190: Cultivating Healthy Eroticism in Long-term Marriages, with Dan Purcell

It's so easy to notice how our spouse is making choices that get in the way of them getting what they really want.  Our brains expend tremendous amount of energy trying to get our spouses to see things our way, because from our vantage point, they're self-sabotaging, right? It's so obvious (to us anyway).  Of course, our spouses think think the same thing about us. :) If you or someone you love has ever felt this way, then this podcast episode is for you. We're going to talk about relational self-awareness: what it is, how to get it, and how to build a better relationship with your lover.  My guest today is Dr. Alexandra Solomon. She is a professor of marriage and family therapy at Northwestern university in Chicago. I recently read one of her books, Love Every Day, and we have a great chat about the principles in her book and those she teaches in her class. If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com

For a lot of us, we associate the word "eroticism" with something that's distasteful or something that we probably shouldn't want as a Christ-loving people, right?  We don't go embracing the things we see on Las Vegas billboards, for example. So eroticism to to some is kind of something hard to hear.  Now, this is a concept I teach towards the end of our retreats and my program because there's a lot of groundwork to cover first to understand it. And I understand that we generally don't talk about eroticism because it's very personal. But whether you believe that the book of Songs of Solomon / The Song of Songs in the Old Testament was inspired by God or just purely, really good Hebrew poetry, we have many examples, even in the Bible, of married couples using their eroticism to create something special within their relationship, something precious.  And that's the kind of eroticism I want to talk about today. It's the kind that will strengthen your marriage and bring you closer together.   If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com

Did you know that most couples that visit traditional sex therapy have very poor outcomes? They're still just as dissatisfied two years later as they were before therapy.  Now this insight is particularly striking to me. I think this happens because conventional sex therapy has a primary focus on the individual genitals and sexual dysfunction; there isn't a lot of focus on sex in the context of a marriage relationship.  I believe that both partners co-create their dynamic in the marriage. And thus, both people contribute to the challenges that they face in their relationship.  In my experience, sexual struggles are actually symptomatic of deeper issues within the relationship. Recognizing the shift from the focus of merely trying to fix the sex to understanding and nurturing the entire relationship is really important.  My guest today is Rhonda Farr. She is an intimacy coach and a personal friend of mine. In today's interview, you're going to hear about the time when a person asked her for sex while on an airplane. 😱 You'll get to hear her thoughts and why high achievers struggle in intimacy and in their marriage.  You'll also hear us role-play what a conversation might look like when addressing sexual desire difference concerns between a husband and a  wife. Learn about how to  If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

In this episode, we're going to be talking about making penetration pleasurable, a how to make intercourse amazing, and how to close the orgasm chasm in your marriage, as well as some specific techniques on how to make sex with your spouse sweeter and more worthwhile.  I love doing episodes like this because I learn a lot about how to make sex fun and meaningful in my own marriage. I'm reminded though that great sex is far more of a matter of the heart than it is about performance. I met Susan Bratton a year ago when we both shared the stage on Monica Tanner's intimacy summit. Susan is a woman in her sixties having sex like she's in her twenties. She's a gifted speaker and educator about sex and she covers a lot of material. I love how she helps me see what's possible for my wife and me in our own marriage bed.   If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.  

As you know, I love answering your questions all about sex, marriage, intimacy, and more. I recently had the opportunity to answer anonymous questions from my friend Hailey Reidhead's audience. Her listeners sent in questions which I was able to answer on her podcast, "She's a Lady," and Hailey allowed me to share it here with you. In this episode, we're going to address these great questions such as the following: Does hormonal birth control affect libido even after you stop using it? How often are couples actually having sex every week? What to do when one spouse has a much bigger sex drive and it's hard to keep up (and then you feel guilty for not having sex as often as they want) and how it feels bad telling them no so much. How to spice up a long term marriage And more!   I believe building an intimate marriage is one of the most rewarding, most satisfying work we can experience in this life. I also believe strongly that sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed by husbands and wives and I encourage you to ask questions and seek answers about your sexual relationship.  This is why my team and I have put together the new Get Your Marriage On Program. This program is designed for busy couples that want to fix the difficulties around sex and intimacy in their marriage for good. This program isn't about new positions or ways to spice things up. It's not superficial like that. It's about going much, much deeper. This program is ideal for anyone that is experiencing mismatched libidos, hang ups around intimacy, struggles with good girl or good boy syndrome, facing challenges from pornography use, or want help with communication. People in this program get real results. Check out the details on my website. If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Let's get one thing out of the way right up front: dirty talk isn't dirty. It's actually an intimate form of communication to let your spouse into your heart and mind. It's a way to express the erotic part of you with your lover. It's about using your words to arouse. The nice thing about married sex, is that it's a place you can go where things don't always have to be so cleaned up, you don't have to be so buttoned up. You can be less formal with each other and use language with each other you wouldn't use in any other context, creating more arousal, intimacy, and excitement. If "dirty talk" is something you've always found awkward or have no idea where to start, you're in for a treat.This episode with Melanie Studley from the Anatomy of Us podcast will hopefully help you and your lover discover a new way to draw closer together and have some sexy fun! If you would like more help developing arousing language and sexy stories in your marriage, you might want to try our guide: From Awkward to Arousing: A Guide to "Dirty Talking" for Christian Couples. (We recorded this podcast a couple years ago, but with so many new listeners, we wanted you to have a chance to hear it, so I've gone back to the archives so that I can share it with you today. )  If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 >>Our brand new, signature Get Your Marriage On Program!   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.   

