Beta Valentine – Heartiste

Every male reader of the Chateau needs to see this movie, if for no other reason than to absorb the lessons it offers as a cautionary tale. *BLUE Valentine*

Self-satisfaction will see a man through all sorts of tribulations. Radiating confidence, deserved or irrational, is what is most attractive to women. This man looks confident, and his wife stands by him. She has the mousy, hunched over posture of a woman in love. All else that’s objectively negative about him fades to insignificance in the matter of what stirs her heart. 

As a responsible father the setbacks you most want your son to avoid are: One-itis. LJBF. Surprise dumpings. Grinding celibacy. Divorce. Marriage to an ugly feminist. Give him the knowledge and tools to circumvent those unhappy fates and the wisdom of your experience and you will be a hero to him for life.

My only advice I have for the young man who emailed me: 1. Stop beating up on yourself and acting so goddamned melodramatic. You have much insight for your age. Your intelligence will take you far. Now what you need is calm and wisdom. 2. This too shall pass. 3. The big picture trumps the little picture. 4. Stay away from your mother as much as humanly possible. She is damaged goods for you. Single moms, even your own flesh and blood, are poison for your growth as a man and a ladykiller. 5. For that matter, stay away from your father. Unless he is willing to change, he will only continue to infect you with his beta loser stench. Harsh words, I know, but your well-being trumps all. 6. If you are not ready to give up on either of your parents, then show your father this blog. Tell him to read from day one. Enlightenment is a mouse click away. 7. Show your mother this blog too. Expect hysterics. 8. Stand up to your mother. From what you have written, she sounds like an emotional vampire who demands payment in obeisance and comes to loathe those who give her what she wants. Fuck that noise. Get back to the cocky/funny that you used to be around her. 9. If all the above fail, consider physically moving away from these parasites. Friends, family, everyone. Gather your savings, quit your job, and move to a new city or even a new country. 10. Someday you will die. But today is not that day. Now is the time to live.

Now, instead of toiling for years as a cog in the machine, giving til it hurt, to win the heart of a marriageable woman in a socially-approved manner, men were, in effect, mimicking the traditional alpha male through a process of data compression. The confident body language and cocky humor of the CEO or BigLaw sleaze-bag could be had by the common man for pennies on the dollar. Most men scoff at this. It takes many demonstrations by pioneers before the average guy will lose his long-held beliefs about how the world works. Even those guys who know about game and have immersed themselves in it like a religious follower at a tent revival find it difficult to change their old ways...  Marriage, rigged as it is against men in its current configuration, is still the norm people aspire to.

The girl you are dating is head over heels in love with you: you are in the do-no-wrong zone, my friend... There’s a catch -- this magic window only lasts about three months... The downside with this scenario is that you have to date at least two points lower than your market value equivalent.

The Chateau Gift-Buying Guide. If she is a mistress: Something perishable, like a dinner or bouquet of flowers. You don’t want evidence of your infidelity lingering on either you or her. Upside: Keeps her expectations low. If you give her expensive stuff she’ll assume you’re thinking of leaving your wife to be with her. Downside: A mistress always has you by the balls, unless you have managed the trick of persuading your wife to the spiritual benefits of polygyny. Go cheap on the gifts and she may show up at your front door at 2 A.M. with a bag of candy. If she is a Christmas Eve one night stand: a six-pack of Michelob Light. If she is three-week-old fresh pussy: Be careful! Many a man has learnt a painful financial lesson when his loins were in charge of his credit card. Best bet: don’t buy the potential slut anything. If she is a fling (you’ve been dating for fewer than three months, and plan to keep it that way): For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band both you and her like. Use her as a pawn to flirt with hipster chicks at the show. For Christmas, a scarf and a bottle of Chivas. Drink until she’s hot and/or interesting. If she is in the three to four month limbo between a fling and a girlfriend, and you’re not sure if she’s the one: For birthdays, tickets to a show for a band she likes. For Christmas, a stuffed animal with a homemade card. If she is your girlfriend, #1 crush: For birthdays or anniversaries, bracelet or necklace if you are a beta. A puppy if you are a greater beta. A hot cocktail dress with accompanying lingerie if you are an alpha. A homemade mix tape if you are a super alpha. For Christmas, ditch the conventional trinkets of romantic servitude in favor of fun and funny. Maxim #140: The more expensive or thoughtful the gift you give a girl, the greater the risk that she will subconsciously begin to think she is too good for you. Corollary: If you are dating out of your league, or you are dating a young hot babe in her prime, you should do the exact opposite of what everyone will tell you to do -- *do not* buy her expensive gifts. If she’s your aging wife in a country with divorce laws that favor the husband: Nothing. If she’s your aging wife in the USA: Refinance the mortgage to buy her the moon. If she is girl #3 in your harem: Nothing. If you’re trying to dump her: A toaster oven. Or kitty litter if you’re a cheap bastard.

