The Biggest Communication Mistakes Couples Make (Part 1: The Don’ts)

In Part Two of our Communication Series, EJ and Tarah Kerwin break down three of the most essential — and most misunderstood — relationship skills: validation, active listening, and repair attempts.Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingMost couples don’t struggle because they don’t care — they struggle because they were never taught how to communicate when emotions are high. In this episode, EJ and Tarah explain why defensiveness is so common, how quickly conversations turn into arguments, and what it actually means to help your partner feel heard without giving up your own boundaries.Through real-life examples from their own relationship and years of clinical work, they explore:Why validation does NOT mean agreementHow active listening builds emotional safety (and why it’s so hard)Common signs you’re listening defensively instead of openlyWhy couples who avoid conflict often struggle more than couples who fightHow repair attempts can shorten conflict and prevent resentmentWhat to do when you miss the moment — because you willThis episode is practical, honest, and deeply human. If you’ve ever felt unheard, misunderstood, or stuck in the same argument over and over again, this conversation will give you tools you can start using today.🔑 Key Topics CoveredValidation vs. defensivenessActive listening as a relational skillRepairing conflict instead of avoiding itEmotional safety and presenceCommunication patterns that quietly damage connection📚 Resources MentionedOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from Amazon👉 Join Our Patreon Community💬 Connect With UsHave a communication pattern you’re stuck in or a question about validation or listening?Email us at [email protected] — we’d love to hear from you.If this episode helped you, please share it with someone you love or leave a review. It helps other couples find support and hope.As always: take care of yourself, and take care of each other.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Is communication the biggest struggle in your relationship? You’re not alone.Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingIn Part 1 of our 3-part Communication Series, relationship experts and hosts Tarah and EJ Kerwin break down why communication goes wrong so often—even when we love our partner and have the best intentions.This episode focuses on the “DON’Ts” of communication: the instinctive, automatic responses we fall into when we’re tired, defensive, triggered, or overwhelmed. These reactions may feel honest in the moment, but they often shut down connection and emotional safety.Through real-life examples, personal stories, and practical reframes, Tarah and EJ show how the same situations can feel completely different when handled with validation, active listening, and emotional awareness.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why emotional invalidation damages trust (even when you’re trying to help)How saying “I never said that” escalates conflict instead of resolving itWhy accusations and blame shut down vulnerabilityThe hidden danger of mind reading and unspoken expectationsWhy fights about chores are almost never about the choresHow just one partner responding differently can completely change the outcome of a conflictThis episode lays the foundation for healthier communication—not perfection. If you’ve ever thought, “We keep having the same fight over and over,” this series is for you.Coming next:Part 2: Validation & Active Listening (the skills that change everything)Part 3: Triggers, Repair Attempts & Slowing ReactivityResources Mentioned:Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonRelationship Renovation at Home Podcast Community & MembershipMonthly live Q&A with Tarah & EJDeeper video lessonsDaily relationship tipsNow only $25/month👉 Join Our Patreon CommunitySubscribe & Stay ConnectedIf this episode resonates with you, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share with someone who might need it. Small shifts in communication can lead to profound changes in your relationship.Take care of yourself. Take care of each other. 💛Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Why do so many couples feel stuck repeating the same painful patterns — even after therapy, books, and years of personal growth?Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingIn this conversation with Thais Gibson, founder of the Personal Development School, EJ and Tarah explore why insight alone doesn’t lead to lasting change in relationships. If you’ve ever thought “I know better, so why do I keep reacting the same way?” this episode helps explain what’s really happening beneath the surface.Join Our Patreon CommunityTogether, they unpack how attachment patterns, nervous system responses, and emotional conditioning keep couples locked in familiar cycles of conflict, shutdown, or disconnection — and why trying harder, being more aware, or having good intentions often isn’t enough to break those patterns.Order Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonIn this episode, you’ll learn:Why understanding your patterns doesn’t automatically change themHow attachment wounds get activated in close relationshipsWhy shame and self-blame keep couples stuckWhat actually helps create lasting relational shiftsHow emotional safety supports real change over timeThis episode is especially helpful if you:Feel stuck in the same relationship dynamicsHave done personal growth work but still feel triggeredWonder why your relationship feels harder than it “should”Want a compassionate, practical understanding of attachment and changeThis is a grounding, validating conversation for couples who are tired of trying harder — and ready to understand what actually helps patterns soften and connection grow.🔗 Learn More About Thais GibsonPersonal Development School: https://www.personaldevelopmentschool.comYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thaisgibsonSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizWhy do couples swear they’ll “do better next time” — and then fall into the exact same fights again?In this episode, we’re joined by Thais Gibson, leading attachment theory expert and founder of The Personal Development School, to unpack why relationship change often doesn’t stick — and what actually works at the subconscious and nervous system level.We talk about how attachment styles, core wounds, and nervous system responses quietly drive conflict, shutdown, and disconnection — even when both partners deeply care. Thais shares practical tools for rewiring attachment patterns so couples and individuals can move toward secure attachment, emotional safety, and real connection.If you’ve ever felt stuck, triggered, or discouraged because insight alone hasn’t changed your relationship, this conversation will give you hope and concrete next steps.In This Episode, We Cover:Why insight and “trying harder” don’t change relationship patternsHow attachment wounds form — and why they repeat in adult relationshipsThe difference between subconscious vs. unconscious patternsWhy couples fight about surface issues (like laundry or tone) when the real pain runs deeperHow anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant attachment styles experience conflict differentlyThe role of the nervous system in emotional shutdown, defensiveness, and reactivityA step-by-step tool for rewiring core attachment wounds using memory, imagery, and emotionWhy affirmations often fail — and what works insteadHow partners unknowingly validate each other’s deepest fearsWhat secure attachment actually looks like in real relationships (not perfection)Key Takeaways:You’re not broken — your nervous system learned patterns to surviveMost relationship conflict is driven by subconscious meaning, not the present momentAttachment styles can be rewired, not just managedEmotional safety changes behavior faster than logicSecure attachment is a skill, not a personality traitAbout Our GuestThais Gibson is a globally recognized expert in attachment theory and the founder of The Personal Development School, where she has helped millions of people understand and rewire their relationship patterns. Her work integrates neuroscience, attachment theory, and practical tools for lasting emotional change.Resources Mentioned:Free Attachment Style Quiz: https://www.personaldevelopmentschool.comYouTube: Thais Gibson – Personal Development SchoolInstagram: @thepersonaldevelopmentschoolWho This Episode Is ForCouples who feel disconnected but still careIndividuals stuck in repeating relationship patternsAnyone curious about attachment theory beyond surface-level explanationsPartners who want real tools — not just insightSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Intentions WorksheetBook a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizMost couples don’t fall apart overnight.They drift apart slowly—through busy schedules, unspoken patterns, and lack of intentional connection.In this episode of Relationship Renovation, licensed therapists EJ and Tarah Kerwin explain why couples drift apart and share a simple, practical framework that helps couples stay emotionally connected over time.Instead of focusing on fixing problems, this episode shows couples how to prevent disconnection by setting shared intentions, identifying repeating relationship patterns, and using daily, weekly, and monthly check-ins to stay aligned.This episode is especially helpful if you:Feel emotionally disconnected from your partnerKeep repeating the same relationship patternsWant better communication but don’t know where to startStart strong and lose momentum over timeIn This Episode, You’ll Learn:Why emotional disconnection happens gradually in long-term relationshipsHow couples unintentionally drift apart—even when love is presentA step-by-step framework to stay connected year-roundHow to set shared relationship intentions that actually stickWhy daily, weekly, and monthly check-ins prevent emotional distanceHow resets build trust and