Karen Part 3 of 3: When You Feel Like Parenting Should Be Easier

Picture this, you have three children, it’s summer vacation and all the routines have changed and now your extended  family is coming for a visit. Sounds great and getting irritable and frustrated is also really understandable.  In today’s third and final session with Karen, who is a mother of three children, she is asking herself  the question: Shouldn’t this be easier?   The discussion also focuses on understanding the "people pleaser" the sensitive child, and some of the myths that we believe about ourselves and others.   Karen and her husband are bothered by her son's passion for watching animals fighting which is something we unpack through dialectic thinking and curiosity. Time Stamps3:22 Understanding factors contributing to a parent’s irritability and frustration and what to do about it5:00 How to respond to stress and anxiety?6:49 Take a look at your “core beliefs” which can be myths or mistaken beliefs.8:15 Parents have an opportunity to break a generational cycle of judgment or shame10:46 Do you believe everything you think?11:16 Shame and Blame often go hand in hand.  Shame makes us feel vulnerable and blame can be something we do when we feel vulnerableThe urge to hide is associated with shameAnger is a secondary emotion to the shame13:28 Guilt vs Shame distinction15:10 People pleaser don’t want other people to get upset (another core belief)People pleaser who worries about judgmentsChallenging our mistaken beliefs 20:05 A thought substitution is a way of changing your perspective 22:25 “Finding another interpretation” game26:36 Coping skills can “calm you down” and distract you27:00 The difference between distress tolerance skills and emotion regulation skillsDistress tolerance skills - go slow  - tolerate the emotion without making things worseEmotion regulation skills - check the facts skill and challenging myths skill28:05 When the environment doesn’t fully understand a sensitive person it can feel invalidating - 30:52 Discussion about her son who watches animal fighting videos and what that meansAsk the question…when does it work? and when does it not work?Physical touch, compression can be soothing to a child’s nervous systemGo below the surface to understand your child’s interests and behaviors38:20 Discussion of vulnerabilities and prompting events39:20 A DBT Assumption:  People are doing the best they can with the skills they have in the present moment AND people need to do better40:45  Finding balance between acceptance and asking what can I/you do differently next time?43:28 Compassion and gratitude are essential for parents.Leslie-ism: You and your kids are doing the best you can with the skills you have at the present moment.Resources:  Kristin Neff’s video: The Three Components of Self-CompassionTara Brach’s Resources and Meditations on GratitudeFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Parenting is a work in progress and the idea that you get to learn as you go is essential.  In today’s episode Karen, who is eager to learn returns for her second session as we unpack the complexities of parent-child relationships of her three children.  Karen is seeking advice on how to raise resilient children, how to set limits when it feels like your daughter’s best friend talks back to adults and when your kids fight in the grocery store. Understanding who your child is and understanding the situation you are dealing with can change your perspective and guide your parenting skills.Time Stamps3:10 Helping get kids off technology can range from connecting to your child to changing your expectations.  4:18 The change in the parents behavior can have a direct impact on what the child does5:25 Changing your perspective from what the child is doing to you vs what’s happening to the child7:39 Change takes time - manage your expectations9:08The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian -  Learning to be comfortable with your authority as a parent 12:20 Human interaction is complex - assess the contributing factors including your child's vulnerabilities, expectations and beliefs14:35 Missed opportunities - its like missing a train - there will be another one16:19 Be “REAL” with your kids 17:33 Name the elephant in the room - verbalize what’s going on18:35 Put your foot on the brake - Stop trying to teach/rationalize and put your foot on the validation gas pedal19:20 Expand your thinking - be more flexible - get rid of stereotypes20:10 Stop after the validation - don’t talk so much22:20 Parenting is often counterintuitive24:24 Practice taking a non-judgmental stance25:29 DON'T change the limit - Validate and help them express themselves more accurately - with plenty of examples 28:25 FACE the challenge instead of avoiding the challengeStory of community service - giving back to others31:37 How to raise resilient kids and teach them to cope with life's struggles 36:40 Reinforcement - acknowledge what they experienced rather than praise37:28 Coping skills are designed to keep the problem from getting worse (or from escalating) and learning to tolerate the discomfort5,5,5, Skills -5 things you hear, 5 things you see, 5 things you feelResources:  ACCEPTS Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyIMPROVE Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapySelf-Soothe Skill in Dialectic Behavior TherapyLeslie-ism: The road to happiness is knowing how to handle the life’s strugglesFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecoh`podcasts/ . Yo u can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by 

