Fully Dilated (LD)

Star Trek: Picard, Series 2, Episode 6. First broadcast on Thursday 7 April 2022. Stardate: Unknown (12–13 April 2024). This week: a party. The crew of La Sirena turn up at a lavish black-tie gala for some top-quality character work, only to be overshadowed by an incredible musical number by Alison Pill and a lovely scene of kindly encouragement from Patrick Stewart. But then they find themselves overshadowed, in turn, by the ineffable hotness of Santiago Cabrera.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 1, Episode 17. First broadcast on Sunday 23 May 1993. Stardate: 46925.1. Three plots for the price of one this week on Deep Space Nine. In reverse order of importance: (C) we all stand around in Ops talking about the computer; (B) Julian gets some funny lines and a pleasantly unsurprising character arc; and (A) Odo and Lwaxana are trapped in a lift together with nothing to do but some amazing and even quite moving acting. Underrated, but mostly by people who don’t enjoy things that are good.

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 6, Episode 15. First broadcast on Monday 15 February 1993. Stardate: Unknown (2369). When Q first turned up on the Enterprise bridge in 1987, he came to teach all of humanity a lesson about its terrible past. But this week his mission is more personal: to teach Picard how much he owes his young, undisciplined self, and to remind us that youth is silly and difficult, and that the people living through it deserve our respect. (On that topic, if you wish to see the inspiration for Joe’s preferred 1990s hairstyle, you should check out the cover of Star Trek: The Next Generation — Boogeymen (1991) by Mel Gilden.)

Star Trek: Voyager, Series 6, Episode 5. First broadcast on Wednesday 20 October 1999. Stardate: Unknown (2376). Sometimes everything just comes together — a dull script, routine design, a generic score, perfunctory direction, an uncharismatic leading man and a guest star’s strange and flaccid performance. Meanwhile, on Star Trek: Voyager, Tom screams at his long-suffering girlfriend after falling in love with a car or something.

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 5, Episode 10. First broadcast on Thursday 19 December 2024. Stardate: Unknown. This week, we witness the ascension of Star Trek: Lower Decks, as it finishes its run on television and becomes a show fuelled by interdimensionality itself — decoupling its superpositions and spriralling off into an infinite number of unseen quantum possibilities. It’s funny and heartwarming and visually arresting, of course, and we can’t imagine what life would be like without it. Engage the core!

Star Trek: Lower Decks, Series 5, Episode 7. First broadcast on Thursday 28 November 2024. Stardate: 59499.6. This week, Tendi and T’Lyn learn the usual Star Trek lesson about co-operation and competition, Boimler and Rutherford learn that Starfleet uniforms are less absorbent than is sometimes necessary, and Mariner learns that the real Inner Light experience comes from the friends (and murderers) we meet along the way. And Data shows up too, is just as delightful and wise as we always expect him to be.

Star Trek: The Original Series, Series 3, Episode 12. First broadcast on Friday 6 December 1968. Stardate: 5121.5. A series of urgent production catastrophes this week, as we arrive at Paramount Studios with no set, no lines for our female guest star, and a script with no story and no plot. Can these omnipotent bum-headed aliens help us out?

Star Trek: The Next Generation, Series 3, Episode 21. First broadcast on Monday 29 April 1991. Stardate: 44769.2. This week, Jean Simmons strides imperiously onto the Enterprise bridge, accompanied by her executive assistant, her scary stenographer, her daddy issues, and a terrifying sense of self-righteous rage. Unmissable.

Star Trek: Enterprise, Series 3, Episode 23. First broadcast on Wednesday 19 May 2004. Stardate: Unknown (2154). It’s the second last episode of the Xindi arc, which can only mean one thing: a big, dumb spectacle in which we’re all trying to prevent a bunch of lizards wearing slinkies from hurling a massive lethal wiffle ball into planet Earth. Fortunately, Connor, Jolene and Billingsley are here with some acting for us to enjoy as well.

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Series 6, Episode 7. First broadcast on Friday 10 October 1997. Stardate: 51247.5. This week, Worf and Jadzia celebrate the triumphant 150th episode of Untitled Star Trek Project by setting a date for their wedding, holding one fun party and one excruciating one, punching a future mother-in-law in the face, calling off the wedding, calling it back on again, and having sex with that handsome young lieutenant from the USS Sutherland. Or was that last one just us?