#199 Esther Perel: Cultivating Desire (2019)

In this episode, Erin Wade discusses her journey from being a practicing lawyer to making mac and cheese...as a business. Wade shares how surfing became a personal escape while managing a busy life as a CEO and mother, and how she applied lessons from her career to build a restaurant known for its strong workplace culture. She introduces the concept of open book management, which empowers employees by involving them in the company's financials and decisions, leading to higher engagement and performance.Erin also highlights her innovative approach to tackling sexual harassment in the workplace with the “color code of conduct,” a system now used globally in the restaurant industry. She reflects on the power of titles in shaping both external perception and self-identity, and the importance of managing for impact rather than intent. The conversation is packed with insights on leadership, culture-building, and how to create work environments where employees feel valued and empowered.Erin Wade is a chef, author, and entrepreneur. She is the Founder and CEO of Homeroom, a restaurant in Oakland, California, known in equal parts for its unique workplace culture and incredible macaroni and cheese. She has a degree in public policy from Princeton University and a law degree from UC Berkeley. Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at https://fs.blog/newsletter/ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@tkppodcast (00:00) Intro (02:30) Wade's surfing obsession (04:42) Defeating overthinking (05:00) Wade's background in food (06:40) Wade's law detour (10:20) On being fired (12:40) Early mistakes and freedom (20:00) Employee-centric companies (32:30) Homeroom Hard Times (34:40) How Wade's law background helped (and hurt) (42:40) The Color Code of Conduct (49:30) Why Wade sold Homeroom (and how she felt) (55:58) Impact vs. Intent (59:00) Why titles are important (01:04:00) On success

Shane Parrish sits down with Matthew Dicks, a renowned storyteller, author, and teacher, to explore the nuanced art of storytelling. They go deep into the techniques that turn mediocre stories into masterful ones. You’ll learn what makes a story truly resonate with an audience, how to identify and highlight the pivotal moments that create emotional impact, the architecture of compelling stories, how to structure narratives for maximum engagement and how to use techniques like suspense, stakes, and humor to keep audiences on the edge of their seats. This conversation covers broad frameworks, like how to structure a great story—and the granular details, like when you should talk quietly to refocus the audience. Matthew Dicks is novelist, storyteller, columnist, playwright, blogger, and teacher. He’s published fiction and non-fiction books, the latter of which include: Storyworthy: Engage, Teach, Persuade, and Change Your Life Through the Power of Storytelling and Someday Is Today: 22 Simple, Actionable Ways to Propel Your Creative Life. (00:00:00 Intro (00:03:28) What makes a good story (00:06:57) Stories vs anecdotes (00:08:29) A Story: The Spoon of Power (00:17:42) The art of story architecture (00:21:28) Create compelling stories (00:36:30) Common mistakes & how to fix them (00:55:01) Strategic listening (01:03:32) Can you lie in stories? (01:05:10) 'And' stories vs. 'but / therefore' stories (01:10:05) Finding engaging stories in everyday life (01:20:05) Structuring a story (01:24:00) Storytelling for an unforgettable brand (01:31:20) Learn confidence (01:38:40) Writing vs telling a story (01:51:53) Teach kids to love writing (01:55:15) Define success Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at https://fs.blog/newsletter/ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@tkppodcast -- Sponsor: Overlap https://www.joinoverlap.com/ - Listen to podcasts like never before.

Unlock the secrets of product positioning with April Dunford. Learn how to: Identify customer pain points Craft compelling sales copy Stand out from big competitors Whether you're a startup founder or corporate executive, this episode will revolutionize your marketing strategy. Designers, engineers, and marketers: discover insider tips to boost your career and drive results. Don't miss this deep and practical conversation on positioning your product for success. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at https://fs.blog/newsletter/ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (02:07) Positioning, explained (16:47) Why is positioning important? (20:40) B2B vs. B2C positioning (29:03) When re-positioning a product failed (32:31) How to identify customer's pain points (34:35) How to position a product on a sales page (38:06) How technology has changed positioning (41:40) How to evaluate product positioning (45:43) Who's in charge of positioning at a company? (50:27) On storytelling (56:35) Should a company have a point of view on the market? (1:00:21) Dealing with gatekeepers in B2B marketing (1:03:02) Mistakes people make with positioning (1:05:21) What schools get wrong about marketing (1:08:59) Secrets of B2B decision-making (1:11:18) On success

Brian Halligan, co-founder and former CEO of HubSpot, discusses the journey of leading a company from the startup phase to IPO. Halligan shares his personal and professional experiences, including a snowmobiling accident that altered his life trajectory, the importance of company culture, the nuances of hiring the right people, and the complications involved in running a growing organization. This episode is a must-listen for entrepreneurs, CEOs, and anyone interested in the intersection of personal growth and professional success. Brian Halligan is currently a Senior Advisor at Sequoia Capital. In 2006, he co-founded HubSpot and served as its CEO until 2021. He is also a senior lecturer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠-- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (02:36) Halligan's life-changing snowmobile accident (09:38) Shane's life-changing medical mystery (14:38) The different phases a CEO goes through while growing companies (20:44) Lessons learned from Steve Jobs (23:18) How to hire and fire people (and when) (27:55) The problems with "Best Practices" in business (31:11) The most underrated public CEOs (and why Jerry Garcia from The Grateful Dead is on this list) (43:38) The history and future of inbound marketing (51:08) On decision making (55:18) On work-life balance (58:28) On success Watch the episode on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/theknowledgeproject/videos⁠⁠⁠⁠ Newsletter - I share timeless insights and ideas you can use at work and home. Join over 600k others every Sunday and subscribe to Brain Food. Try it: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠⁠⁠⁠ My Book! Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results is out now - ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/clear/⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/

Few episodes in The Knowledge Project’s nine-year history have impacted people’s relationships and lives more than when Esther Perel shared her infinite wisdom for the first time in 2019. Shane and Esther discuss how the stories you tell yourself shape how you see the world (and what to do about that), the important conversations to have at the beginning of a relationship, the most common arguments couples have and how to prevent them, what to say to a partner if the relationship isn’t working out, the relationship between desire, love, and pleasure, and so much more. Plus, the conversation starts out on an interesting note: Esther Perel shares stories about her parents surviving the Holocaust and how their experiences shaped her childhood and continue to shape her life today. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro(02:38) Coming back to life after the war(08:09) The myth of stability(11:30) The power of reflections(19:48) Important conversations for early relationships(24:20) Can values change in relationships?(27:20) Being secure in a relationship(30:40) Better conversations with your partner(33:00) What's behind every criticism(36:52) Too much honesty(39:37) What happens if I don't love my partner(47:12) Why does good sex fade in relationships?(50:59) Love vs. desire(55:38) How to have difficult conversations with your partner(01:05:13) Conscious uncoupling Watch the episode on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/theknowledgeproject/videos⁠⁠⁠ Newsletter - I share timeless insights and ideas you can use at work and home. Join over 600k others every Sunday and subscribe to Brain Food. Try it: ⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠⁠⁠ My Book! Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results is out now - ⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/clear/⁠⁠⁠ Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠ Join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/

Shane Parrish and Maya Shankar dive into the complexities of identity and personal transformation. They explore how significant life changes can reshape one's sense of self and explain how to navigate these transitions. Maya shares her personal stories and tips on making proactive choices and keeping a flexible, layered sense of self. They also discuss the psychological and philosophical aspects of identity, offering practical advice on goal-setting and personal growth. Maya Shankar is a cognitive scientist and the creator, executive producer, and host of the podcast, A Slight Change of Plans. Shankar was a Senior Advisor in the Obama White House, where she founded and served as Chair of the White House Behavioral Science Team. She holds a Ph.D. in Cognitive Psychology from Oxford and a B.A from Yale. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠-- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (02:40) Shankar's "almost unbelievable" story of getting into Julliard (05:30) Why Shankar studied identity (11:38) What is identity? (14:52) Using your identity to accomplish your goals (18:00) Using anti-identities to accomplish your goals (18:51) What to do when your identity is "attacked" (26:30) How to re-establish trust in institutions (32:30) Use identity to start a positive habit (35:35) How to debunk myths with stories and facts (37:18) How does how we frame our goals help (or prevent) us from accomplishing them (43:11) The one motivational technique Shankar uses every day (45:15) On success Watch the episode on YouTube: ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/theknowledgeproject/videos⁠⁠ Newsletter - I share timeless insights and ideas you can use at work and home. Join over 600k others every Sunday and subscribe to Brain Food. Try it: ⁠⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠⁠ My Book! Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results is out now - ⁠⁠https://fs.blog/clear/⁠⁠ Follow me: ⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠ Join our membership: ⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/

It's surprising how often we give our kids orders: "Do this!" "Don't do that!" But if we want to raise resilient and independent kids, is this the right approach? Michaeleen Doucleff argues there's a better way, and in this conversation, she explains why and shares practical strategies for solving the parenting "crisis" in the modern world. In this conversation, Doucleff reveals four parenting principles that will help foster resilience and independence in your kids while protecting and enhancing their emotional well-being. Shane and Doucleff discuss her observations on how different cultures approach parenting and how their practices can help alleviate the burdens we place on ourselves and our children. We also explore the role of technology and its impact on our parenting and our children's development and maturity.Michaeleen Doucleff is the author of Hunt, Gather, Parent. Her work has taken her all over the world to explore, observe, and learn from the parenting practices of various cultures. She is also a correspondent for NPR's Science Desk. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (04:12) How (and why) we've lost our way as parents (08:02) The rise of the nuclear family (13:46) TEAM Parenting: T (17:20) TEAM Parenting: E (23:01) Why you don't need to praise your child (26:12) TEAM Parenting: A (36:42) TEAM Parenting: M (38:34) "Kids do not need to be entertained" (39:12) Technology, parenting, and transmitting values (1:02:59) Resources parents can use to educate kids about technology (1:04:50) How you can use the environment to give kids autonomy (1:09:56) Success and parenting Watch the episode on YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/theknowledgeproject/videos⁠ Newsletter - I share timeless insights and ideas you can use at work and home. Join over 600k others every Sunday and subscribe to Brain Food. Try it: ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠ My Book! Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results is out now - ⁠https://fs.blog/clear/⁠ Follow me: ⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠ Join our membership: ⁠https://fs.blog/membership/

Succeeding in both life and business is very difficult. The skills needed to scale a company often clash with those required to cultivate a thriving home life. Yet, Brent Beshore seems to have cracked the code—or at least he's actively working on it. In this conversation, he spills his secrets on excelling in both arenas. This episode is split into two parts: the first 45 minutes covers life and how to be a better person. Brent opens up about the evolution of his marriage, physical health, and inner life. The rest of the episode focuses on business. Shane and Beshore discuss private equity, how to hire (and when to fire) CEOs, incentives, why debt isn’t a good thing in an unpredictable world, stewardship versus ownership, and why personality tests are so important for a functional organization.After beginning his career as an entrepreneur, Brent Beshore founded Permanent Equity in 2007 and leads the firm as CEO. He works with investors and operators to evaluate new investment opportunities. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Sponsors: Shopify: Making commerce better for everyone. https://www.shopify.com/shane Protekt: Simple solutions to support healthy routines. Enter the code "Knowledge" at checkout to receive 30% off your order. https://protekt.com/knowledge -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (05:08) Why Brent examined his life (09:44) How Brent "fixed" his relationships (20:04) How helping hurts (32:13) How Brent was subtly controlling relationships (40:36) Why Brent stopped drinking (mostly) (50:29) How to run a business with love yet competitively (01:00:34) Win-win relationships (01:05:34) On debt (01:19:28) On incentives (01:29:08) How to hire and fire CEOs (01:34:18) What most people miss about hiring (01:44:19) Brent's playbook for taking over a company (01:51:20) On projections (01:55:52) Revisiting investments (01:58:44) How "hands-off" is Brent? (02:08:34) Where people go wrong in private equity (02:14:07) On success

The skills it takes to get rich are drastically different from the skills it takes to stay rich. Few understand this phenomenon more than Morgan Housel. He's identified unique lessons about wealth, happiness, and money by studying the world's richest families and learning what they did to build their wealth and just how quickly they squandered it all.In this conversation, Shane and Housel discuss various aspects of risk-taking, wealth accumulation, and financial independence. Morgan explains the importance of understanding personal financial goals and the dangers of social comparison, lets everyone in on his personal financial “mistake” that instantly made him sleep better at night, and why the poorest people in the world disproportionately play the lottery—and why it makes sense that they do. They also touch on the influence of upbringing on financial behaviors, the difference between being rich and wealthy, and the critical role of compounding in financial success. Of course, we can’t have a writer as good as Morgan Housel on the podcast and not ask him about his process, so Housel concludes with insights into storytelling, his writing processes, and the importance of leading by example in teaching financial values to children. Morgan Housel is a partner at Collaborative Fund. Previously, he was an analyst at The Motley Fool. He is a two-time winner of the Best in Business Award from the Society of American Business Editors and Writers and was selected by the Columbia Journalism Review for the Best Business Writing anthology. He's the author of two books: The Psychology of Money and Same as Ever. -- Newsletter - The Brain Food newsletter delivers actionable insights and thoughtful ideas every Sunday. It takes 5 minutes to read, and it’s completely free. Learn more and sign up at ⁠https://fs.blog/newsletter/⁠ -- Upgrade — If you want to hear my thoughts and reflections at the end of the episode, join our membership: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://fs.blog/membership/⁠⁠⁠ and get your own private feed. -- Follow me: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ -- Sponsors Protekt: Simple solutions to support healthy routines. Enter the code "Knowledge" at checkout to receive 30% off your order. ⁠https://protekt.com/knowledge -- Timestamps: (00:00) Intro (04:46) Risk and income (07:40) On luck and skill (10:10) Buffett's secret strategy (12:28) The one trait you need to build wealth (16:20) Housel's capital allocation strategy (16:48) Index funds, explained (20:59) Expectations and moving goalposts (22:17) Your house: asset or liability? (27:39) Money lies we believe (32:12) How to avoid status games (35:04) Money rules from parents (40:15) Rich vs. wealthy (41:46) Housel's influential role models (42:48) Why are rich people miserable? (45:59) How success sows the seeds of average performance (49:50) On risk (50:59) Making money, spending money, saving money (52:50) How the Vanderbilt's squandered their wealth (1:04:11) How to manage your expectations (01:06:26) How to talk to kids about money (01:09:52) The biggest risk to capitalism (01:13:56) The magic of compounding (01:16:18) How Morgan reads (01:22:42) How to tell the best story (01:24:42) How Morgan writes (01:35:42) Parting wisdom and thoughts on success

Over the last decade, therapy has become the de facto solution to solve all sorts of problems for all sorts of people. Everyone has slowly accepted that therapy is normal and a net benefit to society. But instead of helping kids work through difficult circumstances, what if it's just making the problems worse? That's what Abigail Shrier thinks is happening, and in this conversation, she reveals some surprising reasons why. Shane and Shrier discuss the real reason therapy is "bad," how we got to this point of acceptance as a culture, and what you can do as a parent to get back to normalcy. Shrier also shares her experiences with lifelong therapy patients, who should actually be in therapy, and the one thing that makes someone a successful parent. Watch the episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/theknowledgeproject/videos Newsletter - I share timeless insights and ideas you can use at work and home. Join over 600k others every Sunday and subscribe to Brain Food. Try it: https://fs.blog/newsletter/ My Book! Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results is out now - https://fs.blog/clear/  Follow me: https://beacons.ai/shaneparrish Join our membership: https://fs.blog/membership/ Sponsors: Shopify: Making commerce better for everyone. https://www.shopify.com/shane Protekt: Simple solutions to support healthy routines. Enter the code "Knowledge" at checkout to receive 30% off your order. https://protekt.com/knowledge (00:00) Intro (05:44) Inverse: How do we raise mentally unstable kids? (08:29) How we got to now (11:45) Bad therapy...or just social trends? (13:21) Being your kids' friend: good or bad? (15:55) The parenting type that raises the BEST kids (21:35) Is this all the parents' fault? (29:53) Is "Bad Therapy" a world-wide problem? (32:57) Talk to your kids' therapist about these things (42:09) The importance of facing adversity in childhood (47:06) Can we blame grad schools for all of this? (49:14) On technology and social media (51:03) Schools should "never" have gotten involved in mental health (54:43) Did COVID accelerate "bad therapy?" (56:07) How to return to normalcy (58:21) Why Shane shares negative YouTube comments with his kids (01:01:23) Shrier's experience being "cancelled" (01:04:13) On prestige media (01:07:47) Small steps parents can take to return to normal (01:11:02) Dealing with schools saying one thing and parents saying another (01:13:32) Why is the silent majority...silent? (01:16:32) If this continues, what happens? (01:18:19) What makes someone a successful parent?