Krystal & Burt Part 1 of 3: When Kids Pick up on Marital Tension

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  Time Stamps7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present20:17 Tension between parents:When parents feel unsupportedWhen parents feel dismissedWhen parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood24:50 How to tolerate the differences25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy livesBuild up the strengths and the emotional connection35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a roomPlay a simple game between you and your partner 35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship38:45 Relationships are so hard.  40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healingWe pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. Children help us grow as a human being We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks50:59 Turning the family structure upside down52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnectionLeslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.Resources:  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling Rivalry is a great opportunity to practice conflict resolution. In this episode we talk about the steps to help you resolve conflicts with your kids.  But these same steps (easy to explain and difficult to practice) can be used with all relationships that experience conflicts. Leslie explains the steps to conflict resolution and highlights the one step that is often forgotten and without it can sabotage any attempts to resolve the conflicts. Leslie and her daughter Dale discuss these steps and apply it to real life experiencesTime Stamps2:12 Definition of conflict3:58  Four Steps of conflict resolution with the MISSING PIECEStop the actionState the problemGenerate solutionsPick a solution and move forward4:26 Five Steps of Conflict Resolution Stop the actionState the problemUse Empathy and perspective taking to get to the underlying concernsGenerate solutions Pick a solution and move forwardConflict resolution often fails when the empathy step is missing5:18 Using a childhood example to demonstrate these steps6:25 Step in to sibling rivalry only SOME of the time, not al of the time7:26 Don’t attempt to figure out who started.  It is not effectiveStart with “I notice there is a problem here” not “Who started this”9:50 Getting Confirmation with a nod or saying yes is important to make sure someone feels heard and understood 10:12 Validation, active listening, reflective listening is absolutely necessary10:45 Use non-verbal, physical support when the other person is talking12:20 Empathy and validation is not condoning the behavior or agreeing with the other person's perspective 14:00 Have the child use “I Statement” so you avoid blaming language14:45 Generating solutions - engage the children - 18:10 Moving from Emotion mind to wise mind as you move through the steps. If emotions are too high, wait until another time to do the conflict resolution process20:15 When generating ideas make sure each child is taking responsibility for their part and coming up with solutions that they can change22:53 When is it most effective for parents to jump into conflict resolution?  When the PARENT feels most capable of handling the conflict. 23:40 The infamous “Sink Story” 26:20 The Fair Fighting Fouls (see show notes for link)27:26 The parents' job is to teach it and model it - Leslie-ism: Conflict resolution begins with empathyResources:Fair Fighting Rules in a Pamphlet called Time Out: Resolving Family ConflictsOther conflict resolution resources for Kids at Peace Education FoundationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by

Sibling rivalry seems like your kid’s problem. But for most parents its not easy to tolerate all that bickering and figuring out when to step in can be confusing.  In today’s session, you meet Anna, a mother of three children, 8, 5, 2 who learns that what she is doing is actually making the sibling rivalry worse. She and her husband emigrated from Ukraine in their twenties but brought with them their own experiences of growing up.  Learning a bit about her history brings light to her current situation. And you may be surprised by the coaching that Leslie offers Anna to improve the sibling rivalry which includes some basic strategies based in behaviorism.Time Stamps5:29 Context is important when understanding or assessing a problem such as sibling rivalry8:20 Noticing that people’s recovery time vary from person to person10:00 Parents often ask “what can I do to stop the fighting”11:25 Sibling rivalry is natural and a way to learn social skills11:48 Behaviorism - jumping in reinforces the fighting behavior which causes it to escalate13:28 Reinforce the behavior that you want more of14:00 Nonverbally (Physically) support one child while talking to the other child18:03 What happens when your best intentions makes things worse and doesn’t get you what you want18:55 When Leslie sounds like terrible, horrible, no good parent20:28 Can we give our kids a chance solve their own problems21:08 We rob our children from so much learning when we jump in to fix it 21:58 How to help parents sit with their own discomfort or anxiety  Announce the change in your parenting behavior to your children23:15 Explaining an extinction burst 24:20 ⅓ ⅓ ⅓ rule for sibling rivalry⅓ = Do nothing, let them work it out on their their⅓ = We can help them with conflict resolution⅓ = We can notice what is happening or ending it without discussing it25:20  A family is a system of belonging - sibling rivalry can be about individuation30:20  Reinforcing your child to feel special is different from praise. 34:07 Parents need to believe that they can love each of their children differently35:02 The metaphor of the orchestra for treating their children differently36:16 Balance the needs of your child, balance the independence and the dependence36:55 Looking at the parents self care practices38:36 Description of how empathy is a critical step of conflict resolution with a 43:10 Empathy and being understood by the other person can be transformative.43:40 Escalating emotions, getting louder or getting defensive may reflect that someone feels invalidated.44:23  CLIFF HANGER;  Leslie doesn’t share the other steps of conflict resolution - only the step of empathyResources:  Leslie’s Handout on The Need to Feel a Sense of BelongingLeslie ‘s Handout on The Need to be significant Punishment by Rewards by Alfie KohnLeslie-ism: Practice empathy in your own conflictsFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube