Ep. 426: [Soapbox] The Power of the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Host Jessa Zimmerman shares a personal story from a coaching workshop to illustrate how the meaning we assign to events shapes our emotions, physiology, behavior, and ultimately our results. After waiting two hours to ask her mentor James a question and losing her chance when the room closed, Jessa initially felt angry and resentful, blaming another attendee for taking too long. By the time she reached the elevator, she experimented with a different interpretation—maybe others needed the conversation, maybe it served a greater good, and maybe she didn’t need to ask that night—and her body relaxed and her mood shifted. She later realized she found her own answer, and at a later workshop James remembered and called on her first. Jessa invites listeners to notice their relationship stories, choose alternative thoughts that help them show up better, and create different outcomes.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:45 Soapbox Episode Setup01:08 Workshop Question Build Up02:03 Two Hour Wait Frustration02:57 Cut Off at Midnight03:45 Reframing the Story05:19 Lesson on Mindset Cycles06:33 Try New Thoughts06:57 Outro and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book –https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman welcomes Andre Lazarus back to discuss delayed ejaculation, defining it as a consistent difficulty reaching ejaculation that becomes a concern when it bothers the person or impacts the relationship. Andre describes common contributing factors including medications (such as SSRIs), alcohol and other substances, masturbation habits, and physiological issues, but notes that many people can ejaculate during self-pleasure and struggle mainly with a partner due to psychological pressure and performance expectations. They explore how partners may misinterpret delayed ejaculation as lack of attraction, how focusing on pleasing a partner can disconnect someone from their own sensation, and how communication and “selfish” attention to one’s own pleasure can help. Andre emphasizes de-shaming, reducing goal pressure, and calming the nervous system through simple, patient breathing, and shares ways to work with him through workshops, his Talented Lover course, and coaching at coming-closer.com.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex01:22 Delayed Ejaculation Defined03:25 Real Life Patterns06:42 Pressure and Nervous System08:31 Selfish Pleasure and Feedback13:19 Masculinity and Performance Myths18:59 Partner Support Without Pressure20:58 Calming the Nervous System22:47 Where to Find Andre24:38 Final Wrap UpFind Jessa’s resources for mismatched libido at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio: Andre Lazarus is a Somatic Intimacy Guide and media-recognised voice on relationships, sexuality, and embodied connection. His career has followed an unconventional path: from serving in the U.S. Marines to guiding people through the complexities of intimacy and desire. That breadth of experience gives him a distinctive perspective on courage, vulnerability, and human connection.He is best known for his role on the UK television series Virgin Island, where he appeared as a professional surrogate partner helping participants confront intimacy challenges alongside licensed therapists. The program drew national attention, and Andre’s presence on screen highlighted how intimacy work is not about performance but about safety, consent, and the courage to connect.Through his practice, Coming Closer, Andre supports individuals and couples across a wide range of needs: men facing midlife performance concerns, survivors of trauma seeking safety, long-term partners wanting to revive passion, and those exploring alternatives such as ethical non-monogamy. Equally, he works with couples committed to monogamy who want to strengthen trust and rediscover each other. His approach, rooted in the Somatica® Method of sex and intimacy coaching, emphasises learning through the body and replacing shame with curiosity.While Andre has also taught workshops introducing kink and alternative practices, he situates them within a broader conversation: how people of all backgrounds can embrace intimacy as part of their wellbeing. His message consistently comes back to honesty, communication, and self-awareness as the foundations for connection.Today, Andre balances private coaching, workshops, and a men’s online course on sexual communication with growing media visibility, including the upcoming second season of Virgin Island.www.coming-closer.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book –https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this soapbox episode of the Better Sex Podcast, host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman suggests couples create explicit relationship agreements—written down and revisited during hard moments—rather than assuming they share the same expectations. Inspired by classroom agreements used at the start of a college sexuality course, Jessa proposes making agreements when partners feel calm and connected, then using them as a guide during difficult conversations. She offers five sample agreements: assume goodwill and give your partner the benefit of the doubt; use “I” statements instead of blame; approach conflict with curiosity; give yourselves permission to mess up and return gently to the agreements; and practice accountability by owning your own contributions and mistakes first before inviting your partner to do the same.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:46 Why Make Agreements02:12 Write Them Down02:29 Assume Goodwill03:00 Use I Statements03:30 Lead With Curiosity04:07 Permission to Mess Up04:43 Accountability Matters05:49 Try This at Home06:22 Closing and CreditsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book –https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman talks with Robert Johnson and Anna Osman from Shameless Care about common gaps in “full panel” STI testing and why site-specific screening matters, especially throat swabs for gonorrhea and chlamydia. Robert shares how an asymptomatic oral gonorrhea infection went undetected through standard testing and how limited clinician awareness and testing workflows contribute to missed infections; Anna explains there’s no single comprehensive “magic button” test and missed swabs are common in busy clinics. They discuss HPV’s site specificity and the importance of vaccination, differences in treating oral vs genital gonorrhea (including the need for retesting), and how reducing shame and improving education can make sex safer and more enjoyable. They outline Shameless Care’s telehealth model, at-home 14-panel kits (including oral and anal swabs and dried blood spot testing), prescriptions for treatable STIs, sexual-function treatments (including options for women), doxycycline PEP for post-exposure risk reduction, window periods, and the value of thoroughness over frequency in testing.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:44 Meet Shameless Care01:35 The Missed Throat Swab05:03 Why Full Panels Fail05:58 Oral STIs and HPV08:51 Treatment and Retesting09:22 Shame Free Sexual Health11:57 Beyond Testing Services15:47 Telehealth Privacy Screening18:13 At Home STI Kit20:12 Doxy PEP Explained22:47 Testing Timing and Windows27:04 Cost Panels and Advocacy28:47 No Subscriptions Promise29:40 Sharing Results With Partners31:32 Closing and CreditsSubscribe to Jessa on Substack: https://www.intimacywithease.com/substackBio:Robert Johnson is the founder of Shameless Care, a telehealth company dedicated to making sexual healthcare more accessible, more transparent, and free of judgment. After discovering that his own STI had been missed because it wasn’t tested at the correct anatomical site, he set out to help solve a problem he believes affects millions of people: too many people never get the sexual healthcare they need, and many don’t even realize it.Today, Shameless Care connects people with board-certified physicians, custom medications, and comprehensive laboratory testing right on their phones. Through educational videos, podcast appearances, and public speaking, Robert challenges common misconceptions about sexual health and telemedicine, with the goal of helping people make informed decisions and enjoy healthier, more confident sex lives.Grab your discount with code Better15 at https://shamelesscare.sjv.io/m4rrBeWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book –https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman shares a Soapbox episode outlining 17 reasons a man might have low desire, emphasizing that only one is responsive desire. She covers performance anxiety, low testosterone, needing emotional connection and safety, intimidation by a partner’s sexuality, lack of experience or confidence, neurodiversity or touch sensitivity, relying only on physical attraction, erotic mismatch, stress, mental health concerns, medication side effects, shame or guilt, exhaustion, trauma, aging or changes in sexual functioning, and the possibility that lower libido is simply how he is. Jessa notes that identifying obstacles can help access more of a person’s potential desire, but there is no single “normal” amount of desire and partners may need to bridge libido differences.00:00 Better Sex Intro00:45 Soapbox Setup01:21 Anxiety And Hormones02:01 Connection And Confidence03:28 Sensory And Attraction04:14 Mismatch And Responsive Desire05:04 Stress Mental Health Meds06:00 Shame Exhaustion Trauma Aging06:56 Low Libido Is Normal07:58 Wrap Up And Credits Work with Jessa:https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Anthony Silard, Ph.D is a professor of leadership and the Director of the Center for Sustainable Leadership at Luiss Business School in Rome. Anthony has provided leadership development coaching and training to thousands of CEOs and senior executives of Fortune 100 companies, small businesses, and the world’s largest nonprofits, including GE, Disney, Nokia, Bank of America, IBM, CARE, Save the Children, and the American Red Cross.Anthony has also coached political leaders, including G-20 cabinet ministers. He has taught leadership at various universities around the world, including IESE Business School, Claremont McKenna College, the Monterrey Institute of Technology, INCAE Business School, California State University San Bernardino and the International University of Catalonia and has lectured on leadership at Harvard, Stanford, Georgetown, the University of California at Berkeley, George Washington University, Cal Poly Pomona, and ESADE Business School.Anthony has received numerous awards for his work, including Harvard’s Robert F. Kennedy Public Service Award, was named Visionary of the Year by the PBS series The Visionaries, and was featured at the Presidential Summit for America’s Future and America’s Promise. Anthony holds a PhD in leader- ship from IESE Business School, which he received with First-Class/Excellent Distinction, a Master’s in Public Policy focused on leadership from Harvard University, and a BA from the University of California at Berkeley.He also served in the Peace Corps in Kenya for two years. Anthony is CEO of the Global Leadership Institute and President of the Center for Social Leadership. He lives with his wife and two children in Rome.