Why Are Help & Care So Complicated?

In this episode, Erin and I talk about the complicated relationship many of us have with having needs, receiving help and care, and over-giving. From childhood experiences of having our needs dismissed to the cultural glorification of self-sufficiency, we get curious about how it's possible to be incredibly attuned to other people's needs and yet not be able to recognize our own. We explore the shame that comes with needing and/or asking for help, and the ways care becomes moralized, commodified, and stigmatized.We also talk about why advice doesn't always feel like help, how “helping” someone can become a rejection of their actual experience, and what it might look like to offer care without taking over.At the heart of the conversation are two questions we're still trying to figure out: What would it take to trust and fulfill our own needs? How can we let other people care for us without feeling like we're asking too much?

In this episode, Erin and I start with Lupe the dog. Lupe is anxious and needs to be soothed, and we wonder..why is it so much easier for us to meet the needs of others and not to meet our own? We end up talking about friendship and relationships, and I share two stories about situations that happened with two of my friends recently.This conversation is about relationships with other people, but it's also about being in relationships with ourselves, and what happens when you stop managing people's experience of you and start experiencing the relationship with them instead.

This episode starts a conversation series with Erin Morper, and in this one we begin by talking about what adult means. That leads us to what we learn about self expression, unspoken agreements, and how we control our bodies and our environments. We talk about forms of control, monoculture, the ways we learn, the what’s right and what’s wrong, the boxes we try to fit into, and what we've been changing about how we see ourselves and the world. At the end we ask "What is your steady ground?" and wonder what happens when our experiences are more about information gathering than judgements about who we are as people. Anthony Bourdain Parts Unknown Season 2 Episode 4 CopenhagenDeep(er) Ecology with William Rees, Nora Bateson, & Rex Weyler

In this episode, I sit down for another conversation with Dana Calder, a queer, neurodivergent SVP in the fintech world and owner of EmberMind Consulting. Dana and I start with sourdough starter and baking, which turns out to be a surprisingly good entry point into our conversation about how work works. We talk about hierarchy, trust, AI, workplaces, and what happens when we try to use industrialized systems to do relational work, and relational systems to do industrialized work.  We both come at this through a neurodivergent lens, and what we’re trying to make sense of is that feeling of something not making sense, and what happens when you try to adjust yourself to make it work without looking at what the systems are actually trying to do. These are the two types of systems we're taking about today:Relational:  systems that pay attention to connection, context, and the fact that people are always affecting each other. It’s not about being nice or performative, it’s about actually treating relationship as part of the work itself. Industrialized: systems built around efficiency, predictability, and standardization, systems that tend to assume people should be consistent, measurable, and somewhat interchangeable.We talk about the confusion that shows up over and over at work when we use the wrong system for the wrong thing. We try to standardize human experience, things like communication, trust, conflict, leadership, and then wonder why it feels flat or performative. And at the same time, we take decisions that actually need clarity and closure and turn them into ongoing relational processes, so nothing fully resolves, but everyone stays emotionally responsible for it.The tension underneath it all is what it feels like to be a person trying to make sense of systems that are built for predictability doing work full of ambiguity, while also carrying emotional and relational weight for things that actually just need to be decided. This conversation is about noticing that pattern as it shows up in work, leadership, and systems, and what might shift when we start to name it. Dana CalderEmbermind ConsultingSign up for Rebelling Study Hall

In the first episode of year two, I’m looking at how magical thinking shows up in everyday life, not just as an individual coping strategy, but as something shaped by the systems we live inside.I start with a personal story about family, boundaries, and changing long-held patterns, and use that to look at how we make sense of situations that are confusing or unpredictable. When systems are complex or unclear, we fill in the gaps with reasonable assumptions. And over time, those assumptions can become blind spots.The first few episodes this season are going to focus on work. Why do so many people feel like they’re doing everything “right,” and things still aren’t working? What happens when we try to manage adaptive, constantly changing work using outdated, linear models?This season is about slowing down, questioning what doesn’t make sense, and staying curious even when things feel uncertain. It’s about living in alignment with the future we want, even when the present hasn’t caught up yet.REBELLING WebsiteREBELLING Study Hall sign up [email protected]

