67. How Betrayed Partners and Sex Addicts Can Communicate Effectively

Have some unwanted sexual behaviors stopped, while others keep nagging at you?Is it possible you’re missing the reason why you act out? What if you’re using the wrong sex addiction treatment strategies?What if each acting-out behavior has a different cause? In this episode, I explore how pornography, affairs, and paid sex can have different causes. And, if so, you’ll need different treatment strategies to remove them from your life. Because each acting-out behavior is formed at different ages and different times of life, each one likely has a different driver. If you want to be in good recovery, it's your job to discover the why behind EACH of the behaviors… not just one. For many high-achieving men, their acting out comes from a wide variety of reasons… not just dopamine for emotional regulation. Some are seeking attention, validation, novelty, control, and superiority. Whatever the cause, your recovery depends on your figuring it out and developing an efficient plan that is psychologically proven to work. If your recovery is lacking and you want more structure and accountability, check out my recovery groups here: successfuladdict.com

Sex and Porn Addiction recovery is complex and multifaceted. Add the betrayed partner's experience, and you have an even more challenging situation. Jeanne Vattuone and Tim Stein wrote a book called Finding the Way Through. This workbook is designed to integrate sobriety, recovery, and betrayed partner sensitivity. In this interview, we discuss the nuances of personal and relational recovery. You can find their new book here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/hE1SoEC If you are a high-acheiver, business professional, or entrepreneur looking for a recovery group full of like-minded men, visit my website at successfuladdict.com. Our groups provide men with a deeply connected tribe that they can lean on in recovery. We use weekly Zoom meetings, daily accountability, and biannual 4-day intensives. Visit my website for more information about applying for our next group.

While 12-step was never really my thing… One thing I did take from it was the 3-circle sobriety plan. Sex addiction is an interesting addiction because the definition of sobriety changes from person to person. But one thing I really like about the “3-circle” idea was that it focuses more on recovery and prevention rather than just sobriety. In this episode, I share my personal 3-circle sobriety plan as a reference for those looking to implement something similar in their recovery. If you are a high-achiever and you have not yet read or listened to my book, you can find it here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/5CUHoFd

It’s unanimously agreed (and the research supports it) that peer support and connection with other addicts is the best treatment strategy for sex addiction. It's PEER support… Not just going to meetings. You need to be surrounded by men who you believe are your peers. It’s connection… Not just sharing when it's your turn to share. Connection involves relatability, common interests, and feeling like the other person understands what its like to be you. Yes, peer support and connection are vital. But, they are actually difficult to find, establish, and implement. In this episode, Pam Blizzard and I dive into connection and the benefits when treating sex and porn addiction. Pam is a wealth of knowledge and a well-respected member of the sex addiction and betrayal trauma field. You will feel her experience when listening to this episode. If you want to contact Pam, you can find her website here: https://recoveredpeace.com/ If you’re a high-acheiver in recovery and are looking for a group of your peers to recover with, my program may be a perfect fit. After attending one of our 4-day intensives, you will have a tribe of like-minded men you can lean on to achieve long-term recovery. Visit our website for more info: successfuladdict.com

Is your recovery group actually a recovery group?Is the group too big?Are you getting individualized feedback?Do you enjoy your time with your group and look forward to the meeting? Just because you are going to a group or a meeting doesn’t mean it’s working. In this episode, I discuss the point of peer support and what it should be doing for you. You should feel yourself recovering when you leave every meeting. Change is the objective. If you don’t feel like your recovery group is accelerating your recovery… You should probably find another group. If you are a high achiever or entrepreneur and you have not yet bought my book, you can find it here on Amazon: https://a.co/d/1yPIaMN

Even the best communicators will be challenged when recovering from sexual betrayal. Fear, anger, resentment, injustice, a lack of trust… This is not a great container for grounded conversation. But this is reality, and you’re going to need to learn how to navigate it as a couple. Too often, couples recovering from infidelity heal in isolation but fight together. The problem is that healing happens together… not apart. On this episode, I’m joined by Dani Peterson. She works with betrayed partners and couples in recovery. She and I discuss the difficulties that couples face when communicating post-betrayal. For those of you interested in working with Dani, she has offered our listeners a FREE 30 minute consultation. Use the link here to schedule: https://calendly.com/danimpeterson/consultation You can learn more about Dani at her website: https://www.danimpeterson.com/ Have you read my recovery book? If not, I want to give you access to the first chapter for free. Use this link here: https://successfuladdict.com/firstchapter

Are you monitoring the wrong things? Often, I find men are too focused on the behaviors rather than the cause of their sex addiction. Recovery is about change… Not just avoiding unwanted behavior. In this episode, I talk about how you can check in with your recovery group and help them keep you accountable. Finding a tribe of like-minded men to do recovery with is the most important thing you can do for your recovery. This podcast episode will explain why. If you’re a high-acheiver, executive, business professional, or entrepreneur looking for a group of other high-achieving men to recover with, visit my website: successfuladdict.com Connection is everything when it comes to sex addiction recovery. Having a deeply connected support group is the best way to maintain long-term recovery.

Is it defensiveness? Or, is it a deficit? Understanding this could make a huge difference in improving your communication as a couple when recovering from betrayal trauma and infidelity. We all know that being defensive destroys connection and increases conflict. But first, we need to be sure that the person really is being defensive. Not every reaction comes from a defensive place. Often, people act the way they do because they lack maturity in that area. Empathy, conflict resolution, communication, compassion. All of these skills must be developed as a child. If not, you may struggle using these skills as an adult. What may look like defensiveness may actually stem from a deficit in his/her ability to interact in this high-stress and deeply emotional environment. The truth is, many sex addicts in recovery did not learn how to practice empathy, healthy conflict resolution, and compassion. Their parents and mentors did not help them develop these skills. Many aspects of masculine culture label these skills as weak or feminine. It's never too late to learn healthy relationship skills. And, we need to make sure that we're not shaming someone who is trying their best. It's hard enough to do something that is foreign to you. It's even harder when you feel like you need to be ashamed of your inability to do so. Being supportive is always the best route you can take. In this podcast episode, Dr. Jake Porter and I discuss how to determine if your partner is being defensive or if they have a deficit in this area. And, what can be done to address this issue so that it does not continue to harm the relationship. If you would like a free copy of Jake's book, you can download it here: https://drjakeporter.com/breakingbarriers/ If you're a high-achiever looking for a group of like-minded men to recover with, visit my website: successfuladdict.com My book is now on Audible for those of you who have been waiting for the audiobook. You can listen to it here: https://www.audible.com/pd/The-High-Achievers-Guide-to-Sex-Addiction-Recovery-Audiobook/B0F5XZ85XV

Financial success and recovery are two different things. Often, the things that made you money may be some of the same things that caused your sex addiction. This doesn’t mean that you need to stop being successful in your career. It means you need to become aware of when to use each skill set. Many of the skills needed to recover from sex and porn addiction are different from the skills you’ve used to make money. In this episode, I’m joined by MaryAnn Michaelis, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. We discuss the difference between success in business and success in recovery. You can do both! If you want to contact MaryAnn, you can reach her here on her website: https://maryannmichaelis.com/ If you’re interested in checking out the courses she referenced during the episode, head to https://www.humanintimacy.com/courses If you are a high-achiever in recovery and you are looking for a group of like-minded men to recover with, visit my website and fill out an application: successfuladdict.com Each group of 10 men uses a daily accountability system, weekly Zoom meetings, and in-person 4-day intensives. Visit my website to apply and book your interview on my calendar.

Coping mechanisms have the potential to ruin your life. But changing them can be difficult if you don’t know WHY you’re doing it. In the addiction space, you will hear professionals talk about the power of discovering your “why.” But, it's a bit more complicated than that. In this podcast episode, I help men understand what coping mechanisms are, how to recognize when they’re being used, and how to change the harmful patterns. If you’re a betrayed partner, I would recommend listening to this episode as well. It may help you understand what your husband is doing and what will be required to change. If you’re a successful guy in recovery and need help discovering your WHY, my recovery groups can guide you. Visit my website to learn more: successfuladdict.com