Maximize your odds of a bang with the torment of your dreams: 1. Always talk about the girls you are dating, fucking, or seeking the same from to your girl “friend”. 2. Limit your friendzone time to drinking, shows, art exhibits, and house parties. 3. Immediately and without qualification change the subject when your girl “friend” begins talking about a guy she likes, or the dudes she’s fucking or wants to fuck. 4. Don’t make a production of her wistful musings about other guys, though. 5. You’re going to want to invoke feelings of latent jealousy as much as possible. 6. Use her as a target for practicing your teasing skills. 7. Once in a while, she’s going to unload that “I fucked a hot dude last night” conversation bomb. Do not react negatively. 8. Your one advantage, if you can call it that, is that you are the guy who is “there for her” when times are tough and she needs a shoulder to cry on. Occasionally, like when Jupiter aligns with Uranus and her oxytocin levels are off the charts, a girl will feel strong intimate feelings for the emotionally available and sensitive beta male. That’s when you leap in. 9. Finally, preemptively dump her after the first time you bang her. Yes that’s right, unceremoniously dump the girl of your dreams. 10. If you are slow to act, and she manages to “dump” you first, you have a counter maneuver. Agree with her. Then in the days immediately following, cut off all contact for a few weeks – or months, as the circumstances require.

My suggestions for how losers in love can turn their fortunes around without lowering their standards: 1. Travel to an economically depressed second tier country like Russia or its East European neighbors where the culture is not too different and the women are known hot commodities. Downside: avoid getting conned. 2. Not keen on the hassle of traveling and importing a first rate piece of ass?  Try scooping up the ones who shell out their own travel expenses and come here to the U.S. Downside: must get to these girls BEFORE she realizes that American women are shrieking ball-busting self-absorbed harpies with serious BMI issues pedestalized by beta men. 3. Move to the Heartland. Money will go farther, style will be intriguing, marginally witty jokes will get more mileage.  Downsides: obesity epidemic, resentful local boys prone to violence, bastard children, smell of manure. 4. Lie. Downside: forget about long term relationships. 5. Hit on damaged goods. Downsides: STD's, kids, short shelf lives. 6. Castration. Nothing removes neediness like zero sex drive. Downside: zero sex drive.

As the “negative” traits accumulate, the odds of hot girl sex increase exponentially rather than linearly. 1) Over 25. Odds increase by: +10% for each additional year, -20% at age 30, and +30% for ages 31 and up. 2) Single Mom. Odds increase by: 50% for the first kid, 85% if a Downs Syndrome kid, 20% for each additional kid. 3) Physical Deformity. Odds increase by: 20 – 150%, depending on severity of disfigurement. 4) Former Fatty. Odds increase by: 10 – 70%, depending on length and heft of fat phase. 5) Recent Divorcee. Odds increase by: 20% if she filed for divorce, 40% if her ex filed for divorce. 6) Foreigner. Odds increase by: 60% if she is from a patriarchal culture like Russia, 30% if she is from a feminized culture like Sweden, 80% if she is from a dirt poor patriarchal culture and she’s trying to get a green card. Conclusion: Beta, desperate, and settling is no way to go through life, son.