SWM 139 – Why won’t my spouse do x – I would do it for them

SWM 144 - Why wives have a complicated relationship with sex and what to do about it. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.One of our supporters posted a question in our forum which led to a bit of a discussion on what men perceive as sexy, and it shook the questioner a bit, because it was radically different from what she had been led to believe her whole life.This led into a larger discussion about why women tend to have more hangups about sex than men do.  I shared my thoughts in the forum in a bit of a rant and then realized that I don’t know if I’ve really tackled this a whole lot on the blog and podcast.  If I have, it’s been a few years, so it’s time for a refresher for the new people.So, I’m going to try and make it a little less ranty and a little more coherent and see if maybe I can teach some other wives and women out there a bit about what many men think regarding sex in the hopes that it might help some marriages, present or future.What does the Bible say about hell (and our souls)(blog post/podcast episode)Becoming More Sexually Engaged (course)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

I feel like I have some explaining to do.  A couple of weeks ago, I shared that lately, Christina and I have started having sex a lot more than usual.  We had more sexual encounters last month than there were days in the month.  We’re at about 30 for this month already.  This has led to some questions by some people.  I wrote a large thread in our supporter’s forum to try and answer them all and thought it might be helpful here.  Because it goes beyond just an “ask me anything” sort of post.  It’s really about how we’ve adapted sex to deal with sexual dysfunction in a way that’s not only positive but actually ends up being more fun and connecting than I think most people’s sex lives are.I’m going to try to adapt a forum thread into a post and see how it goes.  If you want to read the original, then you have to become a supporter, and you can search for the thread called “Sex with erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation” because there’s more to the thread than this topic, but I’m just pulling out the topic I wanted to hit today in this post.To start off, we’ve dealt with some sexual dysfunction for our entire marriage.  Christina has had vaginismus (pain during penetration). I deal with erectile dysfunction most of the time and also delayed ejaculation, which means it’s hard for me to orgasm.  Christina also suffers from post-coital depression, which means after she has an orgasm, she tends to get depressed for the next day or two.As such, we’ve had to redefine sex.  Most people, I find, tend to have a fairly narrow expression of sex.  They often have the same routine – some sort of initiation, some sort of foreplay during which the wife might orgasm, then penetration until he orgasms, then they’re done.It might change a bit, but for a lot of people, that’s what sex is. When they say “sex,” they often only mean the penetrative part, and foreplay is a separate category.But what happens when penetration doesn’t happen?  What if you have ED?  What if you have vaginismus?  What if he can’t orgasm (like I can’t a third of the time) – when does it stop?  What if you’re the wife and you don’t want an orgasm first because then you get depressed/bored and aren’t really interested in continuing?  Sorry, Ian, not every wife wants to come first.These are all things we’ve had to deal with.  So, how do you still have sex with all that going on?  Well, I’ll tell you.  What counts as sex?For us, sex isn’t solely defined by penetration.  In fact, only about half of our sexual encounters include PIV sex.  Instead, we view any activity that involves arousal and genitals as part of our sexual life.  A night might only include manual sex, or it might include oral sex.  It might include blindfolds, cuffs, toys and more, and still not have any PIV sex.  We still consider it sex, though.This broader definition helps us keep intimacy alive, no matter what happens. If I can’t get hard, that’s okay because we’ve built a sexual repertoire that doesn’t require an erection.  We have many other options, even before we get to toys, which don’t come out that often anymore.When does sex end?For most couples, it seems sex ends when the husband has had an orgasm.  This is part of the reason for the “she comes first” advice we see everywhere because if she doesn’t have an orgasm first, then she might not get one at all.For us, orgasm is not the end of the fun.  It’s not even the goal.  For me, it’s often not even possible.  Delayed ejaculation can make it so that you run out of energy before you get to orgasm.  For Christina,

August 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:ExhibitionismNo sex in 4 monthsShould I disclose previous porn struggles to fianceeOther resourcesWhat qualifies as mutual masturbationNeed rougher sex to orgasmHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Dealing with differing sex drives in marriage (page)MarriedDance.com (store)RomanticBlessings.com (store - US only)LoveHopeAdventure.com (blog)HotHolyHumorous.com (blog)Gary Thomas (substack)BDSM for ChristiansThe art of edging (ebook)BDSM survery results (post)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

Agust 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Wife trades chores for sexHow to handle no sex due to birthWater-based lube that doesn’t cause UTIsGuy’s relationships always end in affairsPost-childbirth and penis size preferencesWife is a gatekeeperHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Sliquid H20 Lube (product)How does breast or penis size affect sex (survey)Responsive desire is a blessing (post)Desire vs willingness (post)Where did my sex drive go (ebook)Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

July 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Wife’s love dependent on moodWhy don’t you direct people to God?Can’t seem to manage other positionsWife rejects exploration and being seenNervous about sex outdoorsCrossdressing rehashHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire - The Lion Within Us (podcast)Your definition of gross changes when you're arousedSWM 068 (podcast)SWM 070 (podcast)SWM 099 (podcast)Is it wrong for Christians to crossdress? (post)Healing from crossdressingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 139 - Why won't my spouse do x? I would do it for them. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Recently, I’ve noticed a question popping up all over the place. It’s come up in our supporter forum, coaching sessions, emails, comments in our latest survey, and more. This question points to a fundamental tension in many marriages - at the root of it is a self-centric desire. The desire for our spouse to serve our own needs and expectations. Whether it's about sex or more subtle emotional needs, this recurring question often revolves around a common theme: a wish for partners to be more like ourselves.For men, this question frequently focuses on sexual matters. Some men wonder why their spouses don’t engage in sex as often as they would like or why they don’t fulfill certain specific desires. On the other hand, when women voice similar concerns, the issues are often more nuanced. Many women express frustration with their partner's inability to intuitively understand their needs without explicit communication. And, of course, in some marriages, those dynamics are reversed.Both scenarios boil down to a deeper, more universal issue: the tendency to project our own needs and expectations onto our spouses, often without fully considering their unique perspectives and experiences.In this post, we’ll delve into why this tendency is problematic and how understanding our partner’s individual differences can relieve this frustration.Our latest survey (on the topic of BDSM)Spontaneous desire is a blessing (post/podcast)Responsive desire is a blessing (post/podcast)Responsive vs Spontaneous Desire (post)How to feel "connected" during sex (post/podcast)Desire vs willingness (post)Trapped gatekeepers - blame the guard, not the prisoner (post)Our Sexploration List (resource)Marriage coachingFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 138 - BDSM Survey Results. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.During July and a bit of August, we ran a survey about people’s BDSM experiences. Depending on who you ask, it was either extensive or just dipping our toes into the topic. In the end, we received over 1,000 complete responses from a wide range of couples, some for whom BDSM is part of their daily life, others who were engaging in BDSM activities didn’t think what they were doing qualified, others who wished they were doing such things but didn’t know how to start, and those who thought it was disgusting that I even considered asking questions about such a topic.or the last three weeks, I’ve spent evenings and weekends digging through the data, coding it, doing pivot tables, building charts, running correlation formulas, and more, trying to get what I can out of it. It’s aptly called data mining because often it feels like sifting through a lot of rocks and dirt just to try and find a nugget of something valuable contained.Today, I’m going to share what I found.K7Fit - 14 Day Energy ChallengeJoin as a supporter to get access to all the survey commentsMarriage CoachingArousal Non-ConcordanceInterested in a Christian BDSM forum/resource? Click here.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 137 - Why we don't spank our children. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Last week, Gary Thomas posted an article on his substack on the topic of discipline vs. punishment—not taking a stance but rather offering it up as a controversial conversation starter. Reading it made me curious about something—does your view of hell change your parenting approach? After all, if God is our example, and you believe that hell is eternal punishment, does that then lend to a more heavy-handed approach to parenting versus someone who believes that hell is an act of mercy?I posted that question in our forum, and it then led to a discussion on using physical punishment on children.  I spent a fair bit of time in the last week or two writing on that thread, and so I thought I’d repurpose it here for those who might be curious about how we raised our children.We, Christina and I, don’t believe hell is eternal torture.  We don’t believe such a view is in keeping with the Bible.  We grew up in a denomination that taught it was, and it was one of the reasons we left because the doctrine couldn’t stand up to either biblical scrutiny or logic as we saw it.  If you want to know why and/or argue that stance, I fully welcome you to read the post What happens when you die?  That’s not the point of this post.The point of this post is to share why we don’t spank our children, and now that my children are growing up into adults, what the outcome of such a choice has been.Links mentioned in this episode:Gary Thomas' article - Discipline vs Punishment (Substack)What happens when you die? (Post)Spanking and Child Development: We Know Enough Now To Stop Hitting Our Children (Study)Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses (Study)The Research on Spanking and Its Implications for Intervention (PDF)Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

June 2024 Questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  Check out the show notes here for more details and links.In this episode, we are tackling the subjects:Wife thinks she has to be mean to our childrenGolden showers (again)Wife can’t decide if she loves me or notJust because you’re experienced, doesn’t mean you’re qualifiedHere are the links I mentioned during the podcast:SWM 029 - Fantasy affairs, anal sex, golden showers, work during sex and low drivesBDSM SurveyFollow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful champions!If you'd like to support our ministry and see it grow, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference!Lastly, if you like our podcast, click here to give us a rating, and leave us a review.  They help others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage.  You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.

SWM 135 - It's good to try new things. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.Most kids, when growing up, enter a picky stage at some point.  Some when they’re toddlers, some when they’re young children, some when they become teenagers.  When our 3rd or 4th kid entered this phase, everyone knew the response when they didn’t want to eat something new that we’d made.  “It’s good to try new things.”  They didn’t have to eat it all but had to try it—a decent try, not a touch to the tongue followed by an exaggerated exclamation of disgust.Teaching children to at least give something new a fair shot, I think, has applications later on in life as well. I often talk to husbands and wives whose spouses simply will not try anything new in the bedroom. One will bring up an idea, and it’s immediately shot down by the “picky” spouse—the one who is perfectly happy with the flavour of vanilla every night.Today, I want to talk about why I think it’s good to try new things - not only when it comes to food, but also in the bedroom - or outside of the bedroom, depending on how much privacy you have.  We’re going to talk about the interplay between dopamine, controlled risk-taking, adventure and trust in marriages as it pertains to sex and more.Don't forget to participate in our BDSM survey - whether you engage in that sort of behaviour or not.Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and TwitterIf you'd like to discuss the questions as they come in, consider joining our private forum.Thank you to all our faithful supporters!If you like that there are no ads in our podcast and want to keep it that way, check out our support page for more info.  Even $5/month makes a difference.Lastly, if you like our podcast, please rate it as it helps others know this is a good resource to help with their marriage. You managed to find us, help someone else do the same and receive the same benefits to their relationship.