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooksWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz –https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book –https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host Jessa Zimmerman talks with Doug Noll, a former trial lawyer turned peacemaker, about reframing vulnerability as strength through lessons from Tai Chi: the softer you are, the stronger you are, and the more vulnerable you are, the more powerful you are. Doug defines vulnerability as staying open, compassionate, and non-defended in any emotional situation, and explains how cultural conditioning and emotionally invalidating parenting teach people to suppress feelings, build walls, and struggle with intimacy. He describes “affect labeling” (precisely naming emotions) as a neuroscience-based method to calm a dysregulated nervous system, create emotional safety, and reduce fights by helping partners feel heard. Doug shares prison program examples and a “Buddha bubble” practice (non-critical, non-judgmental, non-reactive) and offers resources including his Deescalate Academy, Substack, and books.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:46 Meet Doug Noll02:42 Tai Chi Paradoxes03:35 From Lawyer to Peacemaker06:01 Early Life and Armor08:19 Defining Vulnerability10:21 Why We Fear Emotions14:13 Gender and Connection17:54 Signs Youre Armored Up19:10 Safety Enables Vulnerability20:52 Affect Labeling Method22:43 Doing It Exactly Right23:40 Fear Based Objections24:49 Self Generated Safety25:16 Affect Labeling Basics27:11 Prison Proof Stories30:11 Motivation And Mindset31:44 End Conflict Patterns33:59 Soft Power Tai Chi36:07 Buddha Bubble Practice40:46 Beyond Active Listening44:10 Resources And Wrap UpWant to work with Jessa? https://www.intimacywithease.comBio:Doug Noll, JD, MA is a Distinguished Fellow of the International Academy of Mediators, the world's most prestigious mediation organization, and recipient of IAM's Syd Leezak Award of Excellence. Named California Lawyer Attorney of the Year (2012) and Best Lawyers in America Lawyer of the Year (2013), he was a Purpose Prize Fellow for pioneering the Prison of Peace program, teaching emotional literacy to violent offenders in maximum security facilities over 10 years (2010-2020).As Adjunct Professor at Pepperdine University's Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution (ranked #1 in the nation), Doug teaches graduate courses on decision-making under stress and conflict resolution. Doug is the author of four books, including the bestselling De-Escalate (45,000+ copies, translated into five languages) and the forthcoming book, Empathy Leadership: The Powerful Skill that Drives Winning Results (Atria Books/Beyond Words, Sept. 8, 2026).Doug delivered a TEDx talk entitled “How to Listen Someone into Existence” at TEDxApex in Apex, North Carolina on April 18, [email protected] at skooldougnoll.substack.comWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this Soapbox episode of Better Sex, host Jessa Zimmerman discusses infidelity and what affair recovery can look like. Jessa frames cheating as a “bad solution to a problem” and outlines key milestones for rebuilding trust: the partner who cheated doing a “dark night of the soul” examination of how they could act out of integrity, including both the internal factors (compartmentalizing, self-talk, lack of skills to address issues directly) and the practical mechanics and slippery-slope behaviors that enabled the affair. She emphasizes sharing this excavation with the betrayed partner as part of demonstrated change over time. Jessa also addresses the underlying problem the affair attempted to solve—needs, validation, erotic interests, or relationship/sex-life issues—while noting that leaving or renegotiating agreements is more integrous than cheating.00:00 Show Intro00:45 Why Affairs Happen01:44 Cheating as Bad Fix02:21 Dark Night Reflection04:31 Logistics and Slippery Slope05:30 Rebuilding Trust Together06:11 What Need Was Missing07:28 Integrity Going Forward08:10 Wrap Up and OutroWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode of the Better Sex Podcast, sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Dr. Anna Elton about her book The Formula of Desire and why desire commonly fades in long-term relationships. Elton shares how her research interviewing over 700 couples led to frameworks and assessments for relational desire, emphasizing that desire often declines or gets redirected (to other people, parenting, careers, or self-focus) when couples stop cultivating the conditions for intimacy. They discuss spontaneous vs. responsive desire, the importance of anticipation, addressing resentment and emotional disconnection, and how neglecting the “couple persona” can leave partners stuck in logistics and family roles. Elton also explains how rigid sexual scripts create stagnation and offers strategies like flirting, novelty, and conversation starters. She introduces six “erotic currencies”—initiation, seduction, imagination, receptivity, validation, and mystery—and points listeners to assessments and exercises (including A-to-Z date nights) at theformulaofdesire.com.