In today’s session you will meet Karen who has three kids, 10 year old Kate, 8 year old Vivian, and 5 year old Owen and asks Leslie the question of how to get her kids off technology. . Answering that question, means assessing what’s going on and then tailoring the strategies to each individual child.  This session also focuses on helping parents feel comfortable with their own authority while maintaining mutual respect with your child.and how not to personalize your child’s big emotions.Time Stamps4:10 The unstructured nature of summer and its challenges5:00 The dialectic perspective of the strong-willed children8:15 Reasons how you diminish your authority as a parentWait till the father steps inFeeling like your children push your buttonsGiving children too many choicesMom doesn’t mean what she says 12:45 Create individual strategies for dealing with technology for your individual kids14:35 Don’t give into the “fairness game”Validate and move on rather than dismiss and move on16:35 Family meeting where everyone has a chance to be heard17:25 Teaching children to manage “Technology Time”18:25 Fair is not the same as equal18:45 The definition of a “bad” parent -When parents personalize their child’s anger 21:19 Change your perspective and your interpretationsMy son is having strong emotionsMy son is getting to know his angerMy son is feeling disappointment24:47 Parents can unintentionally reinforce a child’s emotional reactivity25:55 Cope Ahead Skill - Help a child learn what they can do differently next time instead of shaming them28:35 How to establish personal power and agency for your children that is effective 30:21 Working on developing mutual respect 33:18 Observe and describe your child’s behavior nonjudgmentally34:33 Explaining fairness, equanimity and sameness with a metaphor38:05 Create structure in the day to help children manage technology time 41:44 Understanding what it means to be comfortable with authorityLeslie-ism: Say what you mean and mean what you sayResources:  Horton Hatches An Egg by Dr Seuss read aloud on videoFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

To quote Max Stossel “social media is drastically impacting young people’s mental health, focus, social skills, productivity and self-worth".  On today’s episode, Leslie has a conversation with technology expert, Max Stossel, who was a media strategist before becoming an educator on this topic. He speaks about the reality of phones and compassionately, how parents do indeed have to deal with this reality because it's not going away.  Max increases our understanding of how social media is designed to keep kids (and us) on the phones. He offers practical solutions to work on and hopes to create a common language between parents and their kids.  Time Stamps3:45 Max explains his mission to “help children survive and thrive in the modern world”Social Media is like gas on a fire of all the issues that were already there for teenagers/kids such as self worth, bullying, etc5:00 Help kids to have a mindful moment of really checking in about how their technology makes them feel8:40 How understanding slot machines and their variable reward system explains how and why we use the phone (Intermitten reinforcement which keeps a behavior going11:37 Changing the question to your child from “do you like this? TO how does it make you feel?”“How does it make you feel during and after?”13:00 We can help children develop an awareness of what they are feeling during and after being on technology14:45 Discussing the overwhelm that parents feel with the pressures of tech use15:30 Discussion of why and how to delay giving your child a phone for as long as possible and problem solving19:16 Max’s list a few of his recommendations (see show notes for a more extensive list)Removing phones from bedroomsUsing Technology is a trade between presence or looking at my phone. Its a choiceNarrate that choice- take responsibility for the choice you makeThe bigger the screen the better (more social accountability and less isolation)24:15 Two role play situations.   25:17 Trying to get your teen off their phone.  34:20 When your tween asks you to get them a phone28:40 Review of the strategies of the first role play 38::00 Review of the strategies of the second role play42:20 Technology gets in the way of self discovery45:30 Experiment with substitute experiences instead of scrollingLeslie-ism: Replace the question of “do you like this TO how does it make you feel”Resources:Max Stossel’s Organization Social Awakening Website with technology resourcesHere is a list of best practices recommended by Max StosselHere is list of best practices recommended by Max StosselMax Stossel’s Website as a Poet and PerformerThe Center For Human Technology with a link to the movie The Social DilemmaWait Until 8th Movement - resources and informationFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, 

