When Your Relationship Has ADHD

This year I went through a formal ADHD assessment. Combined type, leaning heavily inattentive. My story is a classic one for women my age: very good girl, loud inner critic, years of masking. Then parenting, hormones and recognising neurodivergence in my own kids pushed my old coping strategies past their limit.The diagnosis was validating. It was also no big deal. I’d been quietly treating myself as someone with ADHD for years, mostly by noticing that what helped my kids helped me too.In this episode I share the seven beliefs that help me live well with my ADHD brain and go easier on myself:The world needs me at my bestIt’s okay if what I need is different from the normMy brain is a great ideas factory and a rubbish project managerMy relationships might need to look differentStop doing what isn’t workingExpect people to be okay and flexibleJudgement is optionalYou’ll also hear about the colour-coded bucket system that worked until it didn’t, why I put the washing away during work calls, and the box of puzzle pieces I finally let go of.Diagnosed, wondering, or seeing yourself in your kids, I hope one of these lands for you. If you’ve got a belief that helps you, I’d love to hear it.My meditation for people who struggle to rest, plus more support for ADHD brains, is on the Mind You app.

What would you like to be true about the hard thing you’re facing?You can’t always change what’s happening. You can change how you think and feel about it, and that changes how you get through it.In this episode I walk through the questions I use with clients to help them see difficult circumstances differently. From what a specialist told me about Star Wars while my dad was in intensive care, to what Richie McCaw would do, to what you’d say to your child if they were in your shoes.Feelings aren’t bad. You’re allowed to feel how you feel. If you’re stuck, one of these questions might be the one that shifts things.Every question from this episode is in the show notes in the Podcast Club on the Mind You app. Join for US$5 a month at https://mind-you.circle.so/checkout/mind-you-base

Hate your job but can’t work out what to do next? This one’s for you.This episode came from a listener request, plus a handful of DMs this week about the very same dilemma.When work stops lighting you up, “I don’t know what I want” can feel like the whole problem. In my experience, it’s often covering something else.I unpack the four kinds of stuck I see most in my therapy room: clarity, pathway, permission and price. For each one, I share what keeps people there and the practical steps that get them moving.I also talk about:the levers you can pull in your current job before you walk awayhow burnout can make a good job feel unbearablethe competence trap, and why being good at your job is no reason to stay foreverthe “I should just be grateful” guiltthe grief, identity shifts and relationship changes that come with a career pivotTake what fits and leave the rest. Then ask yourself what your next step is.Mentioned in this episode:Unbearable Feelings episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2vh7ZngihnqTVgO9UiawsDPreferred Futures episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/172bvOIVVm7uBScXt3jUsECliftonStrengths: https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengthsJoin the Podcast Club on the Mind You app to share what stood out for you and what you’re committing to next. Start here: charlottecummings.nzInstagram @charlottecummings_mindyou

What does a sleep expert do before bed?I sat down with Dr Sumit, ENT and sleep surgeon and co-founder of Auckland Sleep, to talk about why so many of us are exhausted and still can’t sleep.Sumit shares his own morning and evening routine, why sleep is a 24-hour cycle, and why you need time to just be before bed after a whole day of doing.We talk about what happens when sleep problems land in a relationship, the link between ADHD and sleep apnoea, melatonin for children, and why menopause can leave you lying awake just as the kids finally sleep through. Sumit also explains why so much sleep research has been based on men, and what that means for women.If you’ve decided bad sleep is just how it is for you, listen to this first.You can find Dr Sumit and his team at aucklandsleep.co.nz And, if you'd like to try Beauty Sleep, head to jeuneora.co.nzPlus, if you want to keep your own wellbeing on your to-do-list, let me help you - come and find the Mind You app at charlottecummings.nz

When one person changes, the relationship can feel like it’s suddenly playing by new rules. If you’re growing in a different direction from your partner, Charlotte Cummings offers practical ways to reconnect without asking either of you to become someone you’re not. A shift in career, faith, sobriety, personal growth, boundaries, or even your understanding of yourself can move the goalposts for both partners. Charlotte explores why these changes can unsettle a relationship - and how couples can make room for who they’re becoming. You’ll discover how to stay connected to each other’s inner worlds, ask questions that invite curiosity instead of conflict, and negotiate change without trying to persuade your partner. Charlotte also explores the grief that can come with leaving an old version of your relationship behind, and how to notice what still unites you. Plus, find out why doing something genuinely exciting together may help more than another pleasant dinner date, how difficult feelings can shape your reactions, and how to support a partner’s change without giving up your own beliefs or preferences. Change doesn’t automatically mean you’re growing apart. For couples in a season of uncertainty, this conversation offers a hopeful, grounded way to find new ways of being together while keeping safety and wellbeing at the centre.

