Episode 318: You're Allowed to Want Stuff! Talking Desire with Jay Stringer

Send us Fan MailKeith and Rebecca are taking over the podcast this week and are answering your questions — from how to find a healthy church community to whether complementarianism is a dealbreaker. They're refreshingly honest and a little funny about it. Then Joanna joins to dig into a brand-new peer-reviewed paper on how internalized modesty messaging affects girls' self-esteem and their risk of being sexually harassed in church as minors. What they found is both unsurprising and deeply sobering: environments that emphasize modesty messaging don't just harm girls, they actually groom boys into predatory behavior. It's research that needs to get out of their little corner of the internet and into the broader conversation, and your support made it possible.TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our work (and get access to the book club!)And check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Love & Respect DocuseriesBook suggestions from Rebecca: Mistborn Series by Brandon SandersonProject Hail Mary - Andy WeirShattered Sea Trilogy - Joe AbercrombieFarseer Trilogy - Robin Hobb(Join The Patreon for our great book club for more!)Support the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send us Fan MailWhat does it mean to have realistic expectations of a spouse with ADHD? How does gender play into how ADHD impacts a relationship? And what do accommodations actually look like—versus what do they not look like in a healthy marriage?This week Rebecca talks about her own diagnosis of ADHD with her father Keith (a pediatrician) and good friend Daniel Forsythe (a licensed psychotherapist who works with neurodiverse marriages frequently) to dig down to discuss what the evidence actually says is possible, the risk of “caregiver burnout”, and more as Rebecca picks the brains of the actual professionals so we can all land in an evidence-based place!THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR:To Heal or Harm: Scripture's Use as Poison or Medicine for Abuse Survivors by Dr. Steven Tracy. How to refute it when Bible verses are weaponized!TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our work (and get access to the book club!)And check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Study regarding impact of ADHD on women versus men in adulthoodWrite-up on how we falsely believe that ADHD is easier on womenStudy on how a messy home impacts women versus men’s social standing and who we intrinsically believe is “responsible” for cleaningThe Marriage You Want bookIs It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? A more therapeutic book about counselling practices for marriages working with ADHD: Support the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send us Fan MailWhat if the reason so many women struggle with desire, arousal, and orgasm has nothing to do with their bodies—and everything to do with what they were taught before they even wanted to be sexual? In this episode, Rebecca and I pull together research and real-life stories to trace a thread that runs from how we raise our daughters, to what happens on the wedding night, to why so many women are secretly faking it.THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR:To Heal or Harm: Scripture's Use as Poison or Medicine for Abuse Survivors by Dr. Steven Tracy. How to refute it when Bible verses are weaponized!TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our work (and get access to the book club!)And check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Our Orgasm Course and Boost Your Libido CourseLove and Respect Docu-SeriesResearch Paper: "Sexual Passion in Adolescence: Examining Its Transmission Through Mothers"Research Paper: "Do Women Withhold Honest Sexual Communication When They Believe Their Partner's Manhood Is Threatened?"Instagram Thread by Ally Jolie (somatic psychologist, UK)Podcast episode on men projecting sexual attention-seeking onto girlsSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textJay Stringer, licensed therapist and author of Unwanted, is back to talk about his brand new book Desire: The Longings Inside Us and the New Science of How We Love, Heal, and Grow. Together, we unpack why so many of us — especially those from church backgrounds — were taught to fear and suppress our desires rather than develop them. We dig into enmeshment, the "provisional self," why differentiation is actually the secret to intimacy and a healthy sex life, and why low libido is never just a libido problem. If you've ever felt broken, empty, or like you don't even know what you want anymore, this conversation is for you.TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Get Jay Stringer's book DesireGet Jay's book UnwantedFollow Jay on InstagramSheila's book The Marriage You Want, and the video curriculum that goes with itSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textAnna Rollins grew up as the kind of girl who took her faith seriously — and that's exactly why it hurt her so much. In this conversation, Anna and I dig into her memoir Famished: On Food, Sex, and Growing Up as a Good Girl, where she traces how purity culture's messages about desire, self-denial, and the body quietly fueled decades of disordered eating, compulsive exercise, and sexual pain. What strikes me most is that Anna's parents were loving, her church wasn't overtly abusive — and yet the cumulative message she absorbed was shrink yourself.  I think this conversation is going to resonate deeply with so many of you.THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR:To Heal or Harm: Scripture's Use as Poison or Medicine for Abuse Survivors by Dr. Steven Tracy. How to refute it when Bible verses are weaponized! https://amzn.to/4rSYkZuTO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Get Anna Rollins' book FamishedFollow Anna on SubstackWatch our Love & Respect Docuseries The Portuguese version of The Great Sex RescueThe Chinese version of The Great Sex RescueThe Spanish version of The Good Girl's Guide to Great SexSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textRebecca, Joanna, and I are pulling back the curtain on what went into making the Love & Respect docuseries — including the things that didn't make the final cut.From the bizarre Nazi torture illustration Emerson used to keep women in bad marriages, to the genuinely heartbreaking story of a little boy watching his father abuse his mother, this episode gets raw and honest about why we've been fighting this battle for seven years. We also share the stunning survey results from a church in Florida that show exactly what happens when love-and-respect-style teaching takes root in a community. And we end with a word of real hope: healthy churches exist, better books are being written, and the tide is turning.THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR:To Heal or Harm: Scripture's Use as Poison or Medicine for Abuse Survivors by Dr. Steven Tracy. How to refute it when Bible verses are weaponized! https://amzn.to/4rSYkZuTO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Watch the Love & Respect Docuseries! Episode 1, Episode 2, and Episode 3Our Love & Respect hub (links to all Love & Respect articles 7 resources at bottom)The Substack from the Florida womanSubscribe to Good Fruit Faith on YouTubeSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textPart two of a three-part docuseries deep dive into the best-selling evangelical marriage book Love & Respect.LOVE & RESPECT DOCUSERIES:Watch the video version of thisHere's episode 1. To see episode 3 next week, subscribe to the Good Fruit Faith ChannelThis podcast delves into what Love & Respect is based on--recycled ideas from a 1970s best-seller; faulty stats; misrepresented research--and editing the Bible.BONUS CONTENTGain bonus content, full videos of the interviews and MORE if you become a patron! https://patreon.com/baremarriageSupport Good Fruit Faith, that paved the way for this projectLINKS: Op-ed on the history of ordination of women and the SBCShaunti Feldhahn's original surveyDouble-barrelled questionsStudy on shoulder-to-shoulder communicationThe Authoritarians book  Breakdown of Eggerichs misunderstanding marital rape and saying you can't tell if a woman is arousedPodcast about the mystery of a woman being "turned on"Dr. Shauna Springer's original PsychologyToday articleEXPERT INTERVIEWEES INFORMATION: Dr. Chuck DeGroat Dr. Shauna Springer Dr. Andrew Bauman Dr. Beth Felkner Jones and her Substack Jay Stringer and his book Desire Support the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textPart one of a three-part docuseries deep dive into the best-selling evangelical marriage book, Love & Respect.THE LOVE & RESPECT DOCUSERIES:This is a video series, so if you want to watch it in all its glory, head over to https://youtu.be/z3EEAkjwcXA!To see episodes 2 & 3 when they launch next week, subscribe to the Good Fruit Faith ChannelThis podcast delves into the broken logic of Love & Respect, why so many people bought into it, and the truly bizarre nature of what passes for evangelical marriage advice.Copyright Disclaimer: - Under section 107 of the copyright Act 1976, allowance is mad for FAIR USE for purpose such a as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship and research. Fair use is a use permitted by copyright statues that might otherwise be infringing. Non- Profit, educational or personal use tips the balance in favor of FAIR USE. All DVD clips and quotes from the book are used for criticism and teaching, and therefore fall under fair use.BONUS CONTENTGain bonus content, full videos of the interviews and MORE if you become a patron! https://patreon.com/baremarriageLINKS:Support Good Fruit FaithOur paper, Sanctified SexismOur one sheet on the problems with Love & RespectEXPERT INTERVIEWEES INFORMATION:Chuck DeGroat: https://www.chuckdegroat.net/Chuck's book, "When Narcissism Comes to Church"Andrew Bauman: https://andrewjbauman.com/Andrew's book, "The Sexually Healthy Man" -----Music Attribution“In the Dark” performed by BlockBeatz/stock.adobe.com“Romantic Smooth Rock (O Mundo Gira)” performed by Yummy Tunes/stock.adobe.com“Gentle Relaxed Smooth Jazz (Soul Power)” performed by Tasty Tunes/stock.adobe.comSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textToday I'm talking with Dr. Steven Tracy, author of "To Heal or Harm," about how scripture has been twisted to keep abuse victims trapped. We're diving into passages that discuss things like, "wives submit," "God hates divorce," and "a gentle answer turns away wrath" to show what they actually mean in context. And spoiler alert: none of them tell victims to stay in abuse. If you've ever felt like the Bible was being used against you, or if you're a pastor who wants to understand how to truly help abuse victims, this conversation is essential.PLUS: A special announcement with Rebecca you won’t want to miss!TO HEAL OR TO HARM: Get the book here!COMING SOON:Subscribe to the Good Fruit Faith channel for our Love & Respect podcast coming soon!TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Mending the Soul websiteReporting on John MacArthur excommunicating Eileen Gray for leaving her abusive husbandSupport the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.

Send a textWe're tackling three really problematic things that have happened recently with evangelical leaders that show just how low the bar has gotten for men. From Jonathan Podluka announcing he wants to sleep with multiple beautiful women, to pastors responding to Philip Yancey's affair by saying "it could be any of us," to Tim Challies telling people in miserable marriages to just stick it out until they die—it's all connected to this theology that refuses to hold men accountable and tells women they just need to accept it. The common thread? A theology of male hierarchy that steals intimacy from marriages, justice from victims, and Jesus from people who are hurting.THE MARRIAGE YOU WANT:Get our book that corrects this horrible teaching! It's got a study guide and video series too!Subscribe to the Good Fruit Faith channel for our Love & Respect podcast coming soon!TO SUPPORT US: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Give to the Good Fruit Faith Initiative of the Bosko FoundationJoin our email list!LINKS MENTIONED: Tim Challies' article on if you chose poorlyMy article about Philip YanceyMy reel with the clips of Jonathan PokludaSheila's article about Jonathan Podluka’s 2023 sermon, and my new op ed Sarah Diefendorf's peer-reviewed articleMy recommended books on pornOur podcast on the Support the showJoin Sheila at Bare Marriage.com!Check out her books:The Great Sex Rescue She Deserves BetterThe Marriage You Want and the Study Guide The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy's Guide to Great SexAnd she has an Orgasm Course and a Libido course too!Check out all her courses, FREE resources, social media, books, and so much more at Sheila's LinkTree.