Parents have to deal with the daily activities of getting their kids dressed, fed and out the door. Sometimes there are great strategies and skills to help in those situations.  And sometimes those are just what Leslie calls “messy situations” that come with raising kids.  This is the third and final session with Kevin & Scott who have two boys - 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur. This episode is chock full of strategies and the discussion focuses on mindfulness skills as well as interpersonal skills. And stay tuned to the end of the episode where Scott gives us an update on how these sessions have helped both parents.  Time Stamps2:22 Mindfulness practice helped their child be more focused and it helped the parents stay calmer and less frustrated6:58 Definition and examples of one-minded9:15  When kids don’t like making mistakes?  How to use Cope Ahead Skill10:35 Helping the parents feel more competentRemoving the “shoulds” from the homework task 12:30 How can you lower the expectations and still help your child reach their full potential15:18 Role play scenario to demonstrate what to do when things are tense or escalating Strategies that respectfully help the child whose brain says “I need to tell you every little detail of a story”18:40 Look for some collaboration and Identify the dialectic dilemma between your goal vs your child’s goal, your needs and your child’s needs20:50 Definition of a synthesis21:30 Use two hands to help your child visualize the two parts of dilemma26:50 Messy moments are intrinsic to raising children27:28 What to do during the big meltdownsNotice and Name the child’s state of mind - “You are in emotion mind”,Move the child from emotion mind to wise mind - make a listPhysical touch (X marks the spot)Do you want a hug?Do you want space?Hand the child an ice packPut on classical musicDo something physical - lay on the floor, do some jumping jacksYou can be the distraction Draw a road with many choices for how to get somewhereCo-regulate yourself33:30 Stay connected and set your limit34:05 Be a broken record - Let your child know that you are there34:55 Learning takes place between the meltdowns - Model and teach skills 35:50 An example of being irreverent - getting their attention by being genuine.  This is NOT sarcasm  37:35 Parents need to support each otherLeslie-ism: Next time you or child feel anxious, try counting your stepsResources:  Leslie’s Handout on Dialectic Images for Finding a Synthesis to a Dialectic DilemmaIs My Child A Monster? Dealing with Overwhelm with Special Guest Dr. Kiki Fehling - to review the TIPP skills and other mindfulness skillsCope Ahead DBT Skill HandoutFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by

Homework is a time of frustration in many families.  And there are so many root causes that contribute to the defiance that often comes with homework.   In today’s episode, which is the second session with Kevin and Scott, Leslie discusses and assesses what’s going on and what to do with those homework issues.  Kevin and Scott are parents to 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur -  two neurodivergent boys, who are trying incredibly hard to be the best parents they can be.  Leslie points out that perhaps everyone can try different, not harder.Time Stamps3:40 Varying your skills is often very effective - mix it up a little4:13 The opposite of self-compassion is self-deprecating and self-judgements 6:00 Using your skills intentionally makes the skill for effective6:50 Family value of doing things together as a familyChildren avoid parts of their homework that’s hard for them.  The child may have difficulty admitting that they made a mistake9:40 Review of the should’s from the homework for Kevin and Scott10:39 How to believe your own compassionate statement11:35 Looking at yourself before you became a parent14:24 Should-ing yourself or your child often turns into shaming15:20 The pressure of parenting16:38 Validate your thoughts but don’t attach to those thoughts17:40 We don’t have to try harder, we have to try different18:40 The many uses of mindfulness 23:03  What to do when your child refuses to do school workGive your child information about what happens to themPut it on paper so it is tangible and visual26:08 Many kids don’t want to talk about a past situation that didn’t go well27:00 Homework is an opportunity to “see” who your child is and to help them understand themselves28:15 Assess why is your child struggling with homework31:30 Transitions may be challenging for kids with ADHD32:40 Being seen and understood creates connection between parent and childConnection is the opposite of feeling shame34:03 Helping your child when they make a mistake and get upset“Can you give yourself permission to make a mistake”“That really threw you into emotion mind”Ahead of time, “are you prepared to make some mistakes” or “can you handle making a mistake today”37:44 Going to school for the neurodivergent child is extra exhausting. Some accommodations may be needed to create an environment that is supportive39:20 New ideas and strategies may be refreshing in a the family dynamic40:42 Keys to parenting when homework is problematic42:30 Defiance is not the measure of being a bad parent.  Remember defiance is helping you understand your childLeslie-ism: Don’t try harder, try different! For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and

As parents we can probably relate to Kevin and Scott who describe family life as chaotic.  They are parents of two neurodivergent boys, 7 year old Gavin and 4 year old Arthur.  Its clear in this episode that these parents have done their homework and tried to help their boys and their family life but the frustration and uncertainly are ever present. Leslie works with Kevin and Scott to assess and understand the other important ingredients essential for effective parenting.  This episode focuses on feelings and concepts such as compassion, insecurity, shame and grief.  And together they that look at what happens when rewards stop working.  Time Stamps3:10 Where do parents begin when trying to make sense household chaos5:05 When parenting with strategies designed for the neurotypical child doesn’t work as well with the neurodivergent child5:59 Grieving the child you thought you would haveComparison to other children or other familiesAcknowledge the child you have8:08 An example of making compassionate statements to each other and to themselves11:20 Island of compassion in the sea of chaosDescription of the morning "chaos"14:15 Teasing can be “playful connection’ as well as the hurtfulParents can reframe the behavior from a negative to an alternative interpretation17:10 Rewards -  how to make them work and why they stop workingChange them oftenIntermittent reinforcement works very well to establish a behaviorDon’t work harder than your childKeep the small and specific24:08 Problem Solving Skill from DBT  - focus on the brainstorming step26:14 Raising your child to understand who he is, the impact of how he shows up in the world, and the areas that he might need to work on.26:30 Strategies to help someone with ADHD: balance boards and movementFidget toysDrawing and doodling28:20 Dialectic dilemma: The tension between when do you need to accept the moment as it is and when do you need to change it day29:15 Dialectic Dilemma: Is this the parent’s problem or is this the child’s problem. Whose problem is it?29:55 Two acceptance strategies:  compassion and taking a breathLeslie-ism: Take a moment to celebrate the effort you're putting in and the small successes along the way.Resources:  A book about Behavior management strategies: Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen PryonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents.  This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain.  Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful. Time Stamps2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids 3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or badFor the short term it works - kids are quietCan you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens4:10  What’s missing when your kids are on screensLearning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredomMissing the opportunity for daydreaming6:10  The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk 7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service 16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am  I capable of tolerating this now?”Leslie-ism:  Give your children the gift of daydreaming timeResources:  Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback ConceptFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

When kids get their own phone there’s a big adjustment for everyone. And it doesn’t always go smoothly.  This is my second session with Krystal and Burt where we find out how they are doing and if they did their homework to find small ways to connect.  This session focuses on 12 year old Mat who gets in trouble with his phone and what parents can do when that happens.  We also focus on 8 year old Margo who advocates for her own needs which is in sharp contrast to Mat’s people pleasing tendencies.  The skills in this episode focus on communication, connection, consequences that are meant to be effective, seeing the positive intention and learning to surf the urge. Time Stamps4:35 Never underestimate how a small change can have a large impact - small check-ins makes a difference to the relationship 5:10 Kids possibly pick up on the marital tension 6:16 When a people pleaser tunes in to their parents’ well being8:00 We often feel emotional when we feel like we have been seen and understood8:30 The spiral of disconnection - resentment, frustration,etc10:10 Getting a  phone, losing the phone and the consequences12:25 How to make a consequence work effectively: time matters14:00 Use the phone and misbehavior as a learning experience Teach about the way the phone games/apps are designed to keep you on itHave open communication to discuss his relationship with the phoneUse a cell phone contract19:30 Pros and cons DBT skill has 4 boxes instead of two (see resources below)21:00 Discussion of being a “people pleaser” 22:25 Its ok for kids to make safe mistakes at home24:10 Use “Surfing the Urge” Mindfulness Skill to deal with impulses 27:30 Giving a child a sense of control through “giving her personal power”29:35 Talk about family meetings30:30 See the positive intention when a child has challenging behavior - Validate the valid32:40 How to communicate with a child who says what feels like “rude” comments “This is not working for me”Role play other versionsChoose timing that might work better than in the momentThe two kids can learn from each other - one is very considerate of others and the other has a strong sense of self and focus on herselfLeslie-ism: When you think there's a teachable moment, pause and see what you can all learn in that moment. Resources:  Cell Phone ContractHandout on Pros and Cons Skill from Dialectic Behavior TherapyVideo explaining how to Use Pros and Cons Skill from DBTLeslie’s Blog on People Pleasing - coming soonHandout on the DBT Skill “Surfing the Urge“ by Therapist AidHandout on Positive intention - coming soonFor a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household.   In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo.  They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise.  Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”.  And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.  Time Stamps7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present20:17 Tension between parents:When parents feel unsupportedWhen parents feel dismissedWhen parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy” 24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood24:50 How to tolerate the differences25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy livesBuild up the strengths and the emotional connection35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a roomPlay a simple game between you and your partner 35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship38:45 Relationships are so hard.  40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healingWe pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up. Children help us grow as a human being We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future. 48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks50:59 Turning the family structure upside down52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnectionLeslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.Resources:  For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by