Ep 196: Why You’re Scared of Healthy Love (Even Though You Swear That’s What You Want)

Everybody talks about wanting a man who COMMUNICATES, who’s HONEST, who CHOOSES YOU wholeheartedly… Until one actually shows up. And you go running like your f*cking ass is on fire. If you grew up without a secure attachment, your brain is wired to read insecurity as desirable. Which means your brain basically can’t tell the difference between a bear attack and a man telling you he really, really likes you. Sound ridiculous? Yeah, no f*cking kidding. But it’s true. And until you learn how to teach it otherwise, you’re going to keep treating every emotionally available man like he’s trying to eat you…and not in the fun way. So. Let’s get you recalibrated, shall we?   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

If you’ve ever been ugly crying into your pillow, your chest aching like someone f*cking ripped your heart out, and said to yourself, “What the FUCK? I should be over this by now!” …Then this episode is for you, babe. Welcome to the fucking club. I’ve worked with hundreds of women, and all of us—including me—have experienced a similar feeling while going through a breakup: the feeling that we’re taking too long to heal. That we “should have been over this by now.”  Yeah, so, bad news…grief doesn’t give a shit about your schedule. You try to tell it that you’re on Step 5 of your healing journey, so it’s time for it to see itself out? It’s going to tell you to fuck off with its WHOLE chest. Healing isn’t pretty. It isn’t quick. Hell, it doesn’t even go in a straight line. But it does happen…even if you can’t tell it’s happening. Let me tell you how healing ACTUALLY works.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

Do you ACTUALLY want him… Or does he just trigger your daddy wound? Ouch, right? But we really need to talk about it.  I was the QUEEN of daddy issues once upon a time. So trust me when I say I get exactly how addictive this pattern can be…and how f*cking fast we need to clock it, own it, and clean it tf up. If you’re always dating the guy who’s hot and cold with you, the guy who’s there one second and gone the next, the guy whose attention and love you need to EARN… Congrats. You’ve probably got a gaping daddy wound that needs some stitching up…and this is where it starts.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

This one’s going to sting, loves… But we need to talk about feminine energy. Specifically, we need to talk about performative feminine energy. We’re seeing a huge resurgence in embracing feminine energy…and that’s fucking amazing. We love to see it. But with that resurgence, I’m also seeing an upswing in people mistaking performative femininity for actual feminine embodiment. And if you don’t know the difference (or don’t know shit about the feminine, period) don’t stress. We’re going to fix that right tf now.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

“You’re too much.” “You’re too emotional.” “Your standards are too high.” “You’re too picky.” “You’re asking for too much.” RED LIGHT, babe. Hold tf up. Listen to me very, very, very closely. You are not too much. “But Michelle, they said—” I don’t give a shit. “But Michelle, I asked for—” Did I fucking ask? You are not too much. Period. Done. End of conversation.  And if people keep telling you you’re “too much” then…maybe the problem isn’t you. Maybe the problem is that you keep dating the wrong people.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

I hope you have a mirror on hand, babe…because you’re about to take a good, long, hard look at yourself in it. Here’s the thing: if you feel like you’re always attracting the same emotionally unavailable men, I have good news and bad news. The good news? It’s not bad luck—you’re not just shit at picking men. The bad news? It’s actually wired into you to want these kinds of men. “Wait, that sounds worse!” Yeah…sorry. But it’s true. This pattern is wired into your system…and until you figure out how to get the wires uncrossed, you’re going to keep repeating that pattern. But I have more good news—and more bad news. There is a way to break this pattern…if you sit down and acknowledge the actual common denominator in all of your failed relationships. You.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com  

Buckle up and grab the burn cream, everyone… This is the story of how I got f*cking ROASTED by Dr. Gabor Maté. As most of you know, I recently went through a breakup, and there are a lot of f*cking complicated (and even “contrary”) emotions that come with that. So when I got to go and hear Dr. Gabor Maté speak—and then got the incredible opportunity to ask a question—I asked him how to navigate the clash of deep compassion and intense anger toward my partner. And what he had to say? I’m talking third-degree burn shit. Even though it was painful…it was something I really, really needed to hear. And I’m betting a lot of you need to hear it, too.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

So—we’ve talked before about how butterflies in the stomach, not being able to eat, etc. are actually signs of some fucking MAJOR dysregulation, not being in love… But what happens when you DO start avoiding that feeling…and you end up dating someone who’s boring as batshit? On one hand, it is super fucking easy to mistake “safe” for “boring” when you’re used to dating in dysregulation. But on the other…as my guest says on today’s episode, we’re not out here to do charity work. You don’t need to date someone you don’t have any interest in. So how do you tell the difference between obsession, boredom, and actual healthy love? The infamous Sabrina Zohar, relationship and dating coach and absolute brilliant badass, is here to lay it all out for us. You’re going to want to take notes, babe.   WORK WITH SABRINA: Website: https://www.sabrinazohar.com/    CONNECT WITH SABRINA: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sabrina.zohar/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sabrina.zohar  Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/2Dsp24A82JkYRXytiA2qRt?si=gCgNRBDiSZOKkTGh8r_-SA&nd=1&dlsi=0d638797b2134735    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

I got introduced to a new phrase (but not a new idea) by a recent Chappell Roan interview: Walk Away Energy. When asked how she stays so chill despite all her success, Chappell Roan said it was because she has “walk away energy.” And I absolutely had to sit down and talk about that. “Walk away energy”  is similar to the detachment idea we were talking about here recently. It’s the idea that you are never, ever willing to stay in something that is past its expiration date; it’s the concept that you trust yourself enough to walk away from something when it’s over, or when someone isn’t treating you the way you deserve. It’s taking all those thoughts of “But what if this is the best I can get?” and throwing them the f*ck away.  If someone isn’t meeting your standards, you don’t have to stick around and tell them that you deserve to be treated better.  When you have walk away energy, you don’t waste your time begging for the bare minimum. You just walk away. It sounds easier than it is…but once you master it, you’ll find it’s your most powerful tool for attracting the kind of relationship you ACTUALLY deserve.   WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com

It is truly so exciting to watch one of your clients blossom…and my guest this week, Abigail, is a perfect example. Just a short while ago, she was living in her spare bedroom, trying to “fix” herself for the sake of other people…and now, I've witnessed this woman blossom and come into her own as she embodies what it means to be a high-value woman. Too many of you think that these kinds of transformations aren’t possible for you…which is why it’s important to hear these stories from people who have actually DONE the thing.  This work, this change…it’s for everyone. For me, for Abigail…and for you.   WORK WITH ABIGAIL: Arrange a boudoir photography session with Abigail: www.gingerephotography.com Get one month FREE working with Abigail in exchange for an honest review! Use coupon code “michellepanning” now:  www.abigailknows.com   CONNECT WITH ABIGAIL:  Listen to my guest episode on Abigail’s podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7l69B9CLs9KeY6zCytd5s1?si=t1WOYUQfQX-_S7L8Kgdr2Q  Abigail’s Instagram: @kaizenlearninglabs, @gingerephotography Abigail’s TikTok: @kaizenlearninglabs, @bosscamp101 The Kaizen Learning Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/64pxVLoQM8DjmjGtK2YgWF?si=_Mo_sEAmSvqAGthC1DqZEg    WORK WITH MICHELLE:  Join THE CONNECTED WOMAN, a shadow work course for the woman who is ready to break free from the anxious/avoidant dance in relationships and step into unfuckwithable confidence, security, and self-worth: https://michellepanning.com/the-connected-woman Sign up for THE EXPERIENCE, an exclusive 12-month mentorship experience where you go all in on YOU (aka, you get direct access to me as a mentor, access to every offer I run over your year, and MORE): https://michellepanning.com/the-experience   CONNECT WITH MICHELLE: Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/michellepanning Website: http://www.michellepanning.com