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Meet Dr Anna Elton03:16 Why Desire Fades05:09 Spontaneous Versus Responsive07:47 Desire Redirected Elsewhere10:08 Three Selves Balance14:29 Neglect And Quiet Quitting17:11 Mid Episode Quizzes17:38 Sexual Scripts Explained18:40 Break Routine Together18:55 Fantasy Jar Icebreakers19:49 Flirting And Lightness21:46 Chores And Mental Load22:28 Courage To Address Fear23:53 Assessments To Start Talking25:26 Six Erotic Currencies25:38 Initiation And Seduction28:23 Imagination And Receptivity29:18 Validation And Mystery Dates31:25 Tools And A To Z DatesJessa's quizzes are available at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Dr. Anna Elton, LMFT, CST, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, clinical sexologist, speaker, educator, and author of The Formula of Desire: What Brings Us Together and Drives Us Apart, and the Science of Connection (New Harbinger Publications). With more than 15 years of experience working with individuals, couples, and families, she specializes in relationships, intimacy, desire, communication, and emotional connection. Dr. Elton teaches doctoral students in clinical sexology and is a sought-after speaker who has presented nationally and internationally, including in Canada, Italy, Japan, and Australia. Her expertise has been featured in TIME, Reader's Digest, Real Simple, Psychology Today, Newsweek, Parade, ELLE, and numerous other media outlets. She has also appeared as a relationship expert on PBS, ABC, FOX, and NBC. Through her clinical work, research, writing, and speaking, Dr. Elton is dedicated to helping people build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Host and sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman addresses “sex that’s not worth having,” focusing on situations where a lower-desire partner begrudgingly offers sex with clear disinterest, disconnect, or even hostility. She distinguishes this from reactive desire, where someone starts with openness to getting in the mood. Zimmerman explains that going through the motions is unfulfilling for both partners, can push the lower-desire partner further from desire, and reinforces the belief that the higher-desire partner only wants release. She recommends turning down or stopping sex when it feels like work, trudging, or checking out, and communicating in a grounded, collaborative way that sex needs to work for both people. The goal is to insist on conversations and change that help both partners find reasons to genuinely want intimacy.00:00 Show Intro00:46 Sex Not Worth Having01:21 Reactive Desire Vs Duty Sex02:12 When Sex Feels Hostile03:52 Why Accepting Hurts Both04:51 How To Say No Kindly05:40 Insist On Mutual Pleasure06:10 Outro And Next StepsWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Michelle Fischler about her upcoming book, “Coming Soon: The Unshaming Guide to Early Ejaculation and Lasting Longer,” arguing early/rapid ejaculation is fundamentally a shame issue and nervous system pattern, not a performance problem. Fischler describes how cultural messages about masculinity, family, media, and porn create meaning-making that turns timing into identity-based shame, which undermines follow-through on techniques. She outlines an “unshaming” process that externalizes shame by noticing it in the body, building awareness and safety, and then adding strategies such as diaphragmatic breathing (linked to reduced arousal and longer latency), mindfulness, solo practice with start–pause training, sensate focus–informed couple exercises, communication, and options like SSRIs and desensitizing sprays. She emphasizes sex as a “team sport,” pleasure over timing, and practical resources available at getsome.ca.00:00 Show Intro and Guest01:20 Michelle Origin Story03:55 Rapid Ejaculation and Shame08:24 Where Masculinity Myths Come From10:58 Unshaming Through the Body14:19 Therapy Example Externalizing Shame18:41 Sponsor Break Desire Discrepancy19:07 New Narrative and Root Messages21:52 Anxiety Nervous System and Breath25:14 Safety and Context26:54 Partner Involvement28:45 Communication Over Timing30:04 Evidence Based Tools31:19 Mindfulness and Practice33:46 Solo Training Methods35:41 Couples Sensate Focus37:29 Presence Not Distraction39:24 Shame Is Universal40:20 Book Launch and Resources44:30 Website and Tools45:59 Closing and CreditsAll of Jessa's resources for mismatched libido can be found at https://www.desirediscrepancy.comBio:Michelle Fischler, RSW, RP, is an ASTO Certified Sex Therapist with over a decade of clinical experience, educator, and founder of GETSOME (https://getsome.ca/), a platform and podcast dedicated to dissolving sexual shame. She believes that when we unshame sex, we free people not just in bed, but in life.Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com/iwecourseThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclassIntimacy with Ease is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe