When Approval Becomes Addition: The Cost Of Praise #44

It all started with a gold star. A single shining sticker on a kindergarten chart that—without me realizing it—began rewiring my understanding of love, worth, and motivation. In this episode of The Whole Parent Podcast, we dive into the hidden cost of praise—why “good job” might be doing more harm than good, and how something as innocent as a sticker chart can turn play into performance.Drawing on groundbreaking research from psychologists like Edward Deci and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, I unravel how extrinsic rewards shift our kids’ focus from curiosity to compliance…and why this shift often leaves adults feeling hollow, disconnected, and trapped in perfection.Through personal stories and parenting insights (including an unforgettable block tower moment with my son), we explore what happens when we stop praising kids for performing and start truly seeing them instead. If you've ever wondered whether we’re raising children who chase approval instead of wonder, this episode is for you.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why praise can undermine confidence and creativityThe difference between being seen and being evaluatedHow to encourage intrinsic motivation in your kids—and yourselfA new language of love that sounds nothing like “good job”Let’s trade gold stars for presence—and rediscover the quiet magic of being enough, just as we are.Send us a textSupport the show

A grainy home video from 1993 opens a door many parents avoid: the thin line where love and control blur. From that single forced smile, we follow the thread into cognitive dissonance, exploring why we promise ourselves we won’t yell and still end up yelling, and why small justifications feel so necessary when our identity as a “good parent” is on the line. Leon Festinger’s doomsday research gives language to our everyday contradictions, showing how, when identity is threatened, we don’t change our minds.... we change reality.We bring this science home with two stories. Lisa’s body remembers what her beliefs reject, and the old neural pathways fire when her child pushes back. Then Tina Payne Bryson shares a vivid, practical moment at a “sticky theater,” modeling how to regulate first, lead with curiosity, validate a child’s feeling, and hold the boundary without collapsing into punishment. The method is simple but not easy: calm nervous systems, shorter stories, cleaner choices, and consistent repair when we miss. Shame tightens the loop; curiosity loosens it.There’s a deeper conflict beneath tactics: loyalty. When Daniel chooses a new approach and his mom hears, “So we did it all wrong,” the tension isn’t about timeouts—it’s about belonging and gratitude. We talk about honoring our parents’ love while retiring what harmed us, letting love and harm share the same page. That lens scales up to national myths too, where competing truths demand better storytelling. The payoff is quiet and powerful: a parent who almost prompts a thank you—and waits. The child thanks on his own. The cycle doesn’t shatter; it thins, and light gets through.If this conversation gave you a new way to see your past or a tool to try tonight, tap follow, leave a quick review, and share this episode with one parent who needs it. Your recommendation helps more families find practical calm and truthful hope.Send us a textSupport the show

This is one of my shorter mini-episodes where I read this weeks Substack article. We answer here the simple and yet extremely common question "What are we supposed to do when our kid hits us or someone else?" If you would like to support my work consider subscribing on Substack for $5 per month.It is the best way to support my work and keep the podcast episodes coming!Send us a textSupport the show

Stories aren’t just how we pass time—they’re how we pass on what it means to be human. We sit down with librarian and children’s literature expert Betsy Bird to unpack why reading aloud is more than a bedtime ritual. It’s brain food during the fastest phase of neural growth; a daily practice that builds language, attention, and the social skill that holds every relationship together: empathy.We dive into research showing how literary fiction boosts theory of mind, helping kids understand that other people think and feel differently than they do. That skill matters in a polarized world where algorithms reward outrage and flatten nuance. Books slow us down long enough to inhabit another mind—what author John Green calls “shrinking the empathy gap.” We also confront the rise of organized book bans: why diverse stories and queer themes draw fire, how librarians already vet collections for age and quality, and what censorship really fears—children learning to perspective-take beyond the boundaries someone else drew for them.Betsy shares three unforgettable picture books parents can use tonight. The Rabbit Listened models presence over fixing;  Sorry You Got Mad turns a bad apology into a real one; Touch the Sky reframes perseverance as a long, honest process. Along the way, we honor Banned Books Week as a reminder to protect access to complex stories. If this conversation sparked an idea or gave you something to try with your kids, subscribe, leave a quick review, and share this episode with one parent who’d love it. Your recommendation helps other families find the show—and keeps the circle of stories alive.Send us a textSupport the show

My oldest son couldn’t read at seven. And me? I was writing a parenting book for a major publisher. Being asked to speak to thousands of parents. Teaching emotional development, brain-based learning, and motivation. The irony wasn’t lost on me.In this episode, I tells the vulnerable and surprising story of how we stopped trying to teach how to read, and started teaching why to read instead. What happened next wasn’t magic. It was science, patience, and a little bit of kiwi bird trivia.Along the way, I share:Why panic over “late readers” is often just parental shark musicThe real reason traditional reading instruction fails so many kidsWhat it looked like to let go of benchmarks and trust the processHow a graphic novel cracked everything openAnd why motivation, not instruction, is the foundation of literacyIf you’ve ever worried your child is falling behind… this episode is a deep breath. Not because everything resolves perfectly. But because it reminds you what matters most.“I don’t think we have a how problem in education. I think we have a why problem.”🎧 Listen now for the story, the science, and the shift that changed everything.Send us a textSupport the show

Key Links:📖 Get My Book: Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice – Available Now📖 Get Alfie Kohn's Books: Unconditional Parenting and Punished By Rewards  📝 Join My Email List for exclusive insights, parenting tips, and updates – Sign Up HereEpisode Description:What if the very thing we’ve been striving for as parents—obedience—wasn’t actually a virtue? What if, instead of making our kids good, it made them vulnerable?In this episode, we take a hard look at the dangers of unquestioning compliance. We start at the Nuremberg Trials, where Nazi officials defended their crimes with four chilling words: I was just following orders. We revisit the infamous Milgram experiment, where 65% of ordinary people delivered what they believed to be fatal electric shocks—just because an authority figure told them to.Then, we bring it home.How does this obsession with obedience play out in our parenting?With the help of Alfie Kohn—renowned author and parenting expert—we examine why traditional parenting methods prioritize compliance, why that might be a problem, and what we can do instead. We break down research showing that demanding obedience undermines empathy, critical thinking, and moral integrity.By the end of this episode, you’ll learn:✅ Why most parents unknowingly work against their long-term parenting goals✅ How punishment and rewards both create conditional love—and what to do instead✅ The real-world dangers of raising kids to obey without question✅ What research-backed strategies actually help kids become ethical, independent, and strongBecause one day, we won’t be the authority in their lives anymore. And the only voice left… will be their own.Chapters & Key Moments:🔹 (00:10) The Chilling History of Obedience – From Nuremberg to Milgram: How history warns us about blind compliance🔹 (07:00) The Parent’s Dilemma – Why parents say they want independent, critical thinkers… but demand obedience🔹 (12:45) The Cost of Compliance – What happens when we condition kids to follow orders at all costs🔹 (18:10) Unconditional Parenting with Alfie Kohn – A deep dive into parenting beyond punishment and rewards🔹 (26:40) The Real Goal of Parenting – How to raise kids who think for themselves, challenge injustice, and make good choices📲 Follow Me on Social Media – @WholeParentSend us a textSupport the show

IT'S HERE! Get Punishment-Free Parenting on Audiobook Why does it feel like one partner carries the weight of managing the home and kids while the other thinks everything is equal? If you've ever felt exhausted by the invisible labor of parenting—or if you've ever felt like nothing you do measures up to your partner’s expectations—this episode is for you.In this episode of The Whole Parent Podcast, I sit down with Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, to unpack the division of labor in parenting. We dive into the mental load, the emotional labor, and why so many families fall into patterns where one parent (usually mom) takes on the bulk of the work—often without even realizing it.Eve shares the Fair Play framework, a system that helps couples move from frustration and resentment to true partnership in running a household. We’ll talk about: ✔️ Why "helping" isn't the same as "ownership"✔️ How assumptions about gender roles silently shape our parenting dynamics✔️ The hidden labor of planning, managing, and executing daily family life✔️ How to  start creating a more equitable system✔️ The simple mindset shift that can transform your relationshipIf you’ve ever caught yourself saying “I have to do everything around here” and “I shouldn’t have to ask for help”, OR "My partner doesn't trust me" and "I can't do anything right...." this episode will change the way you think about parenting, partnership, and fairness in your home.📖 Punishment-Free Parenting🃏Fair Play Cards📖 Fair-Play Book🔗 Fair Play resourcesIf this episode resonated with you, share it with a partner or a friend. Let’s change the way we divide the mental load—one family at a time.Send us a textSupport the show

Get your own copy of the audiobook HEREWhat do we do when we mess up as parents? In this Episode of the Whole Parent Podcast, I read a long section from the Chapter on Repair from my brand new book Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice. Every parent has moments they wish they could take back. Maybe it’s the sharp tone, the overreaction, or the moment frustration boiled over. But what happens next matters even more than the mistake itself. In this key section from my book, Punishment-Free Parenting, all about reconciliation and repair—how to rebuild trust, reconnect with your child, and model emotional responsibility. Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about showing up, even after we mess up.What You’ll Learn in This Episode:✔️ Why mistakes are inevitable in parenting—and why that’s okay✔️ How rupture and repair strengthen your relationship with your child✔️ A step-by-step approach to making things right after a parenting misstep✔️ The power of modeling apologies and accountability for your kids✔️ Why repair isn’t just about saying sorry—it’s about rebuilding trustKey Takeaways:Rupture is normal. Repair is what builds resilience.Apologizing to your child teaches them how to take responsibility for their own actions.Connection, not control, is what makes discipline truly effective.It’s never too late to make things right.Resources & Links:📖  Punishment-Free Parenting 📩 Join the Whole Parent Newsletter for weekly parenting insights – CLICK HERE🎙️ Share this episode with a friend who needs to hear this!Did You Enjoy This Episode?Leave a review, rate it 5 Stars and share it with a friend!Send us a textSupport the show

Resources Mentioned:Punishment Free-Parenting The Way of Play Emotional Regulation Game GuideTraditional Parenting Fails for ADHD Kids.Growing up with ADHD this is the episode I wish my parents had... In this episode, I’m sharing why traditional, compliance-based parenting doesn’t work for kids with ADHD and what we can do instead. I sat down with Dr. Josh Wyner and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson—two incredible experts—to break down the science behind ADHD and offer practical, brain-based strategies you can start using today.We talk about identifying ADHD in kids, what’s really happening in the ADHD brain, why traditional parenting (aka compliance and punishments) backfire. We also give an alternatives: collaboration, creativity, and especially play to  completely transform your relationship with your ADHD child. This episode is personal, practical, and, I hope, incredibly helpful for anyone raising an ADHD kid—or even just trying to parent differently.What You'll Learn in This Episode:Why traditional parenting strategies fail kids with ADHD.How understanding emotional tagging and time blindness can change your perspective on ADHD behaviors.Three practical strategies to connect with ADHD kids: collaborative problem-solving, fostering autonomy, and using play to build essential skills.BONUS: An exclusive never before heard exerpt from my upcoming book Punishment-Free ParentingFeatured Guests:Dr. Josh Wyner: Neuroscientist and founder of Willow Family Health, a nonprofit focused on neurodiversity-affirming mental health care.Dr. Tina Payne Bryson: Co-author of The Whole-Brain Child and The Way of Play—and one of the most compassionate voices in parenting today.My Key Takeaways:ADHD isn’t about laziness or bad behavior—it’s about brain's placing different emotional value on things. Understanding those differences is the first step to parenting with empathy.Collaboration is everything. When we involve our kids in problem-solving, we’re building lifelong skills and deeper connections.Play isn’t just for fun; it’s one of the most effective ways to help ADHD kids build impulse control, emotional regulation, and attention skills.Call to Action:If this episode resonates with you, I’d love for you to preorder my book, Punishment-Free Parenting. It’s packed with practical tools and real stories, just like this episode, and it’s designed to help you parent with more connection and less stress—whether your child has ADHD or not.Thanks for listening to The Whole Parent Podcast! If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend or on social media—I’d love to keep this conversation going.Follow Us:Send us a textSupport the show

Help me out! My book Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice comes out in LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! Preorder now so you can get it first! Have you ever felt like talking to your kids is like speaking an entirely different language? You tell them to put on their shoes, and suddenly it’s like you’ve asked them to climb a mountain. Believe me, I’ve been there. In this episode, I’m breaking down why our kids don’t always seem to get what we’re saying—and spoiler alert, it’s not because they’re ignoring us.We’ll dive into the science behind how kids’ brains work, why they process the world differently from adults, and how we can adjust our approach to get through to them. I’ll share five creative hacks I use with my own kids—simple tools that help me communicate in a way they actually understand. If you’re tired of power struggles and tantrums, this episode is packed with practical tips that can make life a little easier (and a lot more fun).What You’ll LearnWhy kids’ brains work differentlyI’ll explain how their brains are still under construction and why emotional reactions often take over.How to communicate in ways that work for themFrom using stories to simplifying language, you’ll learn how to meet your kids where they are.Five creative hacks for talking to your kidsI’ll walk you through how I:Use iPad bugs to make screen-time transitions smoother.Play tooth detective to turn teeth brushing into a fun, nightly ritual.Talk to my kids’ bellies to encourage healthier eating choices.Sing instructions to make them stick (hello, Daniel Tiger fans!).Use puppets to make even tough conversations more approachable.Why This MattersI truly believe that how we communicate with our kids shapes not only their behavior but their emotional development and sense of connection. When we approach communication with playfulness and empathy, we’re not just avoiding meltdowns—we’re building trust and lifelong communication habits.This Week’s ChallengeTry one of these hacks! Whether it’s rethinking how you handle screen time or singing through a tricky moment, I’d love to hear what worked for you.Resources I MentionedThe Whole Brain Child by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Dr. Daniel SiegelThe Way of Play by Dr. Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-VincentLet’s ConnectI love hearing from you! Share your thoughts on this episode, tell me what hack you’re excited to try, or let me know about your own creative communication wins.Email: [email protected] Media: @WholeParent on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTokWant More?If you found this episode helpful, please leave a review or rate the podcast—those 5-star reviews mean the world to me and help get the message out. And don’t forget to preorder my book, Punishment-Free Parenting: The Brain-Based Way to Raise Kids Without Raising Your Voice. It’s packed with tools just like the ones we talked about today, but dives even deeper into how to parent with connection at the center.Thanks for listening, and until next time, let’s keep learning how to speak kid—it might just change Send us a textSupport the show