Sarah Part 3 of 3: When Parents and Kids Feel Shame

Children need to feel safe and capable as they venture out into the world. Jean and Alex are parents who came to me for help with their 6 year old daughter’s challenging behavior when she didn’t feel safe or capable. Ellie is a highly sensitive child for whom getting a shot and then taking off the bandaid have turned doctor visits into scary events for both Ellie and her mom.  In this episode we assess the problem and discuss how rigid thinking make these situations so difficult and ultimately what you can do about it. This episode will get you thinking about your own thinking patterns and help you understand the importance of feeling safe and capable in your life or your child’s lifeTime Stamps4:30 The bandaid coming off is not going to be a lifelong issue. It’s the sensitivity that will the lifelong issue 6:05 Anticipatory Anxiety is thinking ahead of what could go wrong6: 25 Problematic thinking patterns: See handout below9:36 Avoidance is a short term solution to a problem of discomfort but not a long term solution11:58 The balance between respect and authority.  Respect her through validationSetting the limit with your authority communicates that she is actually safe13:10 Here’s how to deal with the anxietyFeel the anxiety and do it anywayI am scared AND I can do it anyway. A dialectic statement.  Repeat this over and over again as your child grows17:15 Replace “good and bad” with “is it working and is it not working”18:00 When children have a big emotions there may be an underlying belief,  “I am not safe, I am not capable or I am unloveable”21:25 The learning after an exposure is a critical for growthDrawing pictures- graph sin curveRating scale numbers that go up and down. 23:50 Some children/adults are slow return to baseline after an event28 50 Watch out for the “shoulds”  and the fears 30:00 Make a list of handling-my-discomfort-list even when its a struggle31:05 Using the line “Feelings come and feeling go”34:10 Shaping her behavior so her communication becomes more accurate. Identify social  signaling or inaccurate expressionGive her time to practice and learn these skills35:35 Children who are born more sensitive:  Look at 3 biological markersEmotional sensitivity (low—--------------------high)Emotional reactivity  (low—--------------------high)Emotional recovery   (quick—------------------slow)36:10 Teach your children the difference between rigid thinking vs. flexible thinkingOther interpretations Other possible outcomesDialectic thinking:  Use the magic “AND”Resources:  Handout of Problematic Thinking Patterns and ExamplesLeslie-ism: Shift your thinking by shifting your languageFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie

One of the more common questions parents ask is when do I give in and when do I stand firm.  Todays special guest speaker is an expert on this question. Amy Kalasunas is a board certified Dialectic Behavior Therapist who, among other things, provides interventions for parents of struggling and complex young adults using DBT and SPACE, which stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.  We talk all about how parents can make an effective decision as to when to accommodate to their child’s big emotions and intense behaviors and when it's not effective.Time Stamps15:05  Six ways that parents accommodateTo avoid the big emotions and the intense behaviorsWhen life goes on. The parent has to deal with their lives as they are and they can’t deal with the consequences of setting a limitParents have their own history - their own childhood experiences which impact their current parenting When parents fear or are simply affected by the social judgmentsWhen not accommodating may lead to self-harming behaviors or Suicidal Ideation19:35 How to decide whether or not to accommodateDo I have the bandwidth?Does my child know that I am going to do thisCan my child do what I am asking?22:25  Explanation of Three States of Mind - wise mind, emotion mind, reasonable mind30:05 SPACE redefines what it means to support your childValidateExpress confidence that they will be okStop talking - Put a period after #2 (kids are master debaters)Resist the urge to solve the problemBe a Broken record34:00  Aim lower:  Slice the salami thinner and set smaller realistic expectationsLeslie-ism:  Check in with yourself about your own bandwidth when dealing with your child.Resources:  Amy Kalasunas Website DIalectic Behavior Therapy Resources DBTSelfHelp.comSupportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions - SPACE WebsiteFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is the second mini bonus episode where we will focus on understanding shame. In this bonus episode we discuss the difference between shame and guilt, the beliefs and myths associated with shame and an effective skill to deal with shame. Shame was present in the third session with Sarah in its many forms.  Our children can feel shame even when we try very hard not to shame them.  As parents we can easily feel shame that we carry from our childhood or trying to do this job called parenting. And this list goes on.Time Stamps1:49 Defining Shame2:22 Identifying some myths that go along with shame“I am not good enough”“I am bad”“People are going to reject me”“I’m broken”2:32 Defining Guilt4:00 Child can internalize shame through interpretations that they are doing 4:45 Overt Shaming - the “should” statements and other judgments 5:55 Myths are mistaken beliefs7:30 When the shame is not justified or is not effective because of the duration of the feeling or the intensity of the feeling7:55 Opposite ActionIdentify the urge to hide which associated with feelingAct opposite to that urge - such as pick up your head, make eye contact, speak the feared item out loudDo it over and over again12:35 Separate the behavior and the interpretations of that behaviorCheck the factsFinding other interpretations Doing opposite actionResources:  MSNBC Video Clip talking about the New Book I Hate MyselfI Hate Myself: Overcoming Self-Hatred and Why You Are Wrong About Yourself By Dr. Blaise Aguirre Blaise,Opposite Action Skill from Dialectic Behavior TherapyArticle on Applying Opposite Action to Guilt and Shame10 Practical Examples of Opposite Action by Laura Schenck, PhDFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Shame is a common emotion but a painful one as well.  In this episode we talk about shame and its many forms.  Children feel shame, parents feel shame and we can unintentionally pass down shame to our children. This is my third and final session with Sarah, a mom of two boys James, 12 yrs old and Noah 15 yrs old. Sarah and her husband are both ex-military and we discuss the impact of military life on mental health and how that impacts the family. It may be surprising to learn that in this episode I also talk sitting with emotions and about “embracing the struggle”. Time Stamps3:43 Learning to sit with mistakes, learning to sit with emotions, learning to sit with discomfort.5:30 Being in the discomfort and in the unknown brings up anxiety5:50 Taking hold of your mind: Definition of Mindfulness6:05 Paced breathing turns off the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system - exhale twice as long as the inhale8:00 Mindfulness to current emotion skill - DBT skill This feeling is part of me, not all of me11:59 A child who is struggling with their emotions is not “losing”, its living!12:29 Get away from winning and losing language…all behavior is grist for the mill13:13 Embrace the struggles - accept myself first and then change to improve13:57 Trials of medications is tricky16:45 Pay attention to the context - the timing of your child’s challenging behaviorBefore starting a new school most kids get anxious even when they are excitedObserve and Describe or Notice and Name itUse a rating scale about various aspects of the situationAsk “what am I missing?” Look at the timing and the context of the situation21:08 Description of Emotion Mind (DBT skill) also described as a “ring of fire”22:30 Description of Wise Mind where you can begin to problem solving27:15 Distraction is an effective distress tolerance skill but be careful not to use it to avoid your emotions28:30 Walking the middle path29:48 Raising emotionally intelligent boys32:24 - 36:16  Being open about mental health struggles in the family reduces shame37:08 How much information do you share with children?38:03 There is a natural tendency for children to assume that “its their fault” when their parent is upset. Check in with your child!40:26 Explaining that adults are responsible for their own reactions43:12 Parents need to check in with their own shame “am I good enough”46:20 How your actions to be fully involved with your children can have unintended consequences of pushing away your child48:20 description of being an active listener so Children feel UNDERSTOOD49:49 Active listening means taking a non-judgmental stance as resist the urge to be the “fixer”51:00 Clarify the intention of a conversation - do you want to be heard or do you want advice?Leslie-ism: It's never too late to address the roots of your shame.Resources:  Leslie’s Handout on Three States of MindList of Distress Tolerance and Coping SkillsRichard Reeves: author of 2022 book “Of Boys and Men: Why the modern male is struggling, why it matters, and what to do about itEmotionally available boys - best of the men and boys are not alright Ezra Klien - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/best-of-the-men-and-boys-are-not-alright/id1548604447?i=1000666761830&

Kids are not the only ones who are controlling and trying to get what they want. As parents we do the same thing.  We really want what we want and we act in controlling ways to achieve those ends. This is the second session with Sarah, mother of 2 boys, 12 year old James and 15 year old Noah where we explore topics, including when one sibling tries to parent the other, when children feel responsible for their parents’ emotions, how to let our kids make mistakes and how to be a less controlling parent. Time Stamps4:55  Words with strong negative connotation - Negotiation, control and dictating - 5:35 reframed as giving our child personal power with a voice and agency.  