"You should not be wanting sex" - How Shame kills your sex life (and how to stop that) | E27

“Feeling safe” is what makes great sex possible: your nervous system needs to feel completely at ease to really let go — but when your intimate encounter gets too safe, too planned, too nice, it’s no longer sexy. No matter if you’re man or woman. So how can you feel safe enough / provide the necessary “nervous system safety” to get sexy and maybe even a little kinky, without becoming boring? That's what this episode is about. We discuss: why your body won't do what you want on until it’s sure there's no tiger behind the tree why decisiveness is sexy: how to lead in bed without taking away their choice the nice guy paradox: how to stop getting friend-zoned now how to ask for what you want without fearing rejection (hint: it's not about you) If there's something you've been wanting to try, or say, and you haven't felt safe enough to go there yet, this is what you want to listen to today. == CHAPTERS: 01:30 Why men need to feel safe too 02:43 How to ask for something that you want, and be ok with a NO 03:12 How to have deeper conversations with your partner 03:41 What to do when energies don't exactly match 06:46 Why is the sense of safety so important 07:56 Safe enough or too safe? 10:19 Why decisiveness is sexy 13:15 How to regulate the nervous system – bedroom edit 14:17 The more they feel seen, the safer they feel 16:49 Safety starts with yourself 18:14 Secret Fantasies Live Workshop 19:43 Curiosity is what gets you laid 22:48 "Would you like to...?" vs. "Can I...?" 28:49 How to "actively listen" 31:01 How to touch “with quality” 33:52 How to re-establish safety in long-term relationships – and get that New Relationship Energy back 36:49 What if I'm afraid of being rejected? == You might also like - related to this topic: E19 | Threesome Fantasy? How To Talk To Your Partner About It (And Make It Happen) - on Apple or Spotify E22 | How To Share Secret Sexual Desires & Why We're Turned On By Taboos - on Apple or Spotify E23 | What's Really Cockblocking Your Wildest Fantasies (And How To Stop That Now) - on Apple or Spotify  == Chiara Hardie is an intimacy coach who shows you how to stop giving a damn what anyone thinks. She helps you find the confidence and freedom to express what you've never dared say — be it sex, taboos, or your relationships. Meet your mother's worst enemy at her next LIVE online workshop: Reserve your FREE seat

📩 FREE GUIDE: How to talk about sex with your partner — download our 10 prompts If anyone has ever said that to you "You should not be wanting so much sex" - related to how often you want it, a fantasy, or a desire that turned up uninvited — this one is for you. We go straight to the point today: shame is the cause of almost every problem in a relationship. We discuss: how shame is something that we are not born with – but that is rather taught us – for good and, not so good, reasons how body shame is a boner/libido killer why you should trust your desires how stop giving a fuck about what people think creates space for curiosity, endless possibilities, and new levels of pleasures If you’ve ever found yourself fighting with your partner about how much sex you’re (not) having – listen to this and go back to that conversation. == TIMESTAMPS 02:01 What is shame? 04:44 Shame is learned 07:09 What are you ashamed of? 10:46 Body image shame 12:40 Intimacy: the relationship with yourself, before anybody else 15:50 Stop giving a fuck and it will affect others 16:42 What happens on the other side of shame 18:15 Shame as an identity 19:17 Shame for kinks and fantasies 22:28 Trust your desires 24:58 Shame of craving intimacy with a partner 26:42 Ban the phrase "you should not want this" and you'll have a happier relationship 28:32 How knowing your values improves and deepens your relationship 29:43 Shame is a mechanism of control. Control comes from fear   For more info, visit deeperlovers.com == Curious about this topic? Don't miss these other episodes: » E4 | Don't Like The Way You Look? Reframing Body Shame Leads To Deeper Intimacy – Listen on Apple or Spotify » E23 | What's Really Cockblocking Your Wildest Fantasies (And How To Stop That) – Listen on Apple or Spotify » E24 | Why Suppressing Your Sexuality Is Counter Productive And How You Can Live Out Your Fantasies – Listen on Apple or Spotify » E26 | Open Or Monogamous Relationship? Neither Lasts Without These 3 Pillars — With Eva Di Pierro – Listen on Apple or Spotify == JOIN CHIARA'S NEXT LIVE WORKSHOP: "How To Share Your Secret Fantasies" Reserve your seat