What would change if you stopped dressing for other people? Deb Caldwell has built STORM on trusting her gut for 20 years, and I think her approach works just as well for your life as it does for your wardrobe.Deb is the founder and creative director of STORM, and she knows what it means to stay in your lane and trust that your people will find you. We talk about why trying to please everyone means losing what makes you different, why she doesn't believe balance exists, and what she hears women say in fitting rooms every single day. Spoiler: nobody is looking at your arms.We also get practical with your wardrobe. Deb shares her five minute declutter trick (it cleared out 22 blouses), why you should ignore the size on the label, and her number one rule: don't save anything for best.You'll see me wearing STORM on the Mind You podcast, and I love the confidence I get from these sharp, edgy, fun clothes. I hope you enjoy this conversation with Deb.Find STORM at stormonline.comExplore the Mind You app at charlottecummings.nz

Broadcaster Toni Street on public speaking nerves, confident communication, burnout and starting counselling for the first time in her life.Toni is one of New Zealand's most loved broadcasters. She's been on our screens and radios for 20 years and has hosted New Zealander of the Year for 12. And for a long time, she still broke into a cold sweat every time she had to speak.We talk about how to speak with confidence when every part of you wants to say no. Why people are judging you anyway, so you may as well put your hand up. Why waiting to feel 100% ready keeps capable people stuck while others get the opportunities. How to manufacture your own energy on camera. And why you don't need to be funny, or feel your best, to be worth listening to.Toni also opens up about her mental health. Hosting through an autoimmune condition and high doses of steroids. Losing three siblings. And this year, noticing her joy had gone flat, and seeing a counsellor who told her she was close to burnout. Everything on her plate was good. It was just too much.We get into micro moments of rest, calming an overloaded nervous system, and simple tricks for public speaking anxiety, including why wriggling your toes tells your body you're not being chased by a tiger.If you're a high-functioning woman who keeps saying no because you don't feel ready yet, this one's for you.Find Toni and her Confident Communication course at tonistreet.com or on Instagram @tonimstreet.Want to take this further? My new Mind You app has tools, courses and resources to help you put these ideas into practice. Find it at charlottecummings.nz.

Where do you get your sense of worth from? Most of us default to two answers: what we achieve, or what other people think of us. Neither holds up long term.In this episode I talk about non-contingent self-worth, the kind that doesn't move when your circumstances do. I see this come up constantly with clients, in burnout, in people-pleasing, even in addiction and infidelity. It always traces back to the same question: where does my value actually come from?Part of the answer is simple. You have value just for being human. Full stop. It has nothing to do with your achievements or what other people think of you, whatever your circumstances, whatever mistakes you've made, whatever season of life you're in.I get practical too. How to notice fawning. Why perfectionism is a shield, not a strength. How to let people see you unfinished. How to rest without earning it first.Nothing you do can make you more valuable. Nothing you do can make you less. That's the whole point.If this episode helped, I'd love you to follow the podcast, leave a review, or share it with someone who needs to hear it. Come find me at charlottecummings.nz for the Mind You app, courses and resources.

I don't think ADHD belongs to one person in a relationship. I think the relationship has ADHD.This week I'm unpacking what happens when ADHD (diagnosed early, diagnosed late, or still unnamed) shows up in a partnership, and why it affects both people, not just the one who has it. I talk about the emotional weight that comes with a late diagnosis, why rejection sensitive dysphoria is so common, and how understanding your unbearable feeling changes everything.I also share the practical stuff. Why I statements can backfire, how body doubling works, using AI to depersonalise decisions, fighting time blindness with routine, and giving yourself permission to outsource without shame.If ADHD is part of your relationship, I hope this gives you language, a bit of relief, and somewhere to start.Want more? Come find the Mind You app at charlottecummings.nzAnd here are the episodes I mentioned: Unbearable Feelings and Relationships https://open.spotify.com/episode/2H5kknVJxfiAwa1WjDXDPo?si=41eb4ed029d74536 and Unbearable Feelings https://open.spotify.com/episode/2vh7ZngihnqTVgO9UiawsD?si=5HvaQz6DRwSKvHuWQJV9Yg

I suddenly kept seeing my friends posting photos of their drawers and pantries, tagging The Home Edit and Mel Robbins. So I sat down and listened to the episode that started this decluttering frenzy. I came away furious, and worried for every overloaded woman hearing it - especially, the neurodivergent ones. My guest is Carrie from Curate Home NZ, a professional declutterer and home organiser who specialises in working with neurodivergent households. We both like Mel Robbins. We both like The Home Edit. What we don't like is telling an already overloaded woman that decluttering is simple, and she should just be able to get on and do it.We talk about:- Why the "it's simple, just do it" message misses what actually makes decluttering hard, whether or not you're neurodivergent - What decluttering looks like for a neurodivergent brain specifically, and why executive function makes it a much bigger task than it looks- The broken window effect, and why putting one thing away can feel completely pointless in an overwhelmed house- The shame spiral behind curated home content- Why the gendered mental load means "messy" gets judged completely differently depending on whose name is on the room- Practical, unglamorous advice for getting started without buying a single storage box. If this episode helps you, I would love you to follow Mind You, leave a review, or share it with someone who needs to hear it. Head to charlottecummings.nz for my other tools and resources, and to sign up for my new app, Mind You, the home for all my resources, post-podcast chat, and everything you need to actually care well for yourself.You can also find the lovely Carrie at curatehome.co.nz