies for navigating digital sexuality and relationships. In our conversation, Giselle shares the nuanced and often-overlooked views that teens hold about pornography, including their desire for ethical, educational content and their frustration with risk-heavy, adult-led education. We also explore the implications of censorship, the importance of listening to young people, and how we can reimagine sex ed to be more inclusive, practical, and pleasure-focused.Key Points: Giselle's background and research focusGiselle introduced herself as Dr. Giselle Woodley, a recent PhD graduate who has been researching teens' perspectives on relationships, education, and online harms like image-based abuse and sextortion. Her work aims to center youth voices and develop youth-led strategies in these areas.Teens' nuanced views onGiselle found that teens have diverse and nuanced views on , rather than simply seeing it as all good or all bad. Many felt adults exaggerate the harms of , while acknowledging potential risks. Teens valued for providing information and education about and relationships that they couldn't get elsewhere.Challenges of adult-led edTeens expressed frustration with the risk-focused, adult-led approach to education, feeling it didn't adequately prepare them for real-world and relationship experiences. They wanted more positive, comprehensive, and skills-based education, including information they could only find in .Teens' desire for ethical Many teens were interested in finding ethical, educational, and relationship-positive pornographic content, but faced barriers like not having access to payment methods or feeling unsure of where to find such content online. They saw a need for more resources in this area.Concerns about censorship and regulationTeens were skeptical of censorship and age verification measures, feeling they would just drive them to use more unregulated online platforms. They saw these approaches as ineffective and potentially making prohibited content more alluring.Recap and future collaborationGiselle and Cam discussed opportunities for further collaboration, including potentially connecting Cam with other researchers in this space like Siobhan Healy Cullen. They agreed the conversation was valuable and looked forward to continuing the dialogue.Relevant link:Giselle Woodley - https://www.ecu.edu.au/schools/arts-and-humanities/staff/profiles/communication-and-culture/ms-giselle-woodley