43 - Can't Touch This Dimitrius

You're a preternaturally speedy blue animal that talks, A.K.A a hedgehog. Dr. Robotnik has launched a plan to brainwash the world through his media monopoly, and it's up to you to stop him! Unfortunately, "go fast" is really the only tool in your toolbox, so good look figuring out how to leverage that in the increasingly global corporate marketplace. Will you have all your clothes stolen to no obvious end or effect? Will you experience carnal stirrings for any bats or squirrels? And will you, at any point, actually "go fast"? Hold on to your chaos emeralds, 'cause you're about to find out. Contact us by email at [email protected]

A billionaire who definitely isn't John Hammond has a private island that's definitely not called Jurassic Park where he has developed a method of resurrecting dinosaurs that definitely isn't by extracting their blood from mosquitoes trapped in amber (except that it is exactly that). Anyway, your plane crashed on this island and everyone died except you and your bestest buds. Sounds like an adventure waiting to happen. If only you could find those damn dinosaurs. Contact us by email at [email protected]

The gamebook is afoot! You're not Sherlock Holmes, in fact your very existence is a mockery of everything he represents. But when Doctor Watson is accused of murder, somebody has to crack the case, and inexplicably neither the police nor Sherlock's own brother really feel like it's worth the hassle. Will you gather the clues needed to solve the mystery? Or will you just stand there drooling on yourself as witness after witness is fruitlessly paraded by? Contact us by email at [email protected]

Morrrrphhhhh! When Xavier is off vacationing in space and Cyclops is off crying in bed or something, there's no one left to command the X-Men but... well, us. We'll take on classic X-Men enemies like rec league baseball, customer service numbers, and the Roomba. Danger Roomba? Nope just a Roomba. Contact us by email at [email protected]

Your search for justice has brought you to the stinkiest town on the continent. Your mission? To wander the streets having random encounters until someone tells you what your mission is. Will winning a ball tossing contest reveal your true goal? Will soaking a flower in dog blood somehow give you a sense of direction? Can you trade bodily structure for narrative structure by surrendering your bones to a night club? Probably you should have just read the preface. Contact us by email at [email protected]

Imagine a dimension you cannot imagine. It's like the three dimensions you're used to, except that it is distinct in every way. A dimension not only of sight and sound, but of choice. And hate. But mostly choice. Infinite choice. Uncountably infinite choice, and also hate. Contact us by email at [email protected]

Galaxy-burning wars betwixt spacefaring races. Majestic dragons with crystalline doppelgangers. Priceless glass bottles that can save the planet with a single tone.    Also gross malnourished horses, an army of Laura Derns, excessive sexual innuendos, and an ill-fated QVC bit. You get what you pay for.   Contact us by email at [email protected]

You're a spy kid! Again! This time your mission is to track down a time traveling invisible vampire who can explode like an atomic bomb. No really. But it's totally fine, because you've got a spiffy attaché case. Check and mate.   Contact us by email at [email protected]

You're Spider-Man. Or possibly the restless ghost of Spider-Man, but you don't know that yet. Probably you should be saving New York from supervillains, but wouldn't it be more fun to spend basically the entire book just pontificating about how muscles work and harassing the citizenry? We think so. Contact us by email at [email protected]

Books about paranormal detective children will never get old. Period. Will your discerning but cruel powers of deduction alienate you from everyone you meet? Will you immediately give up on solving crimes in favor of committing them? Will you actually see a ghost and, if so, will it be the first creature you meet that wears pants? Grab a juice box, it's time to hunt ghosts. Contact us by email at [email protected]