If the Walls Could Talk

Fork over the treasure, you greedy raiders, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here with another long-buried episode of Round the Twist. And what a suspiciously large cluster of banknotes this episode is, with Bronson seeking money to afford a BMX bike. But the path from rags to riches is a tough one, and this episode makes clear that paid employment is the least effective, driving poor Bronson to take up treasure and bounty hunting in a constantly shifting order. Will Pete and Linda’s brief interest in firewalking teach them the joy of pain and pleasure intertwined? Will Bronson hunt more scofflaws? How many children can you leave screaming in an open grave? All this and letters for the absconded criminals we call fans.

Hand over the remote, you degenerate clickers, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here with another televisual episode of Round the Twist. And what a nearly meta episode it is, as a TV with no explained powers magically turns the Twist kids into facsimiles of TV characters both fictional and other. Pete becomes a milk-chugging AFL star, Linda a Current Affair hostess, and Bronson a fictional TV gumshoe, while Gribble buys a swamp and Fay gets an ultrasound. Did this episode show an AFL game because it couldn’t think of anything else to do? Does the writer understand that an athlete and fictional character aren’t the same thing? Can a beam struggle between fake TV characters and even faker TV characters save this episode? All this and letters from the unstable reality levels we call fans.  

Shame your kinks, you filthy perverts, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here with another worryingly horny episode of Round the Twist. And what a dangerously close to bestiality episode it is as Pete wonders if he should open his relationship even farther. A flea that resembles Dracula isn’t even the real point of the story, as its bites turn Pete into a weredog whose horniness for a dog-dog remains even when the transformation has worn off. What the hell is a flea circus anyway? What’s the conversion rate for character actors? Where’s Bronson’s nose thing going? All this and letters from the ferals we call fans.  

Hide your shame, you degenerate exhibitionists, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here with another scandalous episode of Round the Twist. And what a dangerously close to child nudity episode it is as Linda finds a magic perfume bottle at the tip that makes her invisible and has no other explanation beyond that. Elsewhere, Gribble Sr rigs a horse race to lie about history while Pete attempts to win it to impress his inseparable trio of teenage girls. Has Bronson been watching Cronenberg? Is Pete just in love with the idea of love? How much sideboob is acceptable in non-Latin American children’s television? All this and letters from the jaybirds we call fans.  

Sparkle in the darkness, you glowing eyeballs, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to peek under another episode of Round the Twist. And what an admirably 1970s Doctor Who episode it is, featuring a guy in a dust monster costume living the dream by tormenting Bronson. Meanwhile, Fay tries to explain basic biology to Tony while the Gribbles plot to exploit some mysterious earthquakes. Does Tony know where babies come from? What’s that multi-dimensional entity up to? Can Linda’s astrology explain Bronson’s fart jars? All this and letters from the dust-bunnies we call fans.

Ensure your compliance, you Y2K bugs, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to gently guide you into the terrifying future of 21st century Round the Twist. And what a start “Welcome Back” is, featuring a “twist” on the classic possession tale as a family of competently special-effected specters copy the family in a desperate ploy to finally see heaven. Is it harder to find a replacement Snapper than it is a Fay? Is sweaty Gribble’s advice better than dry Gribble’s? How long can we watch a sobbing Rabbit fist a toilet? All this and letters from the Class IV Semi-Corporeals we call fans.    

The Big Rock Harvest your boat batteries, you Norwegian Stepchildren, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to guide you through season three of Round the Twist’s finale, “The Big Rock”. And what a finally it is, with several serialized points, several irrelevant developments, and Tony marrying Fay again all fighting for the tiny amount of space allowed by publicly funded Australian children’s television. What might be Thor’s daughter shows up for her hypno-molestation book only to find Snapper has used all the love leaving only poetic curses, including fleas and vanishing adults. Can children survive in a world without proper supervision? Will the other children eat Bronson once they’re sick of ice cream? Did Snapper at least get to keep the car? All this and letters from the clearly unattended minors we call fans.

Brush up on your texts, you scruffy girls, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to tutor you in another episode of Round the Twist. And what an episode “If the Walls could Talk” is as magical lightning forces a world of objects to do the one thing truly too absurd for this series: listen to Bronson. And listen they do, but talk back to him they do also! Helping Bronson navigate the Port Niranda Clever Kids Competition and his father’s narratively convenient inability to remember the Viking book of love. Are all chests of drawers Italian? Where does one thing end and another thing begin? Is all that crying you’ve been doing good in this context? All this and letters from the talking fenceposts we call fans.  

Lick your Italians, you sapient appliances, as your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, take you on a sleeve-greening trip through another episode of Round the Twist. And what an episode “The Ice-Cream Man Cometh” turns out to be. Linda has a job serving Gribble’s “all-natural” iced creams but abandons that den of chemicals for the ever-reliable Italian food truck. But this truck hides its own secret. A cold secret that threatens to leap about, do disgusting things, and force unpleasant questions. What’s the difference between a Gypsy and an Italian? What is it with kisses and curses? Are all the chemicals responsible for Gribble’s hair being like that? All this and letters from the quivering gobs of xanthan gum we call fans.  

Bud your Tingwells, emotional mutants, it’s your Accredited Australians, Amber and Gabe, here to dance in a racially insensitive manner about another episode of Round the Twist. And what a dance “Tears of Innocence” is, starting with hitting balls at an Australian acting legend and only adding more leprechauns from there. Can Pete’s acting ability bring precipitation to Dune? Can you ever have too many crane shots? Is there an okay way to make a thirteen-year-old slave boy wear a midriff top? All this and letters from the tragic comedies we call fans.