In this episode will get a talk about how to make from behind sex positions, such as Doggy style, better. We'll talk about sex toys. We'll talk about unrealistic sexual fantasies. We'll talk about exploring your own body for sexual understanding. We'll also talk about how to treat delayed or premature ejaculation. This is going to be a really fun episode.   Just the other day, my wife and I were talking about how we, of all people were probably the least likely people on the planet to start a podcast and coaching program with the purpose of helping couples improve sex and intimacy. I guess God really does have a sense of humor. :-) Sex and marriage hasn't always come easy for my wife and I. It's something that we've learned to work towards, and it's something we'll continue to work on because it's very rewarding for us.  Part of the joy comes from the building of something we expect to last beyond a lifetime. We know the work we do in our marriage and family blesses not only our lives immediately, but our children and their children, and their children's lives to with the legacy that we'll leave. And I know we're not alone in this desire.  I appreciate your anonymous questions. If you'd like to ask me a question anonymously, you can submit one on our website. Show Highlights: 01:09 The Power of Marriage Coaching   03:22 Navigating Sexual Fantasies and Morals   07:09 Exploring Self and Shared Pleasure   14:11 Addressing Delayed and Premature Ejaculation   19:03 Mastering Sex Positions: Tips and Tricks   22:04 Choosing the Right Sex Toy for You   24:52 Closing Thoughts and Resources   If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 Our brand new, signature Get Your Marriage On Program!

After recording last week's episode, but Dr. Glenn and Phyllis hill, we stayed on and chat a little longer. We got started talking about sex dates and how Glen and Phyllis look forward to this time. So I suggested we record another episode to share this fun and creative concept with you. If you miss last week's episode, we talked a lot about emotional connection. This week's episode is all about this sexual connection, and it's a fun one and full of so many nuggets!  If you're like, we should totally do a sex date, but you want some specifics on how to make it amazing for yourselves, then save the dates in your calendar for July 12-14. Emily, and I will be putting on a virtual retreat where you get to join us from the comfort of your hotel room, Airbnb or bedroom. This retreat is focused on enhancing your sexual experiences as a couple. And the details are on our website. Get the Free Core Emotions Wheel referenced in the episode here.  Use code DAN to get a discount on Connection Code courses as well.   If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

Understanding and making sense of our emotions is absolutely essential to living well. We have parts of our brain that are responsible for making sense of our emotions. We also have parts of our brain dedicated to mapping the emotional state of those around us. Sometimes couples come to me for coaching because they don't feel emotionally connected to their spouse. There are a myriad of reasons why they're struggling in this area.  So I invited Dr. Glen hill, a marriage therapist, and his wife, Phyllis, onto this podcast to talk about their story and about the role of emotional connection in marriages. One thing I learned is when we use the word connection, we mean it in like, "We're not connected," in a negative connotation.  But the reality is, we are often connected, whether we like it or not. Sometimes we like the way we're connected or sometimes we don't like the way we're adversarially connected and fighting a lot. So learning to understand the difference between connection you like and and connection you don't like is an important step forward in learning how to communicate emotionally with your spouse a whole lot better .  In fact, in this episode, Glenn and Phyllis are so vulnerable and they share a practice about how they relate to each other emotionally. My wife and I have been doing this practice daily for about eight months now, sp I can personally vouch for this. I encourage couples like coach to try this practice as well! Get the Free Core Emotions Wheel referenced in the episode here.    If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App How to Become One: Overcoming obstacles to intimacy and significantly improving sex and connection in your marriage, in 90 days or less Next Level Virtual Lovemaking Retreat, July 12-13 Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 You can find links to all these and more at our website: getyourmarriageon.com   Disclaimer: The opinions and values expressed by guests on the Get Your Marriage On! podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and values of the host. Appearance on the podcast does not imply an endorsement of the guest or their products by Get Your Marriage On or its host. While we work hard to bring you quality and valuable content, listeners are encouraged to use their own best judgment in applying the information or products discussed on this podcast.

I'm humbled that you'd trust me with your most urgent and private questions--I receive anonymous questions every day through our website. We address a handful of these questions today and I'll plan another Q &A episode in a few weeks. Sometimes I'll combine a few related questions together to address things more efficiently. (Go to our website to submit your questions.) As I address these questions today, I hope you see a common thread in everything I share. It's my belief that really good sex and intimacy doesn't come easily because everything of value in life takes consistent effort. Building an intimate marriage isn't supposed to be an overnight task.  I want to invite you to think of it in this way: the obstacles you experienced in intimacy in your relationship is God's way of calling you to step in and grow up a little more in yourself and in your relationship with your spouse. Think of it as an invitation to learn how to take more personal responsibility, to learn to speak up, to learn, to be more humble, to be more honest, to be more patient, to be more kind, to be more compassionate, and to cherish your spouse more deeply than ever. Building a rewarding intimate marriage is indeed spiritual work.  I also believe sex is very core to who we are as an individual. Sex is so very personal. As a marriage coach, I solve sexual issues in the marriage first (with lots of compassion, by the way). These are delicate and real feelings, but if a couple can get the courage to address and work through their sexual difficulties first everything else in their marriage becomes a lot easier.  Whether it be finances, parenting in-laws, faith matters, or what direction the toilet paper roll should be loaded on the dispenser. I'm very grateful you've joined us today! Get ready to dive into these wonderful questions!   If you've enjoyed this episode, you might like these resources: Intimately Us App Couples Retreat in St. George, UT, October 10-13 Our brand new, signature Get Your Marriage On Program!