E285: Ask a Sex Therapist: Sore Jaws, Awkward Eye Contact & Aging Down There

It's time for another round of Ask A Sex Therapist, where we answer your most personal, awkward, and downright fascinating questions about sex and relationships! In this episode, we're talking about: Blowjob jaw: Why your jaw gets sore during oral sex, plus an easy technique to make things more comfortable (and pleasurable!) That “I have to pee” feeling: What it can mean when you experience this sensation during sex Changes as you age: What's really happening to your clitoris as you get older Eye contact during sex: Why it feels so vulnerable, what our community had to say, and how to make it feel more natural Body odor: Is it normal to notice your own scent at certain points in your menstrual cycle? Emotional connection: Who's responsible for creating more closeness in a relationship? And one very unexpected question about height that has Xander wondering if there's a giantess fantasy involved! Whether you've wondered about these things yourself or you're just curious about what other people are asking, this episode is full of practical tips, surprising answers, and plenty of laughs. Ready to feel seriously confident with your hands and mouth? If you've ever wondered whether you're doing it right, or wished you had a few more tricks up your sleeve, we've got you! The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to giving your partner incredible pleasure with your hands and mouth. Inside, you'll discover: Separate guides for vulvas and penises, with techniques tailored to your partner's anatomy Step-by-step instructions for fingering, oral sex, handjobs, and blowjobs Ways to combine your hands and mouth for even more pleasure, including the technique we mention in this episode! Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly emails: Real talk, expert tips, and zero shame. https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks StoryWorth. Give your loved ones a unique keepsake you'll all cherish for years. Right now, save up to $20 during Storyworth's Holiday sale. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow 👏Thanks Quince. Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and UK, too. When Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was from Pillow Talks! ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask. Today, we’re answering your questions about kinks and fantasies. From the psychology of desire to navigating mismatches with your partner, we’re tackling the wild, the vulnerable, and the deeply human side of sexual exploration. As always, with zero shame and plenty of insight. This episode is packed with permission, perspective, and practical advice. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: Why we have kinks in the first place The most common sexual fantasies and what they really mean The difference between a fantasy and a desire (and how to safely explore both) Can you fantasize about someone else during sex with your partner? What to do when your fantasy doesn’t match your partner’s How to explore pegging, role reversal, and butt stuff (without shame) The sex club fantasy (that’s not about group sex) Navigating gender play, lingerie, and makeup with confidence 🔗 Links & Resources Episode 53: How To Spice It Up In The Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode53 Episode 213: What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 (Doggy Style, Aging, Leg Hair & More!) 👉🏻https://vmtherapy.com/episode213 Ready to turn a little curiousity into something you actually try? 47 tasteful, illustrated positions with step-by-step instructions on how to get in, how to move, and how to transition out Smart adjustments for real bodies, including different heights, flexibility levels, curves, bellies, and pregnancy Curated adventures for every mood, so you just pick your vibe and go, whether it's slow and romantic or fast and wild Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex ✅ Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ready to turn things around in the bedroom? We're talking reverse cowgirl, and trust us, there's a LOT more to this position than simply facing the other direction. Where do your legs go? How do you keep your partner from popping out? And what exactly is he supposed to be doing while you're up there? We're answering all your burning questions about Reverse Cowgirl, including a few you probably didn't even know you had. From finding your favorite angle to getting more clitoral stimulation, we're sharing the little adjustments that can make this position a whole lot more fun for both of you. In this episode, you'll hear: How to get into reverse cowgirl without accidentally kicking your partner in the face The simple pelvic tilt that can completely change how this position feels How to keep your partner from popping out, plus how to avoid accidentally bending his penis Why reverse cowgirl can be great for clitoral stimulation, especially if you're a little shy about touching yourself How to stay connected when you can't see each other's faces What the partner on the bottom can do with their hands to make things even better The pillow trick that makes reverse cowgirl more comfortable if you struggle with straddling. Whether reverse cowgirl is already in your regular rotation or you've been curious about giving it a go, you're about to discover some new ways to make this position feel REALLY good. Grab your partner, press play, and get ready to turn things around. Ready to add a few more favorites to your bedroom rotation? Reverse cowgirl is just the beginning, friends. If you're ready to explore new angles, discover what feels amazing for your bodies, and have a whole lot more fun together, Ultimate Sex Positions is for you. You'll get: 47 tastefully illustrated sex positions. Step-by-step instructions that show you how to get into each position, move together, and find what feels best. Tips and techniques for more pleasure, so you can experiment with different sensations and discover new favorites together. Whether you're feeling adventurous or just want to put a new spin on an old favorite, there's something in here for every couple. Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your husband creates AI videos of the two of you having sex. You're only having sex four times a year. Or you tried a new position once, hated it, and have absolutely no interest in giving it another shot. Is this normal?! We're back with another round of Is This Normal?, where we answer your real-life sex and relationship questions and get into all the things you've been wondering about. And this week's questions are giving us PLENTY to talk about. We're unpacking some pretty interesting bedroom situations and sharing our thoughts on what's worth exploring, what deserves a conversation, and why your version of normal doesn't have to look like anyone else's. In this episode, you'll hear: Is it normal for your husband to create AI images and videos of the two of you having sex? What it means if you're only having sex four times a year, and whether there's a magic number couples should aim for What to do when your partner says she enjoys sex, but you're not convinced Whether it's okay to take a position or sex act off the table after one bad experience How to talk about trying something again when one partner is curious and the other isn't interested Some of these questions might sound familiar. Others might have you thinking, "Wait, people do that?!" Either way, you're going to want to hear our answers. Press play, then ask your partner which question surprised them the most. Ready to discover your next favorite position? One meh experience doesn’t mean you have to write off trying new things. And you definitely don’t have to retry something you didn’t enjoy. If you’re curious about what else might feel good, Ultimate Sex Positions gives you 47 positions to explore together, with clear instructions that take the guesswork out of trying something new. Inside, you’ll get: 47 illustrated sex positions, so you can see exactly what goes where Step-by-step instructions for getting into and out of each position Tips for moving together and finding your rhythm, so you can discover what works for your bodies You might find a new favorite, rediscover an old one, or have a really good time experimenting together. Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Would you kiss your partner after they went down on you? What would you do if your partner wasn't enjoying the sex you were having? And how would you handle it if weight gain started affecting your physical intimacy? Oh, we've got some opinions about these ones. It's time for another round of Am I the Asshole?, where we read your real-life relationship stories, unpack the bedroom disagreements, and give our verdicts on who's in the wrong. In this episode, you'll hear: The husband who loves going down on his wife, but has some very specific rules about what happens afterward Whether refusing to kiss your partner after oral sex is a reasonable boundary or a bedroom double standard How weight gain can affect physical intimacy, and what happens when partners disagree about it What to do when one partner isn't enjoying the sex they're having Our verdicts on each story, including where we agree, disagree, and think things get a little more complicated Think you already know who's in the wrong? You might change your mind once you hear the other side. Grab your partner, press play, and see if you agree with our verdicts. We have a feeling a few of these are going to spark some pretty interesting conversations. Want to give your partner a few more reasons to say, "Do that again"? Let's talk about putting those hands and mouths to VERY good use. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides give you step-by-step techniques for fingering, oral sex, handjobs, and blowjobs, with expert guidance on exactly how to touch, tease, and pleasure your partner. You'll get separate guides for vulvas and penises, packed with techniques you can practice, experiment with, and make your own. And who knows? You might just discover a new favorite move tonight. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Initiating sex in your relationship should feel exciting, not frustrating. But for most couples, it’s anything but smooth. Whether you're feeling stuck, rejected, or just plain awkward when it comes to getting things started in the bedroom, today’s episode is here to help! We surveyed our audience, and only 17% of people said they’re happy with how initiation is going in their relationship. That means a lot of us are struggling with: 🚨 Feeling like one partner is always initiating while the other never does 🚨 Getting caught off guard and feeling pressured to have sex in the moment 🚨 Waiting until the end of the night, when you're both exhausted 🚨 Using "lazy" or unsexy initiation attempts (boob honks, anyone?) 🚨 Feeling like your partner only flirts when they want something Sound familiar? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’re breaking down the most common mistakes couples make when initiating sex. 🔑 What You’ll Learn in This Episode: ✅ The #1 reason why most couples struggle with initiation ✅ Why timing matters just as much as how you initiate ✅ The major mistake that makes sex feel like a pop quiz, and what to do instead ✅ What to say (and what not to say) when initiating sex ✅ How to make your partner feel wanted instead of pressured And of course, we’re sharing our top tool to completely transform the way you initiate, so you and your partner can experience more connection, better intimacy, and yes… way more satisfying sex! Ready to stop guessing what actually works? The Art of Initiation helps you figure out how each of you actually likes sex to be initiated, so you can make getting things started feel a whole lot more fun (and a whole lot less awkward). You’ll uncover your Initiation Styles, figure out what makes each of you more open to getting turned on, and get 61 specific ways to initiate that you can actually try together. And right now, you can get instant lifetime access for just $49 (normally $89). GET THE ART OF INITIATION FOR $49 →https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation Sale ends Tuesday, October 6 at 11:59 pm PT. Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Would you tell your partner if their kink gave you the ick? What if their foreplay technique wasn't quite doing it for you? And is it normal for sex to be just okay most of the time? Oh, we've got some GOOD questions for you today. We're back with another round of Ask a Sex Therapist, answering the questions you've been sending us about sex, pleasure, and all those things you might be a little too embarrassed to ask out loud. From requesting spicy pics to navigating intimacy when your marriage is going through a rough patch, we're getting into the details with our favorite combination of honest conversations, practical advice, and a little TMI. In this episode, you'll hear: How to ask your wife for spicy pics in a way that feels fun for both of you What to do when your partner's kink gives you the ick How to navigate intimacy when your marriage is going through a rough patch Whether it's normal for sex to be average most of the time and mind-blowing only occasionally Why clitoral stimulation can sometimes feel so intense that it almost hurts How to tell your partner you want something different during foreplay without hurting their feelings Whether you've been wondering about one of these questions yourself or you're just here for the juicy details, you're going to love this conversation. And who knows? You might even pick up a new trick or two to try tonight. Ready to put some new moves in your foreplay repertoire? We've got your next favorite thing to do in bed. Actually, make that several. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are packed with step-by-step techniques for fingering, oral sex, handjobs, and blowjobs, so you can discover new ways to touch, tease, and drive each other absolutely wild. You'll also get an entire section dedicated to navigating foreplay frustrations, including how to ask for what you want and give feedback that actually helps. Because the more you know about each other's pleasure, the more fun you get to have together. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your conversations have turned into a running list of who's handling what, and your quality time is two people on one couch looking at two different screens. 44% of the couples we polled said they're in a rut right now too. So we built you a four-week plan, five minutes a day, plus the exact words to use if you're the one who has to bring it up. In this episode, you'll hear: The difference between a rut and a red flag The exact words to use when you're the one raising this, and how to keep it from landing like a complaint Why "we're just busy" is the most common reason couples end up here, and the part nobody questions The five-minute daily habit that starts week one, and why your brain needs the reps The weekend activity that only counts if it has zero practical value The hug-and-kiss math that resets both your nervous systems in under a minute Why week four is the one couples skip, and why skipping it is how you end up right back here A rut doesn't mean you picked the wrong person or that something's broken between you. It means life got loud, so press play with your partner and let this be the thing that starts the conversation. LINKS & RESOURCES 📝4-Week Relationship Reset PDF: your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 278:How to Get Out of a Relationship Rut: Your 4-Week Plan - https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset 👋The Art of Initiation: your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation ✅Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide: a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide Want the month after this one handled too? The Spark is our $9 a month membership for couples whose lives are full and whose relationship keeps sliding to the bottom of the list. Every month we deliver a fresh drop of ideas straight to you. The planning is done for you. The ideas show up, and the two of you pick whatever sounds fun. Small sparks, on a schedule. Enough momentum to keep you out of the rut you just climbed out of. Nine dollars a month. Less than a fancy coffee. Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Every once in a while an orgasm hits you like a freight train, and you lie there afterward wondering what on earth that was and why you can't do it again. What if that wasn't luck? In this episode, you'll hear: Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets The four things about your orgasm you can actually change What your body does automatically the second an orgasm starts that's probably cutting it short Why the window for a second orgasm stays open longer than you think, and the one moment that closes it The truth about G-spot, cervical, and nipple orgasms, and why none of them outrank the clitoris What Vanessa found after twenty years of thinking she already knew everything about her own body What if your orgasm was only the beginning? Advanced Orgasm is our course for the woman who already orgasms reliably, on her own and with a partner, and is curious what else her body can do. It doesn't teach you how to orgasm. It teaches you how to shape what happens when you do. The four Amplifiers we walk through in this episode. Intensity, Duration, Frequency, and Pathway. Four levers you can pull, with the step-by-step for each one. You get to decide what kind of orgasm you have. Slow and drawn out tonight, enormous on Friday, two of them if that's the mood. A 30-day actually-try-it guarantee. Give it a fair shot, and if you haven't learned something that expands how you explore your own pleasure, we'll refund you. Lifetime access, including every upgrade we ever make to it. Check out Advanced Orgasm here: https://vmtherapy.com/advanced Not sure if it’s for you? If your orgasm only shows up under very particular conditions, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner, that's not a flaw. You're just at a different starting line. Start with Finishing School: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At the start of a relationship, turning your partner on felt like it took basically no effort. So what do you do a decade in, when you've watched each other fart and floss, and nothing seems to happen on its own anymore? In this episode, you'll hear: Why nothing sexy happens spontaneously after about six months, and what has to replace it The thing you have to clear out of the way before you can build desire at all Which of the four desire types you and your partner each are, and why it changes how you initiate How to flirt with someone you've been with for years without feeling ridiculous The compliment swap that makes it actually land, and what to say instead of "you're hot" Why initiating in the moment is already too late, and when to start instead What our community said gets them in the mood, from grey sweatpants to a longer than usual kiss in the kitchen Mentioned in this episode: Discover your initiation style here: https://vmtherapy.com/style Listen to Episode 251: What's Your Desire Type?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode251 Want to make sure the sex is worth craving? It's time to give and receive "I didn't know it could be that good" pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason. Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs. Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more. Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Think you've tried every position? Think again. Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies. 47 fully illustrated positions with step-by-step guidance for getting into, out of, and moving in each one. 17 pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything. Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices