Positive Parenting: Using Strengths to Motivate and Understand our Kids

Ask Rachel anythingMy kids went through a series of friendship bust-ups when they were young teens; it's inevitable. It's an amazing time of learning about themselves, discovering where their values lie, and learning that everyone makes mistakes. My kids have told me that one of the best things I've done is to show them my own mistakes, and apologise wholeheartedly when I do mess up. They say it's made them feel much better about their struggles because it's allowed them to have a vision of being a human who doesn't have to be perfect. My substack:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.comMy two top takeways are:Help your kids see the difference between the 'doing' and the 'doer'. Our kids are learning how cope in a very complicated world so they are definitely going to make some really dumb mistakes and do what seem to be terrible things. Those things don't mean they are a bad person, they mean they are a human who is still learning. We can help them by being careful with our own language at home. Don't call them lazy, say you don't like that they didn't do the thing they said they'd  do. Show your kids that nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes; it's what we do about them that defines us. Apologising when we do mess up is one of the greatest superpowers we can develop.The episode about friendships with Megan Saxelby:https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/friendship-struggles?r=2u24i0&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=webSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingMattering is a deep human need to feel valued beyond achievements. It's something we all need, but are we getting it?The new book by Jennifer Breheney-Wallace focuses on "Mattering," discussing how societal pressures, particularly on teenagers, exacerbate this need. She emphasizes the importance of adults feeling valued at work to better support their children. Wallace suggests practical strategies like minimizing criticism, prioritizing affection, and fostering interdependent relationships. She also highlights the impact of social media on extrinsic values and stresses the need for parents to focus on intrinsic values to raise resilient, well-rounded children.FIND JENNIFER HERE:https://www.jenniferbwallace.com/BUY MATTERING HERE:https://amzn.eu/d/0fX3Q4KdFIND RACHEL'S SUBSTACK ARTICLE TO ACCOMPANY THIS INTERVIEW HERE:https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/you-matter-no-matter-what?r=2u24i0&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=webMattering is a fundamental human need that drives behavior.The adolescent years are particularly fragile for developing a sense of mattering.Adults also struggle with feelings of not mattering, impacting their ability to support teens.Building connections and support systems is essential for both parents and children.Minimizing criticism and prioritizing affection helps children feel valued.Surrounding oneself with supportive families can reinforce shared values.Focusing on intrinsic values over extrinsic ones promotes better mental health.Social media exacerbates feelings of inadequacy and should be monitored.Parents can counter achievement pressures by communicating unconditional love.Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingCamilla asked if I could do a short recap of the things we’ve talked about on the podcast that will help us help our kids most. So here it is! Now, tell me what you want for next week.Click this link for a list of the top tips:https://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/helping-our-kids-with-their-exam?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=webSupport the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWhen Brooklyn Beckham publicly announced he didn't want to reconcile with his parents he was joining a painful catalogue of family stories that have gone wrong. Estrangement is reportedly on the rise in Western societies but what's behind it? Dr Joshua Coleman spends his life working with estranged parents so he sees, first hand, the main factors that can lead to it. He highlights that while emotional abuse is often cited as a cause, it's often a matter of unmet expectations and generational differences. Some of the core drivers are divorce, children marrying someone who doesn't get on with your family, social media ideals, therapy culture and individualism. Given that estrangement can be emotionally devastating for parents, leading to feelings of isolation and loss, he advises parents to take their children's complaints seriously and to be open to therapy and family discussions.  Dr Joshua Coleman:Family Troubles: https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/https://joshuacolemanphd.substack.com/p/how-to-not-become-estrangedhttps://www.drjoshuacoleman.com/Teenagers Untangled Community Substack:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingFor all of the tips click here:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-teen-about-bodyhttps://open.substack.com/pub/teenagersuntangled/p/how-to-get-your-kids-to-do-their?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=post%20viewerA healthy body image: Feeling happy and satisfied with your body and what it can do. An unhealthy body image: Highly self-critical, comparing their body to others and obsessing about some aspect of it. Beauty and body image are universal triggers for shame. Shame is a deeply painful sensation from the belief that we’re not good enough and will not be accepted by a group.Only 5% of American women have the body type that advertising depicts as ideal. People magazine poll found that 80% of women respondents felt insecure when they viewed images of women in TV and films. There’s an entire industry fueling our negative feelings regarding body image.Resources:https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/healthy-lifestyle/body-image/body-image-teensThe Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor I Thought it was just me by Brené BrownPrevious episode:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/104-teen-weight-and-body-image-a-mother-and-daughter-explore-the-issues/Chores: Household duties develop a sense of purpose. Lack of purpose is one of the most reported problems in suicidal people. Teens are capable of doing practically any household duty and gives them a sense of belonging to the family team.The Gift of Failure Jessica Lahey: Children prefer parents who hold them responsible for not meeting expectations over those who monitor their children. Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingFor the full explanation click this link to my Substack:https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangled/note/p-187427201?r=2u24i0&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=webOld episodes on manners:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/empty-nest-how-to-cope-when-your-teen-moves-out-also-manners-what-are-they-and-what-should-we-te/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/manners-parenting-to-help-teens-succeed-in-life-by-teaching-the-importance-of-good-manners/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anything'Early adolescence is a friendship meat grinder, and your kid will eventually find their people,' according to Megan Saxelby of Wild Feelings. But oh boy it's tough!  Megan wants parents to know that using words like “dramatic” to describe genuine social pain can accidentally give us permission to dismiss their emotional reality and teach our kids that their experiences doesn’t deserve to be taken seriously.In today’s episode we explore why it hurts so much to watch our child struggle socially, and why our instincts to either dismiss or ‘fix things’ can often make it worse.The good news is that there’s new research, by the eminent Dr David Yeager, that shows there’s one thing our kids can learn that can reduce depression in teens by nearly 40%.We hear the details and some great tips for us parents on the frontline.Megan Saxelby:https://wildfeelings.substack.com/ Rachel's Substack:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/The Study:https://www.nature.com/articles/s44220-022-00009-5This is such a big topic I have created a lot of content to cover it:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/puberty-toxic-friendships-pick-me-girls-top-tips-for-parenting-teenagers-from-teenagers-147/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/top-friendship-tips-for-teen-girls-lessons-from-real-life-sisters/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/139-preparing-for-secondary-school-friendship-groups-and-those-awkward-talks-about-porn-and-sexti/https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingCome and join the community! https://substack.com/@teenagersuntangledI watched my daughter switch to a new laptop and melt down; not because she couldn’t learn, but because she didn’t have the bandwidth. And it hit me: we can cope well with change when we are relaxed and don’t have too much on our plates, but when we are working at the limits of our abilities change can feel overwhelming. It’s easy to think that our brains like to work, but solving problems takes huge amounts of energy so our brains are actually designed to create habits as quickly as possible to reduce the loss of precious resources. My daugter’s experience made me think about how we rely on small habits the way we rely on hotkeys. When we lose them, everything feels harder, when we build them into everyday family life they can actively reduce our stress and improve our connection.So this week my suggestion is to think about your routines; not rigid ones that you use to beat yourself up about (the should version) but anchors and hotkeys.Here are 4 ideas that can make family life calmer:Micro-habits that smooth the day, having a bowl where everyone puts their keys, reinforcing the small habits like putting the milk back in the fridge.A regular “we come together” moment during the week; whether it’s Sunday lunch, or Saturday morning brunch, elevenses, ‘film Friday’ or supper time.Being clear that dinner isn’t just a time when we eat, it’s a way to share our lives and our space.If the way you like to do things doesn’t seem to work for your teen try something different that might better fit their brainWhat anchors do you use in your household? I’d LOVE to hear your suggestions and tips.Old episode about reducing nagging using habits:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingWe want our kids to do as well as possible, so when they mess up, do dumb things, or seem to be failing, it's easy to focus on their mistakes and what they should do instead. Naomi Glover, a leading applied neuroscientist and brain health specialist, says we'd get the best out of our kids by doing the opposite; focusing on their strengths.Coming from a  neurodivergent family, she truly understands the challenges faced by ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurotypes and offers practical, easy-to-use “brain hacks” for things like anxiety, focus, and emotional regulation.Naomi believes that once we understand how our brain works, we can work with it—not against it this episode gives us those tips.Naomi Glover:https://neuro-informed.comFind your strengths:PARENTS: https://www.viacharacter.org/survey/pro/parentingstrengths/account/registerUNDER 18'S: https://StrengthBoostU18.pro.viasurvey.org/Top tips:Lead with strengths, not deficitsRegularly name what your teen does well (kindness, perseverance, curiosity, humour, etc.) instead of only correcting what’s missing.Swap judgment for curiosityUse phrases like “I noticed…”, “Tell me more about what happened”, and “What could we do differently next time?” to keep conversations safe and open.Use recognition as rocket fuel (especially with ADHD/RSD)Give specific, genuine praise:“That was really kind leadership when you…”“I really appreciated you helping with the washing up – that was great teamwork.”Reduce brain overload with routines and single-taskingBuild simple, predictable habits (e.g. “Saturday is bed-linen day”).Avoid multitasking; do one thing at a time and protect focus where possible.Teach nervous-system resetsUse quick tools for you and your teen:Breathing: in for 4, out for 8, 3–5 times.Nature breaks: ~20 minutes outside to reset attention and mood.Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. There's no shame in reaching out for support. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits. My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack: https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk

Ask Rachel anythingSubstack Link:https://teenagersuntangled.substack.com/A number of you have been using the word ‘failure’ or ‘failing’ when describing your parenting, and I think it’s heartbreaking because it betrays an attitude to our role that sees it as all or nothing, rather than the incredible journey we are all on.The most amazing thing is to be able to tell our kids when we think we might have misjudged something, or got upset, that we are sorry and we’d like to have another go.It teaches our kids that relationships are messy and that getting things wrong is inevitable. It releases them from thinking that when they get things wrong it’s a catastrophe, and allows them to see that relationships take time and effort and the ability to be humble; all of which is incredibly valuable in a world that’s selling a binary approach to the world.The greatest gift we can give our child isn’t to do with awards, it’s the gift of feeling that they matter profoundly. That who they are and what they think is important to those who are closest to them, and that they are loved for who they are, not who we wish they were.Risk—taking teenagers:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/risk-taking-teens-the-good-news-about-bad-behaviour/Lying teenagers:https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/lying-teenagers-and-teens-who-complain-that-theyve-got-it-harder-than-their-siblings/This is an old episode about perfectionism, and how to help our kids overcome it. I think it applies just as much to us parents.https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/perfectionism-help-your-teen-and-yourself-overcome-the-need-to-be-perfect/Support the showPlease hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message. Please don't hesitate to seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping. When you look after yourself your entire family benefits.My email is [email protected] My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact me:www.teenagersuntangled.com Find me on Substack https://Teenagersuntangled.substack.comInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/You can reach Susie at www.amindful-life.co.uk