emotional safety over timeSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizWhat if the problem isn’t how often you’re having sex — but how present you are when you’re together?In this episode of Relationship Renovation, EJ and Tarah Kerwin sit down with Dan Purcell, intimacy educator, founder of Get Your Marriage On, and host of the podcast by the same name. Together, they explore what Dan calls “Eyes Open Intimacy” — a way of approaching sexual and emotional connection that prioritizes presence, safety, and genuine attunement over performance or obligation.This honest, vulnerable conversation dives into why many couples feel disconnected even when they’re having sex, how anxiety and shame show up in the bedroom, and why true intimacy begins before anything physical happens.Dan shares powerful insights from his own marriage and years of coaching couples, offering practical tools that help partners slow down, regulate their nervous systems, and reconnect in ways that feel safe and meaningful.Get Your Marriage On... Dan PurcellSupport this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn the final episode of our four-part Intimacy Gap series, we focus on how couples can move forward — not by “getting back” what they once had, but by intentionally creating a new intimacy story together.Many couples feel stuck when intimacy changes. Desire feels mismatched. Emotional connection fades. Sex becomes pressured or avoided. In this episode, we explore why intimacy isn’t something you find again — it’s something you build over time through emotional safety, curiosity, and shared experiences.We talk about how play and novelty reduce defensiveness, why new experiences create powerful bonding moments in the brain, and how small, realistic shifts (not grand gestures) can dramatically improve emotional, physical, and sexual connection. We also break down the different types of intimacy — emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and intellectual — and help couples clarify what they want their intimate relationship to feel like now.This episode offers a practical framework for:Letting go of old intimacy stories that no longer fitCreating a shared vision for connection that honors both partnersBuilding habits that foster desire without pressure or obligationAddressing real-life blocks like stress, parenting, mental health, and time constraintsShifting intimacy from a task into an experience of connection and pleasureWe also emphasize that intimacy is a living practice, not a one-time conversation. Couples who revisit these conversations regularly — with curiosity instead of defensiveness — build more secure, resilient relationships over time.In This Episode, We Cover:Why play and novelty are essential for long-term intimacyHow to create a new intimacy story instead of chasing the pastThe role of emotional safety in rebuilding desireHow stress, avoidance, and pressure quietly sabotage connectionPractical ways to bring intimacy into everyday life (not just the bedroom)A simple reflection exercise to identify how you feel desiredAction Step for ListenersTake a few minutes to reflect — alone or with your partner:How do I feel desired emotionally?How do I feel desired physically?How do I feel desired sexually?These answers can become the foundation of your new intimacy story.Want More Support?Our Relationship Renovation at Home Patreon includes a full, step-by-step intimacy series designed to help couples build emotional safety, repair communication, and create lasting connection at their own pace. If cost is a barrier, reach out — we want this work to be accessible.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn Part 3 of our Intimacy Gap series, we explore two of the most powerful and most misunderstood ingredients of lasting intimacy: curiosity and emotional safety.So many couples get stuck in the same painful loop: mismatched desire, uncomfortable conversations, and the fear that they’ll never get back on the same page. But true intimacy doesn’t start with sex, it starts with the emotional safety to be vulnerable, honest, and seen.In this episode, we dive deep into how curiosity becomes a bridge across the intimacy gap… and how emotional safety transforms the hardest conversations into opportunities for closeness.In this episode, we cover:Why emotional safety is the #1 predictor of long-term relationship satisfactionHow curiosity helps couples reconnect when intimacy feels out of reachWhat it looks like to approach hard conversations with “soft eyes”How hormone changes, stress, and life transitions impact desire — and how to talk about itSelf-regulation vs. co-regulation: what each partner needs to bring into sensitive conversationsHow couples can avoid falling into repetitive patterns that shut down intimacyA real, personal story from EJ & Tarah about navigating desire discrepancies with vulnerabilityWhy repair matters more than getting it perfectPractical scripts for bringing up intimacy concerns without triggering defensivenessKey Takeaways:Curiosity is the antidote to fear. It keeps your heart open when patterns feel stuck.Emotional safety comes before desire. Without it, intimacy cannot thrive.Your partner is not the enemy. You’re two people navigating a shared emotional landscape.Soft eyes, gentle tone, and asking “Is now a good time?” can instantly shift a conversation.Self-regulation is essential. You can’t co-regulate as a couple if you’re dysregulated individually.Intimacy evolves. You’re not trying to get back to what it was — you’re building what’s next.