Tottenham Find Their Lost Cojones!

ELLAND ROAD MISERYOutrun, outfought. outthought. International break, you say?JOHN BROOKSMan's got form. Is he biased or useless or both? SUBSTITUTION CONFUSIONMarmoush ghosting at CF and LW, Solanke off the pace, LWB left with scraps. THE RELEGATION PLANVinai reveals we had one. He didn't even get that right. BLOODY GERMANS Mikey Moore struggling at Koln, Harry Kane signs a new deal at Bayern.Plus De Zerbi's touchline ban, Room 101 and some properly stupid tweets.COYS THFC

PALACE: JOB DONEDominant, comfortable. Goals still an optional extra?LUCA WILLIAMS-BARNETTWow, just wow!DE ZERBI'S REVOLUTIONNastier, sharper Spurs.THE KANE CONUNDRUMBallon d'Or winner. We always knew he'd win it. Didn't we?THE BEAUTIFUL GAME'S UGLY SIDEPPPP wants Spain, Dele remembers Levy, and Twitter discovers new depths of stupidity.LOOKALIKE DEPARTMENTLo Celso/George Ford. Tonali/Sharleen Spiteri. Hazard/ the Hair Bears.ROOM 101Plus stadium irritations, annoying neighbours, the price of a place in a Spurs final and Leeds away at lunchtime. What's not to love?With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott & Eady BeesonCOYS THFC

KIPLING CAN GET TO FUCKSecond win at the Bridge in 36 years. Lovely football, a clean sheet and Gary Neville telling the world to worry about us. We’re not treating triumph and disaster the same today, Rudyard.FERNANDES & CO.Fernandes masterful, Tonali commanding, Archie everywhere, Tel scoring, Robertson becoming almost likeable. Eight goals in eight games, though. January, please bring us a striker.GIFTED WASTERSNdombele and Ravel Morrison. Proof that talent and common sense don’t always travel together.ROOM 101M&S doormen, useless supercomputers, and Man City’s apologists reach new heights of absurdity.PALACE NEXTSame XI or more De Zerbi tinkering? We’ve finally got momentum. Let’s try not to do anything Spursy.With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott & Rob WhiteCOYS THFC

WE WON!Spurs finally win a game. And we did it with all the fluency of a wardrobe being pushed upstairs.BREAK OUT THE BUNTINGMaddison’s back, Marmoush scores, Kulu returns after 500-plus days. TACTICAL MASTERCLASS?A back five nobody understood, Van Hecke looking like an accident waiting to happen, Tosin impressing and Ben Davies making a case for No. 1 left-back. FERNANDES MYSTERYHas he nicked RDZ’s parking space? Taken the last custard cream?SPURS, THE MONEY AND THE MISERYCity’s alleged financial shenanigans: £119.9m in potential damage to Spurs. ROOM 101Air conditioning in freezing cafés. Dion Dublin’s laugh. Goalkeepers who put both hands up at corners. CHELSEA. SATURDAY. 5.30.Is there any point? Any reason to hope?COYS THFC TTID Tottenham Spurs

RDZ-BALL! Dominant, classy, organised. Are we actually becoming a football team?SOLANKE: CONFIDENCE, LOCATED?Two misses, one good goal. Good times around the corner?GALLAGHER! YES, GALLAGHER!Plus Sávio, Kudus, Archie and the magnificent Udogie. BENTANCUR’S BIG BONE-HEADED MOMENTSchadenfreude bites Maguire on the arse.ROOM 101 & THE COVENTRY CARNAGEThings we hate, things we want banished — and the small matter of Coventry. What could possibly go wrong?YOUR DISTINGUISHED PANELWith Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott and Suzie Barnacle.THFC COYS!

INTERMINABLE INTERNATIONAL BREAK Some Spurs successes, but more injuries. Whoda thought?THE NEXT BIG THINGThe desperate ITKs have been rummaging around Germany and Brazil for players you’ve never heard of.MANCHESTER CITY: THE BILLNearly a billion quid of alleged cheating, four Spurs Champions League places lost and a huge question about what we do next.THE PATHWAY FOR YOUTHJamie Donley says there isn’t one. MORE VINAI BULLSHITWe’ve heard it all before.ARSENAL PLAYERS WE CAN TOLERATEPat Jennings. Anyone else?ROOM 101Real issues for real Spurs fansWith Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott & Dave BradshawCOYS THFC Spurs Tottenham Hotspur

FOUR-P & KULUOne’s out for a month. One might be back. Possibly. Maybe. Could be. Spurs medical updates: now available in horoscope form.ARE WE STILL SCARRED?Andy Robertson thinks so. We’ve got ten new players and got rid of 44, though, so presumably there’s more going on than collective football PTSD.LANKSHEAR & MIKEYGoals for the kids, more evidence that Lankshear’s departure looks increasingly odd — and that Mikey Moore might be preferable to Tel and Mudryk.ARCHIBALD AT 70Steve Archibald is seventy. Julie looks back at a Spurs legend.ROB WHITE AT THE HALL OF FAMERob was there representing his dad. We get the inside look. SPURS PLAYERS WE’D FORGOTTENPienaar. Routledge. Konchesky. Yedlin. Pletikosa. And, somehow, Kulusevski.CATS OR DOGS?Robertson’s a dog. Kinsky, Udogie and Xavi are cats. We have absolutely no scientific evidence for any of this.THE OPTA APOCALYPSE18th. Forty-three points. Apparently the supercomputer has been drinking.With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Rob White & Kev Acott

ROCK BOTTOM - we started there alphabetically, now we’ve earned it.LIVERPOOL - more shots, more possession, more chances. Guess what.VILLA - well at least we broke our duck in a lost cause, but that’s 48 games without winning after conceding first. We’re allergic to setbacks.WHERE ARE THE GOALS? - Dom has disappeared. Will January be too late?RDZ - fragile team, criticism of individuals. What could possibly go wrong?101 & OTHER NONSENSESpurs Twitter loses its mind, Robertson gets threatened with violence, Kulusevski is somehow “back” again, and someone finds a good-looking man in a twatty shop.INTERNATIONAL BREAK - who isn't coming back injured?With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch & Barry GrahamCOYS THFC

No goals. Again. But hey, we didn’t concede. Paul Merson called Everton our cup final - we'll take a cup final in September, right?Tonali silky? More woolly. Injuries. Natch. Even PPPP is crocked. Thirty-minute Spurs. RDZ says that’s all we’ve currently got in the tank. Savio vs his teammates. Plus RDZ having a public pop at Tel. Team spirit is clearly thriving.RDZ OUT? Tactics outdated? Predictable? Blames everyone else. Or… maybe give him five minutes before we sack him.Richy stays. For now. Bergvall gets a new contract. Liverpool await. Villa - will they turn up as 1970 Brazil?ROOM 101And - can 34 more 0–0s keep us up?With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott & Suzie BarnacleCOYS THFC

60% possession, eleven shots, not a single one on target. We’ve brought in ten players but still lack a guy who can stick it in the onion bag. Mudryk isn’t ready. Tonali isn’t ready. Solanke isn’t ready. Udogie isn’t ready. Nobody’s ready. Except Richy, who's ready to catch a plane to Saudi Arabia.We pick through the latest Spurs nonsense, ponder the new arrivals, lamengt the ones we've lost, and ask whether this is a tactical masterplan or just another elaborate way of making supporting Spurs unnecessarily difficult.Plus Room 101, VAR, missed chances, medical advice and 'bunker mentality'.With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott & Dave BradshawCOYS THFC