How to Create Emotional & Spiritual Health in Your Home with Debra Fileta, M.A., LPC

If you've listened before, you'll notice something different about today's episode. Over the past four months, I've been doing a radio segment called Mental Health Monday for Magic 104.1 in Oklahoma City. We've covered a wide range of topics from how empathic listening can help our kids manage anxiety to setting healthy boundaries with our kids while we work from home. You can text any questions you'd like me to answer in upcoming segments to 405-460-5104! Topics we cover: 🧠 (1:14) How can I know if my child is mentally healthy? What can we as parents do to help raise mentally healthy kids? 👂 (6:05) What is empathetic listening and how can it help my child's anxiety? 📚 (10:17) How can parents support a child who's struggling in school? 📱 (14:16) How much screen time is too much screen time? How can I help my kids use screens responsibly? 💔 (17:28) How can I help manage my child's loneliness when they're spending time home alone over the summer? 😱 (21:14) How do I keep my sanity when I'm working from home with kids in the house? 👭 (24:53) How do we know our kids are socializing enough?  🎮 (27:33) Is my child spending too much time in their room? 🎒 (31:26) How can I help my child process their back-to-school anxiety? Follow My Magic Morning Show: website | Instagram | Facebook

Most of us don’t love change, but for our teens, times of transition can be especially stressful and lead to anxiety and depression. But don’t lose hope, parents! In this episode, I’m excited to share my conversation with author Jennifer Dukes Lee and her daughter, Anna about how their journey through Anna’s depression and chronic illness has actually made them closer and their faith stronger. We also discuss when to offer help, when to stick it out and when to move on, and Anna shares some practical things that have helped her process her emotions in a healthy way. Key points from our conversation: ❓ Teens have the biggest struggles during times of transition because of the uncertainty it brings. It’s common to run through “what-if” worst-case scenarios. They can reframe that thinking by remembering that things could be good and even if not, they’re resilient enough to bounce back. 💭 It’s hard to ask for help, especially if you’re a teen. But as a parent, if you notice flat emotions, disinterest in things your child used to enjoy, or lethargy, offer them the option to seek counseling. They may not have the energy to get help then, but it can assist them in beginning to think about how they plan to manage difficulties in their life. 🤝 It’s important to have a support system in place. We’re not meant to go it alone. We need community. 🎢 Getting better is not a linear process. Emotions are rollercoasters; they come in waves. There is not just one area of treatment to address. We must address the whole – mind, body, spirit, and environment. ✨ It can be difficult to know when to stick out a hard situation to build resilience and when to withdraw from an environment. If something is consuming your teen’s identity, consider making a change. Our kids need to be in a place they feel safe. We must consider what is best for our child in this season of their life. ☀️ A few practical things Anna has done that have helped are exercise, getting sunlight, reading the Bible, journaling, taking her medication, and surrounding herself with a supportive community. Name the emotion you feel, identify where you feel it in your body, and choose a movement to let it go. If we don’t process through emotions, they will loop and become more exaggerated. 💕 If your teen is struggling with depression, don’t lose hope. Jennifer and Anna are closer now than ever because they’ve experienced the struggle together and learned to trust God. Resources mentioned: Growing Slow: Lessons on Un-Hurrying Your Heart from an Accidental Farm Girl Follow Jennifer: website | Instagram | Facebook Follow Anna: website | Seed Apparel Instagram | personal Instagram

The best way to teach our children healthy behaviors is by modeling them, but as parents, we often find ourselves too busy to exercise, eat healthy meals, or get enough sleep. In the second half of my chat with licensed professional counselor and author Debra Fileta, we discuss how faulty perceptions affect our decision-making, why seeking professional help for mental health is taboo in the Christian church, how our emotional health is linked to our physical health, and some practical ways to develop good sleep hygiene.  Key points from our conversation: 🧠What you think impacts how you feel, which impacts what you do. When talking about mental and emotional health, we always want to start by addressing a thought process. 🚫Cognitive distortion is a faulty way of thinking that affects our decision-making. Examples include an all-or-nothing mentality, mindreading (assuming you know what another person is thinking), and catastrophizing. 🕒 It’s important to stay in the present instead of focusing on what happened in the past or what may happen in the future. ✝️ Often Christians are afraid to admit they need help because they believe it indicates a deficit of faith. Struggling with mental health does not reflect a character issue, it reflects a chemical issue. 🙁 It’s important to help our children process through the hard stuff. Trauma doesn’t have to be abuse or abandonment, it can be grief or disappointment. We often try to ignore trauma and hope time will heal, but things can get worse if not addressed. 🏃‍♀️ Your physical health is linked to your emotional health. We need to be intentional about regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep and model it for our children. If you notice a pattern of disrupted sleep or a change in appetite, energy levels, or ability to concentrate, it could be a sign of a deeper issue. 💤 Some practical ways to develop good sleep hygiene include limiting screen time, aroma therapy, drinking something warm, limiting caffeine intake, and keeping similar waking and bedtime hours. Resources mentioned: Are You Really OK?: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters More Than Moody: Recognizing and Treating Adolescent Depression Follow Debra: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

I want to ask you a simple, but hard question - “Are you really okay?” In this episode with licensed professional counselor and author Debra Fileta, we’re focusing on how we as parents can do the hard work of building emotional awareness within ourselves so we can normalize talking about emotions within our homes. Debra also shares how our view of God, others, and self affects our spiritual health and offers a practical exercise you can do with your child to help them explore their emotions and create healthy conversations. Key points from our conversation: 🩹 Healthy people make healthy relationships. So much of what we learn is modeled, so one of the best things was can do is take care of ourselves. 🌋 It’s crucial that we build emotional awareness. If we don’t release the emotions building under the surface in healthy ways, they will show up in an emotional outburst. 🎨 To help your child unpack their emotions, try the “feeling in my body” activity. Have the child draw an outline of their body and have them color it using different colors to show emotions in the body. The magic of the exercise is in the conversation it creates. It normalizes that it’s good and normal to talk about emotions. ❓ There are over 500 different emotions. Asking questions expands your child’s emotional vocabulary and helps them discover what they’re feeling and why. ✨ Emotions are real, but they are not always true. What makes emotions right or wrong is not feeling them, but what we do with that feeling. Emotional control means lining up what you feel with God’s truth. ✝️ Our view of God, others, and self are a big indicator of spiritual health because we often transfer our hurts to what we think about God. We must know what we truly believe about God. If we believe the wrong things, then our actions are rooted in the wrong things. The why is crucial. ❤️ What you believe about yourself determines the kind of relationship you believe you deserve. Resources mentioned: Are You Really OK?: Getting Real About Who You Are, How You’re Doing, and Why It Matters Printable feeling wheel The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Follow Debra: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

In our last episode with Marriage & Family Therapist Ann Taylor McNiece we talked about how we can engage in healthy discussion and avoid conflict that destroys. In the second part of our conversation, we’re discussing how we can repair the damage that’s already been caused, specifically in our family relationships. Key points from our conversation: 🩹 What you consider a repair may not be what the other person considers a repair, but your repair attempts count. 👂 Own any part of the problem you can gets your partner out of the attack cycle. Try reflective listening - reflect what you hear the person say, ask if you heard them right, own what you can. 💍 69% of problems are going to be unsolvable because they have to do with personality and preference. You can have a very happy marriage on the 31% you can work out. 💕 We are called to love and give sometimes more than we receive. You either have rejected the person or you’ve accepted that in your commitment, this isn’t a deal breaker. It’s not a character issue, it’s a preference. It’s not abuse, addiction, or adultery. 🙏 Being intentional about reflecting on what your grateful for about your spouse will create a more positive perspective in your marriage. This can be extremely difficult if you’re experiencing depression. 🤝 Counseling isn’t an effort to “fix” someone, it’s to find out how you can work better together. 🥪 Practice using the sandwich method - give a compliment, submit your request, follow it with the positive it will bring. 🧠 If you want to raise a mentally healthy kid, focus on your mental health first. Resources Mentioned: Gottman Bible Guide The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work No More Perfect Marriages: Experience the Freedom of Being Real Together Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships Follow Ann: website | Instagram | Facebook

As much as we may try, we can’t avoid conflict and have healthy relationships. In this episode with Marriage & Family Therapist Ann Taylor McNiece, we’re sharing some skills to help you engage in healthy discussion and avoid conflict that destroys. While most of this conversation is focused on spouses, these communication skills will impact every relationship in your life and change the dynamic of your household. Key points from our conversation: 💍 All marriages struggle, but you can choose to engage in a way that shows honor or one that causes destruction. The first 5 to 7 years of marriage are hard with the hardest being the year when you have your first child. ❤️ A sound relationship begins on the firm foundation of knowing each other. Partners should begin by building a “Love Map,” which is the essential guide to your partner’s inner world. In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else. Start by listening to each other one minute at a time. 💋 Couples need to be comfortable talking about sex outside the bedroom. You’re also going to need to be able to talk to your kids about sex. 😡 Before engaging in a conflict discussion, emotionally self-regulate so that you can approach the other person softly. A hard approach can cause unwanted conflict. Don’t have conversations when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. 🕒 When you feel yourself moving out of your tolerance window, set a time and place to revisit the conversation. 🧠 Teach kids coping skills to use when flooded such as listening to music, watching a funny video on YouTube, or calling a friend. The “four horsemen” of conflict: Criticism – Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. Criticizing is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. Contempt - When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Defensiveness - This is typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we respond in a way that guards you so that you can’t get to the root of the issue. Stonewalling - Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Resources Mentioned: Gottman Bible Guide Soul Grit Podcast Soul Grit Counseling Solution-Focused Pastoral Counseling: An Effective Short-Term Approach for Getting People Back on Track Gottman Card Decks App Sound Relationship House Celebrate Kids When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love Follow Ann: website | Instagram | Facebook

In this episode, I'm continuing my conversation with author and therapist, Aundi Kolber and digging into what it looks like to try softer with our families and the profound effect co-regulation can have on our children's nervous systems. We also walk through a practical technique you can use to ground yourself and share some encouragement for parents who feel their house is constantly dysregulated.  Key points from our conversation: ❓ Become curious about the type of home you grew up in. It will give you ideas and information about your own body. 🔎 Examine if there are things in your routine that habitually cause you anxiety. Notice how your body feels. Try grounding techniques – practices that use your 5 senses to bring you to the present moment. 🚀 "5,4,3,2,1 Blast Off" technique – identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. ✨ Regulating is a skill. When we’re dysregulated, we don’t have the capacity to solve problems strategically. Anything you can do to build your regulation will produce more goodness and life because you can evaluate what’s working. 🧠 Our regulation shapes our children's nervous systems. The more we ground, it translates to them. The more you practice, the faster you can regulate 💛 If you grew up in a dysregulated home, honor that your response to how you've survived your life is valid. Have compassion for how hard it’s been to get where you are today. 🩹 Compassion brings integration that allows for growth and change. Every single moment is a new moment and the sooner you begin to turn with compassion for your own story and your kids, the closer you have ever been to healing. 🥰 When we find compassion for ourselves, we can extend it to our kids. 🤝 Cognitive knowledge does not equate to embodied knowledge. Kids need to experience co-regulation with you. They need safety to be able to be open to what it looks like to problem solve. 🗣️ Connect, then correct. Do they feel heard? Kids aren’t open to learning if their bodies are dysregulated. Resources mentioned: Try Harder Connect with Aundi: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

In society we're often told to try harder, but what would it look like to try softer? In this episode, I'm joined by author and therapist, Aundi Kolber who shares about what it means to try softer, how we can help our kids process the trauma stuck in their bodies, and what it means to co-regulate.   Key points from our conversation: 🧠 Trauma is anything that overwhelms our nervous system and its capacity to cope. That trauma gets stuck in our bodies and must be processed.  🧬 When trauma is "stuck," it doesn't metabolize through our bodies and our brains cannot recognize the difference between the past and the present. Certain cues may trigger a past experience as though it was happening now. 👁️ Trauma always involves a perception element that is influenced by development. 🩹 When a parent's nervous system is in the window of tolerance where it is functioning well, we have the capacity to help our kids experience connection and safety.  ✨ Our communication is mostly non-verbal. First, regulate yourself, then help your child by being present with them reassuring them that you see them and that they matter. 💙 Trying softer is learning to pay compassionate attention. It creates resistance because it isn't easy. It takes faith to trust that God will work when you are not.  💪 Softness does not equal weakness. It is hard work to be soft. We don’t get there by pushing ourselves beyond capacity, it's a different kind of work that requires courage. 🤗 There is nothing more predictive of mental health than the ability to have a sense of safety internalized in your body. Resources mentioned: Try Harder The Body Keeps the Score The Search for Significance Connect with Aundi: website | Instagram | Facebook | podcast

In the last two episodes, I’ve been joined by Todd and Brooke Tilghman who have shared about their journey with their son who has battled with depression and anxiety, but this episode is a bit different. In this conversation, Brooke gets candid about her mental health struggles with post-partum depression and anxiety, as well as the tension she’s felt as a Christian who has found medication effective in treating her symptoms. She also offers hope to struggling parents that the situation is temporary and you don’t have to be driven by your feelings or fear. Key points from our conversation: ✨ It might feel as though things will never change, but that’s a lie. It requires intentionality, but we can have hope through bad feelings. 💜 Your diagnosis is not your destiny, it’s a snapshot of your life. We’re bigger than our worst moments. The struggle doesn’t change who you are as a person. 💊 It’s difficult to experience God when you’re depressed. Taking medication helped balance Brooke neurochemically so she could fight spiritually. 👎 You may not recognize when you’re stepping into depression. Be on the lookout for feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. 🧠 People want to feel a certain way, but you have to learn how to think a different way and that takes time. Give yourself grace. Just because you don’t feel happy doesn’t mean you’re not doing the work.   🤝Accept feelings and stop judging them. Don’t let them drive. ✝️ Learn to recognize when symptoms are coming and use the tools you have. Remember that the worst-case scenario is getting depressed again, but the Lord brought you out last time and He can bring you out again. Don’t let fear drive you.   Resources mentioned: Make Up Your Mind: Unlock Your Thoughts, Transform Your Life Connect with Brooke: Instagram | Facebook

In the second half of my conversation with the authors of Every Little Win: How Celebrating Small Victories Can Lead to Big Joy Brooke and Todd Tilghman, they’re sharing their journey of supporting their oldest son Eagan through difficulty in school and mental health issues that arose as a result. In this episode, they explain why and when they chose to seek professional help for their son, what the process looked like for them as parents, the changes they made to promote Eagan’s mental health, and different ways we can “win” when our children struggle with mental health complications. Key points from our conversation: 🗣️ If your child tells you they’re struggling or self-harming, believe them and ask how you can support them well. 👂 School counselors may not be able to offer one-on-one counseling, but they are equipped to listen and connect parents with resources. ❓ A therapist can help by giving you knowledge so that you can ask your child better questions without violating their confidence. 🧠 If the mental health issue is severe, a counselor can send the child for an in-patient evaluation. If hospitalized, the child should be put on a treatment plan that helps them learn skills for healthy emotional processing. 🏥 Parents are often separated from the child for a short period after they’re admitted for in-patient treatment to give the child an opportunity to stabilize and focus on getting themselves well. Stays typically only last a few days before the child is sent home for a partial hospitalization program or intensive outpatient program. 🎒 You are your child’s biggest advocate. If their school environment is toxic and the administration is unable or unwilling to help, remove your child. There are multiple education options available. 🏆 We win when we confess our mistakes as parents. We win when we fight for our kids when things get hard. We win when we find others who can help in ways we can’t. We win when we ask our kids how can we help them. Connect with Todd: website | Instagram | Facebook Connect with Brooke: Instagram | Facebook