Episode 433 - Arousal Without an Agenda

Most couples who come to me have already tried. They have read the books, taken the courses, sat with a therapist, and walked out with a plan they both believed in. And it worked, for a few weeks, maybe a few months, before everything slid back to exactly where it was. In this episode I use an iceberg model I heard Brene Brown describe to explain why that keeps happening. The problem you can see is only the tip. Through the story of one couple who made the same plan five separate times, I walk down all four layers and show why the changes you make never last, and what actually has to shift for them to hold. The Iceberg Under Your Marriage Graphic

Many conversations about improving your sex life focus on what men can do differently. But there's another side that rarely gets talked about: women who can't receive. In this episode, Amanda breaks down two distinct patterns — the wife who checks out and endures, and the wife who keeps redirecting everything back to her husband — exploring why each happens, where the need for control comes from, and what it actually takes to change. Whether you're the one struggling to receive or the husband who's stopped trying, this episode offers a way forward. Get the worksheet here

After thousands of hours on Zoom with couples, I can usually tell by the second or third conversation which marriages are going to make it. It has almost nothing to do with the size of the problem. In this episode I walk through the six patterns I watch for, what each one sounds like on a call, and what to do if you see your own marriage in one of them. Recognizing one is not a verdict. It's information you can work with. Here is this episode's worksheet.

Most of us have heard of the seven deadly sins, but I'd never heard them reframed quite like this. In this episode, I dig into Elizabeth Oldfield's idea that these old sins aren't really about morality checklists, they're about disconnection, and I bring that lens straight into marriage and the bedroom. The part I can't stop thinking about is a mistranslation in Matthew 5 that's convinced a lot of good, married people they should feel ashamed just for wanting their own spouse. I also discuss how President Benson's "Beware of Pride" talk works within  Oldfield's work, and for every pattern that pulls you apart, I give you what actually brings you back together. I invite you to listen and see if anything makes you stop and think about your own relationship. You might be surprised. Here are the questions for this week's episode. Here is the link to the book I talk about, Fully Alive.

Most of the fights in your marriage aren't problems to solve. They're paradoxes, and we get stuck the moment we try to pick a side instead of accepting both. In this episode, I dig into why our faith is built floor to ceiling on paradoxes, why the Stockdale Paradox (brutal honesty plus unshakable faith) separates couples who heal from couples who quietly erode, and why even the word "cleave" asks you to cling and stand apart at the same time. I share how my clients broke a three-year standoff not by resolving their paradox but by stepping into the middle of it. If you've been waiting for the tension in your marriage to disappear before things get good, this one's for you.   

What if the problem in your sex life isn't really about sex at all? In this episode, I'm talking about emotional safety and the powerful role it plays in both your marriage and your sexual relationship. We'll look at the patterns that slowly break down emotional safety, including criticism, defensiveness, dismissal, and shame, as well as what both partners can do to rebuild trust and connection. I'll also help you recognize when you may be contributing to an emotionally unsafe environment and show you how curiosity, accountability, repair, and consistency can begin to change those patterns. Because the deepest intimacy happens when both partners feel safe enough to be fully known.

Have you ever stopped yourself from feeling close to your spouse because you were worried about where it might lead? In this episode, I explore why arousal, or what the ancient Greeks called Eros, is about so much more than sex. I talk about how learning to experience desire without pressure or expectation can create deeper trust, stronger emotional connection, and a more vibrant marriage. If you've ever felt like affection automatically comes with an agenda, this episode will help you discover how allowing Eros to simply exist can transform both your relationship and your intimate connection.

In this final episode of my five-part series, I challenge the idea that our sexuality is the "natural man" and offer a new framework for understanding what King Benjamin was really teaching in Mosiah 3:19. Together, we'll explore how ego, not desire, is often what keeps us disconnected from God and from our spouse, and how awareness, agency, and alignment can transform our relationships. If you've been following this series, this episode brings everything together into a hopeful path forward. If you're just joining us, I encourage you to go back and listen to the first four episodes to fully understand the journey and how these ideas build on one another. You can find those first four episodes here: 428, 429, 430, 431.

What if one of the most familiar teachings about sexuality deserves a second look? In this episode, I take a careful look at Alma 39 and the teaching that sexual sin is "next to murder," exploring the historical origins of that interpretation, how it became so embedded in Latter-Day Saint culture, and why I believe the scripture may be saying something very different. I also discuss the lasting impact this belief has had on individuals and marriages, especially through shame and fear, and how a closer reading of the text can open the door to healing, healthier intimacy, and a more compassionate understanding of God. If this teaching has ever shaped the way you view yourself, your sexuality, or your marriage, I hope this episode gives you a new perspective to prayerfully consider.  I would suggest that you listen to the first 3 episodes in this series before listening to this episode. You can find those here: 428, 429, and 430

What if the messages you received about sexuality shaped you more than you ever realized? In this third episode of my series, I explore how decades of cultural and religious teachings affected the way many men experience desire, shame, intimacy, and marriage. Through the stories of Bennett and Silas, I unpack how those messages can show up in very different ways and why healing begins by coming home to your own body instead of trying to earn your worth. I hope this episode gives you a deeper understanding of yourself and the path toward healthier, more connected intimacy.  Listen to the first episode in the series here. And the second episode in the series here.