EP 246: Helping Kids Tolerate Shame and Talk about Mistakes

Ever notice how some kids just cannot talk about hard things- especially if it’s about their own mistakes or ‘bad’ behavior? Maybe they melt down the second you bring it up… or shut down completely.Let’s unpack what’s really going on when kids refuse to talk about mistakes or anything that feels “bad.” You’ll learn why their brain might be protecting them from feelings that are just too much - and how you can gently help them build the capacity to feel bad and still be okay.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why refusing to talk about hard things isn’t defiance—it’s protectionWhat’s happening in the brain when a child remembers something painful or shame-filledHow to scaffold conversations about mistakes using stories, characters, and your own modelingThe difference between avoiding hard conversations from connection mode versus protection modeResources mentioned in this podcast:Resources included in the blog summary go hereRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/talkaboutmistakesThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Does your child get stuck in “buy me, buy me, buy me!” mode? Or maybe they melt down when they can’t have what they want right now?I know it seems selfish, manipulative, or even bratty- but we want to put on our x-ray vision goggles and get curious about WHY. In this episode, we’ll unpack why delayed gratification and frustration tolerance are Owl Brain skills. You’ll learn how to grow your child’s capacity to wait, tolerate disappointment, and handle “no” without losing connection (and without losing your mind). In this episode, you’ll learn:Why delayed gratification and frustration tolerance depend on a strong Owl BrainHow to make waiting concrete without turning it into a reward systemWhy connection and co-regulation- not consequences- grow real frustration toleranceRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/cantwaitThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Is your child suddenly quiet… but you can feel something bubbling under the surface?They aren’t yelling, running, or arguing like usual- but you can tell their system is still fired up and on high alert.Today, we’re talking about that “quiet volcano” version of watchdog energy. It looks calm. Still. Almost possum-like.But inside? Their nervous system is holding a TON of activation right under the surface.In this episode, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between true shutdown and contained watchdog energy, why some kids start holding everything inside, and how to help that “stuck” activation soften and move in safe, co-regulated ways.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why watchdog energy can go quiet and look totally still, even though it’s NOT regulatedHow to figure out what’s really going on underneath the “calm” exteriorWhat to do when your child is a volcano on the inside, including simple movement-based strategies that help the nervous system come back into rhythm and relational safetyRead the full transcript at:  RobynGobbel.com/volcanoesThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

This episode originally aired in October 2024.All behavior makes sense and no behavior is maladaptive- in the moment that behavior emerges.Of course, the IMPACT of the behavior might be maladaptive and absolutely many behaviors need to change.But understanding that all behavior makes perfect sense at the moment it emerges is the lynchpin in offering folks co-regulation, connection, and felt-safety.In this episode, you’ll learnHow all brains create realityThe brain’s most important jobThe most effective path to take if you want to see behavior changeThere is a free, one-page infographic that summaries the neurobiology of behavior in my Free Resource Hub! The infographic captures inside/outside/between, the stream of the now and the stream of the past, and 11 million bits of data. Grab that infographic and more than 20 additional resources in the Hub!Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/allbehaviormakessenseCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!https://RobynGobbel.com/FreeResourceHubThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

If you're parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system, grief is an ever-present companion, whether we acknowledge grief or not.The holiday season often stirs that grief up a bit more. Our kids need more accomodations, they don't find the same things fun that other kids do, and sometimes it feels like special events aren't even worth it. As November begins, I'm replaying this previously episode all about grief in parenting a child with a vulnerable nervous system. In this episode, you’ll learn:The relationship between trauma and griefWhy it's important to make space for grief in our kids and in ourselvesThe role of self-compassionHow a lack of media representation of your parenting journey causes griefResources mentioned in this podcast:Robyn's book: https://robyngobbel.com/bafflingbookRead a summary or the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/griefCheck Out All Robyn's Free Resources!You can download all sorts of free resources, including webinars, eBook, and infographics about topics such as lying, boundaries, and co-regulation!RobynGobbel.com/FreeResourcesThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes our kids look completely calm- even smug — while doing something that definitely isn’t a behavior of connection.But…they’re not melting down. They’re not screaming. They seem totally in control.Seems kinda like owl brain, yeah? But- it’s not. It’s protection mode, even if the behavior seems calm. In this episode, we’ll talk about how kids can use their thinking brain in the service of their protective brain. They might plan, plot, and problem-solve… but they aren’t integrating. They aren’t considering other people, or long-term consequences. They’re thinking, but they’re not connected.In this Episode You’ll LearnWhy calm doesn’t always mean regulated (and what’s really going on in those moments).How “clever” misbehavior can actually be protection mode — even when it looks smart or controlled.How a child can plan into the future- and still be in protection mode. What to do after the Owl Brain returns — how to hold accountability, repair, and make success inevitable next time.Resources mentioned in this podcast:Resources included in the blog summary go hereRead the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/calculatedThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