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizEver wondered why stress and shame seem to quietly erode intimacy in your relationship?Do you and your partner struggle to reconnect during overwhelming seasons—leaving both of you feeling misunderstood, rejected, or alone?Curious how to calm your nervous system and bridge the desire gap, even when it feels impossible?In this week’s episode of Relationship Renovation, EJ Kerwin and Tarah Kerwin dive into The Intimacy Gap (Part 2): The Silent Saboteurs — How Stress, Shame, and Mismatched Desire Sabotage Connection.Building on Part 1 of their four-part intimacy series, they unpack why intimacy doesn’t simply fade—it’s slowly chipped away by stress, shame, dysregulated nervous systems, and repeated miscommunication.Through honest, vulnerable stories about blending families, parenting challenges, and financial strain, EJ and Tarah reveal how nervous system overload is often misread as withdrawal or rejection. That misunderstanding fuels a painful cycle of blame, distance, and desire discrepancies that many couples mistake for incompatibility.In This Episode, You’ll Learn:How stress and shame shut down emotional and sexual desireWhy mismatched desire is normal—and what it actually meansHow nervous system dysregulation masquerades as disinterestTools to shift from reactivity to curiosityPractical steps to restore emotional safety and rebuild connectionWays to communicate vulnerably when intimacy feels out of syncWith research-supported insights and relatable real-life examples, EJ and Tarah show you how moving from “calm to connect” can help couples step out of shame, regulate together, and create a new intimacy story—one rooted in empathy, safety, and lasting closeness.If you’ve ever struggled with stress, shame, or desire differences in your relationship, this episode offers clarity, compassion, and real hope for rebuilding intimacy.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Book a Discovery Call for Relationship Renovation CoachingOrder Relationship Renovation at Home Manual from AmazonJoin Our Patreon CommunityTake the Emotional Safety Assessment QuizIn this first episode of our four-part series The Intimacy Gap, E.J. and Tarah Kerwin explore why most couples experience differences in emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy — and how these discrepancies can lead to frustration, disconnection, or misunderstanding.They share the real numbers (80% of couples face this issue), explain how attachment styles and nervous system regulation impact intimacy, and offer tools to start healing the distance.If you’ve ever felt like one partner wants more closeness than the other — emotionally or sexually — this episode will help you understand why and begin building empathy, safety, and lasting connection.Topics Covered:What the “intimacy gap” really meansEmotional vs. physical vs. sexual intimacy differencesHow upbringing and attachment shape desirePractical tools for curiosity instead of blameHow to start safe, non-defensive conversations about intimacyTimestamps00:00 – Introduction Welcome to The Intimacy Gap (Part 1) on the Relationship Renovation Podcast.01:35 – Why “The Intimacy Gap”? Why so many couples experience emotional, physical, and sexual disconnect.03:20 – Understanding Intimacy Discrepancies What it means when one partner wants more closeness or connection than the other.05:45 – The 80% Statistic Why 80% of couples face intimacy differences — and why it’s normal.07:50 – Beyond Sex: Emotional & Physical Intimacy How affection, vulnerability, and communication are part of intimacy.11:20 – How Intimacy Areas Interconnect How emotional, physical, and sexual connection overlap and affect each other.15:40 – Real-Life Example: Planning & Affection Tarah and E.J. share a story about differing needs for dates and affection.19:10 – Attachment Styles & Upbringing How childhood patterns and attachment shape intimacy as adults.23:15 – Nervous System Regulation & Shame Why stress and shame block connection — and how to rebuild safety.26:30 – From Blame to Curiosity Turning frustration into curiosity and self-reflection.30:00 – Tools for Talking About Intimacy Simple ways to have calm, open conversations about desire differences.33:15 – Final Reflections Encouragement for couples to keep growing through empathy and understanding.35:00 – Resources & What’s Next Info on Relationship Renovation at Home, Patreon community, and Part 2: The Silent Saboteurs.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands