323: How to get out of "Roommate Mode" in marriage

Why does one spouse keep reaching for more sexually while the other feels responsible for keeping things safe? Dr. Roy Myers, author of Playful Practice, shares what his research with long-term couples revealed about this common dynamic. We explore the relationship between faith and sensuality, why many couples don't actually have a communication problem, and what Roy means when he tells couples to "build a sex room." Resources Learn more about Dr. Roy Myers and his work at ChristianSexuality.net Learn about Roy's book, Playful Practice: Exploring God's Love and Christian Sexuality, on his website Join the free Sextember challenge in the Intimately Us app Learn more about our Couples Retreat Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

If your marriage feels more like a roommate arrangement than a romantic relationship, the problem may not be that you've grown too far apart. It may be that you've become too merged, too careful, and too afraid to disagree. In this episode, Dan explains how avoiding differences to keep the peace slowly drains honesty, intimacy, and desire from a marriage. You'll learn how to recognize the pattern keeping you stuck and use three practical steps—spot it, steady yourself, and switch your step—to begin rebuilding a relationship with room for both of you. Resources mentioned in this episode Download the free Roommate Mode Guide: https://getyourmarriageon.com/roommate-mode-guide/ Learn more about our Couples Retreat: https://getyourmarriageon.com/couples-retreat/ Men's Small-Group Coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/mens-coaching/ Women's Small-Group Coaching: https://getyourmarriageon.com/womens-small-group-coaching/ Explore more marriage and intimacy resources: https://getyourmarriageon.com/  

Welcome to Marriage Undressed—a live Q&A where Dan Purcell and marriage coach Tammy Camp answer real, anonymous questions about sex, intimacy, and marriage. In this bonus episode, they discuss what to do when one spouse wants more adventure in the bedroom, how to express a desire without creating pressure, and how to handle differences in physical affection without constantly feeling rejected. They also answer candid questions about oral sex, including whether it's necessary for a fulfilling sex life and what to do when one spouse wants it but the other feels uncomfortable. Finally, they discuss rebuilding play and healthy desire when pornography has affected a marriage. Throughout the conversation, Dan and Tammy return to one central principle: great intimacy isn't created by pressuring your spouse to become more like you. It grows when both spouses have the freedom to be honest, make real choices, and create a sexual relationship that belongs to both of them. Want to submit your own anonymous question?  Join us for the next live Marriage Undressed event September 23! Register for the retreat and the men's and women's only groups (starting September 8!): https://getyourmarriageon.com/events/

Why does libido feel effortless during the honeymoon phase—and then seem to disappear? After experiencing this pattern in her own relationships, Hannah Johnson, known as The Libido Fairy, set out to understand what allows desire to grow in a long-term relationship. In this episode, she shares practical ways couples can make intimacy more pleasurable, collaborative, and genuinely connecting. You'll learn how to use a 1–10 scale to take the pressure out of initiation, create an intimacy menu, plan sx without making it feel obligatory, and build simple rituals that keep you connected. Hannah also explains some of the most common libido killers—including resentment, exhaustion, nervous-system overload, and intimacy that simply isn't enjoyable—and what to do when your mind wanders during sex. If desire has faded, it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with you or your marriage. Desire can be understood, nurtured, and rebuilt. Resources: Couples Retreat Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Next Level Couples Coaching Our apps Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Is masturbation okay in a Christian marriage? It's a common question, but one many couples are afraid to ask—and few people answer directly. In this episode, Dan offers two practical tests to help you and your spouse decide what is right for your marriage. He also explores the difference between masturbation, lust, and fantasy; potential benefits for intimacy and body awareness; and how to navigate the conversation when you and your spouse disagree. This isn't about handing every couple the same answer. It's about replacing fear and shame with wisdom, openness, and honest communication.

When one spouse wants sex more than the other, both partners can end up feeling hurt—the higher-desire spouse feels rejected, while the lower-desire spouse feels pressured or inadequate. In this episode, sex therapist Dr. Jennifer Litner explains what actually helps couples navigate desire differences. We discuss resentment and emotional repair, duty sex, hormonal and lifestyle factors, the pressure created by sexual scarcity, and why aiming for "good enough sex" can lead to more connection and desire. She also shares a counterintuitive shift for the spouse who is always initiating—and a creative "erotic Pinterest" idea for couples ready to try something new. Resources: Couples Retreat Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Next Level Our apps  

For years, I asked my wife to initiate sex more often because I wanted to feel chosen and desired. Instead, my requests created pressure, scorekeeping, and a cycle that made genuine desire even harder. In this episode, I explain why I stopped asking, what I misunderstood about responsive desire, and how shifting from initiating sex to initiating connection transformed our intimate relationship. We'll talk about desire discrepancies, obligation sex, sexual entitlement, emotional connection, and how to express what you want without treating your spouse's body—or desire—as something you're owed. Resources: Couples Retreat Waitlist Men's and Women's Only Coaching  Spark'd App Intimately Us App

When work, kids, meals, schedules, and the never-ending mental checklist take everything you have, intimacy can start to feel like one more task. Amy Nesbit knows that tension firsthand. After nearly 20 years as a working professional—including time at Apple—she has learned how making the invisible load visible, asking for help before resentment builds, and protecting the parts of herself that bring her joy have strengthened her marriage. Amy also shares the unexpectedly spicy habit that gave her and her husband something new to talk about, why support can be one of the sexiest gifts in a marriage, and how she approaches age-appropriate, values-based conversations about sex with her children. If you're tired, touched out, and carrying too much, this conversation will help you make room for connection without adding more guilt to your plate. Learn more about Amy: Whole Wellness Mama. Resources Next Level Couples Coaching Program  Men's Only and Women's Only coaching programs Our apps: Intimately Us, Just Between Us, and Spark'd Get on the waitlist for our spring retreat! Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Most couples think they know what's hurting their marriage. Poor communication. Different sex drives. Parenting disagreements. Financial stress. Growing apart. That's exactly what one couple thought, too. After 18 years of marriage, they came to Dan convinced they knew what needed fixing. But as they peeled back the layers, they uncovered a deeper problem—one neither of them had recognized—and that discovery changed everything. In this episode, Dan shares the surprising reframe that brought new hope to their marriage. Along the way, you'll discover why some conflicts keep repeating, how hidden struggles can quietly shape your relationship, and why God's grace is far more powerful than many of us realize. If your marriage feels stuck or you're tired of having the same arguments over and over, this episode offers a hopeful perspective that just might change the way you see your relationship—and yourself. And if you'd like further help, you can check out the resources on our website, including our Next Level Couples Coaching Program, Men's Only and Women's Only coaching programs, and our apps: Intimately Us, Just Between Us, and Spark'd.

Shame thrives in secrecy—but healing doesn't. In this deeply honest conversation, Dan sits down with Craig Perra, a former attorney whose secret life of pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, and compulsive sexual behavior nearly destroyed everything he cared about. After years of trying therapy, recovery groups, and identifying himself as a "sex addict," Craig reached a breaking point. What happened next completely changed how he viewed healing. Together, Dan and Craig explore why destructive behaviors often serve as coping strategies, how shame can keep us trapped, and why true healing begins with self-leadership instead of self-hatred. They discuss: • Why all behavior is need-seeking behavior • The hidden role shame plays in compulsive sexual behavior • Why some experts are moving away from the "sex addiction" label • How Parts Work helps people understand—not fight—themselves • The difference between suppressing urges and building real integrity • Practical hope for anyone feeling stuck in cycles of secrecy Whether you're personally struggling, supporting a spouse, or simply trying to understand how lasting change happens, this episode offers a compassionate and thought-provoking perspective on healing. And if you'd like futher help creating lasting change, check out how you can work with Dan and his team to reach your goals. Resources: Free offer from Craig: Text "Dan sent me" to 877-356-5573 for a free pdf of Craig's 175 page workbook on breaking bad habits and addictions. You can also find Craig Perra at these other locations: Patterns of Power Podcast The Mindful Habit System Instagram YouTube Facebook  Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.