EPISODE 216: The Truth About Being Passive In Bed: And How To Take Control

Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits. You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do. If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone. In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are you letting sx happen to you… or are you a active participant during it? We’re also talking about this from a male perspective: What does it feel like to be the only one initiating or guiding? Do men want their partners more engaged—and what does that even look like? Whether you’ve never taken the lead before, or you’re just looking to feel more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip—and your how-to guide. Let’s get into it. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: Why so many women default to passivity in the bedroom What men actually think about women taking the lead Questions to ask your partner to open up this convo What “taking control” can look like—without the pressure Simple ways to be more confident and engaged in the moment 🔗 Links & Resources 🔥 The Art of Initiation — our most-loved guide for learning how to confidently initiate intimacy →  http://vmtherapy.com/initiation ✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → vmtherapy.com/deeper 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex? One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely. But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive types. If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or that your partner just doesn’t “get” you—this conversation is about to change everything. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: The real difference between mental desire and physical arousal What it means to be a Spontaneous vs. Responsive type Why you’re not low desire… you just need a different kind of start How to navigate mismatched sex drives without resentment Why your type has nothing to do with gender (but the stats may surprise you) How to initiate sex in a way that works for both of you You’ll also hear a game-changing mindset shift that can help you stop taking it personally—and start working with your differences instead of against them. Links & Resources ✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → https://vmtherapy.com/touch ✨ What’s your sex drive type?→ https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial PLUS 25% off your annual subscription ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow 👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Cash App. For a limited time only, new Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash. For real - there's no catch. Just download Cash App & sign up! Use our exclusive referral code PILLOW in your profile, send $5 to a friend within 14-days, and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's Money. That's Cash App. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch. Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust. But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and: 47% said they want more touch 37% said they want better touch In this episode, we’re breaking down why touch is so essential — and why so many couples stop doing it. (Spoiler: it's not just about sex.) Plus, we’re giving you practical tools and one super simple free exercise (takes 5 minutes) to start reconnecting through touch today. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: The emotional and physical benefits of touch (for both of you) Why “touch starvation” is real — even in long-term relationships The surprising ways you may be unintentionally avoiding touch The difference between sexual and non-sexual touch — and why both matter What to do if your partner says “touch just isn’t my love language” Quick, everyday ways to bring more affection into your relationship (no grand gestures required) ✨ Ready to explore all the ways to touch? We created The Secret Touch Blueprint to help you and your partner reflect on what kinds of touch feel best to you — and how to talk about it together. Grab it here → https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint And if doing that exercise leaves you thinking, “Wait… I want more of this,” you’ll love what’s coming next. This July, we’re launching a 4-week Sensual Touch Challenge exclusively inside our Deeper membership. It’ll walk you through 8 specific types of touch — from relaxing to arousing — with fun prompts, step-by-step videos, and guided exercises to try with your partner. It’s designed to bring back the playfulness, the exploration, and the kind of touch that makes you feel again. 💥 Pillow Talks listeners get 25% off their first month of Deeper with code PILLOW → https://vmtherapy.com/touch Links & resources: 👋🏻 The Secret Touch Blueprint →https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint 💥 Join the Sensual Touch Challenge (starting July 7 inside Deeper) → https://vmtherapy.com/touch Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. ➡︎ https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠 We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men. This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal. 🎙️ Here’s what we’re getting into: What are men actually looking at during doggy style? What do they think when they see a woman who’s prettier than their partner? Is it true they can literally… think about nothing? How do they feel about things like… Women aging, messy buns, leg hair, and more How do they stay so chill about daily life stuff (kid schedules, groceries, appointments)? What really keeps them engaged in a relationship? This one is honest, funny, and surprisingly vulnerable. And of course, Xander’s not holding back. 🔗 Links & Resources: 🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56 🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69 ❤️ Ready to go deeper? Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach). 🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander** 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. 👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remi and save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en) The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than you think. We asked our Instagram audience, and a whopping 84% said they’ve experienced this reaction. But the question we keep hearing is: “How do we fix it?” In this episode, we break down: The 3 biggest reasons The Bristle Reaction happens 6 actionable ways to start enjoying your partner’s touch again Why this topic hits so close to home for so many couples If physical affection has started to feel complicated or triggering, this episode will give you clarity, tools, and hope. 🔗 Links & Resources: 📘 Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life 📝 Initiation 101 Guide ➡️  https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-212&utm_term=podcast-212 ❤️ Ready to go deeper? Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach). 🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper ========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD. 👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial PLUS 25% off your annual subscription ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ask a sex therapist is back! Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵 In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between. Here’s what we’re diving into: Is it weird if my partner and I don’t kiss during sex? (Pretty Woman, anyone?) What exactly is pegging? Is it normal for other things to be “better than sex”? Can using a penis pump have consequences? Should you get a vasectomy? (Xander’s in the club!) Postpartum sex — what are men really thinking? Can responsive/spontaneous desire be taught? Like can you switch your type? ❤️ Ready to go deeper? Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach). 🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper Resources Mentioned: Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay Ultimate Sex Guides  👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex-guide?ref=podcast-211&utm_term=podcast-211 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ ⁠https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander⁠ 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 ⁠vmtherapy.com/subscribe⁠ 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood… Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected… This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship? Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal. We’re walking through real stories submitted by our audience and sharing tools to help you: Tune into your own boundaries. Get clear on what’s worth working through. Speak your truth without blowing things up. The difference between patience and people-pleasing. When to accept a quirk vs. when to draw a hard line. How to handle dead bedrooms, defensiveness, and money fights. What to do if your partner’s gross habits are killing your vibe. The truth about “sticking it out” vs. knowing when you’ve had enough. 🎧 Whether you're questioning the little things (like nose-picking 😬) or the big things (like being completely ignored emotionally or sexually), this episode is here to help you figure out your next move. Ready to go Deeper with us? Inside our Deeper membership, you’ll get access to our full library of expert-created resources, including the guides, courses, and coaching tools we wish every couple had. PLUS — instant answers to your most intimate questions via Vanessa AI, your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach (and new bestie). 🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper 🔥Treat your partner to the best f0repl@y they’ve ever had with The Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 🎧 Stay connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ======================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ======================== 👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remi and save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏Thanks Flure. Being you is sexy! Explore what you like on Flure Dating App ➡︎https://www.flure.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Does sex feel like a chore to you? According to 86% of our audience? Yes. Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list. But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all. Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of clean), parenting logistics, and the weight of every single thing it takes to adult… It’s not that sex is a chore: it’s that chores are sabotaging your sex life! In this episode, we’re breaking down how mental load affects desire, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction (spoiler alert: a lot more than you think). And of course, we’re sharing practical tools to help lighten the load and bring the connection back. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: What mental load actually is Why resentment and “keeping score” kill intimacy What happens when your partner starts to feel more like your kid than your teammate How to have more conversations about sharing the load What you can do today to start shifting the dynamic Whether you’re feeling unseen, exhausted, or just plain over it—this episode is here to help you feel more supported, connected, and so much less alone. ⏰ Last chance to snag 2 of our most supportive tools in the shop! ⏰ The Mental Load Workbook and Your Best Week Ever are officially retiring on May 25th. These are the last few days to grab these super affordable and potentially life-changing products. We designed them to help you: Rebalance the invisible labor in your relationship Get on the same page with your partner (without nagging or blowing up) Reconnect emotionally and physically—even when life is busy These are the strategies that helped us transform our own dynamic — and we want that for you too! 🗓 Sunday, May 25th is the final day to buy them a la carte. 🧠  Mental Load Workbook: 👉🏻 https://shop.vmtherapy.com/mental-load-workbook?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209 💓 Your Best Week Ever 👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209 STAY CONNECTED: 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow 👏 Thanks StoryWorth. Save $15 during their Father's Day sale ➡︎ https://storyworht.com/pillow. 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected. No grand gestures. No impossible checklists. Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically. Here’s what we’re covering: The difference between a rut and a red flag 🚩 How we define “realistic” connection (especially if you’ve got zero bandwidth) A step-by-step, week-by-week game plan you can follow Specific daily, midweek, and weekend actions to help you reconnect Why it’s okay to not feel fireworks right away — and what to focus on instead A challenge to get started right now 👀 Whether you’ve been together 2 years or 20, this plan can help you feel like a team again — without adding more stress to your plate. LINKS & RESOURCES 📝  4-Week Relationship Reset PDF — Your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 208: Stuck In A Relationship Rut? Here’s Your 4-Week Fix ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset 👋 The Art of Initiation — your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying  ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-208&utm_term=-podcast-208 💖 Deeper Membership — full access to our relationship toolkit, core courses, live monthly sessions, and more ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/deeper ✅ Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide — a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide STAY CONNECTED 📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here! 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ========================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================= 👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD. 👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. ➡︎ https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ready for our go-to masterclass on one of the most overlooked (but absolutely essential) parts of intimacy? We’re bringing back one of our most downloaded episodes of all time — and trust us, it’s worth a re-listen (or a first-time bender if you’re new around here). Foreplay — the most misunderstood, rushed-through, and skipped-over part of sex. But here’s the truth: foreplay isn’t optional. It’s not just a warm-up. It’s the whole damn vibe. In this episode, we’re breaking down the 5 biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to foreplay — and how to turn things around so it actually feels good (for both of you). Here’s what we’re diving into: Why “just get to the point” is killing the vibe What makes receiving foreplay so hard (especially for women — hi, it’s not your fault) The most common foreplay ruts we all fall into How to make foreplay fun again — not forced, awkward, or performative A mindset shift that will change how you think about sex forever Whether you’re feeling stuck, unsure what your partner wants, or just ready for a heck of a lot more pleasure… this episode is your permission slip. Links & Resources: 🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides?ref=podcast-207&utm_term=podcast-207 Stay Connected: 📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here! 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices