Episode 26 The High-Functioning Griever: Why "Being Strong" Is Exhausting

What happens when survival begins long before your child dies?In this episode of Beyond the Loss, I sit down with Luciane Horton, whose 27-year-old son John passed away in January 2026 after a six-year battle with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF) and two lung transplants.Luciane opens up about the reality of caregiving through chronic illness, the agonizing seven-year wait on the organ transplant list, and what she calls the "long goodbye." Together, we reflect on the emotional complexities of early grief, finding relief when a child's pain ends, and learning to live one minute at a time.In this episode, we discuss:Understanding IPF: Diagnosis at age 21, oxygen dependency, and the long wait for donor lungs.The Long Goodbye: Caregiving through years of medical uncertainty, hospital stays, and organ rejection.Honest Conversations & Relief: Releasing idealized futures, accepting reality, and finding peace when a child is no longer in pain.Therapeutic Support: How John's therapist provided comfort to our family after his death.Nature as a Healer: Using the ocean, water, and outdoor spaces to process grief and find peace.Redefining Purpose: Transitioning from full-time caregiver to discovering a new identity after loss.Connect with me:Website: https://sharonspano.comPodcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-HostSubstack: https://substack.com/@drsharonInterested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:  https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/ Support the show

There is strength in being the person other people can rely on - but after losing a child, a different kind of strength is required.In this solo cast, I reflect on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and explore why it is often so much easier for grieving parents to give support than to receive it. Drawing from my personal journey after the loss of my son Michael and my work as a systems thinker, I unpack the emotional toll of carrying everyone else when our own bandwidth is completely exhausted.In this episode, I discuss:• Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month: Bringing visibility to losses that are often minimized, misunderstood, or grieved in private.• The Overwhelm of "I'm Fine": Why ordinary decisions—like shopping for clothes - can feel impossible in early grief due to severe bandwidth exhaustion.• Shift in Needs Over Time: How support needs evolve in the "long after," from practical assistance to needing space, quiet rituals, or permission to talk about your child.• The Systems Concept of "Balance of Exchange": How refusing help creates tension in relationships, while allowing others to give strengthens family systems.• A Practical Practice for the Week: How to pay attention to your knee-jerk responses when help is offered and practice letting trusted people in.        Connect with me:• Website: https://sharonspano.com• Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host• Substack: https://substack.com/@drsharon        Interested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss? Apply here to share your story: https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

What happens when the beliefs that have grounded your life are suddenly challenged by the death of your child?In this episode of Beyond the Loss, Dr. Sharon Spano sits down with Teresa Davis - a grief mentor, registered nurse of over 43 years, author, and host of The Grief Mentor podcast. On November 30, 2018, Teresa’s 32-year-old son Andrew, a corporate pilot, was killed in a fatal plane crash caused by mechanical failure shortly after takeoff.In this compassionate conversation, Dr. Sharon and Teresa explore:The Pilot’s Heart & Legacy: Remembering Andrew’s life, his love for the outdoors, and his passion for aviation.Grandparent Grief & Family Dynamics: Navigating the double weight of grieving a child while supporting a young widowed daughter-in-law and young children. "Puddle Jumping" in Child Grief: How children under five process loss in short bursts and why adults must meet them where they are without over-explaining.Wrestling with Faith & Honest Lament: Moving past platitudes, taking raw anger and questions to God, and finding peace through Scripture.Setting Boundaries & Protecting Your Space: Managing the expectations of the church community and surrounding yourself with safe people.Integrating Loss into Life: Why honoring your child means bringing them into your present, not leaving them in the past.Connect with Teresa Davis & Access Her Resources:Free Teaching ("Why Am I Still Stuck?"): Watch Here : https://the-grief-mentor-sib5en.subscribepage.io/Self-Paced Course ("Calming the Chaos"): Enroll Here : https://thegriefmentor.com/ctc-vip-acessSignature Mentoring Program ("The Grief Roadmap"): Join Waitlist :https://thegriefmentor.com/courseDevotional: Finding Hope and Healing by Teresa Davis :https://a.co/d/0bTnA3pgWebsite: thegriefmentor.comConnect with me:Website: https://sharonspano.comPodcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-HostSubstack: https://substack.com/@drsharonInterested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

What happens when the ways we learn to survive after the death of a child begin shaping not only how we grieve, but how we live, work, relate, and understand ourselves?In this episode of Beyond the Loss, Dr. Sharon Spano speaks with Sally McQuillen, a licensed clinical social worker, certified alcohol and drug counselor, and author of Reaching for Beautiful. Sally is also the mother of Christopher, who died ten years ago at the age of 21.Sally brings a unique dual perspective to this conversation—understanding grief both as a seasoned clinician and as a mother who has lived through the shattering loss of her son. Together, Sharon and Sally explore:• The Reality of ADHD & Self-Medication: Understanding nervous system dysregulation in young adults and the complexities of raising a challenging, vibrant child.• The Physical Body in Grief: How traumatic loss stores itself somatically, causing cortisol surges, physical exhaustion, and altered stamina.• EMDR & Brain Rewiring: How specialized trauma therapy helps reframe intrusive, terrorizing memories into moments of peace and connection.• Marital Grief Disparities: Recognizing that spouses grieve on different developmental levels and learning to allow distinct rituals without judgment.• "Good Selfishness": Why setting protective social boundaries and prioritizing your safety is essential in long-term grief integration.Guest Resources:• Learn more about Sally McQuillen and her book Reaching for Beautiful: sallymcquillen.comConnect with me:• Website: https://sharonspano.com• Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/• YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host• Substack: substack.com/@drsharonInterested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

What happens when the life you knew is suddenly gone, and the only way forward is to begin discovering who you are right now in this very moment?In Episode 27 of Beyond the Loss, I sit down with Jamie Casley, a high school teacher and literacy specialist from New Zealand. In August of 2023, Jamie's world changed forever when her 18-year-old daughter, Lily, collapsed and died unexpectedly from an undiagnosed electrical heart condition.In our conversation, Jamie describes that tragic night as a complete rupture that split her life into a "before" and an "after." We talk openly about how child loss reorganizes us physically, emotionally, and systemically - from the physical toll on our bodies to the complex dynamics with extended family and in-laws. Jamie also shares what she calls "tiny mercies" - the small, quiet moments of light that help us push up from the bottom of the ocean and keep going.Featured Guest:Jamie Casley: Teacher, literacy specialist, and bereaved mother. You can also listen to Jamie share more about Lily’s life on Marcy Larson’s Always Mom podcast (Episode 360).In this episode, Jamie and I discuss:The Rupture of Sudden Loss: Navigating the shock of losing an 18-year-old athlete to an undiagnosed heart misfire and finding immediate spiritual grounding amidst trauma.Physical & Systemic Reorganization: How acute grief impacts sleep, digestion, family roles, and our sense of identity.Generational & Extended Family Dynamics: Honoring how grandparents grieve differently and managing the natural friction that arises with in-laws during loss.Parenting Living Children: How to protect and support surviving children without passing our own anxieties onto them.Finding "Tiny Mercies": Spotting small moments of beauty and trusting that light will find us even in the darkest seasons.Connect with me:Website: https://sharonspano.comPodcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-HostSubstack: substack.com/@drsharonInterested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

In this Episode of Beyond the Loss, I introduce a new series theme: The Shape of Survival.  After the loss of a child, many parents - especially high achievers - subconsciously organize themselves into high-functioning patterns. We plan, work, organize, exercise, and take care of everyone around us to create structure in an unpredictable world.  In this episode, I explore the nuance between healthy functioning and denial, the invisible burden of being labeled "the strong one," and how survival mechanisms that once saved us in acute grief can be reevaluated in the long after.  In this episode, I discuss:  • Loss in the Public Eye: Acknowledging the tragedy of Presley Gerber and offering condolences to Cindy Crawford and Randy Gerber while calling for an end to addiction stigma.  • The Shape of Survival: Exploring the subconscious structures and patterns we build to survive catastrophic trauma.  • High-Functioning Grief: Why returning to work or remaining highly capable is a natural expression of existing capacity, not denial.  • The Trap of Being "The Strong One": Addressing the emotional isolation that occurs when accolades and expectations prevent us from showing vulnerability.  • Evolving Survival into Choice: How work and high-functioning behaviors shift from coping distractions into meaningful purpose.  Connect with me:  • Website: https://sharonspano.com • Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/ • YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host • Substack: substack.com/@drsharon Interested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss? Apply here to share your story: https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/ Support the show

In Episode 25 of Beyond the Loss, I welcome Gwen Kapcia (LMSW, FT), a licensed social worker, certified thanatologist, and co-author of Not Another Lasagna: How to Truly Help a Grieving Friend. Gwen brings nearly 40 years of experience across hospice care, funeral home aftercare, and grief mentorship, alongside her own personal journey through pregnancy loss.  Together, we discuss the nuances of pregnancy loss, why the word "bereaved" literally means to be cut in two, how faith communities can reclaim biblical lament rather than rushing past pain, and how couples can navigate differing grief styles without friction.   In this episode, I discuss: • Pregnancy & Unborn Loss: Addressing the unique pain of losing an unborn child, handling insensitive remarks, and acknowledging every child in family systems. • What "Bereaved" Truly Means: Why grief feels like a physical tear and requires long-term care rather than a quick fix. • Reclaiming Lament: Moving away from "celestially flying over pain" to allow space for honest questioning, tears, and sorrow. • Spousal Grief Differences: Understanding why one spouse may visit the cemetery while another journals, and respecting individual processing styles. • Practical Care for Friends: Saying the loved one's name, being present in the "house of pain," and using quick tips when visiting a griever. Connect with me: • Website: https://sharonspano.com • Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/ • YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host • Substack: substack.com/@drsharon Interested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss? Apply here to share your story: https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Transcripts hereSupport the show

What happens when a date on the calendar marks the exact place where your life divided into before and after?In this Season Finale of Beyond the Loss, I bring together the core strands of The Hidden Aftermath—examining how grief alters our bodies, our identity, our capacity, and our relationship with time.I share a deeply personal reflection on two dates that intersect every September: the national tragedy of September 11th and the private anniversary of my son Michael’s death on September 17th. I explore how public ruptures can filter into a family system—recalling how 9/11 sparked Michael's internal fear for our safety and his drive for independent care. Referencing an insight from past guest Kelly Edmondson, I address why grief has no fixed timeline, why nothing "justifies" the loss of a child, and how we can learn to hold loss and love without feeling divided inside.In this episode, I discuss:• Public vs. Private Anniversaries: How national events like 9/11 and personal loss dates reside together in our hearts and bodies.• The Impact on Family Systems: How societal tragedy influenced my son Michael’s perception of safety, disability, and independence.• Subconscious Body Memory: Why irritability, exhaustion, or tightness often surface before we consciously realize what date is on the calendar.• Daily Awareness: Reflecting on Kelly Edmondson’s observation that every day carries an awareness of our child's absence.• Reframing Integration: Moving away from the false idea that loss happens to "teach lessons," and focusing on living honestly with both sorrow and joy.Connect with me:• Website: https://sharonspano.com• Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/• YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host• Substack: substack.com/@drsharonInterested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

In this special "Best Of" compilation edition of Beyond the Loss, I bring together key insights from some of our most powerful past conversations. Featuring guest insights from Kelly Edmondson, Dr. Tom Dutta, Mindy Corporon, and Lisa Boehm, this episode explores the shifting reality of personal capacity, the quiet gap that opens after the funeral, dismantling "joy guilt," and learning how to hold grief in one hand and light in the other.Featured Guests in This Episode:Kelly Edmondson: Bereaved Mother, Grief Therapist, and Founder of The Timely Presence.Dr. Tom Dutta: An Executive Leader, Author, and Host of the Quiet Warrior Show.Mindy Corporon: former wealth management CEO, author of Healing a Shattered Soul and Grief Leadership. Lisa Boehm: Author, grief advocate, and bereaved mother exploring dual emotions and life after losing a child.In this episode, I explore: Capacity After Loss: Why a child's death changes what you can physically and emotionally carry, and why honoring your new limits is an act of truth, not weakness. The Reality After the Funeral: Kelly Edmondson on why grief truly begins when the initial noise fades and the world expects you to "go back to normal". Finding Joy Without Guilt: Lisa Boehm and I discuss holding grief in one hand and joy in the other without feeling like happiness is a betrayal to your child. Talking It Out: Dr. Tom Dutta perspective on opening up about grief, remembering bright moments, and realizing that choosing to live again honors your child's legacy. Workplace & Community Presence: Mindy Corporon on how leaders and friends can support grievers by simply showing up and being present without trying to "fix" what cannot be solved. Connect with me: • Website: https://sharonspano.com • Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/ • YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host • Substack: substack.com/@drsharon Interested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss?Apply here to share your story:https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show

In this interview episode of Beyond the Loss, I sit down with Kelly Edmondson—trauma ICU nurse, healthcare executive, board-certified grief counselor, and founder of The Timely Presence. In January 2023, Kelly lost her 28-year-old son, Darius, after he suffered a seizure in his sleep related to late-onset epilepsy. Kelly opens up about her son's vibrant life, his resilience while building a real estate career despite chronic illness, and how her professional background in acute trauma gave her a unique lens on human purpose and meaning-making. We discuss the intricate complexities of parental guilt, the lingering hesitation to experience joy after loss, and why healing doesn't mean moving on, but walking forward. Kelly also shares the heartwarming story behind The Timely Presence, an initiative created to deliver milestone-based support to bereaved families during hard dates like Mother's Day, birthdays, and anniversaries when the rest of the world has returned to normal. In this episode, I discuss: • Darius's Story: Remembering a Christmas Day child who lived life larger than life despite an 18-year-old epilepsy diagnosis. • Meaning-Making in Acute Trauma: Lessons from the ICU on how humans find new purpose after catastrophic life events. • Dismantling Guilt & Control: Navigating uncalled birthday texts, missed signs, and accepting that we were never in total control. • Reclaiming Joy Without Guilt: Recognizing that feeling happiness, peace, or enjoying nature is not a betrayal of your child. • The Timely Presence: How sending anonymous wind chimes and milestone gifts transformed into a nationwide movement supporting grievers beyond the funeral. Connect with me: • Website: https://sharonspano.com • Podcast Page: https://sharonspano.com/podcast/podcast-beyond-the-loss/ • YouTube: youtube.com/@SharonSpano-BeyondtheLoss-Host • Substack: substack.com/@drsharon Connect with Kelly Edmondson: • Website: https://thetimelypresence.com • LinkedIn: Kelly Edmondson Interested in Being a Guest on Beyond the Loss? Apply here to share your story: https://sharonspano.com/podcast-guest-beyond-the-loss/Support the show