This is the last episode of Year One of Rebelling. What started as a conversation about neurodivergence grew into curiosity about humanity, systems, and what it really means to live fully in a world that often doesn’t make sense. This year has been about asking questions, leaning into not knowing, and choosing connection over trying to get it “right.”Year Two will take us deeper into exploring the things that dehumanize us.  We'll interrogate the systems and norms that make it difficult to get out of survival mode, and start to build ways to live relationally instead. It starts April 21! Plus, I’m kicking off Rebelling Study Hall- free, live, virtual sessions starting May 2 for reflection, questions, and real conversation. Sign up here

In this episode of the Social Security Series, I talk with financial speaker, storyteller, and comedian Colin Ryan. His new book, Epic Tiny Victories, blends humor and humanity to tell the story of how he learned to work with his own mental health. Colin and I talk about money, privilege, and the unspoken rules that shape our financial lives. We talk about how shame, secrecy, and assumptions about personal responsibility keep people isolated and anxious about money. Colin shares what he’s learned about building trust, creating spaces where people can speak openly about financial mistakes, and how small acts of honesty and generosity create real social security.This episode explores what comes from connection and collective understanding. It's about recognizing that no one figures it out alone, and imagining what becomes possible when we talk about money openly and honestly.

In this episode of the Social Security Series, I sit down again with certified ADHD coach Keltie MacLaren for a candid conversation about relational rebelling: choosing interdependence over independence, curiosity over certainty, and mutual sense-making over upholding norms.We break down the delusions of independence and the way “self-sufficiency” is framed as a path to reward but more often functions as a tool of guilt and shame. It deliberately hides how much our lives rely on collective labor, care, and infrastructure. These delusions keep people exhausted, isolated, and blaming themselves for failures that are structural, not personal.Grounded in lived experience and the idea of interbeing, this conversation names what is usually left unsaid: no one can actually do it alone, and pretending otherwise serves systems, not people. This episode invites you to intentionally question independence and imagine what becomes possible when we organize our lives around interdependence instead.

I've been wondering...what if social security wasn’t just a government program, but something we build together with the people in and around our lives? In this episode of the Social Security series, Jen Andrew, a disability rights advocate, herbalist, and guest from The Myth of Knowing series, joins me to explore another reframe: relationships as a form of social security, and how showing up, stretching, and repairing can create the support systems we all need. Jen and I talk about the complex, confusing, gratifying, and very real work of connection: balancing self-responsibility with reciprocity, holding space for discomfort, and learning how to give and receive care without losing ourselves. We talk about different levels of closeness, accountability, repair, and the subtle shifts that transform relationships into a social safety net. If you’ve ever wished for a variety of relationships that can sustain as well as support you, and wondered how to navigate the discomfort that comes with being in community, this conversation is for you. Together, we rethink connection, care, and what it truly means to be secure with each other.Lovette Jallow The Lovette Jallow Perspective  WebsiteRepentance and Repair Book by Danya RuttenbergGloria Alamrew Healing is Making Us MeanDave Meesters Dining Halls Now!Adam Wilson The Peasantry School Newsletter Sand River Farm WebsiteGarrett Bucks The White PagesBen Folds Capable of Anything This song isn't mentioned in the episode, but when Jen says “I had a therapist say to me once, this might be controversial, but everyone is capable of abuse. Not that everyone’s an abuser, but that everyone actually can engage in abusive behavior, and talking about how are we responsible to each other, recognizing that in ourselves instead of … this person is good, this person is bad" I immediately thought of this song, so I wanted to include it. 

In the first episode of my Social Security series, I explore the difference between individuality and individualism, between being truly ourselves in connection with others, and the cultural pressure to perform independence at all costs. Individualism is a survival story, a disguise precarity and control use to convince us they are actually freedom. And yet, somehow that freedom leaves us separate, continuously striving, and worn thin. Individuality, on the other hand, is only itself. It thrives when we are held, supported, and recognized by one another. Individuality is a relational story. This episode invites you to imagine a new kind of social security, one built on trust, connection, and mutual support, and to consider what embracing our individuality might mean for our freedom, our relationships, and our ability to create a sense of security, socially.