Smoothing your edges: Why do I censor myself? | I’ve been thinking about this…

Why did we learn to treat objectification as normal? At 42, I’m looking back at the jokes I laughed off and the attention I thought I wanted. Birthdays have started to feel less like something I’m simply given and more like a privilege. As I turn 42, I’m thinking about the people I’ve lost, the year I’ve just lived and the word I chose for it: “fuck it”. A year of experimenting, saying yes and finding out what I might want to do more of. I’ve also been thinking about wintering: the seasons when you can’t skip ahead, when you have to slow down and let yourself see what’s actually there. One thing that has become harder to ignore is how much I learned to treat as normal. The sexist jokes. Being objectified. Smoothing over discomfort to stay palatable, or chasing attention because I thought that was what we were meant to want. This isn’t a question for the women who were targeted. It’s a question about the culture that taught so many of us to brush it off. I’m also reflecting on what happens when your body tells you a situation feels wrong, and what it means to stop overriding that feeling. If you’ve been looking back at things you once laughed off or accepted, listen to the full reflection. In this episode Turning 42, mortality and the privilege of being alive. A year of “fuck it”: experimenting, taking chances and getting out of your comfort zone. Wintering, reflection and the difficulty of trying to skip a season. Objectification, sexist jokes and the things many of us were taught to accept as normal. Listening to discomfort and deciding what you no longer want to put up with.   Listen next: Why do I downplay my achievements? The discomfort of owning your success | Felice Ayling. If this reflection made you think about the ways women learn to make themselves more acceptable, Felice and I explore how labels like “bossy”, “abrasive” and “too much” shape what women feel able to say and own. Spotify: Apple Podcasts:    About the Show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, midlife, identity, women and sexism, objectification of women, internalised misogyny, unlearning what we call normal.

What does a doula do, and who supports the mother during birth? Tif Bryant explains the role beyond home birth and alongside midwives and partners. When I hear the word doula, I picture home birth, candles and a birthing pool. Tif Bryant, co-founder of The Doula Hive, helps me understand the role beyond that picture: non-clinical physical, emotional and informational support through pregnancy, birth and postpartum. We talk about what support might look like in practice, from helping someone understand what is happening and ask questions to supporting their partner, too. A doula does not replace a midwife or make decisions for the person giving birth. Tif describes helping women feel informed and supported enough to advocate for themselves. The conversation also turns to the way birth can become focused on the baby’s outcome while the mother’s experience slips out of view. If you’re considering a doula, reflecting on your own birth, or trying to understand how to support someone else, this is a conversation about what women may need around them at one of life’s most unfamiliar moments. If you’ve ever wondered who is there for the mother during birth, listen to the full conversation for a fuller picture of what doula support can mean. In this conversation What doulas do, and why they are not only for home births. How a doula can support a partner as well as the person giving birth. The difference between non-clinical support and the clinical role of a midwife. How information and steady support can help someone ask questions and express what matters to them. Why the mother’s experience deserves attention alongside the baby’s health. Guest and resource Find out more about The Doula Hive. Listen next: Having a baby in NICU: Guilt, fear and finding your bond | Charlotte Corbett. Charlotte’s conversation also explores what it can feel like when care is centred on the baby and how to support the mother through a difficult birth experience. About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, motherhood, supporting others, women’s health, birth support, doula support. Listen to the show on Apple Podcasts or Podbean. Explore all episodes.

Do you ever soften an opinion before you’ve even said it, downplay something you’re good at or keep quiet because you’re worried about how it might come across? After my conversation with Felice Ayling, founder of Loud Women, I’ve been noticing how often I do this myself. I can be loud and opinionated, but I still catch myself making what I think sound a little more acceptable. Sometimes, by the time I’ve finished editing it in my head, I’ve lost what I wanted to say. In this short personal reflection, I explore how being good with people shaped the opportunities I was given early in my career, why showing up without everything polished still feels uncomfortable and what I might be holding back while trying to be liked. Something to think about: the next time you change how you’re about to say something, are you making it clearer or making yourself smaller? Listen to the full episode  Spotify Apple podcasts About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, relationships, self-trust, hyper-independence, asking for help, accepting support, doing everything yourself. Explore the podcast website