This is respect if you change your perspective 6:15 Finding the middle ground vs Finding a synthesis7:04 When your child likes to negotiate…let them have the last word7:10-13:40  Role play - A one way conversation vs a two way conversationOne way conversation works when the child is likely to be dysregulatedTwo way conversation works when we both want to share our ideas and perspectives13:32 Sometimes we need to accept that our child is going to have their big emotions15:50 Validation and reflect back and appreciate the positive in your child’s behaviorParents often miss when a child is being respectful19:35 When the child worries about disappointing the parent and acts like a “good kid” to prevent you from getting upset. This is how a child tries to take care of the parent21:40 Children often worry more about their parents being upset than the sibling being dysregulated22:14 Assume that your child may be carrying a burden and ask them directly if that may be true 24: 50 Role play with validation27:08 When someone escalates, they probably feel invalidated. Validate in order de-escalate the child’s emotions28:15  Keep it short and sweet.  Say LESS - listen twice as much as we speak32:00 If you say or do something that you are not happy with, own it. Own your own reactions and ask for a redo33:59 The antidote to controlling your child is to practice acceptance of the moment35:49 Sarah’s own advice “in the uncomfortable is where we learn36:11 Learning to be less controlling is letting your our children make mistakes or have their feelingsResources:  Leslei’s Handout on a Dialectic SynthesisLeslie’s Video on Listening to Your Own AdviceLeslie-ism: “In the uncomfortable is where we learn” by SarahFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a "good" parent-child fit.Time Stamps1:48 Defining the parent-child fit 3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors11:57 - 16:08  Steps to create a good parent-child fitThis is called the bio-social fit - a transactional modelLook at biological make up your childLook at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)Acknowledge the differences without judgementValidate, validate, validateUse flexible thinking  and problem-solving including BrainstormingBalance between acceptance and change Be creative in your solutionsRespect, connect and collaborate with your childResources:  Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child FitLeslie-ism: Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Welcome to Season 3!  We start this season off with a family from Australia.  Sarah is a mom of 2 boys- James is 12, Noah is 15, Sarah and her husband are both ex-military personnel which has a direct impact on their parenting.  In today’s episode we discuss how Sarah’s parenting style matches with James who has been recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Many parents can  probably relate to Sarah who tween is a really good negotiator especially when it comes to getting off video games. We explore the big picture concept of the parent-child fit. I also discuss and teach practical skills including setting the stage, coping ahead, and brainstorming to support Sarah in her parenting. Time Stamps6:18 How a parent feels when a child is defiant:7:30 When a parent is works on rules and boundaries and command and your child doesn’t work that way8:55  Children who work well with predictability and structure like knowing what will happen and when it will happen and how it's going to happen.10:30 Sarah changes her words from “his emotional regulation problems” to emotional regulation that is still developing11:36 Raising an obedient child is different from raising a responsible child11:41- 14:40 1When a parent thinks that a child’s behavior is a reflection of them (personalizing their behavior) and which leads to mom-guilt17:00 When parents get diagnosis for their child and when they fear how their child will respond to a diagnosis18:32 Describing the concept of a “good fit” between the child and the parent as well as the child and its school environment20:42 The difference between a validating environment and an invalidating environment23:49   Turn the volume down on the  “shoulds” and increase the volume up on the learning. What have I learned from this?  - A learning model of raising kids26:55 When your child is an avid gamer and the challenges associated with it.28:35 Describing a skill called “Setting the Stage” - prepare your child for what is likely to happen and how they will respond vs how they want to respond30:50 An example of using the brainstorming skill34:47 Don’t judge the big emotional reactions, just plan for it35:50 A description of the Cope Ahead Skill (from Dialectic Behavior Therapy) 38:10 Practicing skills over and over again is what makes them effective39:00 Parenting is a long-term investment Resources:  Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child FitLeslie’s Handout: Misbehavior is a form of communicationLeslie’s Handout: Raising a Responsible Child vs Raising an Obedient Child                     Dialectic Behavior Therapy Cope Ahead Skill HandoutLeslie-ism: Take a look at your parent-child fit,For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produ

Help us shape Season 3 of Is My Child A Monster?! For the first time ever we’re doing a listener survey. You have the opportunity to tell us what you love —or would love less of — on Is My Child A Monster! The anonymous survey should take less than 10 minutes, and you’re welcome to answer as much or as little as you like. We’d love your thoughts even if you’ve never listened, help us understand why! Or maybe this is a good time to check out an episode. Click here to fill out the survey.Visit ismychildamonster.com  to:subscribe to my newsletterfill out an application to be a parent volunteer on the podcast complete the short survey to help us 

Do you need feedback? Of course you do. We all do! But giving and receiving feedback whether it's from or to your child or co-parent can be challenging. Feedback can often feel like criticism and can even feel invalidating. This episode is all about giving and receiving feedback skillfully so that you or the other person doesn’t become defensive or shut down. Today’s episode welcomes back Leslie’s daughter Dale Rubury who shares how she moved from the defensive stance as a child to the open and willing stance as an adult.  Time Stamps:3:18 Feedback is part of communication in all kinds of relationship3:55 Defining Feedback as nonjudgmental information about their behavior that is intended to help someone grow7:49 Why is feedback so important 9:00 The person receiving feedback has complete power over HOW they receive it9:07 What is RODBT? Radically Open Dialectic Behavior Therapy Fact Sheet12:55 The faith of parenting means you believe that the child heard you16:18 Why some kids have more difficulty getting feedback than others19:05 In public some kids will receive feedback differently than when they are at home. It may be known as masking (click here for more information)21:18 Notice and name their reaction21:25 "Did i just say something was invalidating to you"22:20 Watch out when the child gives feedback to you the parent23:30 It’s the parent’s job to model receiving feedback for the child24:33 Give kids time and space to learn to accept feedback27:40 “Is this a good time to give you feedback?”33:03 Use the metaphor of a buffet37:49 Tips on receiving feedback38:34 Recovering from invalidation40:19 Not everything has to be processed, sometimes it’s healthier to let some things goResources:  Sign up here to be a parent guest on Is My Child a Monster? PodcastRadically Open DBT Fact SheetLeslie’s Video:  Stop Repeating YourselfLeslie’s Newsletter on I-Must-Have-Done-Something-Wrong StreetLeslie-ism: Growing as a parent is about being open to new ideas, open to learning, and open to feedback.For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special

Exposure to books makes a big difference for children. Reading not only fosters cognitive and emotional development but also builds closeness and routines. This week, Leslie spoke to author Deborah Farmer Kris about her experience as a teacher and parent, highlighting the unique needs of each child and the intellectual and emotional challenges of parenting. Kris also promotes the use of public libraries and simple, consistent reading routines. Kris's books, including those in the "All the Time" series, aim to teach emotional literacy and provide caregiver tips. She stresses that being a stable, caring adult is crucial for a child's resilience and well-being.About our guest: Deborah Farmer Kris is a parent educator, journalist, and children’s book author.  Deborah has written for CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. She is an advisor for the PBS KIDS show “Carl the Collector,” and is wrapping up edits on a parenting book, called “Raising Awe Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Can Help Our Kids Thrive.” She also founded the parenting website Parenthood365Time Stamps9:50 Cascading benefits of reading aloud- many cognitive benefits12:15 Building memories, building routines13:50 Creating a literacy rich environmentDeveloping a context for understanding the world around youBuilding routine establishes a sense of groundedness15:13 Libraries are under utilized which are free and public19:20 Creative ways to bring books into the lives of children22:40 Comprehension is higher than one’s ability to read25:50 Books can teach emotional literacy30:43 “I notice….” is a phrase you can use to open the door to communication33: 20 Books have a therapeutic effect on children and adults alikeUsing children’s books to teach therapeutic concepts. For example “Quick as a Cricket” teaches about our many parts and a dialectic perspective36:07 Harvard ‘s research study on resilience in children found that it boils down to one factor: the presence of one stable, caring adult in their life. Resources:To Learn more about Deborah Farmer Kris visit her Parenthood 365 Website Click here to get Deborah Farmer Kris’ fabulous books for emotional literacyLeslie List of Children's Book for Developing Emotional LiteracyA Video made by Leslie about How to use Books as Conversation StartersHarvard University: The Center for the Developing Child’s Research on ResilienceLeslie-ism: Try to find 10 minutes a day to read to your childFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper,  AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-R