Guilt-Ridden Good People

Over the last few years, I've coached and advised many women in their 30s and 40s who are so exasperated on the journey to finding love, that they find themselves in a position where, realistically, if they ever want to have kids, they're going to have to freeze their eggs. This happens for a multitude of reasons, and through absolutely no fault of their own - obviously. And bizarrely enough - this has nothing to do with how attractive they are or whether they're 'marriage material'. I know of several objectively attractive women who are totally ready for love, who are in this situation.

Here's a question I recently got from a client. I've made all the details as vague as possible for privacy purposes. QUESTION:  My sibling and their spouse have been accused of abusive behaviour, and they have several kids who are now facing foster care. My family can't take all of them on, realistically, only a certain number of them. The others have been assigned Muslim foster parents. I feel very guilty about the kids we can't take on ourselves. What should I do?

Quote: "Not even God could sink this ship,"  [Commonly attributed to Captain Edward John Smith of the Titanic]. In the outstanding movie "The Dark Knight", the Joker, played by Heath Ledger, was holding Batman's girlfriend outside the window of a skyscraper. Batman instinctively said, "Let her go." And the Joker responded with the perfect phrase that someone probably should have pointed out to the captain of the Titanic when he claimed that 'even God could not sink this ship'.  The Joker's wisdom?  "Very poor choice of words!"

So said a client of mine from the UK who recently visited us in Morocco, referring to some 'Muzlamik' folks who are taking a kind of moral superiority in their decision to leave the UK.  Now, look… I get the attraction. Sun. Beaches. All kinds of entertainment. All forms of attractions. It's a land perfectly designed to entertain Brits. Oh… and it's all halal.

Basically, yes. Now, obviously this question and answer might require some context.  Over the last decade or more, I've coached a lot of single women who are in their late 20s, 30s and 40s who are living in their parents' home. And much of the time, they're unclear about whether they are technically allowed, in Islam, to leave their parents' home without being married.  

Here's a question from a coaching session… (as usual, it's been edited, summarised and certain details have been changed, to protect identities)... QUESTION:  "After getting coaching from you, I built up the courage to start calling my mum, who lives in another country. And for a while it was going good, but now, every time I call, my mum gives me guilt trips and she just gives me bad energy.  She starts comparing me to other siblings. As you know, I was wronged by my siblings, but my mum claims the opposite. And the worst thing is she then gives me guilt trips for not being around. What's going on? How come it was in flow before, when I started calling her, but now it feels a lot more heavy and negative?"

The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings upon him, said: "Observe moderation in taking action, and if you fail to observe it perfectly, try to do as much as you can. And be happy, for none would be able to get into Paradise because of his actions alone." The companions of the Holy Prophet said, "Allah's Messenger, not even you?" He replied, "Not even I, but for Allah enveloping me in His love.  And bear this in mind: the deed most loved by Allah is one which is done constantly, even though it is small."  [Collection: Muslim.]

Let me start with a disclaimer. I have absolutely no evidence whatsoever that JiuJitsu master Ryron Gracie has any interest in the Quran. However, I do know that the brothers Rener and Ryron Gracie put an enormous amount of intelligent thought into helping people achieve something that's also incredibly difficult: mastering Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.

Firstly, I know how insane that sounds. Many people reading this may well be Muslim, and let me assure you, this does not work for Sunnah fasts or Ramadan fasts. Because Islamic fasts are specifically designed to make sure that you do feel hunger and thirst. There is no way around the inherent challenge in the pre-dawn to sunset, no food, no water fast. However, a lot of people these days are into "intermittent fasting" as an incredibly intelligent way to lose a lot of unwanted body fat, quickly and effectively.  

Despite all the fake bad news about immigrants being the problem in the UK and the USA, the fact is that in reality, we boost the economy and keep it thriving.  That's why I chuckled when I was recently reminded of something I heard in an audio program I listened to about 20 years ago by Brian Tracy. He came out with a lot of zingers, but one of the gems that stayed with me was this. (For context, he was talking about the importance of being an entrepreneur and what it takes to be successful in business).