Fear of being seen can look like downplaying your achievements or keeping quiet. When did knowing you’re good at something become being “full of yourself”? I’m joined by Felice Ayling, founder of Loud Women, to explore why being liked can become more important than saying what we think, sharing what we know or going after something we want. Felice spent more than 20 years in marketing, but leaving corporate life and promoting her own business brought her face to face with how much of herself she had learnt to smooth away. I share how being told I lacked “gravitas” stayed with me long after the interview for a job I didn’t even want. We talk about why a compliment can make us uncomfortable, why we downplay our achievements and how one person’s criticism can end up shaping decisions for years. If you’ve ever wanted to put yourself out there, then immediately worried about who you think you are, there is plenty here to recognise. Listen to the full conversation if you’re tired of talking yourself out of saying something that matters to you. What’s inside Why being liked can take priority over expressing an opinion or acknowledging what you’re good at. How labels such as “bossy”, “abrasive” and “too much” can influence how women see themselves. Why accepting a compliment can feel harder than explaining your achievement away. What Felice means when she asks who else we’re supposed to be “full of”. The people and possibilities we might find when we stop hiding the parts of ourselves we think others won’t approve of. Connect with Felice Explore Loud Women, Felice’s marketing and brand growth consultancy for female founders. Listen next People pleasing: Are you choosing your life or managing everyone’s reactions? with Heidi Cullip. If this conversation made you notice how much you edit yourself for approval, Heidi’s episode explores how managing other people’s reactions can start shaping your whole life. Listen on Spotify | Listen on Apple Podcasts About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, confidence, work and ambition, fear of being seen, downplaying achievements, needing to be liked, fear of judgement. Explore the conversations on our website.

Hyper-independence can show up in the everyday habit of doing everything yourself. Why does asking for help feel so uncomfortable when you’re happy to offer it? Since my conversation with Rachel Mason, I’ve been thinking about my own determination to figure everything out. I’m resourceful, I believe everything is figureoutable, and I will happily disappear into endless YouTube tutorials to find an answer. Yet asking someone who has already done it, “How did you get there?” often doesn’t occur to me. In this short episode of I’ve Been Thinking About This…, I explore the gap between being capable of doing something alone and letting someone help. I don’t have a neatly packaged explanation for my own behaviour, but I am curious about why I’m so willing to offer support and so reluctant to ask for it. If you recognise that contradiction, this is a few minutes to consider it with me. In this reflection How doing everything yourself becomes the default, even when someone else could help. Believing that success leaves clues, while still trying to work it all out alone. Being the first to offer a hand and struggling to ask for one. Whether accepting support has to change how we see our own capability. Hear the conversation that started this In my full conversation with Rachel Mason, founder of Rayse Community, we explore saying “I’m fine”, worrying about being a burden and learning to receive support through difficult health experiences. Hear Rachel’s account of the hospital appointment that opens this reflection, alongside the wider conversation about recognising and expressing what we need. Spotify:  Apple:    About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, relationships, self-trust, hyper-independence, asking for help, accepting support, doing everything yourself. Explore the podcast website

Asking for help can feel uncomfortable when you’re used to saying “I’m fine”. What happens when you need support but worry about being a burden? Rachel Mason took herself to her hysterectomy on the train. She also stopped attending the therapy she’d been offered because she felt someone else needed it more. In this conversation, she talks about facing a difficult diagnosis, surgical menopause at 30 and how hard it could be to recognise and say what she needed, even with people around her who loved her. Rachel is the founder of Rayse, a community connecting people through shared genealogical health experiences. We explore the difference between having people around and feeling understood, the discomfort of questioning a doctor and what happened when her partner offered to accompany her to a scan she would normally attend alone. If you recognise the instinct to keep managing, or want to understand someone who rarely asks for anything, there is plenty here to consider. Listen to the full conversation if you’ve ever said “I’m fine” because explaining what was really happening felt harder. What’s inside Why saying “I’m fine” can feel easier than opening up another thing to deal with. Rachel’s experience of seeking further medical opinions while worrying about being difficult. Turning down support because someone else might need it more. The unfamiliar experience of letting someone be there when you’re used to managing alone. Finding people who understand your experience, even when you already have loving friends and family. Guest and resources Explore Rachel’s Rayse Community, where people connect through shared health experiences. Read NHS information about recovery after a hysterectomy, including emotional effects and support. Listen next Why aren't we talking about this: Sex and what we want My conversation with Ally Iseman explores another place where saying what we want can feel uncomfortable.  Spotify Apple   About the show: Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should — big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? It’s for midlife women who want to make sense of what they’re feeling, work out what they want and say what they need, without feeling selfish, ungrateful or like a terrible person. Especially when everyone else seems to have their sh*t figured out. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, these conversations can help you understand yourself a little better or know how to be there for someone else. Follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, relationships, women’s health, asking for help, feeling like a burden, accepting support, surgical menopause. Explore the podcast website

Wanting more from life doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for the life you already have. So why can it feel so uncomfortable to admit it? Your career’s fine, your relationship’s alright, and you’ve got plenty to be grateful for. But there’s still that question: is this it? Recorded live at Home, Life & You at ExCeL London, this conversation with identity coach Nadia Patel explores how to figure out what you want in life when you’ve spent years doing what you thought you should. I get honest about wanting to be really, really rich while talking down my own value, comparing myself with other people and feeling guilty about wanting their kind of money. We also get into sex becoming a chore, feeling disconnected from my body after IVF, and wanting desire back without quite knowing what I desire anymore. Nadia helps me question the stories underneath those contradictions, including what I believe someone like me is allowed to have. In this episode: Knowing what you actually want: three questions to explore the desires you don’t say out loud and the limits you’ve come to accept. Wanting more money without apologising for it: the tension between ambition, guilt and downplaying your own worth. How to feel sexy again: making room for pleasure when your own needs have ended up at the bottom of the list. Putting yourself first without feeling guilty: being grateful for what you have while allowing yourself to want something different. Changing when the people around you haven’t: navigating friendships, boundaries and the discomfort of becoming someone you haven’t been before. If you’ve been quietly wondering whether this is all there is, this conversation gives you space to ask what you want now, even if the answer is different from the one you gave twenty years ago. Listen to Next: People Pleasing: Heidi Cullip. Explore how other people’s expectations can shape your choices before you’ve even asked what you want. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, midlife, identity, wanting more from life, feeling unfulfilled, guilt about wanting more, putting yourself first.

What does baby loss support really look like, whether you’re grieving yourself or trying to be there for someone you love? Grief coach and Death on the Daily host Tanya Wilkinson joins me to share her experience of miscarriage and the death of her daughter, Ngākau Raiona, following termination for medical reasons (TFMR). We talk about how lonely grief can become when everyone wants to make things better, but nobody can, and how difficult it can be to tell your whole story when parts of it still feel impossible to say out loud. Baby loss isn’t my experience, and I’ve often worried so much about saying the wrong thing that I’ve said very little. If you’ve wondered what to say to someone who has lost a baby, or felt misunderstood by the people trying to support you, this conversation explores what helps, what hurts and how we can meet each other with more understanding. In this episode: Being there without trying to fix it: how to sit with someone’s pain, even when you can’t find the words. Saying their baby’s name: why acknowledging their child can mean so much, long after the initial messages stop. The “grief Olympics”: why the stage of pregnancy shouldn’t determine whether you feel entitled to grieve. Grieving differently from your partner: understanding each other’s needs and finding support beyond your relationship. Grief after termination for medical reasons: Tanya’s experience of the guilt, shame and silence surrounding what she calls “a taboo on a taboo”.   Listen to Next: Am I grieving wrong? Kate Nudds. A conversation about mixed feelings, different ways of grieving and the pressure to cope in a particular way. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, grief and loss, supporting others, baby loss, miscarriage, termination for medical reasons, saying your baby’s name.