⚡️ FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: "How To Share Your Secret Fantasies" — join Chiara live. Reserve your seat ⚡️ Today we are joined by Eva Di Pierro - a somatic practitioner and bodyworker who's spent over 15 years guiding individuals, couples and leaders into deeper connection and presence — we trained under her years ago and have been working with her since. Will and I built our relationship on being open. Eva built hers on staying monogamous. We sat down to find out what actually makes a relationship work — and it turns out the model has almost nothing to do with it. In this episode we explore: what is a Sacred Relationship how to have one why idolising your partner is a just a trap how past fears impact your present relationship the 3 pillars of a successful relationship (Intimacy, Polarity, Devotion) whether monogamy is a "safer" option than an open relationship – but not necessarily the only “right” option the difference between choosing from Love or from Fear (Chiara’s favourite) people’s “craziest” fantasy – it’s not what you think! For more info, visit deeperlovers.com == TIME STAMPS 03:52 What is a Sacred Relationship 05:11 Transactional Sex vs. Sacred Love 06:29 Why idolising your partner doesn't serve you (nor them) 12:17 What is Devotion 14:58 What happens when only one partner wants to grow 19:30 Faith and Trust as "Devotion" 21:33 How past fears impact your present relationship (or lack thereof) 24:38 Pillar 1: Intimacy 25:07 Pillar 2: Polarity 25:28 Pillar 3: Devotion 27:13 Sacrifice = Giving up something for Something Sacred 28:28 Being Worshipped to Know We Are Enough 31:53 Shallow vs. Deep Relationship Choices 33:27 Are you choosing from Love or from Fear? 34:28 Your Open Relationship Will Fail Without Clear Agreements 36:39 Deep Intimacy is THE most craved fantasy 38:24 Practical ritual tip for the highest form of intimacy 41:55 Touch more, Talk less == If you enjoyed this episode, don't miss: » E16 | How To Restore Masculine/Feminine Polarity To Bring The Passion Back When Your Relationship Gets Meh – Listen on Apple or Listen on Spotify » E23 | What's Really Cockblocking Your Wildest Fantasies (And How To Stop That) – Listen on Apple or Listen on Spotify » E25 | Partners Variety Fantasy But In A Monogamous Relationship? Here's How You Can Have Both – Listen on Apple or Listen on Spotify == JOIN CHIARA'S NEXT LIVE WORKSHOP: "How To Share Your Secret Fantasies" - Reserve your seat here

Book your free spot: Chiara’s Live Online Workshop “How To Share Your Secret Fantasies” – limited seats available Most people fantasise about being with someone other than their partner. That’s normal. The question is what you do with it. In this episode, we get into one of the most common — and least talked-about — sexual fantasies: desiring variety in sexual partners. We cover what ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy) looks like in practice – with all its various flavours - and how monogamous couples can safely explore this territory without anyone doing anything with anybody else. This is one of the many things that become possible when you learn to share fantasies with each other. We also end up in a surprisingly good conversation about "having a type" — where it comes from, why biology explains far less of it than you'd expect, and what you might be missing out on if you keep yourself constrained to a rigid checklist of qualities to tick off. == TIME STAMPS 00:00 E25 Non-monogamy fantasy - having variety 01:25 Partners variety (ENM) is amongst the most common sexual fantasies 03:59 ENM structures: dating separately 04:32 ENM structures: dating together as a couple >> shared experience 05:08 ENM structures: polyamory 05:19 Fantasies as a tool to explore ENM for monogamous couples 07:15 How To Share Your Secret Fantasies - live workshop 08:32 Why variety is important 09:24 Is "having a type" blocking or expanding your relationship potential? 12:16 Why do we have "a type"? 15:31 Become aware of your own conditioning to access a wider dating pool 18:57 Awareness is key 25:20 Listen to your dreams For more info, visit www.deeperlovers.com == Curious about better expressing and making your sexual fantasies happen? Don’t miss these episodes:   >> E19 | Threesome fantasy? How to talk to your partner about it (and make it happen) – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E22 | How to share secret sexual desires and why we're turned on by taboos – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E23 What's Really Cockblocking Your Wildest Fantasies (And How To Stop That) – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E24 Why Suppressing Your Fantasies Is Counter Productive – Listen on Apple or Spotify

⚡️Join us live: Free Online Workshop “How To Share Your Secret Fantasies” - Limited spots available⚡️ What if the fantasy you've been hiding is the exact thing your relationship needs? Most of us treat our desires like secrets — something to protect our partner from. Today we are joined by Paris, a longtime tantric practitioner and facilitator who went from completely frigid to living out every fantasy she's ever had. She is one of Will and Chiara's main teachers. In this episode we discuss: 🩶 why suppressing your fantasies makes them more obsessive, not less 🩶 how jealousy can turn into compersion (the opposite feeling to jealousy) — and what it takes to get there 🩶 the orgasm myths that's keeping millions of men and women from the best sex of their lives 🩶 tantric practices to expand genitals sensitivity and presence 🩶 how you transform your relationship when you start sharing out loud your desires 🩶 why men exploring their feminine side might be the sexiest thing you've ever witnessed (and how to get started) 🩶 the 21-day challenge that rewires how your body experiences pleasure Sharing and going after your desires doesn't damage a relationship. It deepens it. Listen to this incredible episode to know how. == TIME STAMPS 02:57 It's Time To Normalise Fantasies 03:42 Free Fantasies Live Workshop Invitation 04:41 Do You Know Where The Man's G-spot is? 05:47 Why It's Important To Live Out Your Fantasies 07:50 Serving vs. Taking 09:10 We Are Wired To Be Attracted To Others! 10:29 Jealousy vs. Compersion 11:05 Deal With Your Childhood Issues First! 11:57 Jealousy Is About YOU, Not Them 12:20 Jealousy Is Often FOMO 14:24 Try This   Biohack For Porn Addiction 16:53 How To Stop Your Sexual Obsessions 18:11 Why Suppressing Your Sexuality Is Counter Productive 20:24 Find A Tantric Community Near You... 21:26 ...Or Get Really Good At Communicating 24:28 Let's Normalise Sexual Language 25:26 Embrace The Slut Within You (for men and women) 26:54 How To Experience More Pleasure ( Debunking Orgasm Myths) 29:07 How To Improve Your Sex Life 34:17 The 21 Day Challenge 35:06 The Allowing vs. Forcing Principle 37:51 Exploring Fantasies As A Doorway To Deeper Connection And Trust 44:47 Bi-curiosity And Shame 46:46 Threesomes As Doorways To Brotherhood 48:29 Our Top Tips For Today == For more info, visit www.deeperlovers.com Paris & The New Tantra school: https://thenewtantra.com/ == More episodes on the same topic:   >> E17 | How to get 10-minute long orgasms (for both men and women) - Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E19 | Threesome fantasy? How to talk to your partner about it (and make it happen) – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E22 | How to share secret sexual desires and why we're turned on by taboos – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E23 What's Really Cockblocking Your Wildest Fantasies (And How To Stop That) – Listen on Apple or Spotify

What’s the thing that scares the shit out of most couples? Being seen for who they really are. And in sex? Sharing their fantasies. What’s the one thing that sits underneath every fantasy, every risk, and every deeply connected relationship? It’s TRUST. Most of us simply don't trust what will happen when we share ourselves completely. So, today’s episode is all about helping you doing exactly that. We cover: the difference between fantasy and action the reasons why "convincing" your partner never works why a hard "no" today doesn't mean no forever how to talk about what turns you on without pressing your partner how the nervous system needs to hear something a few times before it stops treating it like a threat The best relationships are not built on playing safe. They’re built on the kind of trust that lets two people tell the truth, stay close, explore, and grow together. If you've been sitting on a sexy fantasy for a while but haven't found the way in yet, this episode is the conversation you need to hear – make it a date night to listen to it with your partner! For more info, visit www.deeperlovers.com == TIME STAMPS 02:00 Free Fantasy Live Workshop Invitation 02:23 You Don't Know What You Don't Know 06:29 Challenging Times In A Relationship Don't Have To Be The End Of It 07:46 Trust Is What Changes Everything 10:01 What Are You Scared Of? 11:40 What Are They Going To Think? 13:08 How Chiara Felt Safe To Talk About Her Threesome Fantasy 14:42 The Secret Fantasies Workshop You Don't Want To Miss 15:19 How Do You Create Safety? 16:50 Is This A Relationship Worth Saving? 17:54 How To Know If You Should Turn Your Fantasy Into Reality 18:59 "I want to convince my partner to..." 22:09 Your Answer: Nervous System + Play 24:59 How To Find Your Voice 26:01 What Sops You From Sharing Fantasies 28:15 The Leap Of Faith To Trust 30:04 Ask Yourself This Question == More content about Sexual Fantasies: >> E6 | There’s No Shame In “Dirty” Fantasies: How Speaking Them Out Loud Transforms Taboos into Passion – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E19 | Threesome fantasy? How to talk to your partner about it (and make it happen) – Listen on Apple or Spotify   >> E22 | How to share secret sexual desires and why we're turned on by taboos – Listen on Apple or Spotify   JOIN CHIARA'S NEXT LIVE WORKSHOP: "How to share your secret fantasies and upgrade your sex life" Save your spot at https://chiarahardie.com/secret-fantasies-workshop-signup

>> FREE LIVE WORKSHOP: "Finally Share your Secret Fantasies without Shame or Fear" << REGISTER HERE Most of us were raised to believe that sexual fantasies are shameful - or just plain wrong. But what if those forbidden desires weren’t signs that something’s broken? In this episode, we get to the bottom of why so many people are turned on by taboos, what that says about our emotional wiring, and we share practical strategies to discuss fantasies with your partner in a way that builds trust, safety and - more importantly - turns them on, rather than scares them off. We also openly share some of own fantasies and struggles with taboos, as well as real-life stories from our clients, from threesomes and being dominated, to consensual non-consent, emphasising the significance of curiosity and trust in deepening sexual and emotional connections. If there’s something you’ve secretly desired but never dared to say out loud, today’s episode is your “how to” permission slip to get curious and start that super-hot conversation that you’ve always wanted to have. == TIME STAMPS 04:55 Your fantasies are actually normal 06:45 Why do we avoid talking about taboos? 13:58 Stay curious 17:03 Should I "request" or "propose" a kinky fantasy? 23:34 How to suggest a fantasy to your partner 24:39 Domination fantasy 27:16 Masculine and Feminine in all of us 30:03 Slutty and proud 31:36 Consensual non-consent fantasy 33:29 Rape play fantasy 36:26 Sex in public fantasy 36:58 Threesome fantasy 37:22 Dirty talking fantasy 38:34 10 prompts for deeper conversations == Free resources + next steps for your sexual healing journey:   >> Download the free guide: “10 phrases to start deeper conversations with your partner”   Listen to E16 on masculine/feminine polarity in relationships: on Apple or Spotify Listen to E19 on threesome fantasies: on Apple or Spotify   For more info, visit www.deeperlovers.com

Most people think the key to better sex and exciting relationships is learning the right moves or finding "The One". In an interview with one of our teachers, Will and I talk about why the patterns that hold you back in bed are the same ones that limit you in life. Why lack of intimacy isn’t about the other person, the sex positions, or your performance. And why feeling stuck, unseen, or frustrated in your relationship often has deeper roots that go far beyond your partner’s behaviour. Puja Lepp is an internationally sought after psychotherapist, retreat leader, and teacher. For over 30 years she has been supporting people through deep emotional healing and transformation. She is the founder of the Primal Childhood Deconditioning retreat, a seven-day immersive process designed to help participants access and release unprocessed emotions, break free from old survival patterns, and reconnect with their authentic selves. In this episode she shares the powerful truth we’ve seen again and again in our own journey and with our clients: you can’t separate your relationship struggles from your personal healing. But when you start doing the work on yourself—when you drop the mask and learn to show up fully—that’s when everything begins to change. == TIME STAMPS 04:03 How Inner Work And Sexual Healing Are Deeply Connected 08:32 Is This Type Of Work For You? The Impact on Romantic Relationships 12:26 Is "working on yourself" really harder than "pretending" and wearing masks of perfection? 13:27 We All Fear Not Being Loved 16:13 We can't Force Our Partner To Do The Work 19:07 Why Feeling Safe Is Key For a Successful Relationship 19:42 How To Help Your Parter Feel Safe With You 22:38 "Doing The Work" Has a Domino Effect On Your Life as A Whole 23:46 Healing As a Lifestyle 24:12 Start By Changing 1% a Day == Resources and next steps for your relationship healing journey:   >> FREE DOWNLOAD: “10 phrases to start deeper conversations with your partner” Join Chiara's next live workshop "Finally share your secret fantasies without shame or fear"