You ask your child what happened, and before you can finish the sentence, they’re already saying, “It wasn’t my fault!”Sound familiar?I know this is SO frustrating! But there’s a reason this is so hard, and it has everything to do with (of course!) the brain and nervous system.In this episode, you’ll learn:Why taking responsibility is an Owl brain skill that depends on reflection, regulation, and cause-and-effect thinkingHow Watchdog and Possum states block the ability to reflect and instead create defensive, blame-shifting languageSimple ways to grow your child’s capacity for responsibility through connection, regulation, and safety, not shameResources mentioned in this podcast:All About Me workbook ($15 download on my website or FREE with your Club membership)Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/responsibilityThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes you share something about the brain—like how all behavior makes sense—and people push back hard. Maybe they dismiss it. Maybe they even get mad. It can feel confusing, because once you see the truth of relational neuroscience, it feels like such a relief. So why are some folks so resistant?In this episode, you’ll learn:Why resistance is often the nervous system’s way of protecting from grief, shame, or instabilityHow relational neuroscience challenges not just parenting practices but entire worldviewsWays to respond—with compassion for others and yourself—when resistance shows upResources mentioned in this podcast:Parenting When Your Partner Is Not On Board {EP 146} Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/resistThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Sometimes, your kids can handle frustration or disappointment with ease, and other times the exact same challenge sends them into meltdown mode. This can feel really baffling! Why are they so inconsistent?Well, part of that difference comes down to their window of stress tolerance.In this episode, you’ll learnWhat the window of stress tolerance is and how it connects to your child’s Owl, Watchdog, and Possum brainsWhy widening the window matters for learning, relationships, and everyday lifePractical ways you can help your child (and yourself!) expand the window through connection, playfulness, noticing the good, and self-compassionResources mentioned in this podcast:What Does Co-Regulation Really Look Like? {EP 81}Scaffolding is a Form of Co-Regulation {EP 82}Boundaries with Connection Part 1 of 3 {EP 111}Felt Safety (Inside) - Part 1 {Ep 161}Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/windowoftoleranceThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)

Have you ever smiled while you were seething inside? Or told your child “it’s fine” when it absolutely wasn’t? That mismatch (incongruent affect, we’re gonna talk psychology mumbo jumbo) isn’t just confusing. It’s a cue of danger- to your child’s nervous system AND to yours!In this episode, you’ll learn:Why kids are biologically wired to trust their caregivers and what happens when their neuroception contradicts the words they hear.How “faking calm” backfires, and why matching energy without dysregulation is a more effective way to bring safety.How growing your window of tolerance and strengthening your owl brain helps you stay regulated while feeling big, hard feelings.Read the full transcript at: RobynGobbel.com/incongruentaffectThe Club is welcoming new members now until Friday!Head to RobynGobbel.com/TheClub for details and to join us!::: :::Grab a copy of USA Today Best Selling book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors robyngobbel.com/bookJoin us in The Club for more support! robyngobbel.com/TheClubSign up on the waiting list for the 2027 Cohorts of the Baffling Behavior Training Institute's Immersion Program for Professionals robyngobbel.com/ImmersionFollow Me On:FacebookInstagram Over on my website you can find:Webinar and eBook on Focus on the Nervous System to Change Behavior (FREE)eBook on The Brilliance of Attachment (FREE)LOTS & LOTS of FREE ResourcesOngoing support, connection, and co-regulation for struggling parents: The ClubYear-Long Immersive & Holistic Training Program for Parenting Professionals: The Baffling Behavior Training Institute’s (BBTI) Professional Immersion Program (formerly Being With)