TSSH 57 - Seeing the light with Gina Defa🕯️

When narcissistic parents starts ageing, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are.  Their behavior tends to get worse with the passage of time.  As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they painfully realize that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll. Narcissistic parents are immature, angry, volatile and controlling. Sadly, their parenting was not nurturing but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control. Eventually, their children get sick and tired of their behavior and reduce or eliminate contact.  Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can’t cope when supplies become scarce and run out. They become chronically depressed and angry and find no pleasure in anything and become more demanding and worse by the day.  Narcissists love the idea of family and take comfort they have a reliable support system...which means knowing that they have people who enable, embrace and justify their selfish behavior.  Narcissists see love as very one-sided and not as a genuine experience of connection, empathy, and warmth.https://youtu.be/UmiPqhDOVrI "The Tide Is High " is a 1967 song written by John Holt. Used for entertainment purposes only.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

All-or-nothing thinking is a a cognitive distortion.  Cognitive meaning the way you understand, think, and perceive. And Distortion meaning misleading or irrational. All-or-nothing thinking and fear of failure paved a perfect path to perfectionism.  I was raised with impossibly high expectations that I could never meet and as miserable as that made me, it was familiar, so I stayed on that poison path for far too long and continuously moved the goalposts for myself.  I still cringe when I recall my flawless execution in my attempts to control everything. I over-planned, freaked out when things don’t go according to my plan, obsessed over small details and catastrophized everything.  I was addicted to friction as if perpetual struggling was my sole purpose here on earth.  Believing that I had power over people and situations was abusive both to myself and the people around me." For What It's Worth (Stop, Hey What's That Sound) " is a song written by Stephen Stills.  USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSEShttps://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Object Constancy is a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 years old and is defined as the ability to maintain an emotional bond with others, even where there is distance and conflict.  In adulthood, Object Constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole even when they are not physically present.  We understand that absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance. Babies that are instilled with object constancy develop secure attachment and cultivate sense of trust from within themselves, rather than relying on constant reassurances from external resources. Children with no object constancy are plagued with an intense fear of abandonment.  If we experienced severe early preverbal attachment trauma, and have extremely distracted, chaotic and emotionally unavailable caregivers, our emotional development is stunted and we never had the opportunity to develop Object Constancy leading to Fear of Abandonment.https://www.thefemininewoman.com/abandonment-issues/https://www.verywellhealth.com/abandonment-trauma-5211575 Right Back Where We Started From " is a song written by Pierre Tubbs and J. Vincent Edwards.  USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.  https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Toxic family rules live at the center of a dysfunctional family system and are designed to keep secrets hidden, enable abuse, keep children in line and avoid responsibility while also preventing safety, growth and connection.  Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching impact on our lives as adults.  Children of toxic parents are emotionally starved. The family dynamic functions around the needs, wants, desires, and chaos of the parent. Children are viewed as objects, things to be controlled, used and manipulated.  There is no amount of storytelling we can do that will be more powerful than the societal standard held to never separate from family.  We live with a grief not accepted or understood by society. https://www.barbara-whitfield.com/healing-the-child-withinhttps://drsherriecampbell.com/ Parody of Our Lips Are Sealed by Jane Wiedlin, and Terry Hall used for entertainment purposes only.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Albert Ellis, who is considered the 2nd most influential psychotherapist in history died in 2007 and believed psychological problems are due to pervasive patterns of irrational thought.  It is not events that create emotional states, but the way we interpret them. Chronic unhappiness is not caused directly by adversity but by us, it is our irrational beliefs and thoughts that cause suffering.  He said “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy”.  These 3 musts are illogical, they distort reality, prevents us from achieving goals, lead to self-sabotaging behavior and makes us miserable.  Life is not fair, and things don’t go as planned.  We cannot control everything all the time.  Albert Ellis explained the emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in an unpredictable world and there will never be any absolute certainties.  The emotionally intelligent person knows that it is not always horrible when things don’t go as planned.  If we choose to stay addicted to certainty, our perception of and reaction to life experiences will be self-defeating and counterproductive.  http://www.albertellis.info/ https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

“Something happened to us a long time ago. It happened more than once. It hurt us. We protected ourselves the only way we knew how. We are still protecting ourselves. It isn’t working anymore.” ― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families“recovery is a process rather than an event.”― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional FamiliesMillions of people grew up in alcoholic homes. But what about the rest of us? What about families that had no alcoholism, but did have perfectionism, workaholism, compulsive overeating, intimacy problems, depression, problems in expressing feelings, plus all the other personality traits that can produce a toxic family system much like an alcoholic one?  Millions of us struggle with these kinds of dysfunctions every day, and falsely believe we are alone. Self-Love Recovery Institute: (selfloverecovery.com)https://positivepsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/Codependency-Questionnaire.pdfhttps://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Secrets-Dysfunctional-Families/dp/0932194532https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. It means verbalizing what impacts your comfort levels. It means learning how and when to say "no." When we set boundaries, we’re less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met and our space is respected. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated.  Toxic people will do everything they can to ignore and bulldoze through the boundaries we try to set.  They will blame, ignore, manipulate, guilt trip, abuse and criticize until you concede.  Recommended reading The Monster Under the Bed by Kim Fiske https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

The healing journey was and is not easy for me.  It is a continuous and rigorous cycle of aha moments followed by grief followed by acceptance.  If your parents were narcissistic, controlling,  smothering, unavailable, overly critical, manipulative, angry and emotionally immature...you may feel as lonely and disconnected as I have felt and battled the same crippling anxiety and depression that I did.   I fantasized often that my parents would admit their mistakes and makes amends, that I would achieve more success than them and shove it in their face,  and that the outside world would see my parents for who they really are and reject them.  Having these fantasies reinforced and intensified my misery and kept me stuck.  In this podcast I share the knowledge I have acquired during peaks and valleys of my healing journey. I hope it helps.Link to Brene Brown https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

In March of 2021, my youngest daughter and her teammates experienced horrific emotional abuse from the coach of a Division 1 collegiate athletic team.  It was a sickening combination of narcissism, toxic leadership, and verbal abuse and I was crushed by it as there was nothing I could do.  I witnessed my daughter getting the exact same treatment that received during my entire childhood and I worked SO HARD to make sure she never experienced it.  And here we were.  The panic attacks that disappeared 30 years ago came back.  The anxiety and depression that I had diffused a few short years ago returned with vengeance.  I could not think straight or sleep much less do a podcast. I had to disappear.  After a couple of months when this coaching situation resolved itself, I accepted a full-time job and also sold my house in the suburbs and moved to the city in 2021.  But now I am back...and begin with detailing the first visit with my mom in a year.Link to Glennon Doyle's new book - Untamedhttps://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Coming from a home filled with alcoholism and abuse, Gina knows the grit & grace it takes to not just survive, but to move into a life filled with peace. She trusts that her immediate instinct to follow her intuition (which she calls her light) has been the catalyst to every success she has been blessed to experience. Her greatest passion is to help others find, and trust, the light inside of them—no matter their past.With a mom who wasn’t ready to relinquish her party lifestyle, eight-year-old Gina was thrust into a world of alcoholism, drugs, sex, and molestation. Abandoned by daily parental guidance, she was forced to fend for herself and navigate a world that brought more darkness than security. As her childhood was scraped away bit-by-bit, Gina held true to something within that guided her, a light that burned brighter once a brief interaction with a stranger connected her with the truth. Everything will be okay.The Parakeet Drawing is a powerful memoir about the ripple effects of a small act of kindness, and how it helped one little girl find the strength within to save herself.Buy BookWeb Sitehttps://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/