How Desire Actually Works

Science writer Florence Williams felt blindsided when her twenty-five-year marriage unexpectedly fell apart. Trained as a journalist, Florence set out on an expedition to understand the science of heartbreak and game her way back to health. Enjoy this special excerpt from Florence's audiobook, "Heartbreak: A Personal and Scientific Journey", where you'll hear her talk about sex and dating amidst divorce. And if you’re interested in hearing more of her story, download the complete audiobook at pushkin.fm/heartbreak. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some people are just good at building and maintaining healthy partnerships. In their "Love Lab", the married researchers Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman have seen how certain couples interact in ways that mean they'll happily stick together for decades. Enjoy this special episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr Laurie Santos. The Gottmans join Dr Santos to explain what we can learn from these "Masters of Relationships" - so that the stresses and strains of life don't destroy our intimate partnerships. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A listener in his eighties wants to know if there’s an expiration date on his sex life, and how to reconnect in the bedroom with his wife. Luckily, Emily is writing a new book about sex in long-term relationships. She delves deep into what the research reveals about couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over many years. Plus, she shares practical, science-backed sex advice on aging and navigating your changing body.   If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show. Books mentioned by Emily:  “Magnificent Sex” by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz  “Black Girls Guide to Surviving Menopause” by Omisade Burney-Scott “What Fresh Hell Is This?” by Heather Corinna “Why Good Sex Matters” by Nan Wise ”Couples Sexuality After 60” by Barry and Emily MSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This week, Emily answers a question from her producer, Mo, about consent. Mo and her girlfriend are considering a new sexual experience but they’re not both an “enthusiastic yes” on the idea. Mo’s girlfriend joins the conversation, and they delve into the idea of “enthusiastic maybe” in consent and how to handle all the comfortable, joyful, and consensual “maybes” that can come up in sex. A heads up before listening: in this conversation, we touch on difficult topics such as coercion and manipulation in sex. If this episode brings up some feelings for you, check out our resources below. If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.    ADDITIONAL RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:  “ACE: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire Society” by Angela Chen  Emily learned the language of “willing consent” from Suzanne Iasenza For more on “human givers” and “human winners” read “Burnout”  Emily’s Tiktok  Emily’s definition of consent: “Everyone is glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences. Plus, there is no unwanted pain.”   CONSENT AND SURVIVOR RESOURCES:  RAINN on consent and information for sexual assault survivors  National Sexual Violence Resource Center Me Too Movement Resource Library   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We switch things up this week as Mo challenges Emily to watch and rate a sex scene from the popular TV show “Ted Lasso." Emily rarely watches sex scenes since they often create the myths she works so hard to dispel, but she agrees to endure this torture for the good of our sex education. The scene prompts a deep conversation about vulnerability in sex, the absolute prison of masculinity, and what the dual control model can teach us about our porn habits. If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Emily answers calls from listeners who are struggling with their orgasms, and debunks several myths about where orgasm happens in the body. She also explains how we can train our brains to change our experience of orgasm with some practice… and a little dismantling of the patriarchy. If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

For some people, sexual desire shows up totally spontaneously and out of the blue. But that’s not the case for this week’s listener, who wants to have sex with their girlfriend, but isn't feeling the same excitement as they did at beginning of the relationship. Emily introduces the science of responsive desire, which is not only totally normal and healthy, but also a more common way of experiencing desire. You can take Petra Zebroff's Questionnaire for Turn-on Initiation Preferences here.  If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A man is embarrassed about his curved penis, and his partner doesn’t know what to say to him because she’s not sure if the curviness is normal. Emily serves up some real talk about sexual anatomy and explains that we all have the same basic genital parts, regardless of the sex we were assigned at birth. Plus, Emily and her producer, Mo, discuss how to combat poisonous cultural messages about what kinds of bodies are "normal."If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The pandemic is really killing the mood and making it hard to prioritize pleasure. A listener calls in about losing the motivation to have sex, even with herself. To help answer the listener's question, Emily introduces groundbreaking research known as the "dual control model" and offers a simple but radical shift in the way we think about horniness.  If you have a question for Emily, call the Come As You Are hotline at (646) 397-8557‬ or send a voice memo to [email protected]. Tell us your pronouns and pseudonym (pick a name, any name!) Your question might be answered on the show.    SHOW NOTES:  Check out Emily’s free worksheets on her website to start applying the science of the dual control model to your own life.  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this prelude episode, educator and author Dr. Emily Nagoski argues that pleasure is the bedrock of sexual wellbeing. Emily is joined by writer and organizer adrienne maree brown, who offers advice on how to reconnect with pleasure and make it a lifelong practice.      See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.