327: Dreading "Are We Having Sex Tonight?" Try the Menu Mindset Instead

Has sex in your marriage become a yes-or-no question: "Are we having sex tonight?" For one spouse, that question may bring hope and anticipation. For the other, it may feel like a test they're about to pass or fail. When every flirtation, touch, or attempt at closeness seems tied to one expected outcome, both spouses may eventually stop reaching for each other. In this episode, Dan shares how this pass-or-fail dynamic affected his own marriage and introduces a different approach: the "menu mindset." You'll learn three practical ways to create more choice, flexibility, and genuine desire in your intimate relationship—without denying what you want or waiting for your spouse to change first. You'll learn how to: • Build a broader menu of physical and emotional connection • Replace "Are we having sex tonight?" with a better question • Respond to disappointment without withdrawing or applying pressure • Make intimacy feel more playful, pleasurable, and freely chosen Resources Get the Intimacy Menu in the Intimacy Vault--only available until September 30! 323: Roommate Marriage Episode 321: Why Your Libido Disappeared After the Honeymoon Next Level Couples Coaching Program Couples Retreat (April 2027)  

Does sex in your marriage ever feel like a race toward intercourse or orgasm? Dr. Lisa Elieson calls this "baseball sex"—rushing around the bases instead of enjoying where you are. In this episode, she joins Dan to explore sexuality as a creative art: something two people build together, moment by moment, without knowing exactly where it has to lead. You'll learn how slowing down, letting go of a predetermined outcome, and making room for each partner's unique desires can reduce pressure and create more pleasure, connection, and play. They also discuss the anxiety both higher- and lower-desire spouses may carry, why emotional safety matters, and what it means to become emotionally as well as physically naked with your spouse. Want more practical help creating intimacy that works for both of you? The 2026 Intimacy Vault includes our brand new interactive Intimacy Menu, along with Dr. Lisa Elieson's Common Gender Differences in Desire and more than a dozen other resources for deeper emotional and sexual connection. It's only available through September 30, so explore the Vault while you can. Other Resources: Learn more about Lisa on her website Check out our couples retreat coming up this spring! Check out our intimacy and relationship apps! Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.  

The more you pursue your spouse for emotional or sexual connection, the more they seem to pull away—and the harder you try, the worse it gets. Certified sex therapist Dr. Laurie Watson explains why couples get trapped in this pursue-withdraw cycle and how vulnerable, blame-free conversations can begin to change it. We also discuss why trading emotional connection for sex backfires, what women's bodies actually need for pleasure, and why securely attached couples often have the most—and most varied—sex. Resources: Laurie's New Book: Brave Love, Great Sex Couples Retreat Next Level Couples Coaching Our apps   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Why does one spouse keep reaching for more sexually while the other feels responsible for keeping things safe? Dr. Roy Myers, author of Playful Practice, shares what his research with long-term couples revealed about this common dynamic. We explore the relationship between faith and sensuality, why many couples don't actually have a communication problem, and what Roy means when he tells couples to "build a sex room." Resources Learn more about Dr. Roy Myers and his work at ChristianSexuality.net Learn about Roy's book, Playful Practice: Exploring God's Love and Christian Sexuality, on his website Join the free Sextember challenge in the Intimately Us app Learn more about our Couples Retreat Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

If your marriage feels more like a roommate arrangement than a romantic relationship, the problem may not be that you've grown too far apart. It may be that you've become too merged, too careful, and too afraid to disagree. In this episode, Dan explains how avoiding differences to keep the peace slowly drains honesty, intimacy, and desire from a marriage. You'll learn how to recognize the pattern keeping you stuck and use three practical steps—spot it, steady yourself, and switch your step—to begin rebuilding a relationship with room for both of you. Resources mentioned in this episode Download the free Roommate Mode Guide: https://getyourmarriageon.com/roommate-mode-guide/ Learn more about our Couples Retreat: https://getyourmarriageon.com/couples-retreat/ Men's Small-Group Coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/mens-coaching/ Women's Small-Group Coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/womens-small-group-coaching/ Explore more marriage and intimacy resources: https://getyourmarriageon.com/  

Welcome to Marriage Undressed—a live Q&A where Dan Purcell and marriage coach Tammy Camp answer real, anonymous questions about sex, intimacy, and marriage. In this bonus episode, they discuss what to do when one spouse wants more adventure in the bedroom, how to express a desire without creating pressure, and how to handle differences in physical affection without constantly feeling rejected. They also answer candid questions about oral sex, including whether it's necessary for a fulfilling sex life and what to do when one spouse wants it but the other feels uncomfortable. Finally, they discuss rebuilding play and healthy desire when pornography has affected a marriage. Throughout the conversation, Dan and Tammy return to one central principle: great intimacy isn't created by pressuring your spouse to become more like you. It grows when both spouses have the freedom to be honest, make real choices, and create a sexual relationship that belongs to both of them. Want to submit your own anonymous question?  Join us for the next live Marriage Undressed event September 23! Register for the retreat and the men's and women's only groups (starting September 8!): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/

Why does libido feel effortless during the honeymoon phase—and then seem to disappear? After experiencing this pattern in her own relationships, Hannah Johnson, known as The Libido Fairy, set out to understand what allows desire to grow in a long-term relationship. In this episode, she shares practical ways couples can make intimacy more pleasurable, collaborative, and genuinely connecting. You'll learn how to use a 1–10 scale to take the pressure out of initiation, create an intimacy menu, plan sx without making it feel obligatory, and build simple rituals that keep you connected. Hannah also explains some of the most common libido killers—including resentment, exhaustion, nervous-system overload, and intimacy that simply isn't enjoyable—and what to do when your mind wanders during sex. If desire has faded, it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with you or your marriage. Desire can be understood, nurtured, and rebuilt. Resources: Couples Retreat Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Next Level Couples Coaching Our apps Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Is masturbation okay in a Christian marriage? It's a common question, but one many couples are afraid to ask—and few people answer directly. In this episode, Dan offers two practical tests to help you and your spouse decide what is right for your marriage. He also explores the difference between masturbation, lust, and fantasy; potential benefits for intimacy and body awareness; and how to navigate the conversation when you and your spouse disagree. This isn't about handing every couple the same answer. It's about replacing fear and shame with wisdom, openness, and honest communication.

When one spouse wants sex more than the other, both partners can end up feeling hurt—the higher-desire spouse feels rejected, while the lower-desire spouse feels pressured or inadequate. In this episode, sex therapist Dr. Jennifer Litner explains what actually helps couples navigate desire differences. We discuss resentment and emotional repair, duty sex, hormonal and lifestyle factors, the pressure created by sexual scarcity, and why aiming for "good enough sex" can lead to more connection and desire. She also shares a counterintuitive shift for the spouse who is always initiating—and a creative "erotic Pinterest" idea for couples ready to try something new. Resources: Couples Retreat Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Next Level Our apps  

For years, I asked my wife to initiate sex more often because I wanted to feel chosen and desired. Instead, my requests created pressure, scorekeeping, and a cycle that made genuine desire even harder. In this episode, I explain why I stopped asking, what I misunderstood about responsive desire, and how shifting from initiating sex to initiating connection transformed our intimate relationship. We'll talk about desire discrepancies, obligation sex, sexual entitlement, emotional connection, and how to express what you want without treating your spouse's body—or desire—as something you're owed. Resources: Couples Retreat Waitlist Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Spark'd App Intimately Us App