Social Engineering Your Way Into Friendship, From Picnics to the Six Points of Connection, with Charlotte Massey

Have you ever moved somewhere new and felt like you were on the outside looking in?This was Charlotte Massey when she moved to Seattle in the midst of the pandemic, when making friends was borderline impossible. Instead of accepting isolation, she got strategic about it. We’re taking friend-dating spreadsheets and sales funnel approaches.Charlotte is the executive director for the Seattle chapter of the U.S. Chamber of Connection, a new civic organization tackling the loneliness epidemic, and founder of the Seattle Picnic Society. In this episode, she offers so much inspiration and great advice for those not feeling connected where they’re at.Whether you're new to your city or you've been there for years, the principles are the same. Get specific about your invites. Show up consistently. Don't be afraid to follow up multiple times. Most importantly, if the community you want doesn't exist, create it.In this episode you’ll hear about:Charlotte’s move in 2021 and the challenges she faced, from the pandemic to the “Seattle freeze”How Charlotte used a sales funnel approach, “friend dating,” and intentional invites to connect new peopleThe Seattle Picnic Society – picnics that grew from five to one hundred attendees, and how you could create something similar in your communityBeing bold and persistent in reaching out to potential friends and looking at how you can improve on the Six Points of Connection Resources & LinksLearn more about the Seattle Picnic Society and the Six Points of Connection on the U.S. Chamber of Connection website.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Have you ever felt like you were the “extra invite?” The “filler friend?” The friend who gets invited to the big events but never the intimate gatherings?There are lots of reasons people find themselves in this position. Maybe a big life change has altered friend dynamics; maybe you’re just in a totally new friendship group. But maybe you’re also exhibiting behaviors that are keeping you on the fringe. If you want deeper friendships and to be part of more intimate gatherings, you can change this, and in this episode I offer tips  on how to do this, from initiating invitations to focusing on the individual connections in your group.But I also talk about the benefits of those “second tier” friendships. Don’t forget, they can still be beautiful connections in your life, even if they don’t become part of your inner circle.In this episode you’ll hear about:My friend who complained to me about always being the “extra invite” – and how she changed this to create a more fulfilling networkThe value in the Wheel of Connection in understanding the different kinds of friends, from familiar to defined connectionsWhy fringe friendships can be beautiful and meaningful, even if they are not all-encompassingThe benefits of strengthening relationships with each friend in a group, which consequently strengthens your connection with the group as a wholeResources & LinksListen to Episode 100 about the Wheel of Connection.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

There are songs about romantic heartbreak, but where are the songs about losing a friend who meant EVERYTHING to you? That’s what Leila Six and I want to know.Today’s guest, Leila Six, is a singer-songwriter who is asking the hard questions about friendship in her music, using art to contribute to a culture that values all kinds of love, not just the romantic kind.In this episode, we dive deep on why friendship deserves its own soundtrack, how art can help us process complex emotions, and what it looks like to be a social artist in a world that doesn't always value the art of connection.Leila just released a new version of her song, “Glad,” which is her love letter to platonic love, and in order to spread the word, she’s hosting a contest! The prize? A copy of Shasta Nelson’s book, Frientimacy. The contest ends on the International Day of Friendship, July 30.In this episode you’ll hear about:Challenges of voicing needs in friendships and the societal messages that friendship should be easy and effortlessLearning to handle conflicts in friendships, similar to how we handle conflicts in romantic relationshipsThe importance of having diverse relationships and maintaining proximity with friends, even if they are far awayThe lack of representation of real friendship experiences in media and art, often portraying friendship as overly romanticized or immatureResources & LinksFollow Leila Six on YouTube, listen to her music (including “Glad!”), and enter her contest!Listen to Episode 27 and Episode 69 about the loneliness epidemic; Episode 120 about how friendship is a political act; and Episodes 5 and Episode 7 with Alex Friedman.Follow Shasta Nelson on YouTube and Instagram, and read All About Love by Bell Hooks and How We Show Up by Mia Birdsong. Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

A few years ago, five sets of my friends moved away within a six-month period. These people were my emergency contacts, the people I did Sunday dinners with. I was devastated.This isn’t a unique experience; it often happens to people in their late 20s and early 30s, when life paths start to diverge. Friends get married and have kids. They travel the world and pursue their careers. The friendships start to feel different.I call this phenomenon the great friendship shift, which I talk about today with Ericka Parker, founder and CEO of SILKENN (who is also host of the Boss Babe Reset podcast, which I was recently a guest on!). What do you do when your priorities have shifted so dramatically that your old ways of connecting don't work anymore?When you look around and realize that your friendships feel different, it’s not a sign you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re growing. The key is to be intentional about the connections you want to nurture, and to create new patterns that actually work for this version of your life. In this episode you’ll hear about:The emotional experience of dealing with changing friendships, and how Ericka’s busy life has affected hersWhat Ericka set up for her “pineapple friends” that has been a game-changer for staying in touch despite moves and life changesProximity friendships vs. intentional friendships, and the benefits of having different friends for different areas of lifeBeing flexible and adaptable in friendships, and also, being respectful of each others’ seasons of life – plus, the amazing benefits of bragging about a friendResources & LinksListen to the episode of Boss Babe Reset that I was a guest on! And see Blake Blankenbecler, a friendship therapist mentioned in this episode, and follow her on Instagram.Listen to Episode 12 about the types of friendship roots, and listen to Episode 2, Episode 50, and Episode 63 about the value of having different friends in different areas of life. Plus, see Episode 20 and Episode 21 about navigating friendship shifts.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

The other day I was telling a friend about my goal to be better about responding to text messages in a more timely manner. My friend agreed: this was something I needed to work on! And this was fair. Other friends have called me out on this, too. But after recent episodes about virtual communities, parasocial relationships, and online friendship, it hit me that I’m not actually bad at ALL digital connection; I’m just drawn to certain types.In today’s episode, I delve into the spectrum of digital connection, which I’ve segmented into four levels: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections. I cover the purpose and challenges of each and why they matter.I hope this episode helps you find your “sweet spot” and figure out where you’d like to focus your digital attention, because here’s the thing about digital communication: it’s not just some optional add-on to friendship anymore. Whether our friends live across the world or ten minutes away, bumping into each other online is one of the primary ways we connect these days, so strengthening this skill will only help your friendships. In this episode you’ll hear about:My four levels of digital connection: surface-level signals, active updates, intentional connection, and deeper dive connections, and examples for eachUnderstanding our own strengths and weaknesses in digital connection and the practice it takes to become skilled in each formatThe value and challenges for each form of communication; for example, surface-level signals and active updates are easy to implement but can sometimes feel one-sidedCommon struggles in digital connection, including mismatched expectations, overwhelm, and guilt about missing updates, and how to manage these strugglesResources & LinksListen to my recent episodes on digital connection, including Episode 129 and Episode 130, about making friends online, and Episode 128 about parasocial relationships.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

In the past few episodes, I’ve talked about keeping in touch with friends through the digital space. This episode goes a step further: how do you MAKE friends online?Today’s guests are Claudia and Marcela, the mother-daughter duo behind the Minded Society, which offers a supportive virtual environment for women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, with monthly events, book clubs, and personalized connections, helping members find authentic friendships across distances. We dive into everything, from maintaining friendships across time zones to being intentional about using the digital world to form deep connections. If this sounds like something you’d enjoy, Minded Society is offering our listeners 50 percent off your first month, plus a free 14-day trial; use the code Friendship IRL on their website.Technology isn't a barrier to deep friendship; if you use it right, it can be a bridge that leads you to the kind of people who make you feel less alone in the world.In this episode you’ll hear about:The inception of Minded Society during the COVID-19 pandemic, driven by shared feelings of lonelinessWhat Minded Society is: a community that helps women form authentic friendships despite living in different parts of the worldThe importance of effort in maintaining online friendships, regardless of proximity or technology, and how to channel that effort (voice notes, phone calls, FaceTime, etc.)Generational differences in communication preferences and balancing effort and respect for others' boundariesResources & LinksListen to Episode 127 about calling your friends and Episode 24 about using the Marco Polo app. In this episode I also mention my Roots framework.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Are online friends REAL friends? I’m not talking about parasocial relationships, which are one-sided relationships; I’m talking about people you’ve had conversations with, people who know things about you. My personal opinion is that they most certainly are.In this episode, I talk in-depth about the difference between my friends I met in person and the friends I met online. I combat some of the pushback people have against people you meet online and highlight some of the benefits of online friendship, from global perspectives to professional support.At the end of the day, true connection isn't about where it started or how it's maintained. It's about how we are showing up for each other and supporting each other, whether that’s across the dinner table or across the world.In this episode you’ll hear about:How many of my current friendships started online, including podcast guests like Alex Friedman and Wesley StroupeWhere online friendships can form (business groups, social media, virtual reality forums, etc.) and how to maintain them (Zoom, Facetime, Marco Polo, social media)Finding niche friends online – for example, many of my professional friendships were formed in the digital space – and gaining global perspectives from themCommon concerns about online friendships: Will they fizzle out? Are they surface-level? Who actually IS this person from the internet?Resources & LinksListen to Episode 25 with Patrice Poltzer, Episode 48 with Michelle Reichman, Episode 72 with Wesley Stroop, Episode 44 with Deasha Waddup, and Episodes 5 and 7 with Alex Friedman.Also be sure to listen to Episode 128 about parasocial relationships!Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

The term ‘parasocial relationship’ was coined in the 1950s by American sociologists Donald Horton and Richard Wohl to describe how people connected with TV personalities at the time. Today, parasocial relationships have expanded to include celebrities, influencers, athletes – even podcast hosts! Social media in particular has taken parasocial relationships to a new level; it blows my mind how much I know about some people I’ve never met. In this episode, I talk all about the parasocial phenomenon: the positive and negative attributes to parasocial relationships, why we reach for them, and how they’re impacting our real (two-sided) connections.Parasocial relationships aren't inherently good or bad. They're just part of modern reality. They’re not going anywhere. So instead of judging them, maybe it’s time we get intentional about them. How can we use parasocial connections as a bridge to community rather than replacement for it?In this episode you’ll hear about:Stats to consider: 51 percent of Americans have parasocial relationships but only 16 percent actually acknowledge they’re in oneHow social media changed parasocial relationships, giving us more behind-the-scene access and real-time updates about the people we followThe emotional energy we invest in parasocial relationships and how they can impact real-life friendships, causing relationship distortionHow parasocial relationships can fill emotional needs, reduce stigma, provide behavioral modeling, and form communities in marginalized groupsResources & LinksListen to Episode 104 with Sharon Walters about how to get less passive and more active on podcasts and social media; Episode 91, about how to stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience; Episode 38 and Episode 39, about third places; and Episode 127, which is about calling your friends.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

When was the last time you just called a friend because you wanted to talk?We carry these super computers in our pockets, but sometimes, using them to stay in touch feels more complicated than ever. There are some people we can ring spontaneously. Others require multiple rounds of scheduling.This episode is about the gap between wanting to stay connected and actually doing it. Today’s guest Mark Houghton, doesn’t just relate to this problem; he decided to solve it by creating the SoonCall app, which tracks connections and reminds you when it’s time to reach out. Here, Mark and I dive into the complexities of staying in touch. What I love most about our conversation? Mark has normalized something we’ve all been feeling guilty about: the mental load of maintaining modern friendships, and how some of us need a little extra help.Intrigued by SoonCall? Mark has created a special offer for Friendship IRL listeners with six months of free access to SoonCall pro. In this episode you’ll hear about:How the SoonCall app was created out of Mark’s own personal need to manage long-distance friendshipsFeatures of SoonCall, from tracking calls to reminding us of birthdays and important datesHaving open conversations with our friends about how they feel about different kinds of connection, including spontaneous callsUsing SoonCall and other tools as ways to support (not replace!) personal interactionsThe exclusive SoonCall offer for Friendship IRL listeners: six months of free access to SoonCall ProResources & LinksMore on friendship goals: listen to Episode 23, where I talked about my personal friendship goals, or Episode 60, where I dive into why friendship goals matter and how to make them.Be sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

Sometimes friendship can be a powerful force for social and political change.This is according to today’s guest, Priya Vulchi, author of the newly-released (and AMAZING!) Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World, which offers a resounding cry that friendship is vital, not just for individual well-being, but for humanity itself.Priya is the co-founder of the nonprofit, Choose; was the youngest TED resident ever; has been published in places like The New York Times and Time Magazine; and is pursuing her Ph.D. in African and African American Studies at Harvard as a presidential scholar.In other words, she knows what she’s talking about. But here’s why I’m excited about this conversation: we talk about how real authentic friendship is actually RADICAL and can change the world, challenging the status quo and causing people to care about issues simply because they impact the people they love.In this episode you’ll hear about:Aristotle's three types of friendship – utility, pleasure, and virtue – and how these definitions still apply todayHow friendship challenges capitalistic models of overconsumption and self-reliance by relying on friends for favors instead of Uber or Amazon How friendship can be political, requiring people to challenge their self-interests and deepen relationshipsThe concept of heteros, or political friendship, and how it is as important as philia, or friendship of virtue; plus, the importance of joy in friendshipsResources & LinksBe sure to read Good Friends: Bonds That Change Us and the World by Priya Vulchi and her first book, Tell Me Who You Are: Sharing Our Stories of Race, Culture, and Identity, which she wrote with Winona Guo.Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!