The Haunting of Deck Twelve (VOY)

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 3, Episode 23. First broadcast on Wednesday 19 May 2004. Stardate: Unknown (2154). It’s the second last episode of the Xindi arc, which can only mean one thing: a big, dumb spectacle in which we’re all trying to prevent a bunch of lizards wearing slinkies from hurling a massive lethal wiffle ball into planet Earth. Fortunately, Connor, Jolene and Billingsley are here with some acting for us to enjoy as well.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 7. First broadcast on Friday 10 October 1997. Stardate: 51247.5. This week, Worf and Jadzia celebrate the triumphant 150th episode of Untitled Star Trek Project by setting a date for their wedding, holding one fun party and one excruciating one, punching a future mother-in-law in the face, calling off the wedding, calling it back on again, and having sex with that handsome young lieutenant from the USS Sutherland. Or was that last one just us?

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 1, Episode 26. First broadcast on Monday 16 May 1988. Stardate: 41986.0. This week, Joe and Nathan are woken from 380 years of cryosleep to discover that the world has changed forever: the ship’s captain isn’t friendly and welcoming like Captain Stubing, some of their ports of call have been scooped in their entirety off the surface of the planet, and those people in that scary green cruise ship over there look very unfriendly indeed.

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 1, Episode 16. First broadcast on Monday 22 May 1995. Stardate: 48846.5. Two B-plots on Star Trek: Voyager this week, each one more forgettable than the other. In the A B-plot, Tuvok is unreasonably mean to four obnoxious misfits, while the B B-plot is somehow about cheese.

Star Trek: Discovery, Series 2, Episodes 13–14. First broadcast on Thursday 11 April 2019 and Thursday 18 April 2019. Stardate: 1050.8. The whole of Discovery Series 2 has been leading to this: a baffling and possibly ill-advised decision to catapult the show 930 years into the future. (Spoiler: it turns out better than we could have dared to imagine.) On the way though, we get to experience breathtaking CGI, some vertiginous camerawork, and more heartfelt and prolonged emotion than the entire history of the franchise to date.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 5, Episode 6. First broadcast on Monday 28 October 1991. Stardate: 45208.2. This week, it’s The One Where the Entire Crew is Taken over by an Orgasmatronic Video Game. Oh, and Wesley’s back as well. It’s Star Trek, at the very top of its (don’t say it) Game.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 5, Episode 2. First broadcast on Thursday 24 October 2024. Stardate: 59376.9. Everyone learns a valuable lesson this week: Boimler learns about the perks and perils of being the fun boss, Tendi learns what it takes to be a kick-ass swashbuckling aunt, and T’Lyn learns why, how and how much Rutherford and Tendi love each other. Even the gardener bot gets a little arc. (Good for him.)

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 6, Episode 25. First broadcast on Wednesday 17 May 2000. Stardate: Unknown (2376). This week, Star Trek remembers that its two most important jobs are scaring children and giving us hope for the future. It doesn’t do either of these particularly well in The Haunting of Deck Twelve, but the whole thing is fun and confident enough to entertain us for forty-five minutes. And sometimes that’s enough.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 2, Episode 3. First broadcast on Wednesday 2 October 2002. Stardate: Unknown (2152). A change of pace for Star Trek this week, as the writers of Enterprise decide to explore the rightly-neglected relationship between Captain Archer and his completely featureless Armory Officer, Malcolm Reed. As so often happens, people get strapped to a bomb, Romulans utter muscular threats, and the most interesting members of the crew are completely sidelined.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 24. First broadcast on Wednesday 20 May 1998. Stardate: Unknown (2374). This week, Miles and Keiko struggle to work out how to react when their daughter ruins a perfectly pleasant family picnic by plummeting accidentally into an high-concept science fiction premise. Meanwhile, back on the station, their son falls foul of a sudden sitcom outbreak, banging his head on a table in what seems, in context, to be a comparatively sensible and comprehensible accident. It’s all a lot of nonsense, of course, but the people are nice, and everything turns out for the best.