>> Register for Chiara's next LIVE WORKSHOP for free: "Finally Share your Secret Fantasies without Shame or Fear" To celebrate our podcast 1st anniversary, we address our clients’ most common questions in a live Q&A - from jealousy to sexual dynamics and open relationships. Partner communication, establishing trust, and addressing underlying issues in a relationship are some of the things we are experts on, and our goal is to provide you with practical tips that will enhance your romantic connections. If you feel even a little curious but shy, this is the episode for you. == TIME STAMPS 01:38 Q1. My Partner Does Not Want To Have Sex: Should We Open The Relationship? 02:48 The Risks of Opening a Relationship 06:09 Work On Your Own Relationship First 07:49 Q2. How Do I Know If My Partner Is Into Kinks? 11:09 Q3. I am So Jealous! How Do I deal With Jealousy? 18:48 Embracing Jealousy Can Keep You Safe 19:51 Your Body Has All The Answers 21:53 Q4. Am I Bi-Curious? 25:46 Q5. How Can A Man Stay Confident During Sex When Another Man Is In The Room? 29:23 It's All About Boundaries 29:59 Sexual Conditioning: What Is (Not) Doing For You? == YOUR GOODIES: >> FREE DOWNLOAD: “10 phrases to start deeper conversations with your partner” == Deeper Lovers on the web: www.deeperlovers.com

Secret Fantasies FREE LIVE workshop ALERT! Threesomes are one of the most common fantasies - yet only few people have the courage to act on them. Is it something you should try, or is it better left as a fantasy? In this episode, Will and Chiara explore the psychology behind group sex, the gap between fantasy and reality, and how to decide whether a threesome is right for you. They go over the key conversations couples need to have before inviting a third person in, including the emotional impact, managing expectations, and how to navigate jealousy - often the biggest deal breaker. They also explore how to test the waters with your partner - through dirty talk, fantasy role-play, or watching certain types of content together - to see if the idea is genuinely exciting or just intriguing in theory. For those considering taking the next step, they share practical guidance on finding the right third, whether through dating apps, social circles, or more curated experiences like sex-positive events. They also explain the difference between FMF (two women, one man) and MFM (two men, one woman) threesomes, how to avoid common pitfalls, and why communication is essential at every stage. Whether you're simply curious or seriously planning your adventure, this episode helps you explore your desires and possibility with clarity, awareness, compassion and respect for your relationship. == TIME STAMPS 00:00 Why is a threesome the most common fantasy? 03:29 Fantasy vs reality: why so many people regret it 04:09 Is your relationship ready for this? 07:21 Libido imbalances and why threesomes won’t fix them 09:19 How to start the conversation with your partner 11:25 Dirty talk as a way to explore the fantasy safely 17:24 What to expect emotionally before, during, and after 19:18 Finding a third: friends, strangers, or dating apps? 23:25 The risks of inviting someone from your social circle 26:00 Compersion: when watching your partner turns you on 30:42 FMF vs MFM: which is right for you? 33:00 Why many men find MFM threesomes easier 35:42 What women should know about MFM dynamics 37:45 Handling unexpected emotions in the moment 44:21 If you’re single, should you join a couple? 46:56 The biggest mistake couples make == If you want to learn more about sexual fantasies: >> Don’t miss our previous episode on Apple or Spotify: There’s No Shame In Dirty Fantasies: How Speaking Them Out Loud Can Transform Your Relationship == About Deeper Lovers: www.deeperlovers.com