What does life after NICU feel like when your baby is home, but you’re still on high alert? Charlotte joins me to share her experience of neonatal intensive care after her son Bertie was born ten weeks early. She describes NICU as “a beautiful horror movie”: somewhere that felt both safe and frightening, where the machines kept beeping, life outside carried on and she was trying to understand what her role was when other people were caring for her baby. We talk about going home without him, feeling torn between the hospital and her daughter, and how expressing milk became a job she could focus on when so much felt out of her control. Charlotte also shares something we don’t hear enough about: she didn’t feel that immediate bond with Bertie, and the moment she remembers connecting with him came five months later. Coming home brought relief, but it also brought new fears. Charlotte reflects on the anxiety, routines and need for control that stayed with her, the burnout she reached years later, and finally finding time to look after herself. If you’ve been through neonatal care, or want to understand how to support NICU parents, this conversation explores the parts that can be difficult to explain to anyone who wasn’t there. In this episode: Leaving hospital without your baby: the guilt of going home and feeling pulled between children who need you in different places. The pressure around expressing milk: how feeding became Charlotte’s focus, her routine and a way to feel she was doing something for Bertie. Bonding with your baby after NICU: Charlotte’s experience of feeling disconnected and the moment their connection began to feel different. The emotional impact beyond discharge: why coming home didn’t immediately bring the happiness or reassurance she had expected. Showing up for parents: short visits, practical help, respecting boundaries and offering company without asking them to carry your emotions too. Listen to Next: Burnout in Women — Shena Lee-Anthony. For another perspective on carrying on through a family health crisis, and recognising when you need support yourself. Spotify Apple   About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, motherhood, identity, life after NICU, premature birth, bringing your baby home, bonding after NICU.

How do you talk to your partner about sex when you’re not even sure how to explain what you want? You can be confident at work, clear about your opinions and capable in so many parts of your life, yet still struggle to say what feels good, what’s missing or what you’d like to try. Relationship coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure, Ally Iseman, joins me to explore why our own pleasure can feel so difficult to prioritise. We talk about the messages we grew up with, the habit of putting someone else’s experience first, and the difference between having sex and actually enjoying it. I also ask something I’ve been wondering as friends become single and discover a new sense of freedom: can you find that curiosity and excitement within the relationship you’re already in? We explore how to understand your own desires, build sexual confidence and talk about changing needs in a long-term relationship. From noticing small moments of pleasure in everyday life to finding the words for an awkward conversation, this is an honest discussion about getting to know yourself as you are now—and making room for your partner to keep changing too. If you want more pleasure or connection but worry about what asking for it might mean, there’s plenty here to think about. In this episode: Understanding what you enjoy: making space for your own pleasure when you’re used to focusing on someone else. Talking about sexual needs: sharing curiosity, nerves and desires without turning the conversation into an accusation. Wanting something different after years together: allowing your relationship to evolve as you both change. Finding pleasure beyond sex: noticing everyday sensations and exploring new experiences together, without pressure to perform. Exploring with consent: talking about new things before trying them and making room for each other’s boundaries. Find Ally and her relationship resources at Passport 2 Pleasure. Listen to Next: Sex in Long-Term Relationships — Ruth Ramsay. Continue exploring desire, the pressure to feel spontaneously in the mood and making space for intimacy. Spotify Apple About the show Why Aren’t We Talking About This? is a series of honest conversations about the stuff we rarely discuss but probably should—big feelings, weird thoughts, life, death, sex and all the messy, beautiful parts of being human. Hosted by me, Carly Osman-Holme, on a quest to dodge a full-blown existential crisis. I’ve reached that point in life where I’m asking the big questions: How did I get here? What do I actually want? And why didn’t they teach us any of this in school? A podcast for midlife women who’ve spent years being capable, responsible and there for everyone else, and are starting to ask what they actually want for themselves. From money and ambition to motherhood, grief, relationships and changing identity, we explore what’s going on underneath. If you want to understand yourself a little better, feel more confident saying what you need or know how to be there for someone else, follow the show for a new conversation every Thursday. Topics: Podcast for midlife women, understanding yourself, sex and intimacy, relationships, talking about sex, asking for pleasure, sexual confidence, intimacy in long-term relationships.